This is the 5th episode of the series Communicating Like a Pro in Your Marriage. 

I hope you've been able to listen to the previous episodes, but if not, I encourage you to do so. 

There is no more excellent gift a couple can give each other than the joy that results from feeling known and understood. I'm willing to bet that you felt this fully and completely at the beginning of your relationship and marriage. 

But marriages can change and evolve just like we do, and if we don't continue to know and understand each other through those changes, we may think we no longer know our spouses at all. 

When we stop being interested in knowing and understanding our spouse as they change, mature and grow, intimacy will wane. Assuming you know your husband and,  he you, is something only you can decide, but I see couples married for many, many years that hasn't increased their knowledge over the years even though they have evolved.

I don't mean the kind of knowledge like what your husband likes to eat, what time he will sit down to watch TV, or how he does chores around the house. Those are great and fine, but not what I mean. I'm talking about knowing and understanding the inner world of your spouse. 

The more you know about each other's inner world, the more profound and rewarding your relationship will be. 

To know and understand your spouse thoroughly, you must do three things:

·       Be vulnerable

·       Be Curious

·       Look for the little opportunities

Be vulnerable enough to share the deepest parts of yourself. 

If you are like me, being vulnerable is a tough thing to do. Not everyone has a great deal of self-confidence even in middle age. I've struggled with my confidence my entire life, and I meet middle-aged women all the time that suffer from self-esteem issues. Keeping the inner workings of our being can be a way to protect ourselves, and it is based on the fear of rejection. - especially if sharing yourself has been a painful experience.  The thought behind hiding our true selves is that if we keep ourselves safe, we won't be hurt. Being vulnerable has its risks, no doubt, but not being vulnerable leaves you with a surface relationship. 

Let me give you an example: I am not an affectionate person—no touchy-feely for me. I was sexually abused as a child, so I was very uncomfortable with anyone touching me without my permission. It just didn't feel safe, which is not uncommon in cases of sexual abuse or assault. 

Unfortunately, my family was overly affectionate, and it violated my personal space. But, I didn't have the courage, growing up, to place those boundaries up-heck, I had no idea what boundaries were back then. So, for my entire childhood, I suffered from unsolicited affection. So, anyone that gave me any unsolicited affection caused me to recoil. 

This wouldn't have been a problem in my marriage if my husband wasn't affectionate. So, when he would be affectionate, I would bristle. He didn't like it but accepted it, albeit reluctantly. In fact, I think he took it personally. If you want affection and you're husband doesn't give it, it can feel like you can feel undesirable and vice versa. However, someone’s lack of affection can be deep-seated, so it is important to understand what is behind it. 

When my husband and I began our journey of rediscovering each other, we had to start talking about what was behind our feelings to understand one another better. 

For complete show notes you can go to http://reviveyourmidlifemarriage.com/8