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Interview with Kevin O'Connor-Understanding Men in Relationships Part 1
Gems from Kevin’s Interview
“Men don’t have a clue about who they are. They don’t often have the insight into their own lives-what’s working, what’s not, or how to solve it. Men compartmentalize so much of their lives-work life, homelife and they often live in denial about what is going on. They often don’t even know what is going on with them.”
“Couples control a relationship’s expiration date by how they interact in the relationship.”
“Men naturally work very hard to level up-to perform at the top level in many areas of their lives, but not always in their marriages. The “masculine” is very action-oriented, goal-focused.
“Marriage for women is the beginning of something beautiful. Men on the other hand think marriage itself is the accomplishment and they go on to pursue other goals in their lives.”
“The idea of working on the relationship-the idea of investing time and energy to move the relationship forward-the thoughts that they could get more out of the relationship-isn’t part of their thinking. Women are more tuned in. They know there is something missing. Women are relationship engineers.”
80% of marital problems are acknowledged and brought up by women.
“Women have the diagnostic ability to identify what isn’t working, but they aren’t the treatment planners. They don’t know what needs to be done about it.”
“Men don’t look into the relationship. They don’t dig in. Men are pretty comfortable cruising along-house, family. Men don’t really think about the maintenance.
“Men will notice the lack of sexual intimacy. Men tend to put the effort in when there’s a specific outcome or reward. But, when it comes to sex, they don’t put that connection together. They don’t grow their understanding of their wives changing sexual needs.” This causes resentment. Women will end up having “duty sex” out of obligation and feel resentment that their husband isn’t even aware she isn’t enjoying it.
Men can get stuck approaching sex the same way every single time. They don’t see the connection between the relationship and the sexual connection. But they need to, especially if they can see the reward in it.
“There is a responsibility to have meaningful conversations about every aspect of the relationship.”
How to Approach These Conversations:
“Men are not usually comfortable having conversations about intimacy. They often feel blamed or attacked like someone is criticizing them.”
Key: Accept Responsibility
E + R = Outcome
E-the event
R-response or reaction
“If the outcome needs to change, you have to change the R-the response or reaction. If you respond or react with defensiveness, criticism, or attack, you will get one outcome. If you respond in a thoughtful manner, you’ll get another outcome.”
For complete show notes to this episode go to http://reviveyourmidlifemarriage/21
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By Deanna BryantGems from Kevin’s Interview
“Men don’t have a clue about who they are. They don’t often have the insight into their own lives-what’s working, what’s not, or how to solve it. Men compartmentalize so much of their lives-work life, homelife and they often live in denial about what is going on. They often don’t even know what is going on with them.”
“Couples control a relationship’s expiration date by how they interact in the relationship.”
“Men naturally work very hard to level up-to perform at the top level in many areas of their lives, but not always in their marriages. The “masculine” is very action-oriented, goal-focused.
“Marriage for women is the beginning of something beautiful. Men on the other hand think marriage itself is the accomplishment and they go on to pursue other goals in their lives.”
“The idea of working on the relationship-the idea of investing time and energy to move the relationship forward-the thoughts that they could get more out of the relationship-isn’t part of their thinking. Women are more tuned in. They know there is something missing. Women are relationship engineers.”
80% of marital problems are acknowledged and brought up by women.
“Women have the diagnostic ability to identify what isn’t working, but they aren’t the treatment planners. They don’t know what needs to be done about it.”
“Men don’t look into the relationship. They don’t dig in. Men are pretty comfortable cruising along-house, family. Men don’t really think about the maintenance.
“Men will notice the lack of sexual intimacy. Men tend to put the effort in when there’s a specific outcome or reward. But, when it comes to sex, they don’t put that connection together. They don’t grow their understanding of their wives changing sexual needs.” This causes resentment. Women will end up having “duty sex” out of obligation and feel resentment that their husband isn’t even aware she isn’t enjoying it.
Men can get stuck approaching sex the same way every single time. They don’t see the connection between the relationship and the sexual connection. But they need to, especially if they can see the reward in it.
“There is a responsibility to have meaningful conversations about every aspect of the relationship.”
How to Approach These Conversations:
“Men are not usually comfortable having conversations about intimacy. They often feel blamed or attacked like someone is criticizing them.”
Key: Accept Responsibility
E + R = Outcome
E-the event
R-response or reaction
“If the outcome needs to change, you have to change the R-the response or reaction. If you respond or react with defensiveness, criticism, or attack, you will get one outcome. If you respond in a thoughtful manner, you’ll get another outcome.”
For complete show notes to this episode go to http://reviveyourmidlifemarriage/21