Instead Of

Shakespeare once said, "That which we call a grape by any other name would taste as sweet." Much like that quotation, Shakespeare was way off. This week on Instead Of, we eat your organs during the ultimate single-mouth battle to the death: It's cherries vs. grapes. Mike vs. his fedora. Josh vs. gravity. Tapan vs. late-stage capitalism. Fasten your seatbelts, folks. We... don't remember how to drive.

Pairings: finger divots; cat options; odds-defying vigilance

Here at ZipVan Winkle’s, we take all the waking stress out of moving. You know how, when you’re awake, moving sucks? That’s where we come in. ZipVan Winkle’s is built on the timeless idea that when you’re asleep, you don’t know what’s going on. With our patented Right Angle-Identifying technology, you can rest assured that we’ll never cut corners. And as experienced storm chasers, we’ll never conduct your move during a tornado (though our patent-pending hairpills mean you’ll never know the difference!). Move with ZipVan Winkle’s, and you’ll wake up in a brand new world™. Also in this one, Josh rends a fence limb-from-limb, Mike stipulates the hair you ate, and Tapan processes the full range of human experience.

Pairings: ground-to-air troops; gawking dawdlers; a shallow gene pool

When it comes right down to it, folks, the thing about this week's episode is that it's hard to explain, right? It's even hard for us, and we've been studying it for years! But if you can give us a little of your time and attention for the next 45 minutes or so, you just might learn something new. So let's get started! Did you know that Josh wears the pants of his long-dead ancestors? As we like to say, more like "*haute mature*!" Now, if you can believe it, Tapan was one of the very first folks to *ever* spell a number. Amazing! We like to call him a true "*pi-*oneer." And finally we come to Mike, who's over here hard at work cultivating his cadence to captivate future Bogies.

Pairings: a boring boorish boar burglar; boolean operators; 13 potato cubes or less

There's no other way to say it: This week, your hosts shed all pretense and artifice, calmly throttling the life out of our cooler, younger selves as we make a dispassionate defense of the categorical imperative to maximize one's cribbage score against one's girlfriend. Seven years post-Gangnam Style, we here at Instead Of are of an age where being on a CSI show seems cool, and we're thriving. Tapan knows all the best pills to take, Mike's working on his dead will, and Josh plays every game like it might be his last, nice and friendly-like.

Pairings: a next-rainbow-up mentality; clarity, finally; a pit rake PR machine

If you're anything like us, and you've recently been on a drug-fueled stream-of-consciousness off-roadtrip with your best buds, you'll understand exactly what we mean when we say that Josh's body is not only a waterpark but also all seven layers of Hell. This week, we get our feet dirty (while they're not nailed down) and really connect with the Earth and all its luscious grasses. Along the way, we learn some important lessons: Jesus knew what he was talking about when it came to ROI on billboards; sometimes you need to wet your own carpet; and toasters are, amazingly, vertical ovens.

Pairings: surprise piledrivers; curl accentuater; a cobbler fetish

Hey, guys! Welcome to Instead Of! This week's BDSM ASMR video is sponsored by ropes. We here at Instead Of are definitely not materials science... scientists, we're just globetrotting YouTubers. But let us be the first to tell you: these rope things are great. Next time you're tying a baker's dozen (or more!) mattresses to your truck, try a rope.  Anyway, in this one we ride 'til we die, deal 'til we heal, and dole out some much-deserved carpital punishment.

Pairings: gross tortilla misuse; 22YUPNEW5's hilarious new catchphrase; a massage so deep you feel it through your screen

A lot of people will tell you that deodorizing your elbowpits is stupid, but we here at Instead Of are a tufty bunch. When we're not rattailing it at IOHQ, we're hightailing it to such places as Lansing, Michigan, the least expected state capital on the map. Yea, verily, in this one we spend ten good minutes of your time naming a fair chunk of the 50 states and various cities within them. In conclusion, as @REIGaming once twote, the real world is open as hell.

Pairings: Juneau, by boat; Montpelier, by air; your shitty face and body

Much like America at-large, your faithful hosts are having a weird one this week, and we must therefore beg for your forgiveness on a number of counts, chief among which is Josh's subpoen-able Pee Movie. Lo, the teen knew not what he would commit to video literally forever, and yet, like us all once we really get going, he could not stop. Later on, Mike takes a touery of a brewery, we become a real podcast, and Tapan is metaphysically undone by hot sauce.

Pairings: a stupid idiot Tamagotchi; pen and pad; a tomtom for your TomTom

Soup be damned! We're going nuts-deep this Fourth of July, which means a whole lot of misinterpreted idioms for us and five pairs of wax lips a year for every American. Instead of fireworks, we're celebrating our independence by downing a couple lava shots, putting on some highly flammable facewear, and heading to the biggest movie of the summer: nothing.

Pairings: your emergency King of Queens DVDs; a bitchin' 'stache; a Mark Rothko joint

INT. “WIN IT ALL WITH MIKE BOGART” SOUNDSTAGE - NIGHT

JOSH kneels, head in hands, on a stage strewn with bloody gray feathers. A falcon, perched on a sawhorse, preens itself to stage left. Shocked murmurs echo from the TV audience.

JOSH

Not my cygnets! How could you, Falcor!?

TAPAN enters the stage, followed by MIKE. JOSH reaches for the saw at his feet, but MIKE’S foot lands on it before he can pick it up.

MIKE

I’ve got good news for you, Josh! ...You’re moving on to the next round!

JOSH

Oh... no. No, God, please...

This week, we play Win It All with Mike Bogart! Step right up for the chance to win tax-liable prizes including: a beautiful set of brand new baby swans, a luxurious secondhand cat, and this delicious snail over here.

Pairings: mental fortitude; lax kidnapping laws; a car to catch birds with