Why Transform Disrespect?

Seven-year-olds seek independence and will naturally test limits and break rules. When they feel powerless and angry, they can lash out in ways that show disrespect for others. Though this is a normal part of their development and necessary for their learning, it can anger or worry a caring parent or someone in a parenting role. You can transform these moments into vital opportunities to teach children healthy and respectful alternatives. 

Step 1: Get Input- Get Your Child Thinking by Getting Their Input

●      Ask yourself, “Does my child have an unmet need?” Perhaps they are hungry or tired, need attention, or need downtime.

●      Check on how you are feeling. If you are angry, frustrated, or overwhelmed, you may need to take a few minutes to collect yourself before engaging your child.

●      Ask your child how they are feeling. “I notice your face is red. Are you feeling frustrated?” Or “I saw your friend leave to go play with someone else. I wonder if you are feeling sad?”

●      Use your best listening skills.

Step 2: Teach New Skills 

●      Learn together! Transforming disrespect requires dealing with challenging feelings in healthy ways and learning constructive ways to use and share power.

●      Model respectful words and actions, and your children will notice and learn!

●      Work on your family feelings vocabulary.

●      Create a calm-down plan.

●      Practice deep breathing to calm down.

●      Teach assertive communication through I-messages such as “I feel _________(insert feeling word) when you______ (name the words or actions that upset you) because__________.”

●      Teach your child positive ways to seek control or power.

●      Teach your child to repair harm.

●      End the day with love. Often, when a child acts disrespectfully they feel bad about themselves; spend one-on-one time with your child to remind them they are loved no matter their choices.

Step 3: Practice to Grow Skill and Develop Habits 

●      Accept feelings (even ones you don’t like!): “I hear you’re upset. What can you do to help yourself feel better?”

●      Use “Show me…” statements like “Show me how you can make a good choice when you talk to your sister.”

●      Offer limited and authentic choices. “Do  you want to do homework at the kitchen counter or the dining room table?”

●      Share power through turn-taking or cooperative decision making as a family.

●      Practice deep breathing. This is a simple practice your child can use to assist themselves anytime, anywhere.

●      Follow through on repairing harm.

●      Proactively remind: “Remember what helps you feel better? What can you do?”

Step 4: Support Your Child's Development and Success 

●      Ask key questions to support their skills: “You and your brother must work together to clean your bedroom today. Do you remember what you can do if you start feeling frustrated?”

●      Promote an “I can” belief. Children need to know you believe in them.

●      Foster friendships. They offer opportunities for your child to practice power sharing,  negotiating roles, and working through conflict.

●      Stay engaged. Try out new and different coping strategies to see what works best.

●      Engage in further practice. Role-play or rehearse when needed.

●      Reflect on the real world and the natural consequences of disrespectful behaviors.

●      Follow through on logical consequences to repair harm when needed.

Step 5: Recognize Effort 

●      Notice even small successes: “I noticed how you took deep breaths when you got frustrated. That’s excellent!”

●      Recognize small steps along the way.

●      Build celebrations into your routine. Consider a hug when the routine is accomplished.

Recommended Citation: Center for Health and Safety Culture. (2024). Disrespect Age 7 Summary. Retrieved fromhttps://www.ToolsforYourChildsSuccess.org

This content does not necessarily reflect the views or policies of the Tools for Your Child’s Success communities, financial supporters, contributors, SAMHSA or the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.

© 2024 Center for Health and Safety Culture at Montana State University

Why Chores?

Chores allow your child to contribute to maintaining and caring for your family’s household. Daily chores allow your child to learn and practice valuable skills like timeliness, work ethic, and responsibility. 

 Step 1: Get Input- Get Your Child Thinking by Getting Their Input

Consider what chores need to be done. You might start by thinking through the rooms in the house, beginning with your child’s room. 

●      “What must we do in your bedroom to keep it clean and ready to use?”

●      “How should we deal with dirty clothes and prepare clean clothes for school?”

●      “When and how do we prepare and eat family dinner together?”

●      “When we are finished playing, how do we leave our play areas?”

Step 2: Teach New Skills 

●      Say what you will model and why. Model it. “Watch how I play, waiter. You can try it after me!”

●      Ask your child what they noticed: “What did you notice when I acted like a waiter?”

●      Invite your child to model: “Okay, it's your turn to pretend to be the waiter.”

●      Ask what they noticed with their modeling: “What did you notice when you did it?”

