The Rabbi and The Shrink

Are you part of the exhausted majority?
Can showing enthusiasm for one side imply contempt for the other?
Do you recognize the contempt you show others?

These and other deeply relevant questions are addressed when Dignity Index architect Tami Pyfer joins The Rabbi and the Shrink.

https://unite.us/home

https://www.linkedin.com/in/tami-pyfer-54238612b/

Ethics depends on invoking our common humanity.

Conscience testifies to the spark of divinity that defines us.

Mutual dignity is a given; respect is earned.

Being nice and agreeing about everything is not the answer.

What is the Dignity Index?

We don’t always have to show others that we’re right.

There’s no America without democracy, there’s no democracy without healthy debate, there’s no healthy debate without dignity.

We need to hold people we agree with accountable for their tone as well as their message.

Would you be willing to join Dividers Anonymous?

We need to set aspirational goals, join a supportive community, and collectively hold ourselves to a higher standard.

“You are not obligated to finish the job, but neither are you free to withdraw from it.”

We can’t be perfect, but we can continuously strive toward perfection in our speech and conduct toward others.

Righteous indignation feels better than chocolate.

Have we made an effort to understand why others believe or act the way they do?

Contempt is the root of Cancel Culture.

Free speech survives only through responsibility and accountability.

Self-censorship can be both positive and negative.

Word of the Day:  Reification

the act of treating something abstract, such as an idea, relation, system, quality, etc., as if it were a concrete object;

the act of treating a person as a thing; objectification

To be ethical, we have to strike a balance between applying abstract concepts into our daily lives and preserving the nuance of the idea without oversimplifying.

What do you do to be a bad boss?

What’s the greatest gift you can give?

Would you talk to another person the way you talk to yourself?

These and other fascinating questions are addressed when Brain Science maven Melissa Hughes, Ph.D. joins The Rabbi and the Shrink.

https://www.linkedin.com/in/melissahughesphd/

https://www.melissahughes.rocks/

2:00 Knowing our past gives us a sense of direction for the future

From 4th grade teacher to neuroscience researcher

We all have access to information; how are we using it?

6:30  What do you do to be a bad boss?

Traditional hierarchy vs. teams

Psychological safety and Maslow’s hierarchy of needs

We all want to feel that we belong

Innovation is all about challenging the status quo

“This is how we do it” vs. “Can we do it better?”

11:00 Who is wise?  One who learns from every person

We have to know what works, but also what doesn’t work

Obstacles vs. challenges:  the brain loves challenges

Leaders who listen to employees create a culture of problem solving

15:00 The best way to learn is to teach

We all teach and we all learn

We all contribute and we’re all recognized

The brain doesn’t differentiate between physical and emotional threats

Diversity of perspective leads to full understanding

What’s the greatest gift we can give?

19:30  When we contribute we fee ownership and control

Patterns and self-fulfilling prophecies

We notice what we’re looking for

Would I talk to another person the way I talk to myself?

Showing gratitude benefits us more that the object of our appreciation 

25:00 The brain’s bouncer

The brain let’s in what we tell it to

29:30  The word of the day: Adumbrative

serving to foreshadow; faintly indicative

We create our own reality through our experiences, habits, and expectations

How does pleasure distract us from our own unhappiness?
How is social media designed to control our minds and behaviors?
What is the formula for good digital health and well-being?

Learn the answers to these and many other essential question when digital wellbeing expert Giancarlo Pitocco joins The Rabbi and the Shrink in this episode from the archives.

https://www.linkedin.com/in/gcpofnyc/
purposeful.co

1:00 We need to reclaim control of our lives from technology

Shift your attention from being hijacked by our devices

FB has been exploited and misused by unethical players to manipulate and serve their own agendas

Do you know how much time you’re spending in front of a screen?

4:30 We don’t know what happiness is.

Pleasure often distracts us from our own unhappiness.

If you’re not dependent on external factors for happiness, you’re in control of your life and live more fully

7:00  Is it good to be easily amused?

Being delighted by simple pleasures makes the experience of living richer.

Social media is designed to keep us consuming, almost but never quite satisfied.

11:00 Are you making your future self proud by what you’re doing now?

What happens when our lives become all about comfort, convenience, and stimulation?

The purpose of the game is to play the game; the purpose is the process

We’re living in the Roman Empire

14:00 What are you doing with your life if you don’t have aspirations and values?

Pushing the boundaries of comfort and familiarity keeps us growing and truly alive

“The obstacle is the way”

We can be navigators of our lives, or we can be carried on the current.

