Instead Of

This week, your hosts are all househens and clamhands as we celebrate the nation's numerous and individual small businesses, each of which is unique in its similarity. Among the multitude of self-same businesses large and small, we identify definite outliers: Blacktop Mike's Listening Room, Tapan & Andy's Auto Body, and Succulent Josh's Murder-for-Hire.

Pairings: A spiritual hole in your heart, $5 a month, and a Patreon login; enough dogs; Circles: Cones from Above

From spider web hammocks to dark tan cookware, here in Episode 155 we cover everything you need to make your home Instead Of chic. First: appliances. If it's not a Whirlpool, get rid of it. Second: spider crafts. This one is pretty self-evident. Third: a car wash for humans. We can't believe you don't already have this. And finally: pots and pantillism. You'll never make spaghetti again!

Pairings: good lip hair; cold drinks; Eisprime on Twitch and YouTube

When it comes to insightful on-the-spot introspection, we're probably not the first show you think of, and that makes a lot of sense. This week, we give it our best shot anyway. We also workshop inspirational whale slogans, denigrate corporate COVID-jingles, and bring a Horse to a Tag fight.

Pairings: aclu.org; eji.org; naacpldf.org

When it comes to mail fraud, this podcast has a firm position: Yes. Here at Instead Of HQ, we open other peoples' mail all the time, and you know what? It's even more thrilling than it sounds. We found all kinds of stuff in there this week, including: Josh's fervent teenage social-ishm, Mike Bogart and the Reluctant Witches, and the bad 49% of Tapan's body, but mostly it's ads for pizza cutters.

Pairings: Center Stage 2: Ballerina 2 Ballerina; Calphalon-esque brand recognition; the cutting-edge science behind Bagel Bites

Breathe deep, Dear Listener! That sweet scent is the fecund seed of spring (or, as we here at Instead Of HQ like to call it, humping season). Yes, your hosts have had sex before, so we recognize all the trademark signs of the season: The birds are humping, the trees are humping, and the sex dolls are washing up on the world’s shores. So plug up your nose, pop in those earbuds, and listen as: Tapan pulls off a Parker-esque double crossover, Mike avails himself of a virgin Arnie, and Officer Jeff Swears he doesn’t know anything about the animal blood.

Pairings: A cop sandwich; Pepsi Min; sex

From new customs to new costumes, we're all adopting novel habits and hairstyles here in quarantine—especially Josh. This week, your resident hairline hardliner has his Travis Bickle Britney moment, while also-host Mike allays all his anxieties among avian-adjacent allies in alleys, and equal-host Tapan tries triumphantly to stamp a talkative teen tiger's ticket to the Ivy League. Pull up a stool, pour yourself a delicious chicken parm smoothie, and say hey to our moms for us, would you?

Pairings: crust aroma; renewable China; LaxPact.com: "Legal; advice?"

Here at Instead Of HQ, we’ve been venturing out of our communal bunker one host at a time, and Oh! the things we’ve seen. Pointillism parks, boastful Ohioans, beavers... the list ends there. There’s really not much going on. But that doesn’t mean we can’t have a funky party in celebration of Episode 150! Come, join us in our anti-viral communal bunker as we discuss: How many dogs Josh has killed, how many dogs it takes to eat Mike’s chronic inflammation, and how many dog attacks one financial institution can withstand. Hmm? Who’s that weird guy in the corner? That’s just Norton. Don't you worry about Norton.

Pairings: straight A's; digital papers; musicsmithing lessons

Here we are, the 15th most popular podcast in the Top 14, teetering on the precipice of 150 episodes, and what do we have to show for it? Bill Macy might recognize us in a GameWorks, sure, but *who cares?* Listen, it's high time we reinvent ourselves. It's time we dry off our feet, fold up our lips, and get serious. We're coming at you this week with several new endeavors, including: an undeniably funky jam sesh, Instead Of Live: Bad Host Edition, and a first date lip game smackdown.

Pairings: scat; Jessica Alba's potential attention; a pear-shaped German ballbreaker

Deep within the furthest recesses of space, quasi-transmogrified by multivalent shards of fractional time, this week's episode is brought to you in quantum simulcast from both inside and outside the neediest, most approval-seeking wormhole in the universe, which is paradoxically contained within each and every cell that makes up *your very brain*. Much like the... noise particles? that are even now beating relentlessly against your ear drums, so too do we, in this one, beat relentlessly upon the laws of physics in pursuit of the best idea we've ever had: full-size remote control rocket car soccer. Also, Josh rues the ambience of an Epcot: Norway gone by, Tapan weaponizes Schrödinger's Stone, and we get to the bottom of a bon vivant chat's nonchalance.

Pairings: password sharing; some hot ganj; an operational segue

*In nomine Ovum, et Hominem, et Lepus sancti...* We gather here today to celebrate the life and death of a very special egg some of us like to call Humpty, and the sacrifice He made to vanquish that nasty Eggman way back when. Now, children, we have a special Tuesday School tradition in store for you. Mhm, pick up your eggs. Form a line against the wall, that's it. Yes, keep your eyes closed—it's time for The Egging. Also in this one: a face-watering Banksy/Fieri collab, internet data packet transfer protocols (or whatever), and a fire sale on Mark Cuban's attention.

Pairings: a holiday that's *not* ultimately about sex; Fudd vibes; white sailors