Holding the Fort Abroad

How to keep emotional connection when far apart, how to repair a disagreement when distance or duty interrupts and how to build shared life when not living under the same roof. Al and Autumn Ray share their story and what they learned along the way. Al served 27 years in the U.S. Air Force which meant many seasons apart due to deployments. He completed his career as Professor of Aerospace Studies at the University of Portland. Military life strengthened his ability to process information efficiently and move quickly toward a solution. At home, however, efficiency could bring a conversation to its logistical conclusion before Autumn felt emotionally understood. Al and Autumn believe that couples learn to be together and they have developed a book series for couples that you can find under rickandjane.com

Al and Autumn believe every marriage begins with two people carrying their own “playbooks”—the expectations and habits learned from their families. Lasting connection comes from learning to create new agreements unique to your team. “Nobody knows how to do it—you have to be willing to learn and have an open mind,” says Autumn 07:06.

It’s not just about talking more—it's about talking better. The Rays emphasize practicing specific communication skills, like active listening and setting aside regular times to connect, even if you’re on opposite sides of the world. Coaching and practical tools can help couples break negative cycles and actually enjoy “do-overs” when communication stumbles 13:00.

Their book, Rick and Jane Learn to Cultivate Intimacy, covers eight kinds of intimacy—including emotional and physical—but not just sex. Something as simple as planning a home project together can build closeness across distance 22:49. Understanding your partner’s needs—and your own—is foundational.

Going from deployments to working side-by-side took as much adjustment as learning to survive apart! The Rays now see those transitions as "a third marriage to the same person," each requiring new skills and accommodations 46:02.

Al and Autumn assure listeners that lasting, happy marriages through separation are possible. Don’t let distance define your story: “There’s always a solution to whatever problem you have. Reach out—don’t go through life alone or in despair,” urges Autumn 51:16.

Check out their book series at rickandjane.com for practical, faith-based (but universally useful!) resources on teamwork, communication, resolving conflict, and more.

Contact Rhoda: [email protected]

Receive news regularly on new episodes of HTFA Podcast and on new events and resources. Subscribe to my newsletter.

Buy the book: Holding the Fort Abroad

Your partner's job opportunity in another country seemed like an exciting idea, but lengthy work assignments mean you're holding down the family fort - alone.

OR Your partner is working and living in another country, and you feel like you are shouldering all the home responsibilities alone.

You may be wondering:

• How can we be a family when we're miles apart?
• Can I cope, alone, when troubles arise?

I believe there are answers to the above questions, and the answers start with you. In this context, it's more important than ever to invest in yourself, to care for yourself, to set your own goals and to watch yourself grow. Equally important is to nurture your relationship with your partner and learn to parent together.

What happens for children when a parent regularly leaves home for work? Could parental absence create experiences that a child experiences as traumatic—and, if so, what can parents do to protect their children and build resilience?

Perhaps you are worried about leaving your toddler for an extended period of time. Maybe they cry when you leave, seem distraught, or struggle when you are away. Or perhaps, as an adult, you are beginning to wonder whether the absence of a parent during your own childhood has had an impact on you.

In this episode, we explore these questions with Barb Varcl-Smith, a trauma recovery educator, speaker, therapist, and creator of the Ascendance Method. Barb helps people understand the hidden survival patterns that shape our thoughts, behaviours, relationships, and identity—empowering them to move from survival into more authentic living.

In this episode, Barb explains:

• The potential trauma that can happen with parental absence
• What a parent can do
• How to build a resilient family life
• If you are an adult, how to recover from any trauma that may have occurred

Contact Barb Varcl-Smith on her website: https://www.your-steps.co.uk/

Barb is also the host of the podcast Way Out of Childhood Trauma and the author of the upcoming book Purposeful Parenting: Applying the Ascendance Method to Family Life.

Contact Rhoda: [email protected]

Receive news regularly on new episodes of HTFA Podcast and on new events and resources. Subscribe to my newsletter.

Buy the book: Holding the Fort Abroad

Your partner's job opportunity in another country seemed like an exciting idea, but lengthy work assignments mean you're holding down the family fort - alone.

OR Your partner is working and living in another country, and you feel like you are shouldering all the home responsibilities alone.

You may be wondering:

• How can we be a family when we're miles apart?
• Can I cope, alone, when troubles arise?

I believe there are answers to the above questions, and the answers start with you. In this context, it's more important than ever to invest in yourself, to care for yourself, to set your own goals and to watch yourself grow. Equally important is to nurture your relationship with your partner and learn to parent together.

How do cross cultural couples navigate time apart? How does growing up with different family and society expectations impact a couple’s relationship? As Pesa and Whitney Shayo share their cross cultural marriage story and how they learned to understand each other, much of what they share can be extremely valuable for couples who spend time apart.

