Kidnapping at the speed of light?  Is this the cunning and lucrative crime bonanza of the future?  Kenneth and Eugene discuss Torment.

Episode Synopsis

Old man Santiago’s got a problem.  His parents were kidnapped 50 years ago, and now the kidnapper, Darnell, wants ransom to return them unharmed.  They’re just a pair of scared kids, but Santiago doesn’t have the money, but he promises to get it.

While this is happening, Rudolfo has problems of his own.  One of his exes is demanding her owed child support, which Rudolfo is behind on.  Without that money, she can’t send their 16-year-old daughter, Serena, to a correctional camp for the summer and so, the Trans-Utopian becomes that summer vacation for her.

When she gets to the ship, she spends her time pissing everyone off and trying to jump Marcus’ bones.

Instead of paying the ransom, which Santiago can’t, he decides to engage Montana and the gang to take down the kidnappers.

It’s an interesting kidnapping racket.  Santiago’s parents were kidnapped when he was just a boy, then taken on board the kidnapper’s spaceship at near-luminal speeds out to the outer planets and returned 8 months later – relative to their own timeline.  However, because the ship traveled at high relativistic speeds, 50 years have elapsed for Santiago.

They arrange to monitor the money exchange and it all goes wrong when Santiago decides to… I don’t know.  Something.  Anyway, shots are fired, and Rudolfo is hit.  Darnell escapes with the parents.  Santiago blames Montana and the gang because. I don’t know.  He doesn’t seem the most coherent of people.

A cunning plan is hatched.  Montana guesses that Darnell will take their ship up to speed for a day or two and return and try again. (That’s 2-5 months for us mere mortals.). So, the cunning plan is to… pursue Darnell’s ship, and while the Trans-Utopian also has an anti-matter drive, it’s flakey.

Rudolfo suggests detonating a torpedo near the enormous anti-matter ball sack hanging off the back of Darnell’s ship.  This scares the bejeezus out of them, but they don’t surrender, so they use lasers to cut the ball sack off.  Cut free, the ball sack, which is filled with highly dangerous anti-matter that could explode on an astronomical scale, and the ship go opposite directions, but then, the ball sack hits the ship anyway, and then, it hits the Trans-Utopian, too, because… #DramaNotPhysics.  Darnell surrenders and agrees to fly the disabled ship back to Syn City and turn over the parents, which for some dumb reason apparently makes sense to and is agreed upon by Montana.

Serena is actually quite impressed with her worthless father and decides she wants to stay.  But when Rudolfo tells her no, she contacts Darnell and asks to… I don’t know… run away with him?  Despite the fact that she’s never met the man, and knows nothing about him except that he’s a kidnapper.

Montana and Santiago meet Darnell and the parents are set free, ready to continue their happy life with a son that’s twice as old as they are and in a world that’s passed them by.

While waiting for Darnell, Serena meets Marcus’ old friend Vaela, who, as a fellow stripper, takes pity on the girl, but does nothing to stop her from going off with Darnell, who is promising her a dream life in the outer worlds but is, of course, just kidnapping her to ransom back to Rudolfo.

The gang catches up to them before they leave and another shoot-out occurs, and Rudolfo gets shot again.  Father and daughter reconciled and it looks like the Trans-Utopian has a new crew member.  Maybe?  But somehow I doubt we’ll ever see her again.