●      Practice together: “Let’s both be waiters. I’ll set the napkins down, and you place the silverware.”

●      Provide specific feedback starting with strengths using “I notice…” statements like, “I noticed you handled the silverware carefully -- terrific! When you put the napkins down, count so that each person gets one.”

Step 3: Practice to Grow Skill and Develop Habits 

●      Use “Show me…” statements like, “Show me how you make your bed.”

●      Proactively remind: “Remember our next step? What is it?”

Step 4: Support Your Child's Development and Success

●      Ask key questions: “How are you feeling when it’s time to clean up? Do you know where everything goes?”

●      Recognize effort by using “I notice” statements like, “I noticed how you went ahead and picked up your toys without me asking. That’s taking responsibility!” 

●      Infuse some fun! Make clean-up time or chore time fun. Working together as a family can be enjoyable. Turn on some music or sing a song while working. 

●      Reflect on outcomes. “It looks like you forgot to set the table. What could help you remember in the future?”

●      Stay engaged. Ask yourself if you need to reteach or make changes.

●      Follow through with logical consequences to repair harm when needed.

Step 5: Recognize Effort

●      Notice even small successes: “I notice you put your game away when finished. Excellent.”

●      Recognize small steps along the way.

●      Build celebrations into your routine. Include hugs in your repertoire of ways to appreciate one another.

Why Repairing Harm?

Seven-year-olds are working on understanding and applying rules in various situations. They are seeking independence and will naturally test limits and break rules. When they do, they require guidance on how to repair harm caused to a relationship or item. This is a normal part of their development and necessary for their learning. Research confirms that children are in the process of developing higher-order thinking skills, such as consequential thinking and linking cause to effect. This directly impacts their school success and ability to take responsibility for their actions as they grow. Children need the guidance and support of caring adults to learn these skills.

Step 1: Get Input- Get Your Child Thinking by Getting Their Input

●      You can ask them about how they are feeling. 

○      “I noticed your face got red. So, when you said unkind things to your sister, were you frustrated?” 

○      “I saw your friend leave you to play with someone else at the playground. I wonder if you are feeling sad?”

●      You can also ask them about how they think others might be feeling.

○      “Your sister cried when you said those unkind words to her. How might she be feeling?” 

○      “When your friend didn’t get to take their turn, how do you think they were feeling?”

○      “When you said that to me, how do you think that made me feel?”

Step 2: Teach New Skills

●      Understanding your own feelings and behaviors when your child misbehaves is a great way to start. It will help you know what your child is learning to do.

●      Model behaviors (and your children will notice and learn!).

●      Teach positive behaviors. Children need to learn the positive behavior that can replace inappropriate behavior.

●      Create a calm-down plan. “What helps you feel better when you're sad, mad, or hurt?”

●      Practice deep breathing to calm down.

●      Brainstorm coping strategies and make a list together, such as hugging a pillow, reading a favorite book, walking outside, getting a glass of water, or listening to music.

●      Work on your family feelings vocabulary. Use specific feelings words to describe your state of mind and help your child describe theirs.

●      Teach assertive communication through I-messages such as “I feel _________(insert feeling word) when you______ (name the words or actions that upset you) because__________.”  “I feel sad when you say hurtful things to your brother because it hurts his feelings.”

Step 3: Practice to Grow Skill and Develop Habits

●      Use “Show me…” statements like “Show me how you can make things better with your sister.”

●      Accept feelings (even ones you don’t like!): “I hear you’re upset. What can you do to help yourself feel better? Would your calm down space help you feel better?”

●      Offer limited and authentic choices. “Could you talk to her directly or write her a note?”

●      Recognize effort: “I notice how you went back to your sister to talk to her after you fought. That’s how you heal the relationship.”

●      Proactively remind: “Remember what helps you feel better? What can you do?”

Step 4: Support Your Child's Development and Success

●      Ask key questions to support their skills: “You will see Julie today. How will you tell her you are sorry for your words yesterday?”

●      Learn about development. Each new age and stage will present differing challenges, including stress, frustration, and anger.

●      Promote an “I can” belief. Children must hear that you believe in their ability to mend their relationships.

●      Follow through on logical consequences to repair harm when needed.

Step 5: Recognize Effort

●      Notice even small successes: “I noticed you made up with your sister before I said anything. That’s the way to be a big sister.”  

●      Recognize small steps along the way.