1. Learn emotional connection

This is one of the biggest takeaways of our conversation. Pesa shares that he grew up in an environment that did not emphasise emotional connection. As he was working multiple jobs to provide for his family, he thought he was being a great husband and provider. His wife, meanwhile, needed emotional closeness and it led to her suggesting separation.

“It hit me, and that's when I really paused and I started listening because I was able to understand that as much as I'm working and doing the right thing, I'm about to lose my family. And I was able to start listening. And that's when I started this journey of being able to understand that there's another version of life, which is you need to also be there emotionally.”

1. “What you think is right might not be what somebody else thinks is right even if you have the best of intentions.”

Also a very important point that Pesa and Whitney highlight. This needs to be the starting point of every interaction and a mindset: what I think is right and what my spouse/partner thinks is right may not be the same

1. If you are in an argument, do something to ‘take it down a notch’

“For the husband listening to this, one of the hings that has really helped me when it comes to repair is being more agreeable. If you feel like you are being attacked, sometimes you can say ‘I see your point, I really see your point, so I'll start working on that right now’. This avoids the back and forth and the escalation of the argument

1. Seek a United Front

Whether answering a demand from the in-laes, or taking a parenting decision, “we always look at it from the lens of united front. When we talk about united front, we basically mean that we are not saying we are not arguing, or we are not saying that we don't disagree. We are saying that we will have that private time to have this conversation first.”

The United Front Audit focuses on five areas. It reveals where your marriage unity is strong, where it is cracking and what to do next based on your situation.

• Loyalty alignment
• Shared Game Plan
• Boundary Strength
• Conflict Patterns
• United Front

The Shayos are authors, speakers, and co-founders of Live Your Best Marriage. Drawing from over 22 years of cross-cultural marriage, they provide faith-rooted resources and a "United Front Blueprint" to help couples navigate cultural differences, in-law pressure, and communication hurdles.

Explore the United Front Audit and download tools for couples at Live Your Best Marriage (liveyourbestmarriage.com).

Contact Rhoda: [email protected]

Receive news regularly on new episodes of HTFA Podcast and on new events and resources. Subscribe to my newsletter.

Buy the book: Holding the Fort Abroad

Your partner's job opportunity in another country seemed like an exciting idea, but lengthy work assignments mean you're holding down the family fort - alone.

OR Your partner is working and living in another country, and you feel like you are shouldering all the home responsibilities alone.

You may be wondering:

• How can we be a family when we're miles apart?
• Can I cope, alone, when troubles arise?

I believe there are answers to the above questions, and the answers start with you. In this context, it's more important than ever to invest in yourself, to care for yourself, to set your own goals and to watch yourself grow. Equally important is to nurture your relationship with your partner and learn to parent together.

This episode brings three observations that are really three future directions for this podcast and my work: 1. Frameworks Are Relevant Across Contexts 2. The Travelling Parent and Home-Based Parent Experience Time Apart Differently 3. The Role of Organisational Support.

For those who listen regularly, please note that for the next 6 months, I will be posting 1x/month until December 2026 instead of 2x/month.

Three Observations/Future Directions

1. [02:32] Details change, Adapt to Context but Frameworks Remain

• Details change:
• expectations for example of the role of the father so this may change expected involvement when he travels
• International Business Travellers may have slightly more control over schedule than rotation workers
• A parent may be home 1x year vs a parent who comes back every weekend
• Episode 62: The 5 Pillar Framework: Individual, Couple, Parenting, Transition, Risk Factor (emergencies & dangerous locations) I go through how you can use the Five Pillar framework if you are deciding on a split family assignment/non family duty station or if you are already frequently travelling for work.
• Blog The One Family Framework -A 3-Step Strategy Guide for Parents Living Apart - Rhoda Bangerter
• Read why I am not choosing to be sector-specific (FIFO, Aviation, Humanitarian, Foreign Service, Military, Business Travel):Parents Who Work Away - Rhoda Bangerter

2. [09:30] Different Angles to Time Apart

Time apart is never experienced in exactly the same way by everyone in the family. The travelling parent, the home-based parent, and each child occupy different positions within the family system, shaping what they notice, carry, and need. A travelling mum may experience more social stigma about leaving her children, a travelling father may feel increasing disconnection.

Focus for future episodes:

• home based mum (incl personal wellness, development, experience of transition, emergencies or dangerous locations)
• home based dad (incl personal wellness, development, experience of transition emergencies or dangerous locations)
• travelling dad (incl personal wellness, development, experience of transition, emergencies or dangerous locations)
• travelling mum (incl personal wellness, development, experience of transition, emergencies or dangerous locations)
• Children (young children, teens)
• Couple relationships

3. [13:54] Organisational Support

• The role of HR: is there reluctance of verbalising challenges - Maybe an organisation doesn’t want the families to want too much. Questions of where duty of care starts and where private sphere begins.
• Strategic HR Prof Benjamin Bader Professor of International HRM and co-founder of MasteringGM® asks the question:Do organisations want strategic HR?

