January 22, 2020

TODAY MY GRATITUDE HAS PUSHED THROUGH MY FEARS

Today my gratitude has pushed through my fears, as a severely abused child fear of cruelty and threat to life is expected when life gets a little peaceful.  My abusers were narcissist and these deformed people are never at peace and hate to see another in this elusive state they never seem to be able to attain.  The jealousy drives them to disturb those immersed in the gratitude state, those emotionally crippled by thought insignificance scream at the constant insulting consciousness that taunts them, they are in perpetual agitation and grind their teeth psychologically with rage at their incarceration with no release date in sight.

My first abuser would attack me and beat me out of my enjoyment of enjoying my presence of being gifted to be alive and in balance with my balanced and well put together anatomy, grooming my mind.  Always when the bruises calmed down their fire and lumps would shrink and lose their presence to my touch, would i hear her breath quicken with words of complaint for some small thing i over looked to keep tidy.  The next thing i knew is the room would change its angles, i would see lights and things would smudge as if what was a painting is now vandalised, my eyes stopped working and then there was a familiar smell of my own blood.  This bomb site i called my life, and it always happened when i was quiet.

FEAR was my soundtrack that did not let the better tuned emotions become my music.  This emotion that made my muscles twitch, my jaw flex, and my fists clench, always kidnapped me when things were quiet, as soon as i acknowledged peace, anticipation of what usually happened next snapped me back into the paranoia that something painful was going to happen.  Sometimes i would make it happen so i would not be surprised, but since the age of eight i have strived to enjoy a little peace and today at 55, my work is paying off.  Gratitude pushes through all my bodies muscle memories and i feel all of me relax and give thanks, i give thanks for my muffling of angst.

https://johnnybangreilly.com/blogs/news/today-my-gratitude-has-pushed-through-my-fears