●      Build celebrations into your routine. Consider a hug when an effort to repair harm has been made.

Recommended Citation: Center for Health and Safety Culture. (2024). Repairing Harm Age 7 Summary. Retrieved from https://www.ToolsforYourChildsSuccess.org

This content does not necessarily reflect the views or policies of the Tools for Your Child’s Success communities, financial supporters, contributors, SAMHSA, or the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.

© 2024 Center for Health and Safety Culture at Montana State University

Why Back Talk?

Arguing in family life is typical and expected. “Back talk” can be defined as “argumentative replies.” 1 Children can respond in anger, hurt, frustration, hurtful tones, or with hurtful words. Back talk also represents a power imbalance children are trying to rectify. To regain some power, children lash out with hurtful words. Power, after all, is a basic human need. Building your child’s skills to respond assertively but non-aggressively is essential to their success.

Step 1: Get Input- Get Your Child Thinking by Getting Their Input

●      “What gets you upset or mad at a friend, a relative, Mom and Dad?”

●      “What feelings do you experience?” (Name the multiple feelings that occur.)

●      “How does your body feel when you’re upset?” (Name how your child physically experiences being upset, whether it’s a red hot face or a racing heartbeat.) 

●      “Have you hurt another person’s feelings when you’ve argued? How did that feel?” 

●      “How might you have argued differently to express your needs but not harm the other person?” 

●      Practicing naming feelings will enable your child to identify their and others’ feelings and seek support when needed. This can help your child gain competence. 

●      Use your best listening skills!

Step 2: Teach New Skills 

●      Reflect on how you currently model communication when you’re upset. Only model what you want to see and hear back from your child.

●      Fighting habits hurt others and destroy trust in one another: 2

○      Do not use physical force. 

○      Do not talk about others negatively when they are not present.  

○      Do not criticize. 

○      Do not show contempt. 

○      Do not become defensive or blaming. 

○      Do not refuse to listen or give the silent treatment.

●      Play like a hermit crab to help calm down. When upset, pretend to bury yourself in your shell with your child, arms over your head. Take some deep breaths together and only reemerge when feeling better. 

●      Begin to teach your child to repair harm. A critical step in teaching children about managing anger is learning how to repair harm when they’ve caused it.

Step 3: Practice to Grow Skill and Develop Habits

●      Allow your child the chance to assert their needs in small ways, like ordering for themselves in a restaurant or asking for your attention in healthy ways. 

●      Consider how you can create the conditions to support their success (like offering coaching or guided open-ended questions to prompt thinking) so your child learns to become their best problem solver.

●      Share a range of feeling words regularly to become more comfortable expressing feelings.

●      Practice the hermit crab game on more challenging problems. Then, when in a heated moment, gently remind your child, “Remember what the hermit crab does?”

●      Practice deep breathing to help you calm down when you have spare moments together, such as while waiting in line, driving in the car, or at bedtime.

●      Follow through on repairing harm. When your child has caused harm, they need your guidance, encouragement, and support to repair it. 

Step 4: Support Your Child's Development and Success 

●      Use “Show me…” statements like, “Show me you can go into your shell and calm down before we talk this through.”

●      Recognize effort by using “I notice…” statements like, “I noticed how you talked to your sister about how you were feeling and then worked with her to come to an agreement. That’s excellent!”

●      Remind them of their strengths: “Remember how you talked to your sister yesterday? You can use that same strategy with your friend today.”

●      Reflect on choices: “It seems you are holding onto angry feelings toward your friend. What are some ways you could approach your friend? What options do you think you have?”

●      Follow through on logical consequences to repair harm done when needed.

Step 5: Recognize Effort 

●      Notice even small successes: “I noticed you told me your feelings when you were upset. That’s exactly how we can work together. ”

●      Recognize small steps along the way.

●      Build celebrations into your routine. Consider a hug when the routine is accomplished.

Why Anger?

Research confirms that when young children learn to manage their feelings, their executive functions are simultaneously strengthened.^1 They can better use self-control, problem-solve, and focus their attention. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-child relationship. Growing your child’s skills to manage anger provides a perfect opportunity.  

Step 1: Get Input- Get Your Child Thinking by Getting Their Input

●      “When do you feel angry?” 

●      “What time of day?” 

●      “What people, places, and activities are usually involved?” 

●      “How does your body feel now?” (in a calm moment) “How does your body feel when you are angry?”  

