is still snowing here so my place is nice and quiet and it has been pretty quiet for the last number of days the snow really absorbs the noise and also slows the cars down and so many things and I realized this is sort of a video journal to myself they talk about how journaling is powerful and I've done a lot of journaling in the past but now it seems i'm doing this video self open dialogue journal and yesterday i randomly took out some of my old notebooks and i have two that I filled when I was in the psych ward in April and then I have a bunch that I wrote in the two years before that but especially in my second mania which was februari of 2015 I did a lot of writing then and afterwards and a lot of that writing from what I remember was based on my desire to come off medications so there's stuff about that and I think more like positive statements of things and then I have the stuff that i wrote the very first time i went into that state of consciousness five and a half years ago and at some point i think it would be fascinating to read through some of that but i feel i feel a little bit in in transition of some sort almost like that gesture that behavior of me taking out those old notebooks is almost saying to myself while there's something that I want to revisit and to me I think it's again partly calling me towards the fact that i would like to be off medications and and sort of living beyond the paradigm of mental illness and in a way being able to say while it served its purpose but i don't really want to participate in that anymore and I think that's why I feel conflicted in the job that I'm doing as well is that I don't want to be in the paradigm personally and I don't I'd rather put my energy towards something else like bringing ecp are here and things like that and I was thinking about how it's sort of like watching the news I don't watch the news because I find it bothersome and negative and in the same way going into that paradigm is like participating in it when it is negative and father some there's a lot of great aspects and there's a lot of great people working in it but they're given a framework to work in that is starting at such a deficit that a lot of the work that needs to be done to help somebody recover is the fact that the deficit that the paradigm itself creates so I'd rather help myself out of the paradigm and then maybe inspire other people to to do the same and it could be a little bit scary but and so the things I want to talk about to myself now I'm not sure it's like a mix of what I was talking about before and I feel like right now I have no idea what I was talking about before a bunch of contextual stuff that might be handy for myself and those insights and thoughts might actually come into my brain in the moments that I need them going forward because it could be some scary times and I've had some subtle insights lately that I could just say to myself for the sake of saying it but I haven't really unfolded what the implications are of them like I had this this insight that it's the position ality that needs medicating so as soon as I take a position ality on something for or against I've created duality like I've created me versus the other and it's that me that entity that takes a position ality that needs medicating so by going into mainstream paradigm I automatically am creating a me with a position ality because I do feel like I have a position against or it's not really against it's just I definitely feel the tension of the things that I see that I don't agree with so creates that positionality of me versus them or me versus the other and so I might be able to design a life where I don't have that sense of a position ality and if I don't have that sense of a position ality it's that me that needs the bandaid that needs medicating so by not creating a me by not putting myself in those scenarios where there is that sense of me a me that needs to defend myself even if it's just implicit if it's not an explicit thing that's happening it's sort of creating that entity which needs the medication because that entity is the position ality and the position ality is what creates stress it's like feeling that sense of self that is stressed out whereas if I don't put myself in that poisonous scenario maybe I won't have to have medication to be able to maintain that position ality if I'm just not subjecting myself to that and the position allottee feels like force whereas going with something that's just naturally in alignment with my being so I don't have to feel this pressure of myself versus other I think that's more powerful just the word recovery just makes me feel angry because to me in that process and consciousness from what I've experienced there's other faculties of what it means to naturally be human that are trying to re arise they were already there when we were young and they atrophied and if we would have continued with those lines of intelligence those natural human faculties they probably would have flowered into something even more rich and beyond what we did experience as children with those faculties so when the conditioning is starting to fail and those other faculties are starting to arise and it's confusing instead of being supported to integrate with those other intelligences we're being medicated into keeping that sort of dopamine thing that's trying to disintegrate together and then as an article I read said it causes the brain to shrink well it's because the medications prevent this other stuff from arising which is what is supposed to fill in the other circuits in the brain the dopamine part is supposed to shrink but it's stopping the other part from arising and flowering and from people connecting with that and I came across this book called on our own patient controlled alternatives to the mental health system and i think it was originally written in the early 70s and was written by judy chamberlain and i had heard her name before but i just came across this book yesterday and i didn't buy it yet i read the little bit that can be read on amazon it says in the book intro that there's a network against psychiatric assault in san francisco those are some pretty strong words but i feel what happened to me and April was like a psychiatric assault for sure and that's another reason why I'm struggling going back to work in the paradigm it could be a worthwhile read though I think it will be for me because that's what I'm interested in actually is alternatives led by people who have experienced the system and so for me my motivation is not just about coming off medication and then living my own happy life it's about coming off medication and then hopefully helping people see that it's possible that they might be able to do the same and I think it's important to also have safety that's why I have my advanced directive my zaps trap safety from the system safety from myself and that's why I want to bring ecp are here to have psychologically safe environment for people to actually be able to go through these psychologically