I'm feeling a little grumpy but figured I'll make video anyway I don't know what it is exactly but I just feel bothered by reality right now perhaps after listening to that talk by those people who work in mental health about how they're all gung-ho about presenting different options about receiving people going through crisis and maybe they want to come off their meds and maybe they want to have less mats and different things like that presenting options and just knowing they're going to go on that sort of crusade in a way I feel like I want to participate but at the same time I'm not allowed I don't work for that part of the Health Authority so them experiencing that for one week at a conference now they get to go talk and share and present to all their colleagues and I've been living it for five and a half years and then researching it for the last two years and it's not even as long as so many people have and where's people's opportunity to have a voice they're just really isn't that and so I feel like I want to be like yes and jump for joy by the same time I think like it's sad that they're the people that get to speak up about it and share that kind of perspective when they haven't lived through it I guess they're sharing it with their colleagues and everything but it still bothers me a little bit because it's a chance to be like maybe try not pathology zhing so much maybe things might work a little bit better and and they're the ones that get to say that and so I guess I should be happy in a way but at the same time I feel almost like being like okay good it's in their hands maybe I don't have to do anything about it maybe I can just watch from the sidelines as it unfolds naturally sort of naturally I have a bit of a cold but talking to myself anyway and I tried to go to the park but then they were doing construction on the road right beside the park so I couldn't turn in the parking lot I had to go all the way around the block to park in the park and then I get in the park and all I can hear is the noise of that machine that's cutting a big slice in the pavement and so I was at the park for a few minutes in the night I just gave up my left there's no where to find peace and quiet around here it's just so much noise they even a park during the weekdays is not a park it's trucks backing up with their baby beep raking leaves and all this and bustle it's not a peaceful place it's not a natural park there's people doing stuff to the park everywhere as if the park can't take care of itself in some way and then I was looking for this woman who presented her email and so I was on the website of where she works or something and I look and it was funded by a family group whose son ended their life and so on the page it says so-and-so committed suicide and anything myself this is supposed to be like one of the most progressive places for mental health here and they're using committed suicide as language on the main page of the website and I'm like that is sad that stems from suicide being a crime and so the more acceptable language nowadays has died by suicide or something like that I don't know but to say committed suicide I just thought jeez and then I went on the website of this poor boy the foundation and I was reading the story and he was put on antidepressants week weeks before he died so a lot of times those make things worse and make a person actually go through with it so for for that to happen so much funding to go towards creating more of the same types of interventions it's just sad to me it could have I don't know it's just really sad it again it's like well it was a mental illness it was a brain disease so we better make more of the interventions of the mental illness paradigm never really taking into account what else could be going on and not pathologizing distress of these poor teenagers they're crying out for help and they can't even talk to their own parents because their parents were the ones that are putting the society on them so again I doubt my efforts in peer support I feel like peer support I'm not sure if it can coexist with the mental health system and I've already said that so I'm feeling slightly conflicted and it could be partly PMS partly a few things and i'm not i'm not actually feeling upset about feeling to stress I'm just noticing and I think it's okay because why wouldn't I be slightly disturbed by some of those things and on the website to of that poor boy they said there was another suicide at this school that he was at at the actual school late added at a later date so it's to say that teenagers have mental illnesses is really sad I don't really think that they should be pathologized and labeled in all those ways just like what I was saying yesterday that app or transgender teen with all those labels in the in the article about them it just is trying to just program our brains to really think about people in those ways it's really sad and so maybe I'm a little bit sensitive about being pathologize myself I just picked up my month supply of lithium and I see myself as needing it because of all this GD traffic noise and working in the system and it's all this crap is going on and I'm hoping that in a number of months my situation will be different and also I was referred to us client and that kind of stun a little bit I just feel like I was put in my place I got the end of the day I'm just a client I know that's not true but still I should go back to sticks and stones but again why remaining in the system working for the system as part of the system I'm reinforcing my role as client and I know this will pass it's just trying to inform me I really I'm supposed to maybe go south in a couple months and as it stands I have a job that I don't think I can get away with leaving for several months at a time and I almost feel like just being like screw it I'm out of here I don't owe this system anything and it's just maybe gonna take me down I guess it's good to not always be more in my even appearing disposition all the time because that's part of it I don't really want to be even I think it's a rich experience to be sort of in these distressing places and the distress isn't like oh I have this problem from 10 years ago