The internet's still broken, folks, and apparently, AI's here to make it more awkward. Intel caught a break from Uncle Sam's CHIPS Act, cool for them, not so much for those 'flashing warning signs' in the job market. Meta's been letting celebrity chatbots run wild (and creepy), Midjourney's getting sued by Warner Bros. for stealing IP (who'da thought?), and OpenAI thinks an AI hiring platform is a good idea. Plus, an AI chatbot automated a cybercrime spree, totally unexpected. If you're calling ChatGPT a 'clanker,' you're not wrong, but seriously? Your butt probably needs a break from the toilet.

Elon Musk and his joyride of companies continue to make us wonder if we're living in a dystopian satire. Tesla got slapped with a $243 million verdict after rejecting a $60 million settlement (because that's how you make deals, right?). 'Key data' they said they didn't have? A hacker found it. His vague 'master plan' sounds like a last-minute college essay, and software deploys airbags before you crash. His quest for a trillion-dollar pay package is on, and Neuralink can't even trademark 'telepathy.' They're doing brain surgeries in Toronto now. What could go wrong?

On the lighter side, Finland built a giant sand battery, which is cool, and iOS 26 finally gave iPads a native Instagram app after, like, forever. We've got movie reviews, TV binges (Wednesday is really good), and a deep dive into KPop Demon Hunters (seriously, listen to the songs). FIFA's jacking up World Cup ticket prices with dynamic pricing (of course they are), and Morrissey's selling his stake in The Smiths (probably to escape his own 'malicious associations'). If you're still reading Usenet threads from '94, you're either a sadist or Dave.

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FOLLOW UP

The US government drops its CHIPS Act requirements for Intel

America’s job market flashes yet another warning sign about the economy

Hydrogen-Powered Plasma Torch Decimates Plastic Waste in a Blink

Your Butthole Is Begging You to Stop Scrolling on the Toilet

IN THE NEWS

Tesla rejected $60 million settlement before losing $243 million Autopilot verdict

Tesla said it didn’t have key data in a fatal crash. Then a hacker found it.

Tesla has a new master plan—it just doesn’t have any specifics

Tesla Software Update Will Deploy Airbags Before Crash Actually Happens

Trump to host tech CEOs for first event in newly renovated Rose Garden

Tesla proposes Elon Musk pay package that could make him the world’s first trillionaire

Tesla shareholders to vote on investing in Musk’s AI startup xAI

Meta reportedly allowed unauthorized celebrity AI chatbots on its services

Warner Bros. Discovery is suing Midjourney for copyright infringement

OpenAI announces AI-powered hiring platform to take on LinkedIn

OpenAI is reportedly producing its own AI chips starting next year

A hacker used AI to automate an 'unprecedented' cybercrime spree, Anthropic says

The world's largest sand battery just went live in Finland

Why the Internet Can’t Stop Calling ChatGPT a “Clanker”

MEDIA CANDY

The Thursday Murder Club

Weapons

Alien: Earth

Wednesday

Star Trek: Strange New Worlds - Four and a Half Vulcans

Upload

KPop Demon Hunters - revisited

2026 World Cup tickets: FIFA confirms use of dynamic pricing

Exhausted by "malicious associations," Morrissey sells stake in The Smiths

APPS & DOODADS

Marshall’s Mid-Century-Looking Soundbar Would Make Don Draper Cry Tears of Joy

Who Owns ‘Telepathy’?

Instagram finally has an iPad app 15 years after it first launched

Roblox will require age verification for all users to access communication features

superwhisper

iOS 26 adds seven brand new iPhone ringtones, listen here

THE DARK SIDE WITH DAVE

Dave Bittner

The CyberWire

Hacking Humans

Caveat

Control Loop

Only Malware in the Building

Hot sauce and hot takes: An Only Malware in the Building special.

My comments on a Usenet thread from 1994

Darth Vader’s Lightsaber Auction Sale Sets Record for ‘Star Wars’ Item

Home Depot R2D2

Disney Disney Star Wars Animated Darth Vader

Florida plans to end all state vaccine mandates, including for schools

VibeVoice: A Frontier Long Conversational Text-to-Speech Model

Rumor: There’s A New ‘The Muppet Show’ Pilot

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