Katie Velvet: A Retrospective Mystery

I dreamed about a soldier who is far away, at war. He loves his family more than words can say. He can’t tuck his children in bed at night, or bake them cakes on their birthdays, or be inside that waking house right now, to put the kettle on and light the fire. That’s how I feel I until I learn the way to change a sentence, created by my selfish actions, and one word.

I have caused great pain and loss, to those that I care most about, as a result of greedy, foolish actions. I am very, very sorry. I did things that I’m not proud of, and once I realized how dangerous it was, it felt too late to turn back. I understand the power of my destructive actions now, and the external factors at play. I wish that I could go back in time, and change the mistakes that I’ve made.

Once I’d broken my commitment to be completely honest, that’s when everything went wrong. Rather than tell my partner the truth about what had happened, I lied.

I’ll never forget the sound my partner made when I told him I was leaving. The timing was a total shock to him. I’m so very sorry that I caused my family so much pain.

I am deeply grateful that the father of our children stood up to be a full-time parent, while also working, and maintaining a household while I was completely distracted. My humble and sincere gratitude extends to everyone who’s helped support our family throughout this time of challenge. Thank you all for being there for our kids.

I most certainly both understand and feel, that most of you have been focused on protecting and supporting my ex-husband, throughout this painful and complicated time. It may be difficult to reach inside your hearts after all I’ve done. I understand.

I didn’t appreciate all that I had. I would give anything now, for even just the chance, to be around our children in these precious years while they’re still growing up.

It is my destiny to be a mother. There has never been a truer love, from a mother to her family since before the dawn of time.

I am begging you, dear reader, to reach somewhere deep in your heart, and listen, to my story. The amount of pain and remorse that I feel, as a result of my actions, is profound, and sincere.

I feel I’ve lost touch with so many friends and loved ones through the very nature of this complex tragedy. I’m grateful for your time in reaching deep to somewhere in your heart to consider my words, to hear my honest truth. And perhaps, just as an exercise, to shift your perspective just enough to imagine if it’s possible, that some things that you’ve believed, if there might another side?

It didn’t happen in a natural way, that day I asked for a divorce. We’d just had the most fun, and creative summer that I remember having since we got together. My partner and I were exploring on a dating site, together. A predator reached out to us, and undermined our trust.

It felt like we were making art together, for the first real time. I am shocked at how a stranger took that joy from us, and used it not just maliciously, but in a predatory way. It is so wrong, what Coyote did, that I can’t even find the words for it.

I believed for a while, up until recently, that he couldn’t have been intentionally trying to separate us, because, my heart can’t fathom another human executing such tremendous darkness, given the openhearted love, laughter, and fun we shared within that three-way chat.

I really trusted him. I know my partner did, completely. There is another side to Coyote that I found it difficult to see, at first. I promise you, it’s dangerous, and isolating us from each other was, and still is, his goal to keep me silent.

For him to undermine the trust we shared, exploring something intimate, is an anomaly amongst human behavior. That’s the only way I’m able to make sense of it myself. This level of deception was previously so far beyond the boundaries of my comprehension, that it didn’t seem humanly possible. I maintained a relationship with him for over a year, and still felt that I trusted him.

Coyote designed a plan to separate us. It was driving my imagination wild and there was also something very real and dangerous going on beneath the surface, that was intentionally hidden from my family.

Something happened after my yoga class on 10/5/23. I was dishonest about what happened and it led to an isolating experience.

I met a stranger who looked like Coyote’s profile picture. He said his name was “Jason”, and took me to this barn. We had an encounter that at the time, felt consensual, in the way in which I participated, in.

He threatened me, and I was so confused, driving away that day. I am not saying this to excuse my behavior, or cry for wolf, or “poor me”, “me too” any of that. The plain and simple truth is that it was a sexual assault. The damage was a mind-f**k; designed to hook me into something that I felt was all my fault. I felt scared, alone, and confused. I followed Jason’s ultimatum.

I carried the guilt about this, heavily. With perspective, I can see where I strayed, and crossed a moral line. I also recognize a calculated plan to isolate, followed by a series of complex and coersive situations that I found myself in throughout the year that followed.

I’m finding that I keep repeating this very pattern of behavior, in various ways. I end up doing something that I know is very much not right, while being tempted by external energy. It’s something that I’m working on. I am aware that it must be a major block or issue or edge that is important for me to identify and confront so that I can finally stop repeating it. Life continues to present opportunities for me to grow from this, in various ways.

There is much room for improvement. One thing I am able to do that’s different in the past is notice when it’s happened, and write about it, and learn from it.