Prioritization give us control

19:00 The five stages of digital well being

1. Attention -- you want to be the DJ of your life by placing the needle where it should be

2. Values -- Evaluate how new technology affects your relationships, your work, and your attitudes

1. we can’t eliminate technology from our lives, but we can choose how to allow it in.
2. Google “dark patterns” to learn the dangers
3. Social media is designed to make you addicted; they are selling your time and attention, turning you from a consumer into a commodity.
4. “The Attention Merchants” by Tim Wu

35:00

3. Boundaries -- without priorities, you never get to the important stuff

1. Don’t plug in your phone next to your bed
2. Buy an alarm clock

37:30

4. High quality leisure time

1. Unwind doing something projective and creative
2. Spend time with people

39:00

5. Solitude -- learn to be with yourself

The fundamental value of self-discipline.

Easy and fun entertainment seduces us from doing what we know is in our best interest.

No one changes behavior without incentive.  That’s why a clear WHY is critical to our digital health.

44:45 The word of the day: dissilient -- bursting open or springing apart (Yiddish: plotz)

We should be living with so much enthusiasm welling up inside us that we don’t seek or respond to external distraction. 

47:00 Education can be merely a form of entertainment if it doesn’t lead to action.

Go into your phone and look at screen time or digital wellbeing and see how much time you’re spending on your device.

49:00  How would your life and relationships be healthier if you spent less time on technology?

What will you do or have you done to make a positive change in your life?

How do we nurture our passion when the world around us stands in our way?

What’s the difference between passion and indulgence?

How can employers increase passion?

These and other important questions are addressed when passion guru Kira Day joins The Rabbi and the Shrink.

https://thepassioncentre.com/

https://www.linkedin.com/in/kiraday/

1:00 What is the passion gap?

Too many people don’t care about their work

Confusing passion with mission sends us down the wrong path

Often we need to come from a place of darkness to appreciate light

4:30 Our pains become our passions, and tension produces balance

What is the Passion Test?

What are the internal and external drivers of passion?

Passion makes us better

9:00 The four passion buckets

What are the underlying reasons for our passions?

1. Internal -- natural interests
2. Social environment -- connections and safety
3. Functional -- support and development
4. Psychological -- autonomy, mastery, purpose

Different people can be passionate about the same thing for very different reasons

14:00 Why are we passionate about spectator sports?

Gladiatorial battle or hero’s journey?

If entertainment distracts us, does that make us less passionate?

18:00 What’s the difference between passion and indulgence?

Passion = meaning x investment

Purpose = passion shared

Overindulgence reveals imbalance

24:00 How can employers increase passion?

Care more!

Put more heart into a job by allowing people to be people… give them a reason to be loyal

You can’t buy loyalty with money but with meaning

28:00 Why do ethics produce passion?

Why is procrastination a gift?

31:00 Word of the day: Imputrescible

not liable to decomposition or putrefaction; incorruptible:

Keeping passionately alive ensures our spirit won’t putrefy and we won’t corrupt our core values

Passion is the lift inside of us which connects us to the world around us

34:00 How do we nurture our passion when the world around us stands in our way?

You -- obstacle -- passion

Believe in yourself and your purpose, then obstacles will move out of your way

39:00 With passion anything is possible

When in doubt, pretend to be you

What’s the difference between influence and manipulation?

How has COVID created the need for a new leadership breed?

How do you lead those who don’t want to take risks to do what’s right?

These and other fascinating questions are addressed when Judith Germain, the Mindful Maverick, joins the Rabbi and the Shrink in this archive episode..

https://www.linkedin.com/in/judithgermain/

https://themaverickparadox.com/

1:00 What is the Maverick Paradox?

What kind of leader will risk everything to do what’s right and give up everything to defend it?

Why do companies hire mavericks and then resent them?

You can be a maverick by personality or by vision

Maverick leader is who you are and what you actually do

Everyone can be a maverick leader

5:00 We all have the potential but we don’t all have the will

“Maverick leaders will swim upstream like a salmon even though they know there’s a bear waiting for them

7:30 How do you lead those who don’t want to take risks to do what’s right?

All of human experience is paradoxical

Leaders need to be consultants and promote an antifragile culture

12:00 How do we help mavericks grow?

The difference between extroverted mavericks and introverted mavericks

Patience is a learned trait

Manage the tension between independence and interdependence

Authentic leadership is getting others to want to do the right thing

15:00 What’s the difference between influence and manipulation?

It comes down to intention

Eventually people revolt against manipulation

Maverick leaders are great storytellers

What’s the difference between socialized mavericks and extreme mavericks?

