I've been having a different couple of days I use the word different instead of rough on purpose and I'm wondering if this change is an opportunity for me to talk about what I'm sensing and feeling using some of the language that I unfolded and created some of the different memes and different ways of viewing and interpreting experience so it's probably been about it's probably been about four or five days since I had some kind of energetic shift and it feels like I'm processing things differently that could be called distress or things breaking down I've noticed that I'd like to reframe and say that I'm processing different and since it's sort of a downshift and processing in a way it feels supposedly not as good or and the difference in processing is interesting I feel like I don't want to be alone feel like I want to be relational and I also feel very sensitive to noise so my my senses are quite heightened and so that adds to stress and if I'm already a little bit stressed out then it's quite additive and I think I've talked about the noise where i live in other videos but it's not super bad right now because evening and it's a weekend but I spent Tuesday and Wednesday just trying to avoid the noise i went to a quiet park then i went to a library when i got cold and the next day I had a meeting in a quiet building I just stayed in the quiet building until I had to leave and then I went to the library again and I was feeling really what would be called may be anxious but i guess it felt like energy being stirred up and and it was there for sure when I was at the building and then when I went to the library I saw somebody that I know when acquaintance from the clubhouse and we ended up chatting for probably about an hour and at first I was talking about how I wasn't doing as good as well or something and and then we were just talking about whatever and then after I left after that our I had to go and share my story for my job and that energy had completely dissipated and I was thinking to myself it's like Oh a one-hour dose of that person makes that go away because I haven't yet taken any PR ends or anything like that I would if it gets to the point where i'm feeling really fearful but if it's just uncomfortable then then I just stay with it and wait for it to pass so one hour dose that person made that feeling go away and then I drove and share my story for an hour and i think it was sort of the best i had ever done at sharing my story and it was a small group of like six or seven people but I was like really energetic and enthusiastic and I shared my story very well I can't really remember what I said but I just thought that oh that one that went well and it was sort of surprising in a way because of how I was feeling just an hour before and to me that relates to the relational thing wanting to be relational and and also an hour with that person before was relational so on one hand I need quiet from noise it doesn't have acquired from people talking or being near people it's like almost the wrong type of sound being alone hearing traffic noise all the time versus being with people and hearing people noise it's like the opposite and so and two days earlier on along the Tuesday because the thursday i shared my story i had shared my story on the tuesday and i felt like i wasn't feeling uncomfortable or like i did a bad job or anything but I just felt like oh that was I didn't feel that energy from that exchange between me and the group I guess maybe I didn't make that connection somehow and it just was like not as good in comparison to how I did on the Thursday even though I can't really remember what I shared at each of them and interestingly enough a woman at the Thursday group shared that her loved one is connected with altruism and empathy and very sensitive to other people as well I really do feel it's like a different line of intelligence it's a different sensitivity that people develop and then it makes them not acting the same line as everybody else because one is sensing other information it's perceiving holistically and seeing the whole situation and then reacting to that not just 20 the words somebody said which was a simple instruction there's more information available and so with that I feel like I have that extra perceptiveness and I was actually watching TED talk today on highly sensitive people and I was thinking to myself that sounds derogatory in a way it doesn't but when you think about it it's like oh you're highly sensitive I think I would call it extraordinarily sensitive because that sounds better or extraordinarily perceptive something like that and the lady who did the talk was saying that a woman wrote a book about highly sensitive people I've probably seen it and I've heard of it and stuff but I just never thought to read it and i don't know if i will just cuz i'm not really reading books lately but she said that it's a genetic trait to be highly sensitive and i was thinking to myself how when i was younger i wasn't highly sensitive at least i wasn't aware that I was I was very academic and very in alignment with that I could have still been highly sensitive but not really i don't think i was sensitive to other people's feelings or anything like that and and I feel like it's almost like an acquired extraordinarily sensitive perceptive thing and I wonder if it can be acquired epigenetically or if it could be related to what Linus Pauling said about how some people have different nutritional requirements to to stay rational pretty much to not have some kind of supposed mental illness like some people need different nutrients but I still think that there's a different line of intelligence there it's maybe a different genetic expression of a different line of intelligence we just think that if people are outside a certain norm they must be mentally ill or they must be highly sensitive or something like that I don't really agree I agree that there are highly sensitive people but I think that it's a totally different line of intelligence and to say while these people are highly sensitive maybe regular people are highly insensitive and dulled and numbed and and educated into a stupor and I think I was one of those people and so that's why I think that it's more of a conditioning thing and then some people are less apt to get that kind of conditioning and be conditioned out of their highly sensitive perceptiveness that they were born with as children which is the pattern recognition which is the learning which is so many things and it's traded for words and rationality and then we call that normal and again the ego and the rationality are helpful in that they allow us to be desensitized to all the things that if we were sensitized to we would actually act and change the world so again it's more about conformity and and things like that so i don't know i think that certain people are less able to be programmed out of their sensitivity and then they're kind of like the highly sensitive ones and that are left to their own devices and then those traits and characteristics