it's like what they're doing to teenagers and the noise of society and how parks aren't really parks and not really like personal problems and I was even thinking I could at some point when I'm in a bit of a quieter place go off lithium and and do videos about it and talk about what it's like and maybe I'll be all over the place and a gong show and that's okay too that's part of the dialogue the self dialogue just to talk about stuff as it comes up and i actually have like for speaking engagements if you want to call it that coming up one this week and no to this week and to next week and then week after i have stand-up comedy so it's interesting to be in this place I've kind of like her just want to say screw you system and all you pathologizing people and just just drop it and and I sort of had this sense and I've done it before where I stayed too long in a job and it gets me in trouble I wonder if I could just drop it and just say peace out and I'm going to possibly make my decision more so coming up in the next couple of days because I don't know if I can stay here like this I I need peace and quiet to feel 528 Hertz of love energy guess i will talk more about stuff I I would like to be able to catch up at least on the recent stuff that I've written within the last couple of months and then i could go on to looking at some of the things i read in the past that people wrote talk about that as well as may be going and looking at some of the stuff i wrote five and a half years ago and starting to go back in time so talking about stuff from now but then going back which is harvesting my original mania so I haven't harvested it in terms of actually looking at what i wrote from back then and i had the paper a stack of paper like this big but I chucked it out one day but I scanned them all into PDF so I have that to look at again this is recontextualization for myself it's mania literacy it's map consciousness literacy it's self dialogue and a different narrative think map consciousness is an energetic process in consciousness it's like a grand reset button it resets our ego when we go back to the collective humanity that we started from and then we start to learn how to use our brains again instead of having our brains used by dopamine and a lot of times most the time it it ends up being a failure for the engine to start and then the dopamine circuits don't really work well either and then people like what do you mean you don't want to reach goals what do you mean you just want to sit on the couch there's no motivation because the purpose was to screw up the dopamine circuit because that is the circuit that is destroying the planet and the universe is going to destroy us through this dopamine blow out versus actually having too many people with that dopamine circuit and it wastes a lot of our energy to go back and try and fix people that their dopamine circuit got totally destroyed by the universe and it was supposed to kickstart other circuits in the brain that would actually make the people that go through this process part of the solution to humanity the different line of intelligence developing it's part of the social fabric where certain people are supposed to have a certain function and this is a new function or turned into dysfunction I feel like it's also giving us the impetus to create new language a relational language and there's epigenetics related to the relational length language so it's important for us to use different language and relational language the language of we and world centricity in order to create this in the relational neural networks of the collective fabric we need to start at least speaking to each other in these ways otherwise we just start to speak the language of pathology and explain why our dopamine circuits aren't allowing us to be motivated and step back into a cog in the machine and society thoughts become viruses in our own voice we record it from somewhere else and then we translate it into our voice and then it's a virus we think it's ourselves it's using us it's like a sonic delusion it's like a sonic sleight of hand a sonic sleight of voice we're slighted by our own voice and we don't realize we have a choice to not choose and be used by the voice in our head which is our own voice but it's not the sonic delusion creates the images of the past its recalling past men raised as self medication with our own images and those images are actually tied in with the emotional neuro peptides that are in our body and we're addicted to those like what the bleep do we know we only know what we're addicted to and we're addicted to dopamine and we're addicted to neuropeptides of whatever emotion gives us the juice of dopamine so we might have an emotion that we are always feeling hate but that is actually giving us a reward we're addicted to it it's probably tied into the dopamine so by hating other people we actually feel superior and get some dopamine I also wonder if we didn't repeat our thoughts how many thoughts would we actually think a day like 10 so a lot of our brain energy is being wasted by repetition and I think front ality is tied to dopamine and transient hypo front allottee the dopamine circuit subsides and then the flow chemicals or the manic conscious neuropeptides are able to come into play and the ego blocks what the heart sees and I think this is actually quite necessary right now because I've talked about before if all of a sudden that ego barrier was removed from everyone we would be in everyone would be in chaos and confusion this dopamine ego provides some semblance of order just because we're only responding to a very small amount of the information in reality the ones we've been programmed and conditioned into actually repeating due to their effect on our dopamine system I feel like the silent mind is actually an elite human being because they talk about elite athletes as in they can achieve flow States and and high performance in their body well then there must be elite human beings who don't need the prefrontal cortex and experience hypo front ality and it's not just transient it would actually be transient front ality because it would only turn on the prefrontal cortex when absolutely necessary