19:00 It’s lonely being a maverick

Pull yourself out of the fight to carry on the fight

When does tension lead to innovation?

How has COVID created the need for a new breed of leaders?

25:00 If you’re not being challenged, something is wrong.

Unanimity is overrated

If a maverick stops arguing, it means they’ve stopped caring

29:00 Four different personalities

Conformist, maverick behaviorist, socialized maverick, and extreme maverick

Balance the good of others and the good of themselves

What are the defining characteristics of a maverick leader:

Determined

Reputation -- character and competence

Influence

Versatility

Execution

Narration

Differences with a sense of common vision drives success

34:00 Trust is built or undermined over time

Principled leadership inspires trusting followership

Grover Cleveland

Unreasonable expectations sabotages the system

Ethics always begins with accountability

Only through passionate engagement and constructive disagreement can we get closer to the truth

45:00  Word of the day:  iconoclast

Challenge the conventional wisdom

When politics becomes religion, there can be no ethical debate

Strike the balance between civility and being contrarian

How do we defend and secure free speech in a culture that is increasingly uncivil and disinterested in facts and logic?

This is the topic we take up when self-care guru, corporate trainer, and motivational speaker Breeda Miller joins The Rabbi and the Shrink.

Here are the bullet points:

The elements of free speech: ability, consequences, and responsibility.

Language and thought -- one can corrupt the other

Candor vs courtesy

The ability to disagree without being disagreeable

Is it okay to speak up when you don't understand the culture?

We can't legislate good behavior, but we can legislate responsible behavior.

Curiosity vs. judgmentalism.

Relationships can change hearts and minds.

Tone is integral to communication, and we have to give others the chance to know us.

We have to be willing to question where our beliefs come from.

Travel -- broadening our boundaries -- provides us the opportunity to appreciate different outlooks and perspectives.

Oppressive culture suppresses thought by controlling speech.

How do we engage people who reject facts and logic?

Challenge yourself to articulate opposing points of view.

Good intention, clear thinking, informed action lead to ethical decision making.

Free speech isn't free, freedom is earned, and rights go hand in hand with responsibilities.

Why are New Year's resolutions so hard to keep?

Do we want to change enough to really commit ourselves?

What are some basic strategies to do and be better?

These and other critical questions are addressed in this archive episode of The Rabbi and the Shrink.

1:00 Repentance means a return to the straight and narrow through 1) stopping the improper behavior, 2) feeling remorse, 3) verbalizing our apology, and 4) planning a strategy not to backslide into old behaviors.  Without a specific, concrete plan we have little chance of achieving lasting change.

4:00 The story of the first time Rabbi Goldson observed the Sabbath according to Jewish law, which demonstrates that the promises we make to ourselves may be the most important promises we keep.

9:30 Many people are not good to themselves, which may be why ethics really does start at home.  What do you do to take care of or honor yourself?

11:00 Is there any sin that is truly unforgivable?  According to the sages, only seven biblical figures totally forfeited their share in the world to come through actions that led others to sin. 

13:00 Start with achievable goals. Find accountability partners.

15:00 Are there do-overs?  Aside from the most egregious and lasting harm we might cause, we should be able to hit a reset button and commit to better behavior than wallowing in regret or resentment.

If a sin leads me to set higher standards for myself, then it actually becomes metabolized into something positive.

18:00 Look at the past with fresh eyes, recognize each party’s responsibility, evaluate with empathy, identify what needs fixing.

We are heroes and victims and witnesses in almost every situation.  We need to ask ourselves: how do we become heroes?

21:00 There’s no app for being ethical, and there shouldn’t be.  It’s by grappling with gray areas that we develop our ethical muscles.

When it comes to our errors, we can always make ourselves better, but we can’t always repair the damage we’ve done.

23:30 Moderating our response to others’ mistakes, especially children.

25:30 The Nazi officer asked a camp inmate for forgiveness.  Should the Jew have forgiven him?

28:00 Does mental illness exempt a person from culpability?  But it shifts responsibility to seeking help and to those in a position to help.  Sometimes we just have to struggle with the impossibility of finding closure.

33:00  What was, what can be, and what should be, is the path forward.

Continuing behavior should not be forgiven unless it is uncontrollable or no effort is being made to control it.  The evils of sarcasm.

39:00 Word of the day: incogitant -- thoughtless, careless, or lacking the faculty of thought.  We have to be thoughtful to be ethical, but we also have to balance high standards against reasonable expectations for others and ourselves.

The Hebrew word for rebuke shares its root with the word for vindication.