“Challenge can feel uncomfortable yet challenge is often where strategic value emerges”

“Mobility sits at the crossroads of talent, cost, risk, compliance, employee experience and business growth”

• These unaccompanied postings, Short Term Assignments, International Business Trips are where risk lies, where unnecessary costs lie, where employee experience and talent lies.
• Studies have shown that conflict between work and family is negatively correlated to job satisfaction (Dorio et al., 2008) and can have detrimental effects on health (Greenhaus et al., 2006), specifically on stress and burnout. (Allen et al., 2000). Guttormsen (Guttormsen, 2018) points out the importance for sending organisations to know more about these assignments and their constraints in order to avoid mismanagement or difficulties in “sourcing talent”.
• Do organisations track recruitment for these non family postings?
• Is the organisation willing to look into these postings and staff demands and to test if intervention makes a positive difference? Are you tracking wellbeing? Do you really want to know about illness and FBT? Loneliness and non-family posting? More Work-Family Conflict? Or More Enrichment?
• Do you want to track retention?
• There are ways to support your employees that are not costly eg intranet (document for foreign services)
• Perceived Organisational Support Increases Employee Commitment

Perceived Organizational Support (POS) is the extent to which employees believe their employer values their contributions and genuinely cares about their well-being. Perceived Organisational Support (POS) Theory shows the positive correlation between how the employee sees their employer as supportive of their well-being and their level of commitment to said organisation (Eisenberger et al., 1990; Eisenberger et al., 1986). Organisational support is also vital as demonstrated by Mutter on the stay behind family. (Mutter & Thorn, 2021)

Level of staff commitment was first measured via the Organisational Commitment Questionnaire (OCQ) (Mowday et al., 1979). Commitment is measured according to these three factors: “willingness to exert effort”, “desire to maintain membership in the organization”, and “acceptance of organizational values” which cover both staff behaviour and attitudes towards the organisation. Perceived Organisational Support is measured by the Survey of Perceived Organisational Support (SPOS) and measures how much the employee perceives the organisation would support them.

Real and Perceived Organisational Support (POS) towards the staff member and their family can be mutually beneficial. As the staff member perceives and experiences voluntary support from their employer, their commitment to that organisation is likely to increase. Absenteeism and turnover costs will likely decrease. (Eisenberger et al., 1986; Rhoades & Eisenberger, 2002)

Organisations may have financial compensation, hardship allowances or additional home trips in place. Beyond that, not many organisations have a coherent and explicit support policy. Staff are left to their own devices even as the job spills over into their family time and space and vice-versa.

Perceived Organisation Support makes a difference to employee recruitment, commitment, and retention. (Eisenberger et al., 1990; Ghosh & Ray, 2023; Nandasena & Rebecca, 2023). Even more so if perceived to be non-coerced but at the discretion of the company (Eisenberger et al., 2020)

Are your staff afraid of admitting to family challenges for fear of losing or putting their position in jeopardy? Importance to develop trust in support mechanisms.

Prof Kate Hutchings “Sophisticated technologies allow people to be able to connect even when they're in remote locations. But I don't think this should mean that organizations give up all responsibility for supporting people in a split family expatriate situation”

Do you know how many non family postings you have in your organisation? Who tracks travel? And has your organisation mapped absences and travel days? Do your staff do back to back travel?

Contact Rhoda: [email protected]

Receive news regularly on new episodes of HTFA Podcast and on new events and resources. Subscribe to my newsletter.

Buy the book: Holding the Fort Abroad

Your partner's job opportunity in another country seemed like an exciting idea, but lengthy work assignments mean you're holding down the family fort - alone.

OR Your partner is working and living in another country, and you feel like you are shouldering all the home responsibilities alone.

You may be wondering:

• How can we be a family when we're miles apart?
• Can I cope, alone, when troubles arise?

I believe there are answers to the above questions, and the answers start with you. In this context, it's more important than ever to invest in yourself, to care for yourself, to set your own goals and to watch yourself grow. Equally important is to nurture your relationship with your partner and learn to parent together.

Frequent Business Travel, International Business Travel often comes with the job, with higher responsibilities often comes need to travel, eg regional manager

Do you know a mom who travels for work? Are you a mom who travels for work?

Maximise the Benefits

• When mothers travel, families often become more adaptable: fathers take on more caregiving responsibilities, children develop greater independence, and mothers include breadwinning into motherhood as well as caregiving. Swenson (2016)
• Role modeling for children
• Time for self
• Allows for fostering of other attachment bonds with grandparents, father for example

Reflection question: What positive opportunities does my work travel create for me, my children, and our family? How can I recognise and intentionally strengthen the ways my travelling role contributes to our family’s growth, resilience, independence, and connection?

