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70: When Your Child Cuts You Off: Boundaries, Grief, and Clean Apologies
Quinn gets real about estrangement: when a child requests no contact, how do you keep loving without self-erasure? In this intimate conversation, Quinn shares their experience with an adult son who cut contact in November 2023, the grief of “losing someone who’s still alive,” and the radical shift from controlling outcomes to controlling self: nervous system care, boundaries, honest self-inventory, and clean apologies grounded in Pete Walker’s framework.
Key takeaways
- Two truths can coexist: “I can love you and block you.” Boundaries are love when they protect everyone’s nervous systems.
- Control the controllables: your home’s safety, your emotional regulation, your integrity, your consistency for the kids who are present.
- Own your part—without self-erasure: apologize for your missteps, not for your values (e.g., leaving a religion or a marriage).
- Clean apology framework (Pete Walker–style):
- Name the harm specifically → 2) Take full responsibility → 3) Express real empathy → 4) Offer repair → 5) Commit to change.
- No “but” in the apology. Anything after “but” deletes the apology.
- Grief is not a problem to fix. It’s a process to honor while you keep living a life you’re proud of.
- Pour love somewhere safe: if direct contact isn’t available, journal letters you may never send—offerings without hooks, guilt, or demands.
Action steps
- Write a one-page self-inventory: “What I did,” “Impact it had,” “How I’ll do it differently now.”
- Draft one clean apology (even if unsent). Keep it under 150 words. Remove every “but.”
- Create a nervous system boundary plan: What messages/emails you’ll read, when you’ll pause, and who you’ll call for support.
- Start a love ledger (journal) for the estranged child—write monthly from a grounded state only.
- Build a present-kid ritual (weekly breakfast walk, game night, study date) to anchor the family you do have access to.
Gentle reminder
Estrangement is complex. Get therapy or group support if you can. Protect your safety. You don’t owe access to anyone who is actively harming you—even if you love them.
CTA
If this episode helped, share it with a mama in the thick of it. Rate/review to get this message to more post-divorce women.
PostDivorceGlowUp.com
Email: [email protected]
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By Quinn OtreraQuinn gets real about estrangement: when a child requests no contact, how do you keep loving without self-erasure? In this intimate conversation, Quinn shares their experience with an adult son who cut contact in November 2023, the grief of “losing someone who’s still alive,” and the radical shift from controlling outcomes to controlling self: nervous system care, boundaries, honest self-inventory, and clean apologies grounded in Pete Walker’s framework.
Key takeaways
- Two truths can coexist: “I can love you and block you.” Boundaries are love when they protect everyone’s nervous systems.
- Control the controllables: your home’s safety, your emotional regulation, your integrity, your consistency for the kids who are present.
- Own your part—without self-erasure: apologize for your missteps, not for your values (e.g., leaving a religion or a marriage).
- Clean apology framework (Pete Walker–style):
- Name the harm specifically → 2) Take full responsibility → 3) Express real empathy → 4) Offer repair → 5) Commit to change.
- No “but” in the apology. Anything after “but” deletes the apology.
- Grief is not a problem to fix. It’s a process to honor while you keep living a life you’re proud of.
- Pour love somewhere safe: if direct contact isn’t available, journal letters you may never send—offerings without hooks, guilt, or demands.
Action steps
- Write a one-page self-inventory: “What I did,” “Impact it had,” “How I’ll do it differently now.”
- Draft one clean apology (even if unsent). Keep it under 150 words. Remove every “but.”
- Create a nervous system boundary plan: What messages/emails you’ll read, when you’ll pause, and who you’ll call for support.
- Start a love ledger (journal) for the estranged child—write monthly from a grounded state only.
- Build a present-kid ritual (weekly breakfast walk, game night, study date) to anchor the family you do have access to.
Gentle reminder
Estrangement is complex. Get therapy or group support if you can. Protect your safety. You don’t owe access to anyone who is actively harming you—even if you love them.
CTA
If this episode helped, share it with a mama in the thick of it. Rate/review to get this message to more post-divorce women.
PostDivorceGlowUp.com
Email: [email protected]