I dreamed about a soldier who is far away, at war. He loves his family more than words can say. He can’t tuck his children in bed at night, or bake them cakes on their birthdays, or be inside that waking house right now, to put the kettle on and light the fire. That’s how I feel I until I learn the way to change a sentence, created by my selfish actions, and one word.

I have caused great pain and loss, to those that I care most about, as a result of greedy, foolish actions. I am very, very sorry. I did things that I’m not proud of, and once I realized how dangerous it was, it felt too late to turn back. I understand the power of my destructive actions now, and the external factors at play. I wish that I could go back in time, and change the mistakes that I’ve made.

Once I’d broken my commitment to be completely honest, that’s when everything went wrong. Rather than tell my partner the truth about what had happened, I lied.

I’ll never forget the sound my partner made when I told him I was leaving. The timing was a total shock to him. I’m so very sorry that I caused my family so much pain.

I am deeply grateful that the father of our children stood up to be a full-time parent, while also working, and maintaining a household while I was completely distracted. My humble and sincere gratitude extends to everyone who’s helped support our family throughout this time of challenge. Thank you all for being there for our kids.

I most certainly both understand and feel, that most of you have been focused on protecting and supporting my ex-husband, throughout this painful and complicated time. It may be difficult to reach inside your hearts after all I’ve done. I understand.

I didn’t appreciate all that I had. I would give anything now, for even just the chance, to be around our children in these precious years while they’re still growing up.

It is my destiny to be a mother. There has never been a truer love, from a mother to her family since before the dawn of time.

I am begging you, dear reader, to reach somewhere deep in your heart, and listen, to my story. The amount of pain and remorse that I feel, as a result of my actions, is profound, and sincere.

I feel I’ve lost touch with so many friends and loved ones through the very nature of this complex tragedy. I’m grateful for your time in reaching deep to somewhere in your heart to consider my words, to hear my honest truth. And perhaps, just as an exercise, to shift your perspective just enough to imagine if it’s possible, that some things that you’ve believed, if there might another side?

It didn’t happen in a natural way, that day I asked for a divorce. We’d just had the most fun, and creative summer that I remember having since we got together. My partner and I were exploring on a dating site, together. A predator reached out to us, and undermined our trust.

It felt like we were making art together, for the first real time. I am shocked at how a stranger took that joy from us, and used it not just maliciously, but in a predatory way. It is so wrong, what Coyote did, that I can’t even find the words for it.

I believed for a while, up until recently, that he couldn’t have been intentionally trying to separate us, because, my heart can’t fathom another human executing such tremendous darkness, given the openhearted love, laughter, and fun we shared within that three-way chat.

I really trusted him. I know my partner did, completely. There is another side to Coyote that I found it difficult to see, at first. I promise you, it’s dangerous, and isolating us from each other was, and still is, his goal to keep me silent.

For him to undermine the trust we shared, exploring something intimate, is an anomaly amongst human behavior. That’s the only way I’m able to make sense of it myself. This level of deception was previously so far beyond the boundaries of my comprehension, that it didn’t seem humanly possible. I maintained a relationship with him for over a year, and still felt that I trusted him.

Coyote designed a plan to separate us. It was driving my imagination wild and there was also something very real and dangerous going on beneath the surface, that was intentionally hidden from my family.

Something happened after my yoga class on 10/5/23. I was dishonest about what happened and it led to an isolating experience.

I met a stranger who looked like Coyote’s profile picture. He said his name was “Jason”, and took me to this barn. We had an encounter that at the time, felt consensual, in the way in which I participated, in.

He threatened me, and I was so confused, driving away that day. I am not saying this to excuse my behavior, or cry for wolf, or “poor me”, “me too” any of that. The plain and simple truth is that it was a sexual assault. The damage was a mind-f**k; designed to hook me into something that I felt was all my fault. I felt scared, alone, and confused. I followed Jason’s ultimatum.

I carried the guilt about this, heavily. With perspective, I can see where I strayed, and crossed a moral line. I also recognize a calculated plan to isolate, followed by a series of complex and coersive situations that I found myself in throughout the year that followed.

I’m finding that I keep repeating this very pattern of behavior, in various ways. I end up doing something that I know is very much not right, while being tempted by external energy. It’s something that I’m working on. I am aware that it must be a major block or issue or edge that is important for me to identify and confront so that I can finally stop repeating it. Life continues to present opportunities for me to grow from this, in various ways.

There is much room for improvement. One thing I am able to do that’s different in the past is notice when it’s happened, and write about it, and learn from it.

It happened all so quickly, I felt confused by the entire situation, and the words he used that lured me, and once the act was over, I felt like what I’d done was so far beyond, had broken such a conscious boundary of trust, that rather than tell the truth about what had happened, I lied.

I can see now that it was my greatest life mistake.

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