our brain and our intelligence and our consciousness would only use it when it's absolutely necessary and what we think makes things salient and what we think is tied into our dopamine and also the emotions that were addicted to and the memories we've recorded and choose to replay on our mind screen and that's what makes what things salient in reality but we're actually not seeing reality at all and when we pick something out of reality that we have reacted to emotionally we record it and when we record it and we flash that image our ego starts making stories about why it is that we feel that way it gives justification it strengthens the me versus you the right versus wrong and it gives that dopamine hit to feel entitled in a way it's almost like emotions or songs because when we feel it the ego start spinning sad songs and sad stories about what it is that we're feeling our consciousness starts to think that it's an ego because of that thinking process with our own voice and it's a case of mistaken identity but it's hard to realize that when the voice is in our own tone in a way insanity is the beginning of sanity other voices could be trying to save us from the trick of our own voice I feel like in my first mania it was a strong 528 Hertz experience and I can still sense it and I can still go back and harvest it because it's always there within me to harvest and even though Eagle consciousness has come back in as a part of my life I can still move toward that vision in time I was thinking today that the ego is a widget and manic consciousness or map consciousness the whole spectrum is a dashboard I also realized tooth the video i made the fly whisperer I think the reason the Flies weren't afraid of me was because I was in 528 Hertz and that is the same frequency as nature so they just saw me as the same as them I think medications block the new circuits from being ignited and I was also thinking about this 741 hurts of the ego-mind prefrontal cortex frequency versus 528 Hertz of love of the heart chakra and I was thinking about how matter the faster it vibrates the more dense it is so a rock the molecules in Iraq vibrate really fast whereas the molecules in air vibrate slower so in 741 hurts that's vibrating a lot faster than 528 and the faster vibration implies more density so this could also be one of the ways that it adds density to our system and one of the ways that people have told me when I'm in that other consciousness I'm taller because I'm not carrying that tension of the 741 hurts so those that frequency is actually a denser faster frequency and it's going to change my entire physical structure and I guess mental structure to and that could also be part of the effect of gravity and gravity feeling more dense actually when I'm feeling like I'm hitting the lowest part of the scale of consciousness I feel the heaviest it feels like I'm going I'm decelerating on an elevator I feel so heavy and that could be even a different vibratory level I'm not sure and I was also thinking that our voice is X phoric sensation so we're actually lacking the awareness that our voice is talking about the past and it's keeping us in the past so we're lacking eck phoric sensation anything that moves us away from the present moment even a fraction of a millimeter is lacking Eck fork sensation unless we're actually using our brains but if our brains are being used by these thoughts they're actually totally warping our brains and warping us it's interesting that we're warped for the sound of our own voice and in that way can we be equally as unwarranted projecting our voice outward and perhaps this is one of the ways that talk therapy is helpful just to use one's own voice to express oneself and that's why I'm doing self dialogue it's almost like dialogue too it's a log a journal our own voice is trauma it's almost like if we didn't process that in the moment our voice is always reminding us of it something's going to come up in our voice later and tell us I feel like empathy makes us more able to respond because we can actually feel the situation dopamine likely decreases our empathy and makes us very linear and one-dimensional we can't sense things other than as it has to do with our own personal pleasure gratification or avoiding pain basically using people and I think about dr. David Hawkins scale of consciousness from zero to a thousand and I wonder where psychiatry actually lies and the medical mental health paradigm and then if I'm working in that that's actually having an effect on my organism my physiology because I'm a tuner like a radio tuner and I'm picking up on the more for genetic fields that I'm being exposed to and because I've been given that empathetic lens through map consciousness I'm affected even more and I think it's actually good to be you know pulled down a level or two as not to go off into one's own personal ecstasy because that's not ideal either but I guess just being aware of it and and just keeping track of the amount of time because it could be more so the amount of time that is the accumulation and I think being shown that suffering and experiencing a lot of suffering through the empathetic process is actually something from the field of love because the field of love wants us to get a message that we are all connected and that we're all suffering and it's sort of like a last ditch effort in a way for love to give us that message it's almost like the higher levels of consciousness that map consciousness shows us it's showing us what's possible and then when we come back down to these lower levels of guilt shame anger everything like that is showing us what is actual what's happening now I think it's showing us a different scale is showing us something beyond personal reward and pleasure and avoiding pain it's it's the collective and it shows us that we really perceive the collective so once we've been given that empathetic quality or line of intelligence it's hard not to take action and it's a different action it's not an action of a word I get my next donut it's something else and I wonder why we should need any X sensation we only need that if we have thoughts in our head

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