and that line of intelligence isn't valued in society because that's the one that would change society and then the people that are able to be programmed they go to the top and that's why they want to perpetuate that kind of programming because if they if that was lost then those people would be out of a job and I actually I read today a hopeful article about how universities are implementing some kind of well-being policy I'm not saying it properly but certain universities have adopted it and it's basically about rewriting the rules to be more strength based and also it's one thing to write rules to be punitive and it's another thing for them to be supportive like supportive rules and and they were saying some professors are giving options like you can do this assignment or this assignment or this assignment versus everyone doing the same assignment and I bet they would be geared a little bit to different intelligences or different learning styles who knows though mainly certain types of learning styles are the ones that get to university in the first place but it's definitely a step in a good direction and it was also saying that their training listeners so people in University of someone to talk to and someone to listen to them and they actually wrote it in the context of to keep the medical part of the mental health system to people that really need that medical attention and I was thinking that's really interesting because because a lot of maybe the wait times and things for mental health stuff is because there's people that maybe don't quite fit that or or maybe they need the medical attention because there's nobody to actually listen out there so if they had somebody to listen to they wouldn't necessarily need to go and get some kind of medication or psychiatric help so they're training listeners and I thought that was very similar to what i want to do with the ECP are have people that are able to help people with their distress whereas Mental Health First Aid it's like oh you're you're you're distressed you have a medical problem you better get medical help and that's fine for people that really need it but it's making so many people go for medical help when maybe they just need somebody to listen to them and maybe that's the best medicine and having somebody to talk to and have a chat with meet with me at the library for an hour after that I went and shared my story and did the best I think I've ever done and and also took away that sort of unpleasant energy that was moving around in my abdomen we get so disconnected that we feel so much pain that we need these medications to take away the pain which prevents us from connecting I might have talked about how it seems like I might have just written it down how it seems like this psychological anguish is almost a protective mechanism so we don't isolate ourselves and live in isolation from each other because with that anguish we have to seek out help which is usually from another person oftentimes it's replaced by a pill but when a person listens and is heard and vice versa it actually connects the people makes them relational and makes it sort of reconnects part of the social fabric of the collective social fabric so it's really important for that to happen I feel like I've lost my focus and I've talked about focus before and how it's kind of like focus pocus because for students in school we give them this crap to learn or do some crappy assignment and then we say oh they can't focus there's something wrong with them and we never questioned what we're actually giving the person to do and so I feel like since I have my new job I couldn't focus on Tuesday and Wednesday where I couldn't focus on was Wednesday and Thursday I couldn't focus I was very disturbed and distressed by all the noise and and maybe it's just a matter of that's not what I want to focus on maybe it's almost my brain or my my being or everything saying that's not your path and i think i mentioned how I had a decision i did this coin flip thing and i even and it said don't take the job basically and then i did a walk in a park to look for best two out of three for another coin and i found 25 pennies that also pointed tails which was the original so best two out of three even though the universe flipped 25 pennies for me for best two out of three and i still took the job and now i'm at this point where i'm wondering if my brain is going to allow me to do the job and I've also talked about how before I worked in a medical office where it was just joyful happy and and I never had any trouble and now I'm in this david-versus-goliath situation where I'm a person with lived experience with the system trying to sort of implement something with more people with lived experience in the system of people who don't really buy into that whole scenario and and that part of the system wasn't even the part of the system that really helped me the part was the clubhouse portion of the system which is funded a lot by the system but it's very different and so I'm just I feel almost like a hypocrite in a way like by by being well and working in the system I'm almost being like oh the system helped me when it didn't help me that much it helped me somewhat but since I've been trying to work in the system it's actually hurt me a lot more than when I was not working the system because I see how it's structured and it's just I think I see it and and it really bothers me and it's one of those very sensitive things and they talked about in the highly sensitive person talk that a person is a highly sensitive person has depth of processing over stimulation empathy and awareness of subtleties so if I think about everything that I've talked about in the 70 videos I've put on a playlist that i haven't yet released but i might one day it's all related to that so I almost feel like my supposed mental illness mi which have also called multi-dimensional awareness or multi-dimensional intelligence is what I called it I feel like what that highly sensitive people thing said is sort of like multi-dimensional intelligence it's being aware of so many more dimensions and when there's so many more dimensions it's a totally different way of processing than relying on one's ego compass the Eagle compass is very binary it's very either-or it's very simple and being able to process so much more and all those factors contribute to multidimensional intelligence part of it too is one sees the lack of intelligence in the way that we've designed society and I feel this intelligence wants us to be relational because that's the way we're designed to be I feel like I might have acquired epigenetic changes to make me into a highly sensitive person and it could have been the the trauma as it's called which opens one up to more spectrum it maybe makes a person were aware in this society in order to avoid that in the future and and it could be mistaken as okay avoid everything now that this is happening for a kind of the fourth time where I'm starting to I'm starting to retreat i'm starting to retract from the