Adjust to Face the Challenges

• Many mothers continue carrying the family's mental load while travelling, making it difficult to fully switch into work mode. Help shape a new resource about travelling without carrying the whole household in your head. Give your input (2 min) https://forms.gle/5CsPLFmQHMZTx2846
• Mäkelä et al. (2015)studied more than 1,300 Finnish frequent business travellers and found that an increase in international business travel days was associated with higher levels of work–family conflict among parents. While women with dependent children generally reported lower work–family conflict than comparable men, their work–family conflict also increased as the number of travel days rose.

Reflection Question: How many travel days can you comfortably manage before you begin to notice increased work–family conflict? What adjustments could help you stay below that threshold?

• Many moms who travel for work will have supportive husbands AND extended families who live nearby like parents/in laws. Bear this in mind when abroad. YOu may need to outsource more help.
• Young children, attachment with newborns and toddlers. Worry about when to go back to travel after giving birth In#25 Being a Mother and a Frequent Traveller – with Karina Lagarrigue - Rhoda Bangerterbeginning at 30:43, Karina Lagarrigue and I discuss leaving children under 2 years old.
• Criticisms from family or friends

If criticism comes from family members

"Can you tell me what concerns you most?"

This can reveal whether they're worried about the children, safety, or simply expressing traditional beliefs. It opens a conversation instead of an argument.

You can acknowledge the challenge without agreeing that travel is harmful.

When you don't want to justify yourself

"I appreciate your concern, but we're comfortable with the choices we've made as a family."

Favourite Tips From Other Moms

• One tip for young children

Lidia Lae Explaining even to an eight month old

#58 How to create your family story even miles apart– with Lidia Lae - Rhoda Bangerter Listen to the story Lidia Lae tells of explaining to her eight month old that she will be travelling for three weeks. The story begins at 21:29. Just before the story, she explains her daughter is now her 10 year old who says how much ‘she loves to be part of this family’.

• One ‘be careful’ tip for older children: beware of parentification. Check in with your children if, white you are away, they feel they need to take on responsibility that is not theirs to take.
• One communication favourite:

Elizabeth Verwey shares her story of travelling for work. She shares a time when she went into her grown up son’s room and finds all the sticky notes she has ever left him, stuck to the back of his bedroom door. #26 When a Mother Travels For Work – with Elizabeth Verwey - Rhoda Bangerter

Reflection question: What small, consistent practices help me stay connected with my children and partner while I am away, and what changes could I make to ensure my travel strengthens rather than strains our family relationships?

If you want to listen to two mothers discussing travel, this episode is an honest conversation. One mother has a toddler and the other two children under 10. They both have supportive husbands and parents/in-laws nearby.

In conclusion, get that support network, get aligned with your choices.

‘As long as we are confident with the choices we have made and we are settled in what we want to do with our life. And we feel good because there is a lot of research that says that if you are at your best, if you are feeling well, if you have no doubts, if when you are present you're fully present, if when you are at work you're feeling okay, you are not burning out, you are enjoying life, this is the best example you can ever give to your children’ #25 Being a Mother and a Frequent Traveller – with Karina Lagarrigue - Rhoda Bangerter

Reflection question: Have I fully accepted that being a mum who travels for work is part of my story? Do I feel aligned with both my career ambitions and my role as a mother, or am I still carrying guilt, conflict, or pressure to choose one over the other?

What would greater alignment look like for me and my family?

“Greater alignment would mean feeling confident that my children know they are loved and prioritised, even when I travel. It would mean having clear routines for staying connected, making sure my partner and I are working as a team, and allowing myself to value my career without feeling guilty.”

Or:

“Greater alignment would mean that my work travel fits into our family life rather than constantly disrupting it. It would mean being intentional about the time we have together, creating rituals for when I leave and return, and recognising the positive example I am setting for my children.”

Every travelling mother has a different reality. The best way to support a mother who travels for work is to ask

• “What part of your travel schedule feels hardest right now?”
• “What would make the time you travel easier?”
• “What do you find yourself carrying that others don’t see?”
• “How can I help you stay connected with your family while you’re away?”

Ultimately, the greatest gift is helping her feel that she does not have to choose between being a committed mother and a committed professional — she can be supported in being both.

Help Shape a New Resource for Travelling Parents

I'm considering creating a free guide for mothers who travel for work about letting go of the mental load at home and travelling without carrying the whole household in your head.

