Bob gets hassled at the car wash while Miles finds love at the WWII museum in New Orleans.

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waiting for it i know i’m coming out so you better get the party started oh that’s i’m coming up oh really Hey, everyone. Miles Tartle with the Static Radio Show. Thanks for pulling up a chair and listening. Maybe I’m coming out and not coming up. Some people said you were coming out. Yeah, could be. Could be. Never know on these things. Yeah. Things happen. People, people, people happen. Things happen. You and your friend Kip. What a day for a daydream. Oh, Miles. So I think the vacation’s still happening in this world, even though it’s not happening in my world. Yes. But I have a couple of pre-vacation stories for you. So getting ready for vacation. Right. Kind of. Okay. So the first one is…
So we drove up to Michigan and we got, you know, the van and the six seater and everybody went together in the van. So before we were going to go up there, I’m like, you know, we got to clean this thing up because it’s filthy. You know what I’m saying? With your jizz rags and stuff. No, come on now. So I’m like, So I had taken my… Jizz rags. No, my children’s hassle. They had jizz rags too? No. So I had taken my kids. We went and went bowling for fun. Bowling? Bowling. Bowling. the outrageousness of it. We went bowling, you see? And, uh, so we went bowling. So after bowling i’m like i’ll take you i’ll take you bowling and then afterwards you know will you help me clean out this van? So we’ll be ready to load up, you know, in a day here. So we can head out to go on vacation. What are the crusty tissues, dad? Yeah. Yeah. I go, miles was in the van.
Don’t worry, boss. Two years ago, he was here. You keep saying there’s Krugerians in here, but no. I have them now, assholes. Oh, good. Well, hey, good for you. So we go bowling. We have some fun bowling and playing some video games and whatnot. Who won? My daughter’s boyfriend won one game. Ezekiel. Good. He did good. Ezekiel. Zeke, as we call him. Zeke. Ezekiel, yeah. And then I won the first game. We just played two. Did you do like a granny thing where you kind of go low? No, I know how to bowl, my friend. Oh, really? Oh, yes. I mean, not well, but I actually know how to throw the ball like a normal bowling person. I thought your large hips would get in the way of you, like, you know, doing it. Thank you. Yeah. I had to go around it? No. Yeah. So, yeah. So, we went bullets. And then afterwards, I’m like, okay, now here comes the work, right? So, I’m like, in town, there’s, like, there’s a couple, three, like, you know, fancy car washes where you get your, you drive, you know, you go in and it grabs your car’s wheel and pulls you through the car wash.
Car wash. Car wash. You youngsters have never seen Car Wash. No one’s going to know what that is. No one will know what that is. No, you should watch it. It’s an old movie. I know it’s an old movie. My God. It’s a great movie. It’s fantastic. It tells you all about working at a car wash. It does. And then it has good songs as well. George Carlin was in it too. I think. Yeah. I just mentioned that he’s a cab driver. So, um, we, I go, well, there’s a new one. So we just, so we try out the new one rather than going to the same old one. Plus the old one, we have to, it’s further away. Yeah. They’re all like, yeah, sure. Whatever, you know, whatever, you know, what do you, whatever you want to do, old man, I’ve got, you know, I got, uh, tricked into cleaning the car.
for a couple games of bowling. List your title. You got any whippets? I don’t have no whippets. So we go up to, and I’ll tell you the name of the place because it’s a chain of places. It’s called the Car Club Car Wash. Of all the Ks, I bet, right? No, no, no Ks. Oh, okay. The Car Club. C C C W C C C C senior. So the, um, so I’m like, okay, you know, the other car wash, you just pull up to the little kiosk and you punch in, you know, and you swipe your card and it tells you when to pull forward, you know, and then some, you know, guy has this pathetic hose that sprays down your car before you actually enter the car wash.