It happened all so quickly, I felt confused by the entire situation, and the words he used that lured me, and once the act was over, I felt like what I’d done was so far beyond, had broken such a conscious boundary of trust, that rather than tell the truth about what had happened, I lied.

I can see now that it was my greatest life mistake.

Now we're in another room - where curious girls like Katie are sent away to be stripped of credibility and choices. The breakfast menu in the psych ward offers up the only way to change our fates. Selections of sides and juices by the color are illusions that our voice is still intact.

Katie’s always found strange comfort in her prisons; they come in different forms, you know, and this one lives on such a different part of planet Earth, the address doesn't show up on your map. The membership is so exclusive that the doors have keyholes made of stars, and walls so tight they only open for a song. Sing it for the man behind the pizza counter if you dare, he gives Katie free Italian Ice all night and makes her want to wear her pretty dresses to the store.

This room is silent, cold, with shiny tiles; pencils come in halves in here, there's not much point in writing, Katie’s hospital admission is already underway. After stripping down for God under his cruel florescent lights, she feels like property in a foreign land where no one knows her name.

"Two earrings, gold circles”, Tasha snaps her gum and taps her neon nails as she writes. She takes her time removing objects from the dirty paper bag that carries Katie’s treasures, making catty comments at each item as she writes. “Not real gold”, she says, and makes a point to write those letters big on Katie’s inventory slip. The tired guard is overworked and underpaid; asserts her power like a bully; Katie sees the pain tucked deep beneath her leather skin. On other days, she’d think of something to lift both their spirits, but today her mind is traumatized so bad that she can barely think. She studies carefully how Tasha moves; she’ll need to practice making armor to survive the ride in here.

Katie wonders why her roomies get to leave after a few days, in timely sequence, even though she got the way before they did. Just like with her metal earrings, Katie’s used to flying second class, and in this place, she knows that God is up to something special for her discharge plans.

Oh well, our basement floor is out of soap again today, and towels, no windows anywhere in sight. The heater broke, so 56 degrees will do for now, there's only 2 of us on this floor anyway. That's not enough to hold a group, but isolation's good to help you think. The payphone in the hall is intermittent, and you’ll be lucky to speak with anyone in charge before you stay at least a week.

The outside line will sometimes reach someone you know, but not completely anymore -- no one else but God will understand your story now. He’s got you in a vacuum now, can tune your mind with medicine if that’s what Doctor thinks is best for little girls who lose their way.

After lights go out, Katie lets her salty tears wash all the dirt from each day’s war from off her tired face. She wraps the flannel blanket tight around her for the sensory support she needs to fall asleep. The heavy door opens and shuts, as human eyes look in on her each quarter round the clock, and sound creeps in from secret conversations down the hall.

Sometimes they enter, pacing in a line up to her paper pillow on the plastic bed to see if she’s asleep. Sometimes they wake her up just as she’s falling, jolting her back into focus like a reflex, erasing all the work she did to settle down, she has to start all over now. Katie traces branches with her eyes and waits to face the next disgrace God serves, now that he’s got her in his keep.

In the room that smells like loss and urine, God’s voice is even louder, and he entertains our friends to bedtime stories in HD. We snack on cheez-its & warm pudding, gazing at his pixellated face so he’ll think that we are listening. Meanwhile, our lonely minds weave their own tales, or finish up a puzzle only to find a missing piece.

See that plastic lady, with the weather map behind her, with a spray tan wearing tangerine? She came here too, a couple times, but please don’t ever tell. God f***s her too; he likes me better, but Candy’s fine on nights he needs to rub one out. He lubricates her good for special favors, helped her land her day job, sometimes even pays her rent. God sucked her soul into his server, replacing her insides with his own graphic designs, he always wondered what it’s like to be a girl.

Katie turns into a monster for the four days when she’s bleeding. This period crept up on her, it must be from the meds. God knows her cycle inside out by now, that horny b*****d wants another baby. I already have 3, that’s plenty, with global warming and the price of gas…I told you though, my master runs the show in here, he gets real cranky when he doesn’t get his way. If God finds out my fertile dates, we’ll be so screwed, don't let him see my bathroom trash, okay?

This story’s graphic, but it shows how messed up things can get inside my head since God proposed: Katie feels her cycle start in morning group. No way she’ll risk the asking for a tampon, or her man will surely see. If he knows her time is early, she’ll be fucked. I heard God whisper evil plans to Satan, late last night while they were playing cards.

A trace of Katie's juices leaked onto the plastic chair, despite her tries to hide it. She panicked as she felt God watching from his favorite corner up above. Can she make it to the roll of paper towels before her nosy boss will see? Fake a seizure? Pretend to fall asleep, or simply run and pray the teacher with a heart of gold will offer a distraction? Katie’s mind is racing faster than a train.

