Do you ever have one of those days where you fantasize about throwing someone out a window? Not that you would ever actually want to hurt someone, but there’s just that “leave me the fuck alone” feeling?

Part of living in families and communities that doesn’t get a lot of airtime are the low-level irritations and resentments that can build up in long-term relationships. During this “Stuck Together Summer” we’ve gotta talk about feeling pissed off at the people you, ostensibly, love.

Bruh, Why You Mad?

I’m not immune from petty annoyances. When my husband was home with me for two weeks after a recent shoulder surgery, I might have, at one point, complained about how loudly he was breathing.

When I find myself angry at people for doing things like breathing or behaving in ways that are intrinsic to them (such as my kids for being loud and argumentative) usually the problem is…me.

In situations like this, some people like to use the acronym HALT (Am I Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired?) to check on themselves, I prefer the acronym SWaTHS: is the sun in my eyes? Do I have a wedgie (or other uncomfortable clothing situation)? Am I thirsty? Hangry? Sleepy?

If SWaTHS doesn’t reveal a culprit, the problem is often boundary related. Many of us raised in high-control religions were taught to ignore our needs. The trouble is needs don’t magically disappear because you’re ignoring them! They just fester into irritation and resentment.

Heretic Hereafter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

What Boundaries Are (and Aren’t!)

“Boundaries,” like a lot of therapy speak, is a term being widely misused across social media. People say “boundaries” to try and control others, to set ultimatums, and to generally say “this is a thing I don’t want to do and so I won’t because: therapy!”

Boundaries, sadly, aren’t magic words that get other people to do whatever we want. Boundaries are decisions people make for themselves about what kind of behavior they will tolerate in order to protect their own mental and physical health.

For example: Say your Aunt Bertha constantly brings up your bald spot and it drives you absolutely crazy.

Not boundaries: You say “Aunt Bertha stop laughing at my bald spot or I’ll throw you the window!”

Boundaries: You decide to mention to Aunt Bertha that her comments bother you. You decide that if she keeps bringing it up, you’ll have to cut your phone call or visit short.

Notice here that your decision is about what you will do. You can’t control whether Aunt Bertha makes a crack about your appearance. You can control your response.

Why Some People Hate Boundaries

In my experience, most people are very respectful of boundaries if they’re framed in a gently, such as “I wish I could help you with your tuba solo, but I’m at capacity.”

Some people, though, take boundaries EXTREMELY PERSONALLY because:

* it triggers their guilt: were their previous actions hurtful and they didn’t know?

* they have rejection sensitivity (common in ADHD) or other trauma related to boundaries

* the previous arrangement (you being a doormat) worked well for them. When you set boundaries it threatens the status quo

I’ve dealt with a fair amount of drama regarding pretty straight-forward boundaries around my kids’ needs for regular meals and bedtimes. It sucks to feel like you have to choose between good parenting and keeping the peace.

But, regardless of how people feel about our boundaries, it’s important to stick to them. Their feelings are their issue, not yours.

There are, however, more complex boundary situations.

Boundaries with People Who Have Power Over You

Boundaries are more complicated with people whom you depend on for housing, a salary, or other needs. It’s a lot easier to set boundaries with Aunt Bertha when she’s not the one paying your rent or watching your kids on the reg.

For instance, if you have reason to believe that your boss will punish you for setting boundaries, you might have to take a different tack, such as lowering your expectations (“Bob always microwaves tuna, that’s just how it is”) or, if the situation is really bad, looking for a different job.

Boundaries with People You Have Power Over

For many of us, setting boundaries with people we have power over can be equally difficult. Having been on the receiving end of abusive bosses, I’ve been reluctant to do things like tell my babysitter to put her phone away and, you know, watch my kids. (We all want to be liked, right?) I have to remind myself there’s a difference between being clear about expectations and being a bad boss.

Similarly, I’ve noticed how hard it is for many parents to set reasonable boundaries with their own kids. It feels easy to veer into being either over-controlling or too lenient. Newborns train us to respond to their every cry, but as kids get older, they need increasing amounts of what I’ve termed “brick wall parenting”: firm limits they can’t argue their way out of. Yes, you have to do your homework. No, you can’t play with fireworks.

Setting boundaries isn’t being mean; it’s us acting as our kids’ frontal lobes until theirs have a chance to develop.

Difficult But Worth It

Most people do not enjoy conflict. For those of us who were raised to be doormats, setting boundaries can be especially anxiety-provoking. But being clear about boundaries actually improves our relationships—it teaches people how we prefer to be treated and shows us who is capable of honoring that and who isn’t. Failing to set and enforce boundaries often leads to resentment, which can poison a relationship.

If you need a little boost for setting boundaries, here are a couple of mantras I employ regularly:

* “Choose discomfort over resentment.” -Brene Brown

* “Clarity is kindness.” -probably also Brene Brown?

For further reading, I can heartily recommend therapist Nedra Tawwab, who offers down-to-earth, practical wisdom about boundaries in her book, Set Boundaries, Find Peace. She’s also a solid Instagram follow.

How are you when it comes to setting boundaries? Do you agree or disagree that feeling “pissed off at the world” is usually the result of a boundary issue? Do you have any tips or tricks for setting and enforcing boundaries?

As always, I love to hear feedback from y’all in the comments or via DM or email!

Heretic Hereafter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

BONUS MATERIALS:

* more about the importance of limits

* this boundary-related humorous vid

* and this one’s just for LOLs

Get full access to Heretic Hereafter at heretichereafter.substack.com/subscribe