My home is a very big sack. Sorry. His job is basically so you don’t gun it through the car wash and wreck into everything and tear the place up, I guess. Right. Put it in neutral. You know. So anyway, I’m like, oh, this should be the same way. Well, I start pulling up and they have the little placards above because there’s several gateways. Right. And I’m like, well, there’s not, it’s the only one to pay. You know, it’s like a thing where they want you to sign up for something and everybody goes to the right. And then the only one where you can just pay for one car wash is all the way to the left. And there’s a person in there. Yeah. And so I pull up and I’m like, yeah, I just want to get the, whatever the regular car wash is. And then of course they go, well, do you want the, do you want the,
$10 car wash? Do you want the $13 car wash? Do you want the $25 car wash? I’m like, no, I just want the $10. I can’t imagine what the hell you’re doing to my car for $25 to clean it. I pulled on my pants a little. I just want the $10 car wash. Oh, and then that’s where the hard sell card’s coming in. But sir, I’m working my way through college. No, yeah. Sir, don’t you want to join the car club for only $20 five dollars a month no you can get your car wash as much as you want no like no i want one are you sure? I mean, and then for thirty dollars you can get the deluxe car. and like, no, I just want a car wash at this point. You know, five people have gone through the other gate. You know, they’ve all given in. They they’re weak. They’ve all bought the subscription to the car wash and are driving right through.
Oh my God, this is the tough… I have bought houses with not as tough a sell as this car wash and their stupid club. Oh my God. It was so rough. I felt like this lady was just trying… She was doing nothing when I pulled up and I think she just wanted to entertain herself for the next 10 minutes trying to get me to buy a stupid club wash thing. Sir, I’m working my way through college and if you don’t do this, I won’t be able to, Have the spring semester. That’s right. I’m not going to make it next year. No, I held firm. I held firm, and we pulled through. I go, I’m never fucking coming back here ever again. Man, if they approach the wrong guy with you, I’d be like, fuck. I go, we are going to go fuck up these vacuums. Yep, yep. I don’t care if…
I want you guys to suck the seat lug nuts out of this thing, into this vacuum. I want you to clean up the whole parking lot with these vacuums. I was so pissed. Oh, the world’s biggest tightwad. I literally just wanted to rinse off this car and basically use the vacuum because those things are tremendously powerful. You know, there’s nothing, nothing. If you stick that thing under the seat, there’s nothing left under there. I like to be a man and do it myself. I like to get the wand out. Oh, good man. Come on. Yeah. I love doing that. You cannot beat these vacuums that they got. That’s the whole scam. The best thing about the whole damn place is the vacuum. No, I agree, but I’m, I like being a man and washing it myself. I like to do that. Oh my. Yeah. Well, yeah. In your white t-shirt out there. It’s good. It’s all wet. My wife beater. I like to wear, go there. My short shorts. Yeah.
It was like a Hardee’s commercial with who was in the Hardee’s commercial where he was washing the car. Was that Paris Hilton or was that somebody else? Mindy Kahn. That, well, you’re, yeah, that would be you. Yes. That was my fantasy. Yeah. Oh, I was so aggravated with the hard sell. I’m like, God damn these people. Sir, don’t you realize what a value this would be, though? Yeah, exactly. Like on and on. I’m like, it’s lucky that I’m even washing the car. I wouldn’t be doing this on a regular day. I mean, I wouldn’t be washing the car. The other place, I mean, sometimes they ask you, sometimes they don’t. You can always use the kiosk. They never, ever ask you more than once. Oh, you want to join the club? Got the club thing. No, thanks. Okay. Go on through.
It’s like this lady was making commissions. Like every time I wash the car, she’s going to get like $5 or something. I guarantee it. I guarantee, man. That’s what that was about. Holy shit. This woman. Christ. I get $3 every time you say yes. If I could turn around, because at this point I’m trapped in a little, you know, concreted area there where you can’t turn around. I would have turned right around. Right. Yeah. I’d be like, uh… These people, I swear, man. I can’t stand them. That’s funny. Yeah, I’m sure. I knew you would love it. You’d be like, oh, yeah. And then the other thing was, before we left, because you know I love a good steak dinner. We went to that steak dinner. The Sizzler. No, it’s better than that. If you would ever, like you came through town, if you would ever stop, I’d take you to this place. It’s great.
But we went there. We go to this place, the steak dinner place, and everybody was there for steak dinner before we took off on the holiday. And so we got our seat and everything. We got this crusty old waitress. I swear to God, she was the crustiest waitress we’ve had in a long time. Just my grits. Yeah, exactly. She comes in, what do you want? She’s very good in waitressing, but very to the point. She’s like, I ain’t got no straws. You got to wait until I come back with some straws. Okay. I’m trying to remember what the setup was, but somebody asked about something. I’ve been waitressing here for 20 years. I don’t give a shit. Just bring me my food. But anyway, it was so funny because then that became the line of the night. I’ve been, whatever it was, I’ve been 20 years. But it was good. And she was a real nice lady. She looked like Large Marge from Pee Wee’s Big Adventure, which didn’t help at all. What do you want, Sweet Cakes?