I'd love your input: [Take the 1-minute survey]

https://forms.gle/5CsPLFmQHMZTx2846

Dads at home ‘holding the fort’:

#33 Primary Care Giver: A Dad Speaks Out – with Patrick Kadian - Rhoda Bangerter

#4: Life as Holding the Fort Dad – with Robert H - Rhoda Bangerter

Frequent Business Travel, International Business Travel often comes with the job, with higher responsibilities often comes need to travel, eg regional manager

You may be leaving home for 3 weeks here or there, or 3 weeks a year. 90+/ year or 200+/year

If you are a frequent business traveller or have been one and have a story to tell, please contact me at [email protected]. We can talk on or off the record.

1.Benefits of Frequent Business Travel

For traveller

• career satisfaction
• career development and advancement
• ‘change, novelty and pleasure’
• Creating global networks and benefits for the company in terms of knowledge transfer

For family

• More intentional times together,
• Time to do pursue own projects

Reflection: What do you find as FBT benefits for you and for your family?

2. Challenges

• Couple challenges and marital strain
• Parenting; guilt, loss of connection, role strain UN Dad story
• ICAN model: BlogDistance Parenting: How the ICAN Model Helps Families Stay Connected When One Parent Travels - Rhoda Bangerter
• Watch Being Gordon Ramsay | Netflix Official Site
• He makes a point of being an involved dad when he is home. You see him playing with his younger children, doing the school run and ringing in from a rooftop for a wedding planning conversation with their eldest.
• One of his adult daughters says "I know I can text him, call him any time"
• It's hard to leave. As he prepares to go for 6 weeks, he acknowledges how much he is going to miss his family. "Being away from home is tough"
• At one point his child says 'I'm going to miss you' and he replies 'me too'. It's a beautiful way of validating a child's feelings
• They always involved their kids in what he was doing "instead of it being a totally separate life".

Reflection: A great question to ask ourselves is :'Are there ways we can involve our kids in our work?'

• Your body

Reflection: Have you thought about what frequent work travel is doing to your body?

For #InternationalBusinessTravellers (IBTs), #FrequentBusinessTravellers (FBTs), #RotationalWorkers, #Flexpatriates, and anyone whose work regularly crosses borders, #travel is part of daily life.

But it also creates a unique set of demands:

disrupted sleep and circadian rhythms

repeated time-zone changes

long periods sitting

irregular meals and routines

increased stress and reduced recovery time

exposure to unfamiliar environments

higher cumulative exposure to cosmic radiation at altitude

This isn't to scare anyone. It is to highlight the need to take a closer look at what impact frequent travel might have, keep track of its effects in order to put things in place that will mitigate them.

Many of my blogs, resources and podcast episodes are from the home-based parent's point of view, but as I am preparing an episode from the traveller's point of view, I have also come across https://superpower.com They offer a yearly membership for 100+ biomarkers for prevention. A combination of AI and a team of doctors interpret markers such as;

inflammation and recovery

metabolic health

cardiovascular risk

nutrient levels

energy and resilience

All markers that can be affected by frequent travel.

For those of us who support #globallymobileprofessionals and families, perhaps we need to expand the conversation about mobility. It is not only about relocation support, cultural adaptation, and resilience. It is also about sustaining the person who is doing the travelling because a successful global career should not come at the expense of long-term health.

3. You have more agency than you think

You may have more agency than you realise in shaping how travel impacts you and your family.

• avoiding back-to-back trips where possible
• travelling on a Monday rather than Sunday
• protecting transition days
• resisting the temptation to overload calendars before and after travel.

While organisational demands may limit flexibility, proactively managing the parts within your control can help create a more sustainable rhythm between work, travel, and life at home.

Reflection; How much leeway do you have? How much of the calendar is put in by you?

What can you do that would help?

Contact Rhoda: [email protected]

Receive news regularly on new episodes of HTFA Podcast and on new events and resources. Subscribe to my newsletter.

Buy the book: Holding the Fort Abroad

Your partner's job opportunity in another country seemed like an exciting idea, but lengthy work assignments mean you're holding down the family fort - alone.

OR Your partner is working and living in another country, and you feel like you are shouldering all the home responsibilities alone.

You may be wondering:

• How can we be a family when we're miles apart?
• Can I cope, alone, when troubles arise?

I believe there are answers to the above questions, and the answers start with you. In this context, it's more important than ever to invest in yourself, to care for yourself, to set your own goals and to watch yourself grow. Equally important is to nurture your relationship with your partner and learn to parent together.

Sue Schoormans, author of "Sink Then Swim" - shares practical insights and heartfelt stories about her search for work after relocating abroad, what led to her and her husband’s decision to do a long-distance relationship and some surprising results of that decision. This episode is packed with insights from her lived experience.

