In this episode, we continue the conversation "Enjoy the Journey" and discuss facing challenges, and the outcomes that come from those challenges.

You can hear more from Dr. Dweck here: https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=2ahUKEwipi-3RjLbzAhWYvp4KHaBkCEEQwqsBegQIBRAB&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DhiiEeMN7vbQ&usg=AOvVaw0ZqEGfXWawIoLla_rt0vmU

You can get a copy of Mindset: The New Psychology of Success by Dr. Carol Dweck here:
https://www.amazon.com/Mindset-Psychology-Carol-S-Dweck/dp/0345472322

Episode Transcript:

Hey everybody, I'm Menachem Iehrfield. Welcome to Zero Percent. In this episode, we continue our discussion about enjoying the journey, so make sure you listen to part one of this, which is the previous episode. I want to start our conversation today by exploring the Hebrew word, nissayon, which means an ordeal. The root of the word is nes, N-E-S, or [foreign language 00:00:34] in Hebrew, which means a miracle. When we find a Hebrew root of a word, that means that there must be a connection between the word and its root. What is the connection between a nissayon, an ordeal, and nes, a miracle?
When we're challenged with something, all right? When I look at a challenge, I'm looking at an obstacle, something that I didn't necessarily choose. When God challenges us, why does he challenge us? Why does he test us? I test a student because I want to know whether or not they know the information, whether they can pass. If God is all-knowing, then he knows whether or not we can pass the test, so why would he challenge us and give us a test? Either I can pass it or I can't. If I can't pass it, it would seem cruel, and if I could pass it, it would seem pointless.
There was a mother who was trying to encourage her young child to play the piano and she took him to see the great Paderewski. They get to the concert hall, and before the show starts she sees a friend she hadn't seen in quite some time. So she goes over and the two women begin talking. While they're talking, the lights go down and it's time for the show to start. So everyone goes back to their seats, and the woman looks down and her son has gone. She's panic-stricken. She has this pit in her stomach of fear. Where is her little boy? And that pit in her stomach, that fear, very, very quickly turns into embarrassment, because she sees her child and he is on the stage. She is mortified. I mean, she wants to dig a hole in the ground and jump right in. So the spotlight is on this boy as he walks right to the grand piano, and he sits down at the bench and he begins pounding on the keys.
Meanwhile, Paderewski walks out. Everyone is just sitting there in silence, trying to see what is this great pianist going to say. What is he going to do? He walks over to the boy, he puts his left hand to the left, his right hand to the right, and he whispers in the boy's ear. He says, "Don't stop playing." He begins to play all around the boy and the people there said they heard the most magical music that night. He transformed that boy's noise into music.
In life, we're that little boy sitting at the piano, and we bang at the keys and we make lots of noise. Ultimately, God takes that noise and he whispers in our ear, "Don't stop playing." What he does is he transforms that noise into magical music. That is the process of an ordeal. When somebody is truly being challenged, not something that's difficult, not something that's uncomfortable, because if we haven't figured this out at this point, life is not supposed to be comfortable and it's not supposed to be easy. That's not what we're talking about. I'm talking about a real challenge, a real ordeal, a nissayon. To really be a nissayon, means that at that moment you truly can not pass the test. And that's where the miracle lies.
And when you talk to somebody that's going through a real challenge, they'll tell you, especially when they're on the other end, they'll tell you, "At that time I do not know how I made it through, and if you would've asked me then, I would tell you, I can't make it through, I can't do it, I can't get through this, I literally can't." And the truth is you can't. But that is a nissayon, that is what it means to have a real ordeal. An ordeal is something that you need to try your hardest at that moment, and you jump and God takes you to the other side. He says, "You on your own could've done up until here. I'll take you the last five feet. I'll take you to the other side." The amazing thing, and the miraculous thing is not just that he helps you accomplish it and you get to the other side, but now this is something that you can do. Now this is something under your tool belt, and the next time you have a similar challenge, you can do it.