I’ll just have the steak. Yeah, I’ll have a New York strip. You’re all intimidated. I’ll just have a steak, please. I’ll just have a salad and some rolls. Mr. Salad. Yeah. Oh, they have a great salad, I’m telling you. Mr. Salad. I had salad tonight. I know. Your family always brags every time you eat salad. I’m like, fuck. All right. Well, probably cause I didn’t need it for like 20. The guy eats salad. Great. Yeah. Everyone get excited. Like Jesus. But if you’d ever stopped by, then I, we could go to the steak place. It’s, it’s terrific. It’s just, you’re just down the street from me. So yeah, I couldn’t just go down there. Well, you came through twice recently. So, well, no, you mocked me every time. Like that one time I stopped by your house. It’s like, Oh, you just came here to use my bathroom and poop or something. And you and your family. True.
that was true. He made fun of me. So then I’m like, we’re, we’re basically in grade school at that time. So it’s been a little while. It’s been a while. So, but anyway, Large Marge was telling us all how it’s done in the waitressing world, which was fantastic. But I did, I actually, the kids were a little more, you know, I can’t believe it. And I was kind of like, well, I think that’s the way it is. 20 years. Yeah. And I’m like, 45 years, my life is still trying to get up this great big hill. But I thought she was overall a good waitress, even though she was a little big. cranky. And sexy. In a, you know, hazel from the sitcom kind of way. Hazel. Hello, Mr. B. How are you, Mr. B? I’ve been working here for 20 years. Come here, Mrs. Garrett. Oh, Mr. Drummond. Oh. Oh.
The facts of life started off on different strokes, just in case kids don’t know that. I think I knew that, yes. She was the housekeeper for Mr. Drummond. Yes. Oddly enough, in a meeting today, not me, somebody else said, what are you talking about? Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Don’t do it. It was all appropriate. Don’t do it. Don’t do it. I was surprised. I’m like, wow, a different strokes reference. Go ahead. Yeah. Good figure. Yeah. Mr. Drummond, get your hands off me. This is good. What’s going on with you? Anything? And so, all right. Well, okay. Vacation stories. Let’s just keep going here. I just had so many. I actually have more, but that’s okay. All right. Well, I’m going to squeeze out one or two and see how these go. I mean, they won’t be funny. I don’t know. I’ll squeeze out one. That’s a good way to put it. Thank you. I don’t know. It’s free. It’s a free show. So screw you if you don’t like it. If you don’t laugh, screw you and your family. And so, okay. So I was in New Orleans for just three or four days, very briefly. And of course we saw everything. And of course,
The main thing, of course, a lot of people would say is go to the War Museum, the World War II. That’s what I told you. I’m like, hey. You know, it’s like the beam in Chicago. Was it Dumars? Dumars? What’s the… Café du Monde? Café du Monde. That’s right. Café du Monde. I love that place. I was only there once. I was like, oh, God, I’d go back there. I’d go back there immediately. It was nice. I mean, it’s got nice outdoor seating, good beignets. Uh, the beignet was a lot better than the piece of alligator that I was trying to eat. So yeah. Yeah. Never, never again. I don’t like strange meat in my mouth. Oh, that was one of my, uh, that’s a, that’s a, that leads into a quick story of mine real quick. I had a, uh, an artisan pizza and, uh, it was, uh,
the meat pizza, but I had a piece of mystery meat on it, which was, it wasn’t a sausage. It wasn’t a pepperoni. It wasn’t a bacon. It could have been alligator for all I know. The moral had stopped by and dropped off a tip. Yeah. It was like, it kind of looked like a piece of pineapple, but it did not taste that way. Your wife’s like, that looks like your penis. Small. I didn’t get mushrooms on this. Yeah. Small but tasty. So anyway, you had a good time at the cafe. I had the cafe and all that. So we go to the museum. Go to the cemetery, right? Well, yeah. I was trying to actually talk about the museum before you interrupted me. I was trying to go to the museum. Thank you for interrupting. You’ve been working here for 26 years. Oh, Christ. Good night. My wife
you know, it’s got a bad back. So we actually got her a wheelchair there. You know, my son was pushing her around and you, uh, that’s terrible. I didn’t realize that it was that bad. Yeah. Her back’s fucked up. It’s pretty bad. So, uh, you gotta go all the work around the house. Maybe that’s going to be pretty dirty around here. So anyway, but, uh, but you have to start off with like this pseudo train ride. Right. And, uh, which I like, okay. It’s all right. You know, I don’t know. You seemed excited about it, but I don’t know. I don’t know. And it’s like, I love train ride, love boat rides, train rides, you know? So you gotta, uh, there’s like, they give you these little cards and it’s like, well, put this card up to the thing and it’ll assign you a, a real life person. Right. Yeah. Yeah. So these two, so these two nitwits are seated behind me. My son and my wife are seated behind me and I’m sitting by myself.
