Synopsis:

“My conclusion is that at the end of the day, what matters is the strategies that couples use to navigate the stress. And this is sort of then what mediates between the stressors and the couple's satisfaction.”

In this episode, Julia Paulsson Jandl and I talk about the findings of her research in the aid and development sector: the challenges couples face and the strategies that they use. She is a seasoned humanitarian and development specialist, a relationship counselor and coach. She has just finished her Masters Thesis on couple satisfaction in that sector.. Interestingly, 12% of participants were in split location situations and 24% alternated so we delved into this aspect too. Her insights are useful not just for aid-sector families, but for anyone navigating high-mobility or long-distance relationship challenges.

Key Takeaways: 

Julia Paulsson’s research emphasises that while the pressures of aid work and split location create unique challenges, satisfaction and relational resilience are possible through intentionality, open communication, creative rituals, and mutual respect for each partner’s individuality. The common thread is not the absence of challenge, but the presence of agreed-upon strategies to keep the relationship - and both individuals - healthy.

1. Specific Strategies from the Study: Making Relationships Work

Julia’s research didn’t just dwell on the challenges; it also lifted out practical, evidence-backed strategies that resilient couples use, which can be helpful whether you’re living in the same place or miles apart:

A. Commitment as Active Practice

• Couples emphasized “commitment as an anchor”—it’s not passive but an ongoing, active choice (“minute by minute decision”) to show up, protect your partner’s interests, and maintain fairness and respect.

B. Prioritizing Both Individuality and the Couple

• Resilient couples pursue both individual and shared goals. Making intentional space for each partner’s dreams, interests, and career ambitions—even if not realized at the same time—was key to long-term satisfaction and avoiding resentment.

C. Intentional Boundaries and “Rules”

• Many couples developed rules and agreements to manage the intersection between demanding aid work and personal life. Examples included:
• Agreed limits on time apart (for split location couples: “maximum amount of time we are willing to be apart”)
• Family guidelines about what types of duty stations or posts were acceptable (“veto rules”)
• Minimum standards for things like schooling or healthcare access for the accompanying family
• Rituals to prioritize couple time-such as trying to be home for dinner or bedtime when possible, even if exceptions arise

D. Communication and Difficult Conversations

• Successful couples had learned how to tackle difficult discussions directly—about moves, career priorities, and unmet needs—while being open to influence and willing to negotiate.

E. Drawing From the Gottman “Six Magic Hours” Approach

Julia shared research-based recommendations rooted in the Gottman method:

• Partings and Reunions: Mindful transitions whether in daily routines or returning after periods apart—using messages, video notes, or rituals to connect even when physically distant.
• Appreciation and Admiration: Actively express positive observations, using messages or journals, to counterbalance negativity bias.
• Affection: This can be a challenge at a distance, but couples find creative ways (sharing clothing, sending heartbeats using smartwatches, or even virtual hugs).
• Date Nights: Don’t have to be dinner out—could be a virtual movie, shared meal via video, or just a dedicated walk-and-talk.
• State of the Union Check-Ins: Regular reviews—not just to surface grievances but to celebrate successes and keep in tune with each other even in asynchronous time zones.
• Repair Attempts: Learning the art of reconciliation after disagreements, and recognizing that “every couple under the sun fights”—the difference is how you reconnect.

F. Flexibility and Seasonality

• Couples acknowledged there will be seasons where one partner’s career might take precedence, but this should rotate and never be permanently lopsided.

2. Split Location Relationships in the Aid Sector

Julia Paulsson’s research looked deeply at couples, including those navigating split location arrangements, within the humanitarian and development sector. About 36% of her respondents lived in split locations either permanently or alternated between periods together and apart. The findings were illuminating in several ways:

A. Relationship Satisfaction

• Contrary to common assumptions, her study found that couples living apart in split locations had comparable levels of relationship satisfaction to those who always lived together. Julia emphasized that “being in different locations in itself does not predict relationship satisfaction.” The structure of the relationship (together or apart) isn’t as significant as how the couple actually manages the distance and accompanying stressors.

B. Terminology

• Participants described “split location” in various ways—using terms like “long distance,” “different locations,” or simply “alternating living arrangements.”

C. Unique Stressors

• In split setups, the lines between work and personal life can become even more blurred. Without a partner physically present to encourage boundaries (“hey, log off your emails”), aid workers reported it was easy for professional demands to consume all aspects of life.

D. Physical Affection While Apart

• This area is particularly challenging; couples find substitute strategies (e.g., sending personal items, digital touchpoints, or creative technology use), but nothing fully replaces physical closeness.

E. Impact on Both Partners

• Whether the non-aid-working spouse accompanied their partner or stayed behind, both scenarios could intensify challenges around identity, financial dependence, stalled careers, and emotional strain. Julia points out, “your life is being colonized by your partner's job” resonated strongly with many.

F. Gender Dynamics

• Women who were the primary traveler or aid worker faced additional scrutiny, stigma, and challenges around balancing caregiving, with research noting lower rates of marriage and children among female aid workers.

Articles and Resources mentioned in this episode 

• Gottman’s magic hours 
• Download free pdf
• Loneliness like smoking 15 cigarettes a day Dr Julianne Holt-Lunstad
• Are women paying a higher price for a UN career? Henrik Ryden
• HTFA Episode #72 

Visit Julia’s website - www.juliapaulsson.com

Contact Rhoda: [email protected]

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Buy the book: Holding the Fort Abroad

Your partner's job opportunity in another country seemed like an exciting idea, but lengthy work assignments mean you're holding down the family fort - alone.

OR Your partner is working and living in another country, and you feel like you are shouldering all the home responsibilities alone.

You may be wondering:

• How can we be a family when we're miles apart?
• Can I cope, alone, when troubles arise?

I believe there are answers to the above questions, and the answers start with you. In this context, it's more important than ever to invest in yourself, to care for yourself, to set your own goals and to watch yourself grow. Equally important is to nurture your relationship with your partner and learn to parent together.