Career Realities Abroad:

Discover practical insights for expats facing slow job markets, the importance of language and local qualifications, and what it’s really like to “start over” in a new professional landscape—even after years of high-level experience

Sink, Then Swim:

introduces her book, outlining a framework for managing life’s most stressful challenges abroad—from bereavement to finding work—emphasizing the balance between adapting to a new culture and staying true to your authentic self

Resilience & Change:

Self-knowledge is the ultimate anchor through relocation, long distance, and life’s transitions. Long distance isn’t just a single choice but an evolving experience

Connect with Sue Schoormans

Sue Schoormans - YouTube

Contact Rhoda: [email protected]

Receive news regularly on new episodes of HTFA Podcast and on new events and resources. Subscribe to my newsletter.

Buy the book: Holding the Fort Abroad

Your partner's job opportunity in another country seemed like an exciting idea, but lengthy work assignments mean you're holding down the family fort - alone.

OR Your partner is working and living in another country, and you feel like you are shouldering all the home responsibilities alone.

You may be wondering:

• How can we be a family when we're miles apart?
• Can I cope, alone, when troubles arise?

I believe there are answers to the above questions, and the answers start with you. In this context, it's more important than ever to invest in yourself, to care for yourself, to set your own goals and to watch yourself grow. Equally important is to nurture your relationship with your partner and learn to parent together.

Illness, grief, ageing parents, dangerous situations and mental health struggles are part of life and will eventually touch most couples — including those living apart because of work. In some professions, such as humanitarian work, foreign service, military or high-travel careers, these pressures are not exceptional but part and parcel of the lifestyle itself. This episode explores some of the deeper, often overlooked realities faced by couples trying to remain connected and resilient through seasons of crisis and separation.

Other situations can arise in travel: riots or security issues in-country of travel, that ‘makes the news’, visa issues and night in jail, travel to where insurance will not cover, travel outside of zone of communication.

8 lessons from Chapter 4 ‘When Storms Come’ of the book Holding the Fort Abroad

Build a “Crisis Agreement” Before You Need One

Don’t wait until someone is sick, stranded or grieving to decide how you will function as a couple. Discuss practical questions in advance:

• What would trigger an evacuation?
• When does work stop being the priority?
• Who flies where in an emergency?
• What happens if one partner cannot travel home quickly?

Couples often assume they are on the same page until a crisis exposes very different expectations.

The Travelling Partner Is Still Part of Caregiving

Distance does not remove responsibility.

Holding the Fort Abroad, Chapter 4, p101-102

Even when one partner is abroad, they can still:

• monitor ageing parents through regular calls
• notice emotional or cognitive decline
• coordinate care remotely
• emotionally support the caregiving partner
• help carry the mental load

Care is not only practical. Emotional presence matters too.

If you are living something difficult while apart at the moment, how can the travelling partner be involved, even at a distance?

The “Holding the Fort” Partner Needs a Team, Not Hero Status

One of the hidden dangers of expat and travel-heavy life is becoming overly self-reliant.

In crisis, the strongest couples are usually the ones who already built:

• neighbour relationships
• school connections
• church/community ties
• emergency childcare options
• trusted medical contacts
• Paid help: parenting coaches, financial adviser, associations that offer help for free, home organiser, home help, administrative assistant

Isolation turns manageable crises into overwhelming ones.

Who is in your team? What support would be helpful other than home help or babysitting/childminding?

Re-Entry After Crisis Matters

When a travelling partner finally comes home after illness, grief or emergency, couples often assume relief will instantly follow. Instead, re-entry can be surprisingly tense.

The partner at home may have developed survival routines and emotional armour. The returning partner may arrive exhausted and unsure how to step back in.

Couples need to consciously make space for reintegration instead of assuming it happens naturally.

Trauma Travels Home Quietly

Dangerous jobs do not only affect the person travelling. Trauma often enters the home silently through:

• withdrawal
• irritability
• emotional numbness
• hypervigilance
• difficulty reconnecting

Many globally mobile families normalise this because “the mission matters.” But unprocessed trauma eventually affects the marriage and children too.

Holding the Fort Abroad, Chapter 4, p106-107

Long-Distance Families Need Different Definitions of Strength

Strength is not always:

• coping alone
• never crying
• handling everything perfectly
• pushing through exhaustion

Sometimes strength is:

• calling a helpline at 3am
• admitting you are overwhelmed
• postponing big relationship decisions during crisis
• asking someone to pick up your children
• seeking outside help before things collapse

Watch for “Compressed Pressure”

In globally mobile life, crises rarely arrive one at a time.

You may simultaneously be:

• solo parenting
• caring for ageing parents
• dealing with medical systems
• grieving
• navigating international logistics
• managing work travel
• supporting children emotionally

The problem is not always one dramatic event. It is cumulative pressure with no recovery time in between.

Don’t Make Permanent Decisions Inside Temporary Storms

One of the wisest insights in the chapter is that extraordinary stress distorts perspective.

Couples often question:

• the marriage
• the expat life
• the travel arrangement
• themselves

during seasons where nobody is functioning normally.