Tasha noticed; that we know, the scene unfolding next sounds just like Stephen King. She gossiped to the unit this humiliating story; they teased and taunted Katie constantly for days, in front of men. Wanna know what’s crazy though? That part didn’t even phase her, it was the fear of knowing He knew too that kept her up all night.

See, God said on the morning news he wants to breed her; Katie’s never been so terrified in all her life. He's gonna rape her till she’s pregnant; if it doesn't work, he'll try again another night. Katie screams with all her might for anyone to hear. No one listens, no one's even there. Katie lives alone inside a nightmare that repeats like Groundhog's Day; she can’t wake up no matter how she tries. The doctor wears her favorite sneakers, covers up her cries as paranoia, turns the lights off as he's leaving for the weekend once again.

As awful as this story is, it helps to write, and to remember that I met some angels in there too. Like Mr Rogers says, “look for the helpers, they’ll show up too, when there’s a storm.” Gold can’t buy a ticket to the kind of ride I'm on, I'm learning things I never could in school. How boring would this fairy tale be without some action after all?

It took a year till Katie realized she could choose the songs she listens to again. She threw her phone away, that's really all it took. God roared like thunder, but at least no one is making money while the agents watch her shower anymore.

Sometimes I think God did me a favor. I don’t know where I am in time or space, but I’m writing to you from another side. I used to be too scared to stand outside alone at night, I used to be afraid of unknown things. My heart is raw in places that are wounded, but on the outside I can walk through war, in heels, all by myself. I live without the fear I used to feel from just existing; that makes up for all the apps I threw away.

I’d rather die than keep these words inside for any longer. Katie’s good at keeping secrets, but this one’s way too big for us; we learned in rehab how to turn it over when it feels like that. I know the power of a story, and at least one person’s reading, thanks. I'm super lonely, and just knowing that you're listening makes me feel connected, will you please share this wild fable with your friends?

Leave a copy in the bathroom, in a motel, tucked into a magazine, under a seat. I have a feeling my computer's gonna act all strange after I print this, but you can find me if you need. I'll be here, climbing out of Subspace, at therapy, at meetings, and support groups, all places where the helpers are.

I'm here to say "you're brave, I care, I'm listening", and if no one else said that to you today, I am. Keep going human, don't give up -- you're not alone, I understand.

With love, courage, and tenacity,

Katie Velvet

Does anybody out there talk things through out loud? Either to yourself, your inner child, or to the wild world out there in hopes to reach someone who understands? Thanks for listening to another unfiltered chat with my sidekick Katie Velvet in our quest for understanding and connection.

Healing Through Music & Therapy: My Journey with Panic Attacks

In this video, I share my personal experience of using music as a powerful tool to overcome panic attacks. I discuss how melodies and rhythms have become my lifeline during challenging moments, offering comfort and grounding.

I also express my gratitude for Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), developed by Marcia Linehan, and its impact on my healing journey. Learn how DBT techniques have helped me manage intense emotions and improve my overall well-being.

Discover somatic healing and trauma recovery techniques that have made a significant difference in my life.

If you're struggling with anxiety, panic attacks, or trauma, this video offers hope and practical tools that might help you too. Remember, you're not alone in this journey.

#PanicAttackRecovery #MusicTherapy #DBT #SomaticHealing #TraumaRecovery

Subscribe for more videos on mental health, healing, and personal growth!

Do you remember the first time you wanted to sing? That mix of excitement and terror, the way your heart raced, your palms sweated? I do! It's that universal moment of "Can I really do this?" that connects us all.

In "Learning to Fly," we dive into this very human experience of facing fears and finding courage.

We discovered how sharing our voice (even when it shakes), can lead to change, growth and meaningful connections.

Every voice you admire once trembled with the same fears you might be feeling. But here's the beautiful truth: your voice, with all its unique qualities, deserves to be heard. It's not about perfection, it's about connection, expression, and the courage to be yourself.

We're all in this together, and I'd love to hear your story!

What was it like when you first sang for others? What song was it & how did you feel?

How do you comfort yourself when nerves take over?

What would you say to someone who's scared but longing to sing?

Thanks for listening to love!

Hello fellow listeners! Many thanks to all who've subscribed and followed. I'm having a blast with this project and eager to see it grow.

As the host of "Listen to Love," I've been sharing my journey of learning guitar and exploring the transformative power of music. Yesterday felt like a milestone on this path; I shared my story in a meeting, which opened up an inspiring conversation about the barriers many face in pursuing musicianship.