42:30 How do we understand the biblical command not to bear a grudge?  We can’t control our feelings, but we can control whether we act on or articulate our feelings.

We don’t have to say everything we think. Only speak when it’s likely to do some good.

47:00 If two people both think they’re doing the right thing and they disagree with each other, how do we reconcile their different perceptions?

Schedule a time to discuss disagreements; don’t ambush people.

“I’d like to understand your point of view.”

54:00 How do parents confront school policies or actions by the school that the parents see as unethical.  Often a third party intervention can de-escalate conflict.

How do you tell the truth when there’s so much pressure to do the opposite?

How do we stop greasing the slippery slope to hell?

What is “ethical fading” and what can we do about it?

These and other compelling questions are addressed Courageous Leadership pioneer Brooke Deterline joins The Rabbi and the Shrink.

https://www.thecourage2lead.com/

https://www.linkedin.com/in/brooke-deterline-428aa7/

1:30  Our most real beliefs may not be true

“The Heroic Imagination Project”

It’s easy for good people to do the wrong thing under pressure

The danger of situational influences

“Now that we know, what will we do?”

8:00 Brooke’s own epiphany of moral vulnerability

Responding through social fitness against our biology

Professor Dumbledor’s wisdom to combat groupthink

Courageous democracy

Grief is a powerful connector

14:00  Strengthening ethical decision-making through cognitive behavior training

Physical mindfulness

Write down your negative automatic thoughts, i.e, fears

Identify the behaviors emerge in stressful situations and what’s the likely impact

What we can do that’s helpful to ourselves, e.g., give ourselves distance

We can always circle back if we don’t get it right in the moment

Forward-cast others in their best roles

22:00 Even if it’s not my fault, it might still be my responsibility

In teams, we learn how to give those around us the support they want and need

Don’t be afraid to ask

Simulations need real anxiety to create muscle memory

What are the outcomes we want based on our values?

33:00 Have we thought enough about our core values?

We may not have learned to articulate them

God created difficult people for our benefit

The domino system of learning empathy

Invite participants to take the role as leaders

39:00  The 4 stages of psychological safety

Belonging safety

Learning safety

Contribution safety

Challenger safety

Transform anxiety into excitement

Three contrarians can create safety to challenge

The danger of ethical fading

48:00 Why do we miss the gorilla in the room?
Learn to see in 3-D

Don’t trust yourself until the day you die

We need to keep each other honest

There’s no such thing as an expert

Dissolute

indifferent to moral restraints; given to immoral or improper conduct; licentious; dissipated.

Dissolutive

1. Decomposition into fragments or parts; disintegration. 
2. Termination or extinction by disintegration or dispersion: 
3. Indulgence in sensual pleasures; debauchery. 

The dissolution of the empire was remarkably swift.

Joseph’s brothers and Reuben’s irresolution

When we see ourselves as individuals, we lose conviction in carrying though on our values

Connection with the right people is a source of moral strength

How do you make the leap from damage control to prevention?

What question should leaders be asking themselves?

What is the ROI of generosity?

These and other transformational questions are addressed when generosity guru April Shprintz joins The Rabbi and the Shrink.

https://www.linkedin.com/in/aprilshprintz/

https://drivenoutcomes.com/

1:30 What are magic blue rocks?

We don’t always recognize how we can inspire others

Mindset makes all the difference

The power of authentic storytelling

6:30 The belief that life can be different

We can feel shame for circumstances beyond our control

When generosity becomes a reflex, it means nothing to us but everything to others

We don’t see what grows from the seeds we sow

In order to serve others, we have to see the bigger picture

14:15 Things in life happen for you, not to you

Working on how you view the world is the best thing you can do for yourself

What’s with the leopard print?

Dressing your truth

The sages’ lesson from the animal world

21:00  The ROI of generosity

Pour into your people, your clients, and your community

Symbiosis survives and thrives

When leaders don’t recognize their own resources

What are The 5 Questions?

27:00  Leaders need to ask themselves:  is your culture healthy?

The consultant as a member of the pit crew

How do you define “leader”?

Generosity should be a no-brainer

People who guard their “secret sauce” may have little that’s actually worth guarding

We’re in business to make ourselves obsolete

32:00 Is generosity a hard-sell?

When people are ready, then it becomes easy to show them the solution

Make the leap from damage control to prevention

You don’t have time?  You don’t have time not to!

Firemen are sexier than building inspectors

36:00 The word of the day:  Effluence

the action or process of flowing out; efflux.

something that flows out; emanation.

Effluence is close to affluence -- when we pour into others, we serve ourselves as well