Instead Of

Do you know how many astronauts are in space right now? When's the last time an astronaut told you a funny joke? When's the last time an astronaut changed your tire? When's the last time an astronaut made an impact on your life in any way? Look, folks, let's face it: Astronauts have been freeloading here on Earth for years now. This week, we're not bitter about failing to get accepted into the space program, and: Josh bombs at a stinky stand-up wing joint, Tapan walks right into a punny Memento sequel, and Mike woos the spiritual successor to The Doobie Brothers to life.

Pairings: a 75-pound studio blanket; a convincing tarp; Kleenex origami

If there's one thing your hosts are certified experts in, it's plowing, sowing, cultivating a field to maturity and then harvesting the fruits of our labor (in this case the fruit is wheat). That's right, it's a classic farm-to-table tale in which Mike goes from owning a whole farm to owning one table at the hands of the treacherous Jig Oinkle and the miserly Matt Damis and the man behind the man behind the man behind the tractor, Tapan. Also in this one: several great reasons to skip middle school, several great ways to cheat at poker, and several great ways to milk a pig.

Pairings: anti-sad with your counter-students; Quickbooks; an integrity blanket

If you're taking the sudden return of Blackbeard's ghost as seriously as we are, by now, all your bathtubs are full of chili. Here at Instead Of HQ, that goddamn disgusting bathtub chili is starting to look as good as a golden shower from a bullet train honey cannon. You see, your hosts have been working up an appetite. We know what's coming. We've seen the signs. Every hundred years, they say: A great flood. Last time it was molasses. This time... only that bastard Blackbeard can say for certain. But there's one thing we know: We'll be chili steppin' 'til the bears come home. In Dr. Colleen Cassidy St. Clair we trust.

Pairings: socioeconomic distancing; parking lot game; milkgator

Soooo things have moved quickly since our last episode... including Josh! He's bouncing back to an empty apartment in Boston next week, and as his business partners and fractional-brothers, Mike and Tapan are here to help him generate entertaining analog content with a no-masturbation-allowed brainstorming session. Ideas include: losing his sanity in the midst of writing and rehearsing a one-act play to perform for himself... and himself; bunnies, in shadow; and growing a forehead poof.

Pairings: a karma daddy; sensitive ears; the trifles of the bourgeoisie

Just in time for the global pandemic, we here at Instead Of HQ are bringing you the exclusive, 100% true tips and tricks you need to crush your self-quarantine, including: how and why to hamster your home, exactly where to slather the peanut butter, and how to make the hottest new fashion accessory of the (flu) season. Later on, we celebrate Tapan's legendary impressionism, Mike relives his salad days growing salad, and Josh harnesses the remarkable healing fluids of flaccid aloe.

Pairings: Pso-Bye-Assist!™; building consensus; the good eighth

Hey everybody, Josh went to Costa Rica and had a great time and now he's back, so guess what we're gonna talk about? Join us this week for a grueling slideshow of the 1,100 pictures Josh took in Costa Rica, followed by a retrospective on the tour guides Josh met and befriended in Costa Rica, concluding with Josh's field guide to tipping etiquette in Costa Rica. Just kidding; you won't begrudge Josh one second of pure vida airtime because he actually talks about dope shit like resplendent quetzals and flaming bananas. You're gonna love it. Later on, we stumble into topics such as: the many hair loss benefits of wearing a swim cap at all times, the relative merits of Dragonball Z boulder baseball, and Atlantis II vis a vis Cairo II, of all places.

Pairings: a solid listener:friend ratio; the original banana miser; Yamcha’s approval

Some of us here at Instead Of HQ have a thing for chairs. Everybody's got a thing, right? Some folks just happen to have a thing for chairs, and that's fine. That is, until an innocent fascination with chairs becomes a lifestyle. An obsession. An Adiron-diction. Join Tapan this week as he ventures into the home of a chair-based criminal mastermind. Join Mike as he forays into the family of a very responsible driver. Join Josh as he greases a sloth jockey at a very corrupt zoo. Three stories. Two hosts. One clairvoyant lion.

Pairings: Anti-American sentiments; terminal kindness; *zoo-ra vida*

If you’ve ever planned a party, you know that without thoughtfully executed ice breakers, your guests are entirely on their own to form their factions and, through diplomatic channels, strike that perfect party balance between anarchy and fascism. Lucky for everyone at your next get together, Two Pants Tapan, Mirrored Mike, and Jumpsuit Josh are back with an all-new Certified Rager Total Party Solution™. This time we’re offering an exclusive one-week only Ice Breakers Crash Course, in which you’ll learn the party boys’ tips and tricks to freeze awkward encounters in their tracks, including: what to look for in electing your faction’s Super Delegate, the ins and outs of ice picking, and how cold it has to be to keep from melting. In other news, Josh handles the nuts (and bolts), Tapan hoes down at Kid Rock’s Drunk Pit, and Mike makes friends in some very woah places.

Pairings: Bass Nectar Fishing Lures; totally ethical glue; tears for cheers

When it comes to limits, Tapan and Bradley Cooper agree that the fewer, the sexier. Take it from them: the less inhibited your brain is by the artificial constructs that've been holding you back all this time, the more free you'll be to finally tattoo the really big muscles you've always wanted straight on to your whole body. In this one, your hosts consider real hypotheticals for once, resulting in: Josh negging both of his favorite cookies in one episode, Tapan putting an elephant in the room, and Mike Görping his way to spotless personal crannies.

Pairings: a sentient dirt vibrator; a hot stache; vacuum/basketball brand synergy

Hitting theaters this fall, from Instead Of Studios, it's THREE HUSBANDS, ONE WIFE! What happens when three recently widowed brother husbands hit the Vegas strip to wager the last will and testament of Princess Diana on a Pringles eating competition? Why, just a rip-roaring romp through the wild and wacky world of basic probability is all! You'll watch Josh as he doubles down on cream. You'll see Mike eat vitamins with his butt (for potency). You'll gasp in awe as Tapan conducts marriage counseling... from inside the marriage. Also there's a skateboarding dog!

Pairings: a patient bookie; Poochie vibes; 30 minutes or more