Holding the Fort Abroad, Chapter 4, p99

In the next episode

Chapter 5 is on Parenting Together. (Chapter 5) The RC has a workshop about that too.

Contact Rhoda: [email protected]

Receive news regularly on new episodes of HTFA Podcast and on new events and resources. Subscribe to my newsletter.

Buy the book: Holding the Fort Abroad

Your partner's job opportunity in another country seemed like an exciting idea, but lengthy work assignments mean you're holding down the family fort - alone.

OR Your partner is working and living in another country, and you feel like you are shouldering all the home responsibilities alone.

You may be wondering:

• How can we be a family when we're miles apart?
• Can I cope, alone, when troubles arise?

I believe there are answers to the above questions, and the answers start with you. In this context, it's more important than ever to invest in yourself, to care for yourself, to set your own goals and to watch yourself grow. Equally important is to nurture your relationship with your partner and learn to parent together.

Long-Distance Relationships is a big topic and there is a lot of generic advice on social media. Here are 3 essentials for a successful time apart. I have lived various configurations of time apart from my husband over the last 20 years, as well as studying the topic and interviewing hundreds of families who live like us. These three strategies are what I consider the core basics needed for time apart to work. In this episode I also share excerpts from my book 'Holding the Fort Abroad' which was written from a home-based parent's perspective.

1. Create a Joint Life

Building a joint life means creating shared experiences, nurturing friendship, and remaining emotionally present even when living in different places. Couples who spend significant time apart can easily fall into separate routines, focused only on logistics, parenting, schedules, or survival. But strong long-distance couples protect emotional intimacy by continuing to share everyday life, not just major events. Small conversations, daily stories, photos, shared projects, future plans, and regular couple time help maintain connection and prevent emotional distance.

In a nutshell:

• Book Excerpt: Chapter 3 pp63-67
• Work on a Project together
• Make Plans
• Share daily trivia

2. More than logistics

In a long-distance relationship or frequent travel lifestyle, communication can easily become centred around schedules, parenting, finances, and problem-solving. While logistics matter, strong couples know that emotional connection requires much more than managing daily responsibilities.

In a nutshell:

• Book Excerpt: Chapter 3 pp73-77
• Share an activity
• Play!
• What do you talk about?
• What kind of couple are you?
• Write letters

3. Know yourself and know your partner

Strong long-distance relationships are built on more than love alone. Couples who spend significant time apart need to understand themselves, understand each other deeply, and continue updating that knowledge as life changes. It is important to know what matters most to you and to your partner. What are your core values? What helps each of you feel loved, respected, safe, and emotionally connected?

In a nutshell:

• Book Excerpt: Chapter 3 p77
• John Gottman ‘7 Principles for Making Marriage Work’
• Attachment Style: anxious or avoidant or disorganised? Watch this video to find out more:The Impact of Attachment Styles on Trust in Long Distance Relationships - YouTube
• Take the attachmentquiz
• Cross cultural communication

Resource Centre link

If you want to go deeper and find out more, you can find the following top tip sheets and workshops in my Resource Centre Apart But Together: Resources for Split Location Families

These resources are specifically designed for long-distance couples (LDR) & couples who spend time apart

• Playful and easy games
• Communication Course
• Maximise your phone calls
• Top Tips for Connecting Across Difficult Timezone Differences
• Repairs after conflict when geographically apart
• How humour can improve your relationship
• The Shared Life Audit
• Reflection questions - being a strong couple when living apart

Reflection prompts

Here are a few questions you can use as reflection prompts. If you want the full list of questions, you can download it here.

• What currently makes us feel like a team rather than two people managing separate lives?
• What is something new we could build together even while apart?
• When was the last time we had a conversation that was not about calendars, children, travel, finances, or problems to solve?
• Under stress, do I tend to pursue connection, withdraw, become controlling, over-function, or shut down?

Further resources

Books:

• Gregory Guldner, ‘Long DIstance Relationships: The Complete Guide’
• John Gottman ‘7 Principles for Making Marriage Work’

HTFA Podcast Episodes:

• #5Facing the Challenges of Expat Life Together– Vivian Chiona
• #16Relationship Caregiving– Dr Wiebke Anton
• #24Myths that threaten Split Location Marriages– Jennie Linton
• #37Love Knows No Borders: Connection and Intimacy in long-distance relationships– with Phillips Hwang
• #72Long-Distance Love: Handling Porn, Apps and Real Talk– withKarina Lagarrigue
• #81Improve your long distance relationships with attachment– with Bryan Power
• #86(Re) Build Intimacy in Long Distance Relationships– with Dr. Veronique Elefant-Yanni

Contact Rhoda: [email protected]

Receive news regularly on new episodes of HTFA Podcast and on new events and resources. Subscribe to my newsletter.