difficult experiences to me it's like the psyche everything stored in the body is coming out and needs to be processed in order for one to actually let it go it's definitely a fascinating thing I've been talking about stuff to myself that's sort of intangible and I don't know I feel like maybe the next bit is harvesting my manias and one of them was about a lot of research and insights around getting off of medication so that could be the driving force there so maybe the next part of myself dialogue to myself will be around coming off medication or looking into what it was that I was researching about coming off medication maybe there were some insights and ideas about nutrition or different things that I forget because that was like two years ago I think too that when the healing voices movie comes out that might give me some inspiration too and when I was looking stuff up yesterday I came across the term neuro diversity again and I was talking in earlier videos about perceptual diversity and the neurodiversity term actually came from a book about autism and they talked about neuro tribes and how not only do we have gender differences and things but we have neuro tribes or as Timothy Leary would say brain casts and so it says neuro diversity is an approach to learning and disability that suggests that diverse neurological conditions appear as a result of normal variation in human in the human genome neural diversity originated in the late 1990s as a challenge to prevailing views of neurological diversity as inherently pathological instead asserting that neurological differences should be recognized and respected as a social category on par with gender ethnicity sexual orientation or disability status and this is from Wikipedia there is a neuro diversity movement which is an international civil rights movement that has the autism rights movement as its most influential sub movement this movement frames autism bipolarity and other neuro types as natural human variation rather than a pathology or disorder and its advocates reject the idea that neurological differences need to be or can be cured as they believe them to be authentic forms of human diversity self-expression and being and part of it says allow those who are neurodivergent to live their lives as they are rather than being coerced or forced to adopt uncritically accepted ideas of normality or to conform to a clinical ideal and to me it's pretty awesome because they're sort of putting autism and bipolarity etc as neurodivergent and I would actually say I would change that because to say neurodivergent like diverging from normality implicitly says that it's bad in a way i would say neuro emergent autism is emerging more and more and more and that must mean that it's necessary and people with bipolar t that's an emergent thing and I feel like they're very similar processes both I've talked about how it's sort of to shut down the prefrontal cortex by necessity because that is what is destroying the planet so not only are some of these neuro tribes different I think they're also important and emergent so i would say neuro emergent and i think with the bipolar situation these other faculties that we have as human beings are coming back online I feel like with the shutting down of the prefrontal cortex whether it's somebody emerges that way when they're born or whether somebody starts to emerge that way later on in life through say bipolar or something it's sort of like the prefrontal cortex or the ego me is the dominant linear paradigm of the brain and all our brains have that circuitry and is very dense and if you think of the collective brain of humanity if it's all in that channel it's not being diverse enough so some people are now being born with autism more and more and and bipolar later on and it's like these other neural pathways these other networks of the brain are emerging before they never thought that the brain really changed after a certain age but i think the brain is very very pliable and no plastic and that's what dr. Daniel Siegel talks about when he says the mind uses the brain to create itself well the mind is creating different brains in order for the mind to be created through brains because the mind is just being created through egocentric brains and it can't go on like that so there is a selective pressure for brains to change like that during life which goes against what we feel is true because we feel a person is their personality and it's not really so it's just a persona it's just programming so when somebody starts to act differently we think that something is wrong with them when really it's just the fact that the brain can change and it's not really there's no solid me in there anywhere there's no real test for mental illness because the thing that is becoming ill isn't a thing at all it's the ego structure and it's just a structure of words and thoughts it's there's no reality to it at all and then it starts to break down and we think oh my gosh like what's happening to the person 1 it's the falseness that's falling away for something more true to flower in its place and I think the interesting thing about this brain change that happens whether it's in a person that goes through a supposed bipolar process or whether it's a child that's going through an autism process I think for those other circuits to come online it takes a lot of love and understanding and the interesting thing is that when one goes at least in the bipolar process I feel that one connects with love and understanding and all those things but then it actually takes the love and understanding of others to allow it to to grow because when it when it's breaking down when the ego is breaking down it can be kind of chaotic and if it's met with fear and then medication then that's obviously going to stop the process from happening I really feel like it's a second birth it's it's a berth in to a different consciousness into a different neuro tribe that's actually needed it's a metamorphosis as the transformation and it seems reality isn't safe for neuro diversity and I thought of a matte con intention I thought of every time I smile I forgive those who would trespass on my consciousness as it is all one and I think that relates to neuro diversity and I was reading some literature talking about person-centered approach to recovery and I was thinking about if I was to take an approach I would want to take a gift centered approach what was what are your gifts what is emerging what is arising sure there's like this other stuff sort of falling away and that's confusing but what is arising what is emerging and what are your visions and diverse abilities and it would be services based on what a person can give to the world with these new abilities and it's important to actually start to utilize them right away to see if they're going to unfold and flower because I I'm just thinking of this now so if somebody gets acquainted with an ability and then is medicated away from it and then 10 years go by well that ability probably