#46 Sam Ardery -- Become positively conflicted

Why is the next thing you’re going to say probably a mistake?

Why is conflict a mixed blessing?

Why do you double-down when you know you’re wrong?

These and other critical challenges to conflict resolution will be elucidated when mediation guru Sam Ardery joins The Rabbi and the Shrink.

https://www.linkedin.com/in/sam-ardery-b78a8022/

https://www.samardery.com/

1:30 Using personal experience to teach without coming off as a martyr or a saint

We trust our own common sense when we need objective perspective

4:30 Conflict is a mixed blessing

Problems are mostly fear-based

Balancing passion against professionalism

9:30 We turn to anger because it’s easier than self-reflection

“Why don’t you change so I’ll feel better?”

We fade in and out of self-awareness

Well-given rebuke can reach us and make us recalibrate

13:00 “Would you rather be right or would you rather be married?”

What are the secrets of successful negotiation?  

Ask yourself these questions:

1.  What do you want?
2. What are my biggest fears and concerns?
3. What tradeoffs are you willing to make?

Radical listening is key

Ethics is all about relationships:  empathy, trust, respect

18:00 Why do we double down when we know we’re wrong?

How do we get past our egos?

Apologies with excuses don’t work

“If you love me, you’ll understand” -- NOT

20:30 Obstacles to resolution and compromise

People who know they have G-d on their side

The longer the problem has gone on

The deeper the emotional investment

Politics today is the new religion

The benefit of constructive disagreement

28:00 Impossible alliances and friendships are actually possible

The value of trusted advisors

Entering conflict ask:

Is it worth it?

Is it safe?

The danger of disproportionate response

34:00 The person who saved Sam’s life

We’re not binary -- we’re complicated

“I may not be much, but I’m all I think about”

We’re all special, and we all suffer

Don’t tell people what they need to understand, what they have to understand, or what they should understand

Understanding is a gift, acceptance is a choice

40:00 We have tremendous influence when we can take our own experience and universalize it to enlighten others

42:00 The word of the day:  malevolent

wishing evil or harm to another or others; showing ill will; ill-disposed; malicious:

His failures made him malevolent toward those who were successful.

evil; harmful; injurious:

Recognizing the difference between intended and unintended pain is the key to gauging an ethical response

45:00 conflict is a full-bodied experience

“If in times of tension, the next thing you say will make you feel better, it’s probably wrong

Beware of Pyrrhic victories