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Couples Therapist and coach Jason Polk explains how retaliation in relationships—making a partner feel bad because they made you feel bad—creates a negative pattern that keeps couples disconnected. 

He argues retaliation doesn’t build closeness, protect from hurt, or effectively teach, and can instead foster resentment, fear, and lead to controlling dynamics such as an “authoritarian dictator” stance met by a passive, submissive, or resistant rebel stance, increasing stress and disconnection. 

Polk notes retaliation may be learned in childhood from retaliating parents and urges listeners to recognize it as a reflex and respond as a mature, wise adult. 

He recommends working with the anger that protects hurt feelings and communicating calmly from a centered place, naming the hurt and making a clear request (e.g., asking the behavior not to happen again) to promote openness and connection.

00:00 Retaliation Defined
00:46 Why It Disconnects
01:51 Control And Stances
03:32 Where It Comes From
04:17 Wise Adult Response
04:54 How To Say It
05:47 Closing Encouragement

Jason offers marriage counseling and couples intensives in Denver, CO. Click the link to his couples therapy practice.