would have atrophied for sure so it's important to practice and keep using one's abilities and gifts that one gains if one wants to so I feel like it's possible that one's troubles will fall away when one moves towards harvest practice and body and utilizing ones gifts in an altruistic way and I feel like by sitting here talking i'm not really doing that but at the same time i'm hoping that my gift will be to be able to create safety and and by talking to myself and creating my own safety i hope and then i'm part of the gift centered approaches they talk about how it's important to say well what happened to you versus what's wrong with you i think it could be more powerful to say not just what happened to you but what are you going to make happen with your gifts and your visions even if i ask myself that I feel like what I'm going to make happen is psychological safety for myself and the community to feel safe in being neuro emergent or neurodivergent a different neuro tribe and just as it's important to have males and females in order to procreate it's important to have different neuro tribes in order to co-create and so I want to make that happen the psychological safety I want to make it happen that I come off medications and I'm able to say I'm of a different neural tribe or I'm trans consciousness or or whatever it is that I want to say oh I'm bipolar disposition doesn't mean it's a medical disease and being able to help people create their own context in order for one to move towards one's best self because I feel like that process that neuro emergent process that trans conscious process is trying to move us towards our best self for the benefit of society and hopefully by talking to myself like this and moving myself towards that and I could release these videos of myself talking to myself now but I'd rather wait until I've come off medications and part of it too is I want to talk to myself while I'm coming off medications and I don't know what I'm going to do that I i want to bring ecp are here either in February or sep tember and I'll probably know better in the next couple of days and i was saying i don't remember even if i said this as that i want to make this area the most psychologically safe so just like a lot of people come to canada because it's safer then say their country is it would be cool that if people would come to Canada because it's the most psychologically safe for neurodiversity for perceptual diversity for experiential diversity for diversity and consciousness not just physical diversity that it's already important that that is I don't even want to say accept it because that is like saying there's something to accept like oh I have to accept you that is just a ridiculous notion so even having acceptance of neurodiversity is kind of ridiculous listen away because it's already a fact it's part of the universe as part of consciousness so I don't know and the ego is what has designed society and all our thinking and our thought and so these other neural networks is neurodiversity is coming in and making us diverge from society in a way we need to create something different with this divergence and I feel like we're actually in recovery from society and how traumatic it is and we're trying to live our dreams our dreams aren't necessarily a part of what society has designed for us to move towards that's like a trick it's like a dangling candy in front of us I came across this statement in some peer support literature and it says peer support is about understanding another situation empathetically through the shared experience of emotional and psychological pain and I think what about the shared experience of ecstasy and visions and that's why I talked in earlier videos about harvest practice and body go back to one's visions and one's dreams and one's ideas that one had in the manic consciousness state those are the seeds that need to be planted in consciousness in order to grow a different society for us all to experience so then we can actually exist in higher levels of consciousness because as dr. David Hawkins would say that we can only go as high as the prevailing level of consciousness of our surroundings pretty much we can help it level up a little bit but it's always going to be knocking us down and I think that's actually what's happening with bipolar process is that one goes into those higher levels of consciousness but the collective level of consciousness is so much lower that one has to go back to that but then what one ascertains and what one gains and what one learns and the visions one sees in that level of consciousness can still be something that we can move towards so in recovery they would say Oh move towards your individual little goals and I would say with harvest practice and body would be moved towards the highest vision that you saw for all of humanity and I also talked about how we need to get together to collaborate on this because nobody can carry out the vision by themselves because it's so big it's something one can't do all by oneself one can even build a whole house by oneself for the most part so how is one going to change the entire consciousness by oneself and that's why I feel like it's important that people of that neuro tribe of bipolar disposition or whatever not just work to have one's actions in order in the field of society but also see what actions one can take in order to change the field of society so we don't have to be in order in society in order to function in society we need to actually change society so we might actually not feel the need to even adjust our supposed disorder to society to be in order if we actually are co-creating a different society and that could just even be that the bipolar neuro tribe needs a different reality just like somebody in a wheelchair needs a ramp somebody with bipolar disposition needs to live in a quiet neighborhood for for instance so so designing society around keeping highways away from residential areas etc like it would be different we are not actually noticing the impact these things have on us it could even be the noise that partially is starting to create people to go into this bipolar neuro tribe in their life and be like wow this is this is not good for human consciousness so yeah I don't necessarily want to relate over emotional and psychological pain it would be nice to relate based on the strength based aspects of the bipolar process and I think you know often goes to a scary place and then that's when there's an intervention and then that's sort of what everything is collapsed around is the fear stuff well what about the good aspects and I think it's more powerful to actually act like one is manic when not feeling manic then feeling manic and trying to act normal because if one can act manic like one's embodied manic self when not actually feeling manic then one is actually reap a turning reality based on acting in that way without having to have that energy come in and force us to do it

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