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So much of parenting is finding what works for you and your family, even if it means coloring outside the lines every now and then. Welcome to episode number 96 of The 3D Parent Podcast! Today, we're tackling a topic that might raise a few eyebrows: "Inconsistent Parenting.” We've all been told that consistency is the holy grail of effective discipline, right? But let's take a step back and really think about what consistency means in the context of parenting. We're not talking about your everyday routines like bedtime or mealtime (though those are important too!). No, we're diving deeper into those unpredictable moments where you've gotta think on your feet and make decisions that are best for your strong-willed child.

Here are the main topics we’ll cover in this episode:

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SHOWNOTES: 
In today's episode, we're flipping the script and taking a closer look at the concept of inconsistency in parenting. But don’t worry! We're not talking about throwing routines out the window. Those everyday rituals like bedtime, mealtime, and screen time– they're important for keeping the peace and giving our kids a sense of security. What we're talking about here are those moments when you find yourself making decisions based on your child's current needs.

While traditional parenting wisdom often emphasizes consistency as the holy grail of effective discipline, those of us with spirited  children know that it's not always that simple. Strong-willed children are characterized by their independence, determination, brightness, and spirited nature. They have a knack for pushing boundaries, questioning authority, and asserting their own opinions from a young age. While these traits can be challenging to navigate as parents, they also come with a host of positive attributes, such as resilience, creativity, and a strong sense of self. It's important to recognize that these children aren't being defiant or difficult on purpose – they're simply wired to march to the beat of their own drum.

What Requires Consistency?
At the heart of effective parenting lies embodying the role of a "nurturing alpha" – a 3D Parent concept that emphasizes the importance of both relational attunement and sturdy leadership. For parents of strong-willed children, fostering a secure attachment becomes even more crucial as it provides an essential foundation for navigating the complexities of their spirited nature.

Research has consistently shown that children who feel securely attached to their caregivers exhibit fewer oppositional behaviors. This alone underscores the importance of investing time and effort into nurturing the relationship with our strong-willed children. By providing a safe haven for our children to express themselves, we can significantly decrease instances of defiance and opposition.

In addition to nurturing the attachment with our children, it's equally important to embrace the alpha aspect of the nurturing alpha role. This means consistently showing up as the strong leader of our children – guiding, teaching, and leading our children rather than coercing or attempting to control them. 

One aspect of consistency that often gets overlooked is our ability to attune to the current needs of our child and making adjustments as needed. While some may view this as inconsistency, it's actually a vital part of responsive parenting. As Dr. Laura Markham aptly puts it, “Effective parenting is not about blindly following rules or routines but being responsive to the unique needs of each child.” This means being willing to reassess and pivot our parenting decisions based on new information or changing circumstances.

Common Parenting Tactics that Commonly Backfire With Strong-willed Children:

Challenges of Blind Consistency

Insisting on consistency in discipline solely for the sake of consistency can be particularly problematic for parents of strong-willed children. As already stated, these children thrive on independence and may push back against rules and regulations that feel arbitrary or stifling. Dr. Dan Siegel, a renowned psychiatrist, cautions against rigidity in parenting, stating, "Rigidity in parenting can undermine the parent-child relationship and impede the child's emotional development."

Even worse, persisting with discipline strategies that are clearly ineffective can increase tension and conflict within the parent-child relationship. Dr. Ross Greene, a clinical psychologist and author, emphasizes the importance of abandoning strategies that fail to align with a child's needs, stating, "The goal of discipline is not blind obedience but teaching problem-solving skills and fostering a healthy parent-child relationship."

Three Inconsistent Approaches in Parenting 

In addition to fostering secure attachment and flexibility, parents of strong-willed children can benefit from introducing elements of unpredictability to their parenting, such as novelty, playfulness, and disorientation to engage these children's spirited natures and foster a deeper connection. Here’s more on how to use these approaches:

1. Novelty:

Novelty can be an effective strategy for parenting because it invigorates the parent-child relationship, stimulates curiosity, and turns on a child’s instincts to orient to their parents. Moreover, incorporating novelty into parenting fosters a sense of spontaneity and joy, creating lasting memories and strengthening the bond between parent and child. 

2. Playfulness:

One of the best ways to "connect before direct," this approach emphasizes building a connection with your child before giving directions or making a transition. It could be as simple as turning a mundane task like putting on shoes into a silly game where you pretend to instruct your child to put their shoes on their ears instead of their feet. By infusing humor and play into everyday tasks, you not only make them more enjoyable for your child but also strengthen your bond in the process.

3. Disorientation:

Sometimes, throwing our kids off their game can be just the thing we need to break through their stubborn streak. By introducing elements of disorientation into our parenting approach, we can disrupt entrenched patterns of oppositional behavior and prompt our children to recalibrate their attention towards us.

So, the next time you find yourself repeatedly butting heads with your strong-willed child, take a step back and ask yourself: am I being too rigid? Am I sticking to rules just for the sake of consistency? Am I focusing on obedience rather than on connection? If so, perhaps some inconsistent approaches as mentioned in this episode will be worth a try to turn things around. 

Thank you for tuning in! If you learned a lot from this episode, please share it with a friend!

Episode Resources:
Dr. Ross Green Book: The Explosive Child