My point is that one of the reasons why it's so crucial to focus on the journey and to enjoy the process, is that the outcome is always out of our hands. Judaism teaches us that the outcome, literally, is always out of our hands. We can do everything we can. There's an expression, man plans, God laughs. You can make all the plans, and you should make all the plans, and you should have goals and they should be realistic goals that you set and you're trying to accomplish. But ultimately, the only thing you can do is put in the effort. You can almost never control the outcome of a situation. You can always control your response, you can always control your reaction, but you can't control the outcome.
There's an expression we use in my house where we say, "I'm doing the best I can with the tools that I have." My wife once said that when my kids were really young, and I don't remember what the situation was, but she looks at my two children. It was probably my then five-year-old and the four-year-old, and she says, "Come on kids, mommy's doing the best I can with the tools that I have." And Ozzie turns to his younger sister and says, "She doesn't have any tools." All we can do is the best we can with the tools that we have. And ultimately whether or not it succeeds is out of our control. [foreign language 00:06:11] said, "If someone tells you I tried and I did not find, don't believe him. I didn't try and I found, don't believe him. If he says I tried and I found, believe him." [foreign language 00:06:21] doesn't say that if someone says that I tried and I succeeded. What does he say? He says, "[foreign language 00:06:29], I toiled, I worked [foreign language 00:06:31] and I found."
When you find something, that's something that happens accidentally. It something that happens for you, it's a gift. It's not something that you work towards. You don't work to find something. You might work to look for something you lost. But when you find something, [inaudible 00:06:44] is something you find in the street that you weren't expecting that's owner less. You don't expect to find that. That's not something you work towards, it's something that just happened. So even when I work hard, the outcome is the [foreign language 00:06:56] telling us [foreign language 00:06:57], it's something I found. It's a gift, because that is ultimately outside of my control.
I have a friend of mine, Mendel Boxer, who has an expression that I absolutely love and I've begun trying to make this my mantra for life. He says, "Not my circus, not my monkeys. I would so love to help you with whatever it is that you're asking me for right now, but right now that is not something that I am able to be in control of. I'm so sorry. It's just out of my control." And being able to accept that that is not in my wheelbarrow right now is something that's so freeing.
That expression is generally used to mean that's just not in my department right now, or not in my department ever. But, if you think about it, the outcome is always out of our control. What if the same way, if someone came to you with some sort of project or problem that needed solving, but it's just not in an area of your expertise or not something that you can deal with right now. And, the same way in those instances, I can say, "You know what? I'm so sorry, but that really belongs in the accounting department. Can you please go speak with them?"
What if we were able to look at the outcome of every situation in that same way? I'm required to put in my effort, I'm required to do my utmost at every moment to try and bring this thing to fruition, but after that, I'm done. I'm like the boy sitting at the piano, I'm pounding on those keys, I'm putting in my effort, but I can say to the almighty, "Now it's up to you to transform that noise into music. Now it's up to you to take my effort, and whatever is meant to happen will happen." It's no longer in my control. Not my circus, not my monkeys.
This attitude can allow us to let go of so much stress, so much of that questioning of, "Well, what if, and what if, and have I done everything I can?" Yes. So now the worry doesn't accomplish anything. I can focus on the journey, I can focus on the process and the end product is out of my control.
We spoke last time about the beauty of the growth mindset and how somebody who's focused on the journey is able to try all kinds of things that they wouldn't try otherwise. And the reason is, that if I truly believe that the outcome is in my hand, it's in my control, if I am only outcome oriented then if I don't succeed in exactly the way I planned, exactly the way I wanted to, then the whole thing was a waste. When I begin to focus on the journey, when I acknowledge that the outcome is anyway completely out of my hands, so then all I can do is try. All I can do is put in the effort. And if I choose to see the journey as the most important part of this process, if I choose to enjoy the journey, if I choose to grow and learn from the journey, so then no matter