Instead Of

Well, folks, it’s been a long week, but the count is finally in: Instead Of, the podcast, is 176 episodes long. That’s right! Your three favorite hosts are hangin’ it up, hangin’ it down, and hangin’ it on a towel rack, respectively. We’re not kidding: this one, right here, is the very last one. Join us, each and every one of you Dear Listeners, as we bid you farewell the only way we know how: graphic descriptions of Neopets having sex. In this, the final one, we explode a roving invisible volcano, Mike and Josh finally consummate their long-simmering romance, and we leave you with a classic final twist: Tapan has a job. May the world remember us by the trail of saliva-drenched microphones we left behind.

Pairings: bitter regret; innocence, lost; cautious optimism

Hey, uh, "boo," and stuff. It's the last week in Spooktaboobular October, but if you're anything like your three favorite podcast hosts, you're feeling definitively anti-spooky this year. Instead, this week Josh plays pinball with human lives, Tapan installs dunk horns on his many basketball hoops, and Mike nurtures his burgeoning nudism.

Pairings: low expectations; wing buckets; hog fodder

In the strictly non-sexual holodeck here at Instead Of HQ, *almost* anything goes. The number two thing we use it for is fashion shows. Look! Here comes Josh down the runway with a sultry strut, sporting his signature crotch-top bodyromper in a very jazzy print. And there's Tapan, hand on his hip, beret on his head, John Silver cigarette dangling from his lips. Mike? We sort of... lost him to the holodeck. He's been living in there for months, downing hole-ales at the fantasy pub and rearranging knick-knacks at his new place in Falkreath.

Pairings: cool proximity; full Bacchus; a ProMax pocket protector

As the old saying goes, the road to Bob Dole's grave is paved with gingersnaps. This week on Instead Of, we learn that Bob Dole is alive, though our cherished 'snaps have crumbled for a grater cause. By the Untethered Horse, we solemnly swear that in this one, Josh adds bitters to his cheesecake, Mike becomes Fully Integrated with The Customer Service Matrix, and Tapan shows his son how it's (un)done.

Pairings: legit_gasp.mp3; dubious claims about your Mayan heritage; catstronauts

Dear Apple Podcasts, Boy did this week's Instead Of suck! The hosts—a fish hatcher, a sexy Tesla intern, and an autocratic iconoclast—do everything from slander the sex moves of the great and powerful Elon Musk to plot the defenestration of Mickey Mouse himself. This podcast must be stopped. No more pee trauma. No more mustache play. Enough is enough. 0 stars!

Pairings: a massive Sunday load; warm, wet water; a free rag

Look, everybody makes mistakes. Some of us get fired for performance reasons eighteen months ago and justifiably hide it from our friends and family, while others do unspeakably monstrous things like play anthology TV series out of order. We're here to tell you: it's okay. First of all, there's probably a great Fargo recap vid. And second, you need to cut yourself some slack. Paste yourself some forgiveness. Now get back in that hallway, slam a Natural Light, and gaffe away, kid!

Pairings: T-Rexas Toast; Water Drowns Water; girth glottals

Much like the golden retrievers of Tuscany, this week your hosts bring you nonexistent tales of Rube Goldberg track meets gone by, replete with speed holes, drunk teens, and a new event we call "push this rock until you die." Later on, Josh gives Linda at Paul a call, Tapan packs his javelins at home, and the boys set out on a metaphysical quest to explain how 1 is different from 2, and also how 2 is different from 3, and also how 3 is different from 4...

This week, it's movie night! First up in our triple feature is the latest MJH/Dave Chappelle vehicle, and let's just say: Executive Producer Josh Harrison is a dirty, no-good liar. Next up, Mike Bogart stars as Krunklestiltskin in the movie it took a cult to make: Cats II. Grounding out the night, it's the Ultimate Director's Cut of the 2004 cult classic Mr. 3000, where they digitally insert flashlights in everybody's hands in every scene.

Pairings: tongue crunches; afterparty pregnancy; one libation, extra filth

Any wedding attendee will tell you that the best part of attending a wedding is making small talk with your fellow wedding attendees. Much like a grandparent using Zoom for the third time, in this one we struggle to comprehend virtual wedding etiquette, resulting in: an icebreaker about the random, unfeeling nature of the universe; a marriage between two hard places; and a bright future for the nom de fair.

Pairings: dribbling taste; juggling scarves; a flirting trophy

Good evening, and welcome to the Instead Of NewsHour. Our top story tonight: Disturbing found footage of a turkey trot in Boston is raising new questions in the mysterious disappearance of local turkey Josh Harrison. In sports, superstar devoicalist Tapan Jani puts his unbeaten record on the line in the Devoice Challenge. And on the lighter side, renowned eccentric Mike Bogart will offer a reading from his new poem, "Where Do All the Turtles Go?"

Pairings: a tasty Sorrento platter; defunct YouTube channels; 14:42 in Hell