Buy the book: Holding the Fort Abroad

Your partner's job opportunity in another country seemed like an exciting idea, but lengthy work assignments mean you're holding down the family fort - alone.

OR Your partner is working and living in another country, and you feel like you are shouldering all the home responsibilities alone.

You may be wondering:

• How can we be a family when we're miles apart?
• Can I cope, alone, when troubles arise?

I believe there are answers to the above questions, and the answers start with you. In this context, it's more important than ever to invest in yourself, to care for yourself, to set your own goals and to watch yourself grow. Equally important is to nurture your relationship with your partner and learn to parent together.

I wrote this book during Covid when my husband was in Kabul and I was in Switzerland (his home country) with our boys. It is written from the home-based parent's perspective but can be very useful for the parent who is away as well, not only to understand what their partner may be going through but also for useful insights into parenting together, staying involved in family life and keeping a strong couple relationship.

Series description:

This is Part 2 of a podcast series for the partner managing life at home while their spouse/partner travels for work. Based on my Holding the Fort Abroad book.

If you are the one away or anyone supporting families where one parent works away, this episode is a must listen to understand what a holding the fort parent is going through.

If you are carrying the parenting load, emotional load, decision fatigue or feeling alone in your relationship, each episode shares a short reading from my book Holding the Fort Abroad, some behind the scenes, and practical ways to feel more supported and less alone.

Episode 2: The professional side of Frequent Business Travel and Unaccompanied Assignments for the Home Based Parent

What is going on?

1. Most WHTF (Working Holding the Fort) Parents make adaptations to their jobs, change their working status, outsource like crazy
2. Finding your Passion
3. Being your own Manager and making your own Personal Development Plan

Book Excerpt

Chapter 2 pp51-53, 55-56

Takeaway

Step 1: For parents who have stopped working, use the S.E.E.D.S. Framework if you don’t know what you would want to build. At the very least, it is important to do something that you enjoy doing. Plant S.E.E.D.S for your future - Rhoda Bangerter

Step 2: If you know where you are heading, Be your own manager and make a Personal Development Plan.

Remember to take the long view and not compare to the parent who has never moved, has a large extended family nearby who helps and does not have a spouse/partner who is away for work! We cannot compare our professional trajectories to theirs (I regularly have to remind myself too)

Step 3: For parents who are working outside the home as well as being the home based parent, make accommodations for this specific life situation. In the Copeland study of the impact of business travel on 68 partners, 22% had changed their working status due to their partner's travel.

Accommodations that can be done:

• the home-based parent works locally
• the home-based parent working part-time
• one or both negotiate flexible time
• a lot of outsourcing for help
• the travelling parent places limits by identifying where they can control their travel (e.g. 2 weeks instead of 3 weeks because more efficient, or traveling on Mondays as much as possible instead of Sundays)
• The travelling parent avoids back-to-back trips

Resource Centre link

If you want to go deeper and find out more, I have recorded a video with an accompanying worksheet on planting SEEDS. You can purchase it on my website. This framework is part of the full Resource Center (CHF 149). If you purchase the Resource Centre later, this amount is deducted.

Reflection prompts

For the parent who has stopped working and investing in themselves:

• What will happen if I do not invest in myself?
• Where will I be in five years if I just wait for growth to happen?
• How will I get where I want to go if I choose not to invest in myself?
• If I zoom out 10 years, what do I want to have built, beyond just “getting through”?

For the parent who is working outside the home and has a travelling partner:

• Am I trying to maintain a life structure that no longer fits my reality
• What support would I ask for if I believed this situation waslegitimately demanding?

In the next episode

In the next episode I will cover Chapter 3, how to become a stronger couple even when apart. How to create a joint life, how to fight and repair at a distance, what can disrupt a relationship when it is long-distance. Make the distance work for you both!

Further resources

Amel Derragui The Time is Now Marketing Strategist for Solopreneurs if you are starting or have your own business

van der Klis, M., & Karsten, L. (2009). The commuter family as a geographical adaptive strategy for the work–family balance. Community, Work & Family, 12(3), 339-354

Copeland, A. (2009a). Voices from home: the personal and family side of international short-term assignments.

Contact Rhoda: [email protected]

Receive news regularly on new episodes of HTFA Podcast and on new events and resources. Subscribe to my newsletter.

Buy the book: Holding the Fort Abroad

Your partner's job opportunity in another country seemed like an exciting idea, but lengthy work assignments mean you're holding down the family fort - alone.

OR Your partner is working and living in another country, and you feel like you are shouldering all the home responsibilities alone.

You may be wondering:

• How can we be a family when we're miles apart?
• Can I cope, alone, when troubles arise?

I believe there are answers to the above questions, and the answers start with you. In this context, it's more important than ever to invest in yourself, to care for yourself, to set your own goals and to watch yourself grow. Equally important is to nurture your relationship with your partner and learn to parent together.