When we say we're going to do something on this show, we poop and poop and poop until that thing is done. In that vein, we follow through in this one, which means a whole lot of secondhand Pepto for you and a whole lot of firsthand diarrhea for us. On the menu this week, we're featuring a blood-axed ketchup and dogshit sandwich, a pizza made of several seasonal varieties of ass, and a classic murder combo: fish and sausage. Despite the fact that we eat a bunch of garbage, this is a deceptively sexy episode, in which: tapan ups his upper lip game, Mike sells his friend for $100, and Josh out-Santas everybody.

Pairings: 7 ounces of Caesar dressing; the Hamburglar's bloodied visage; 90 seconds with Ryan N.