activities that i was moving towards it's almost like there's too much poison that that poison being aware of that all those factors the depth of processing the over / sensitivity or over stimulation it's like a poison that maybe changes me epigenetically in a way that i lose my focus i'm unable to focus on what it was that i was doing and i'm back in this sort of zoomed out mode of okay well what's really important right now so i spent some time with my family get lots of sleep and so it's really interesting i could think i could think that i am going into crisis or i could think that it's just not the right path and I've caught it really early this time [Music] and i really wonder if a lot of people that get diagnosed with a mental illness actually have this highly sensitive person quality because the person so much more sensitive that it would accumulate more allostatic load more stress and it could also be that one can't handle as much stress because the stress is what attacks the hippocampus and then memories and thoughts can't be sorted properly and then a person gets confused etc etc and then oh this person's mentally ill when it could almost be that certain people aren't designed to take that kind of stress so they'll start to design a reality that is not does not have that much stress in it because they can't really survive in it so there could be highly sensitive people that are able to kind of function but have to change their life to manage and then there's people that get diagnosed with a mental illness that become more or less non functional but it could just be a more extreme occurrence of being highly sensitive and and so there's this spectrum of sensitivity that is not accounted for because everything like science through which we view people in frame people is based on rationality but these people and like myself are not operating based on rationality we're operating based on a different intelligence it could be the intelligence of the heart could be the intelligence of the relational mind of empathy and then a lot of times a person might have so-called bad behavior and then you think well this person is being badly so how could they be connected to this other intelligence it gets to be like fight or flight a person goes into fight or flight for different reasons so she also talked about sensory processing sensitivity and there's being there's kids being born like this and this to me is similar to how I think a person can acquire this kind of sensitivity or it could also be to a lot of people after they go through post-secondary ordering that's when they have a so-called mental health crisis it's basically that the ego structures are false they're not real those aren't our real ways of sensing and processing and then it breaks down and then it's confusing because it's all new that's not how we're used to sensing and processing and so a person is behaving different and behaving odd and all these things and then they're seen as mentally ill when really the ego structure is false so it it could break down at any point and if we were never trained out of our sensitivity are learning are perceiving I don't feel like we would need or have this supposed mental illness reaction in order to try to get us to navigate with a different perception and compass and map we've been walking around drawing maps of our reality based on false conditioning again it's a different compass that's not logical and it's not valued and I actually feel it's suppressed it's not taken into consideration and it's pushed to the margins and the fringes and it goes along with the different lines of intelligent intelligence just like I was talking about with the autism spectrum it's a different line of intelligence and a lot of children acquire language takes longer but they have other intelligences that may or may not be allowed to flourish because logic doesn't see it I was thinking about algorithms a little bit and I was thinking that this high sensitivity or this extraordinary sensitivity is a different algorithm of what is made salient so the ego is a certain algorithm it's actually programmed into us through marketing through education so between TV and between the commercials on the internet and things and school and whatever else those are the things that we pick up that will be our compass by which we measure ourselves and navigate this reality and perhaps a highly sensitive person is is more perceptive to everything holistically so doesn't necessarily pick up the linear bits as easily because they're seeing the whole picture so it's harder for them to be programmed in that way so there seems to be this algorithm of deprogramming which is supposed crisis and then there's an algorithm of deprogramming which is happening through the autism spectrum and and those children are also highly sensitive to noise and different things oftentimes because there is too much information and there is too much noise and it's very difficult to sort what is meaningful and so with autistic children they have a difficult time sorting out what is meaningful what do these sounds mean and if they're so sensitive they could be hearing the sound of the furnace running and so that sound is interfering with their ability to pick up the discerning bits of sound and make sense out of them and if they're highly sensitive there's got to be some value to that high sensitivity and to also people that acquire this high sensitivity later in life through supposed mental illness or or and that's the thing with supposed mental illness that people become so sensitive they can pick up on things from the past possible futures they can extrapolate they can they can see and then create different pictures in their mind based on what they're processing and computing it's not necessarily mental illness it could just be an intelligence that logic and reason doesn't understand and it could be an intelligence beyond logic and reason we're programmed to ignore the intelligence of our body and whatever other intelligences we have i would say that some of my videos to me feel like depth of processing and awareness of subtleties and i talked a lot about empathy and over stimulation I feel like highly sensitive personhood and suppose it mental illness is just different intelligence along the spectrum and it could actually be the deprogramming algorithm because to me the main line of intelligence is dependent on how well we can be programmed and when we're programmed and we're rational we lose our sensitivity to these other intelligences these multi-dimensional intelligences to take a lot of things into consideration I actually feel like normality is how well we can be programmed and all the other aspects of consciousness and the way people are and the other intelligences are are devalued just because people can be programmed acquiring the sensitivity is acquiring a different compass and a different map think my heart is having an allergic reaction to working in mental illness it's like an aversion

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