Step 2: Teach New Skills

●      Learn together! Anger and hurt are important messages to pay attention to. They mean emotional, social, or physical needs are not being met, or necessary boundaries (rules, values) are being violated. 

●      Anger is not bad or negative. You should not avoid or shut down the experience of it.

●      Expressing anger in a way such as yelling will not make it go away.

●      Venting, such as complaining, ranting, or even mumbling, does not relieve the upset thoughts and feelings. 

●      Avoiding or pretending you are not angry will not make it go away.

●      Model behaviors and your children will notice and learn! ^2

●      Create a calm-down plan. 

●      Recognize your anger from physical signs.

●      Practice deep breathing to calm down.

●      Brainstorm coping strategies for yourself, such as walking outside, moving in slow motion, distracting yourself, writing, or drawing.

●      Make a list of coping strategies with your child, like counting to 50, drawing, coloring, or building something. Keep it handy! 

●      Work on your family feelings vocabulary. Use specific feeling words to describe your state of mind and help your child describe theirs.

●      Play feelings guessing games with the family. Ask each family member what they did today and see if you can guess their feelings from their expression. 

●      Create a safe base -- a place in the house where your child can choose to go when they want comfort. 

●      Reflect on your child’s anger so you can be prepared to help. “What needs is my child not getting met? Can my child address the issue alone, or do they need to communicate a need, ask for help, or set a boundary?”

●      Teach assertive communication through I-messages such as “I feel _________(insert feeling word) when you______ (name the words or actions that upset you) because__________.”

●      Teach your child to repair harm. A critical step in teaching children about managing anger is teaching them how to repair harm (physical or emotional) when they’ve caused it.

●      Create a ritual for expressing gratitude so that it happens and becomes a habit. For example, you might say what you are grateful for before each family meal. 

Step 3: Practice to Grow Skill and Develop Habits

●      Use “Show me…” statements like, “Show me how you use your safe base to calm down.”

●      Accept feelings (even ones you don’t like): “I hear you’re upset. What can you do to help yourself feel better?”

●      Recognize effort: “I notice how you took deep breaths when you got frustrated. That’s excellent!”

●      Practice deep breathing. 

●      Follow through on repairing harm. 

●      Include reflection on the day in your bedtime routine: “What happened today that made you feel happy? What are you looking forward to tomorrow?”

●      “How might you have argued differently to express your needs but not harm the other person?” 

Step 4: Support Your Child's Development and Success

●      Ask key questions to support their skills: “You will see Julie today. Do you remember what you can do if you get angry?”

●      Learn about your child’s development. Each new age presents different challenges.

●      Stay engaged. Try out new and different coping strategies to see what works best.

●      Follow through on logical consequences to repair harm when needed. 

●      If there are high emotions in your household on most days, it may be time to consider outside intervention.

Step 5: Recognize Effort

●      Notice even small successes: “I noticed when you got frustrated with your homework, you moved away and took some deep breaths. Excellent!”

●      Recognize small steps along the way.

●      Build celebrations into your routine. Consider a hug when the routine is accomplished.

As a parent or those in a parenting role, you play a vital role in the success of your seven-year-old. Helping your child learn to recognize, understand, and deal with bullying behavior is important for their success in school and the world. One in five children experiences bullying, which can come in the form of repeated name-calling, insults, rumors, taunting, social exclusion, or physical harm.^

As a parent or those in a parenting role, you play a valuable part in your child’s development. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-child relationship while increasing confidence in your child that they can work to attain goals and succeed in school and the world.

As a parent or those in a parenting role, you play a crucial role in your child’s development. There are intentional ways to foster a healthy parent-child relationship, and growing your child’s skills to manage conflict provides a great opportunity.

As a parent or those in a parenting role, you play a crucial role in helping your child develop empathy. Empathy is the way people relate effectively to one another. It’s the ability to notice what others are feeling, understand that information, and respond in a compassionate manner. There are intentional ways to cultivate a healthy parent-child relationship while increasing your child’s capacity for empathy from the time they are born all the way through their teen years. Empathy is needed for your child to experience happy healthy relationships because it allows for emotional connection to others beginning early with family and friends, then as they develop, extends to successful school, work, social, and even romantic relationships.

Children ages 5-10 are engaging in understanding rules and applying them in different situations. They are craving independence and will naturally test limits and break rules. This is a typical part of their development and necessary for learning.