We discussed how people often feel they're not "allowed" to access musicianship, or how life's hardships and challenges get in the way. Many become overwhelmed by imposter syndrome or insecurity. Reflecting on my own journey, I've experienced all these feelings at one time or another. I'm incredibly grateful to have arrived at a place of self-love and confidence. If you've ever felt these things and wanted to play music, I hope my story inspires you to try.

I left the meeting feeling inspired and excited to explore these topics further in the podcast and in my daily life as my musical journey unfolds. Last night marked a pivotal moment in this adventure – I performed my very first original song at a songwriters circle.

The song, fittingly titled "Listen to Love," is the culmination of a few weeks of practice and a lifetime of emotions. Standing there, guitar in hand, I felt a mix of nervousness and excitement. I'm working hard to overcome a lifelong struggle with stage fright.

Even when doing karaoke with friends, I've experienced intense physical reactions – nausea, shakiness, forgetting lyrics or chords. I find myself unsure where to look or how to stand. The guitar, at least, gives me something to hold onto, both literally and figuratively.

This experience has been both exhilarating and challenging. I'm thrilled to share my music with an audience and am preparing for my first open mic on Monday at the Colony in Woodstock (I’d love to see you there!).

But mostly, I felt good. There's something incredibly validating about sharing a piece of yourself through music and having others listen.

I know I'm not alone in this. Many musicians, both amateur and professional, grapple with performance anxiety. So, I'm turning to you, my dear listeners, for support and advice. Can you relate to these feelings? How do you manage stage fright? What strategies have worked for you when performing?

Your experiences and insights could be invaluable not just for me, but for others in our community who are on similar journeys. Let's create a dialogue about overcoming these challenges and embracing the joy of sharing our music.

Remember, it's never too late to start, to learn, to grow. Whether you're picking up an instrument for the first time or returning after a long hiatus, every small step is a victory. Let's celebrate these moments together and continue to listen to love in all its forms.

Share your thoughts and advice in the comments below. Let's support each other in our musical adventures!

#ListenToLove #BeginnerMusician #StageFright #MusicCommunity

Join Caitlin Lord as she embarks on her musical journey with the arrival of her first guitar. In this heartfelt premiere episode, Caitlin shares the profound emotions of this moment, likening the sweetness and power to the experience of childbirth.

As Caitlin explores easy three-chord songs to begin her practice, she finds unexpected inspiration in "Save Tonight" by Eagle Eye Cherry. This song, resonating with themes of life transitions, becomes a poignant reflection of Caitlin's own path - overcoming addiction, breaking stagnant patterns, and rebuilding a life filled with creativity and joy.

Discover how the simple act of bringing a guitar home opens a door to self-expression, personal growth, and a rekindled love for making art and music. "Of The Beginning" is more than just the start of a guitar journey; it's a celebration of new beginnings, resilience, and the transformative power of music.

Tune in to experience the first steps of Caitlin's "Listen to Love" adventure, where every strum is a step towards a harmonious future.

#ListenToLove #NewBeginnings #MusicHeals​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​

Today we're diving into Woody Guthrie's "Deportees (Plane Wreck at Los Gatos)," a protest song that moved me deeply as a child and continues to resonate as I learn to play it on guitar.

Written in 1948, this folk ballad was inspired by a plane crash that killed 28 migrant workers, unnamed in news reports. Guthrie's lyrics, addressing immigrant rights and human dignity, gave voice to those dismissed as mere "deportees."

Join me in examining this powerful piece that first captured my young imagination and now, as I strum its chords, reminds us of the ongoing struggle for immigrant rights and human compassion.​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​

Hosted by Caitlin Lord, a lifelong music enthusiast and budding guitarist, "Listen to Love" explores those magical moments when a song becomes more than just a melody – it becomes a part of our story.

We invite guests to share their most profound musical experiences, from the song that inspired a career in music to the track that got someone through their darkest hour, we share stories behind the music that shapes us.

"Listen to Love" is a celebration of human connection, emotion, and the universal language of song. Join us as we turn up the volume on life's most beautiful soundtrack!

For years, I’ve been searching for a feeling - thinking it would come from a person or a life-changing event.

Holding my guitar for the first time, I feel a rush of love so pure, it rivals only the love I have for my children. I’m having a blast learning how to play guitar, and simultaneously finding a piece of myself I never knew was missing.

In this new union with music, I've discovered a sense of home - a place where my soul resonates freely, and I feel like myself again.

Please join me on my journey of falling in love with the guitar, and in turn, rediscovering myself.

#listentolove #podcast #comingsoon