And, uh, anyway, I look and I’m some kind of like Swedish woman. I’m like, what? I’m like, Oh, probably not a good, uh, a good choice for you. Yeah. I’m like, what the fuck? I was a whore during the war. I got a lot of information and a lot of, I’m like, So I, I was kind of like sad. I’m like, turned around, you know, it gets over. I turned around, I go, I got some kind of weird woman or something. What’d you guys get? They’re both, they’re both like, oh, we both got Jimmy Stewart. Well, seriously. Yeah. I’m like, what the fuck? How did I, my wife’s like, all right, little cry baby. Give me, give me yours. We’ll just switch. And I flew some missions over here. I wanted to get bingo. My dog bingo.
We’re flying into the Himalayas, and I got a yutty finger. Let’s not go into that story now. Let’s not go into the story. Hey, I’m surprised. Well, you know, Clark Gable was in the war. A lot of people were in the war. Did you know Eddie Albert was a war hero? I believe it. Yeah, I believe it. James Doohan, war hero. Way back when, that was the thing to do. He was Canada, though. Canada. Yeah. That’s all right. I got fingers blowing off and shit. Yeah, I got fingers blowing off. Exactly. Yeah, he’s for real, man. He’s a real deal on you. He did some D-Day BS, man. He did. He did it all. He lost some digits. And so, you know, we wheel off the wife. You know, we start rolling around. We shoved in getting in the corner. Yeah, see? Yeah, see? And I was, like, all wiped out. I’m like, oh, man, I’m tired.
Inga, here’s some nylons and chocolate. Get out of here. And I’ve been, oh, I know, right? I’m like, because it’s like on two or three levels, and this place really is not made for wheelchairs. There’s like all these, like, bumps you got to go over when you go into different rooms. They’re like, bonk. Well, you know, war is hell, my friend. Yeah, I felt bad for my wife because every time it was like, bonk, bonk. Oh, my back. Bonk. Bonk. If I didn’t have to carry your father everywhere, I’d be okay. Yeah. And there’d be rooms like supposed to simulate like something with the floor. So the floor would not be like nice flat concrete. It’s kind of, you know, in uneven. I go, this really is not handicapped accessible. I don’t, I don’t know who they bribed or something, but I love the, uh, where you had to throw the live grenade into the hole and it came out by your feet. That was great. Yeah. I didn’t get to do that. Yeah. Okay. No, I was like,
I was so, I was so constipated during this trip. I go, I’m going to try to go to the bathroom. I just like, like, I’ll see you down with a gift shot. No, I couldn’t like hardly poop. Like only one time that I have like a decent poop. What do you mean? You poop like three times a day. I, I know. And I wasn’t doing it down there. I wasn’t like, like, like deer, you know, like deer. The humidity got to me. Except I, I did eat at cafe Dumont. And, uh, we went to that museum across the street and, uh, that’s where I got the poopies at. I’m like, Oh, great. Yeah. And I’m like, just shot right through you. Yeah. It loosened up everything. I’m like, Holy crap. And I was like, and I go, well, listen, I’ve got the map here. There’s a bathroom and I’m trying to find it. I go, I told my son, I’ll see you later. And I realized afterwards that that map is actually for two completely different buildings. Oh, really? Yeah.
So I was looking at the wrong building. I’m like, where the, this bathroom should be right here. Like, it’s like national treasure. Where’s the bathroom in this museum? I got to go poop. It’s a big museum. I know there’s like, not like the elevator’s broken. I have to go downstairs, you know, crunching the cheeks together. Like one day I was going to have like very loose bowel. It was like, Oh no. Oh no. Jimmy, help me. Jimmy. What, what, what, what? No, that wasn’t at the War Museum. Oh, okay. I don’t know. Well, Miles, I took a shit in my helmet when I arrived. That was not at the War Museum. I still couldn’t go at the War Museum. I tried and tried. And then I had to put it on because we took flack. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah. That’s the Jimmy Stewart story. So, yeah, that was like a false alarm. I’m like, oh,
false alarm? Holy moly. I thought i had to go, and i was like, no. No. See, that happened to me, too, because we were, like, on uh the streetcar. And I thought i felt there’s something coming out of the streetcar. I’m like, this thing is still the capacity. And what if i poop my pants, like, on the streetcar with all these people? Because I’m wearing, like, tan shorts. I go, what if i have, like, you know And luckily nothing happened, but I’m just like, oh. I spilled coffee from Cafe Du Monde on my butt. I didn’t poop my pants every once. And so, anyway, no, so let’s flashback. So the War Museum gets over with, and it was like closing time anyway. Because it was like the 4th of July. Well, it was the 4th of July. So we had to close it. Oh, shit on a firework. Yeah.
What, what, what, what? Bingo. And, uh, there’s some cool, like life-size statues around outside. Right. And of course you got to take your pictures by them and this and that, you know, doing goofy faces around Eisenhower, you know, something like that. And so we get back, you know, it gets over and the next day my son’s laughing. I go, okay, what’s, what’s so funny. He goes. Oh, I got funny pictures of you at the war museum. I hope you’re holding your butt together. I go, what did I? Yeah. I’m like, what funny pictures do you have that are so fun? So he’s got a picture of me. Like I’m almost looking lovingly at someone wearing a Nazi uniform. I’m like, Oh, I go, thanks a lot. You fricking jerk. I was not. I mean, just the look of it. Oh, you know, I look,
He reminded me of Dick Sean from Hitler. Yes. Oh, again. Yeah. Okay. General book. I’m like, thank don’t, I go never show anyone that picture. Will you please just delete that? But the worst, the worst is worse to come. Right. Oh no. Wait till you see this next one. I go, what’s this? He goes, you look like you’re checking out and Frank from behind. I’m like, what? What? The truth comes out. Why would you have this picture? Why? Why? Why? Oh, my God. I don’t know. You’re like, this work in bronze is pretty good. That’s terrible. What the fuck? How come Anne Frank’s butt’s more shiny than the rest of her? Yeah, right? Yeah, all these weirdos, yeah. Yeah. That’s great. I love the fact that you’re, you know. I was not, even though the picture kind of looks like it, I was not doing that. I’d like to be an entry in her diary. Oh, my God. I don’t know why. Why? Why does he have these pictures of me? I have no funny pictures of him.
Well, I have one funny one, but I can’t go into that. Oh, you can’t go into that? Yeah. You ogling Anne Frank. I was not ogling Anne Frank. By a Nazi, it’s no big deal. I know. I’m like looking down at his feet like, ooh. I don’t know. I just love a man in uniform. I love that rock. Oh, my God. I can’t believe you’re ogling Anne Frank. I was not ogling Anne Frank. The picture just looks like it, but I wasn’t. Pictures don’t lie, my friend. Pictures don’t lie. I guess. I don’t know. I don’t know, man. If only I was born a generation before. Well, at least it wasn’t Eisenhower, I guess. Who knows? Well, you’re into the older ones. Yeah, that’s true. True, true.
You like the older ones. Yeah. Well, thank you, baby Bo Cephas, my son. You post them. These were not Photoshopped. This is my actual father’s reaction. My dad acting inappropriately, you know. Oh, my God. I wish I could have been a Nazi in Indiana Jones. Yeah. Yeah. Well, that’s great. I’m glad that you met your jollies down at the World War II Museum. I guess. I don’t know. Pictures don’t lie, I guess. Well, thank goodness you didn’t poop on the streetcar. That’s all I got to say. All those people should have a sigh of relief given what could have happened. I know. That thing stops a lot, too. Good for you.