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Miles tells a political pollster that his wife has passed away, while Bob skates through a convenience-store wedding party.

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Static Radio – Judy’s Kitchen

Miles tells a political pollster that his wife has passed away, while Bob skates through a convenience-store wedding party.

Bad AI Transcript

rrrrrrrrrrrrrr You’re the best thing that ever happened to me. Hey everyone, this is Miles. Welcome to Static. Thank you. I’m going to get all misty-eyed here. I know. That’s what I was hoping for. Goodness gracious. You don’t hear things like that every day. Well, I just thought, you know, you might need it after you travel so much. The truth comes out eventually, everyone. Yep. The truth comes out. It comes out. How you doing, Miles? You doing okay tonight? How’s your, you know, frailties? You know, had not all my friends left me, you would be further down the list, unfortunately. Lucky for me. Yeah. Yeah, thank you. I’m kind of divorced from all my friends at this point, so yeah. Well, yeah. I’m stuck with you, so. Maybe I should get divorced, because then I can get some alimony at least.
I mean, you’re kind of like my Wilson. You know what I’m saying? Wilson! I mean, you’re just like this stupid head with a stupid face. You have to think. The Wilson thing. That’s Tom Hanks. Just move it to bosom buddies. Exact same expressions at everything. There’s no… His acting, there’s no difference between Tom Hanks in Bosom Buddies and Tom Hanks… Castaway. Absolutely none. Peter! Peter Scolari! Right? Buffy! Buffy and Hildy! Hildy or something. I watched that show. I did watch that show. I don’t care what they say anymore. This is my life. leave me alone yeah there’s no, I don’t know how tom hanks is, everybody’s like, he’s so great because i mean you can, you can play these things together and they would be the exact same. You just have buffy and Wilson. Just swap some word you know, names in there.
Yeah, I was watching Gray Wolf or Gray Lady or whatever the hell it’s called. It’s like the movie, by the way. I go, man, that’s his exact same role as Booth and Buddies. I mean, you put them side by side. That captain fighting the Nazis is just like Hildy. He always plays a character named Kip. He was Captain Kip. Yeah, right. Even in the one where he gets the pirates come and get him. Captain Kip. You know, he mixed in Captain Phillips, Grey Lady. What is that? Is it Grey Lady? Or what is that called? Grey Lady. Grey Lady. No, come on. What is that called? Is that Grey Lady? Grey Lady Town, I think is what it was called. He plays the same character in every movie. It’s weird. I was watching that, and then I watched Bachelor Party. I’m like, oh, my God. It’s insane. It is the same performance. From Decatur, Illinois. Oh, my God.
Yeah. See, Wolf Captain. Same performance. Same guy, so limited. I love it when it came through the, you know, the little airlock area, and he’s holding the door because you guys, oh, what’s going on? Oh, no. There’s a topless woman on the bridge. What? It’s all like more your Barney Fife. I know. Unfortunately, I don’t really have a good time. Do Barney Fife doing that line again. I want to hear that again. Which one? There’s a topless woman on the roof. What? There’s a topless woman on the roof? foster girl. I think they need to recast that whole movie. That great lady. I have to work on my tom hanks impression well son there you go. You see the nazis submarine and the dude. Colin Hanks has more range than tom Hanks, which is interesting. No, I don’t know. Oh yeah. Oh, Chet Hanks.
Anyway. No, Chet Hanks, I will agree with you. Yes, he’s a star. Did you notice Woody is the same as the guy in Philadelphia? Did you notice that at all? I didn’t notice that. I did. Settle down, man. Settle down. Oh, man. He’s like, there’s a snake in my boot. That line was in Philadelphia, the courtroom. Yeah, all right. Trails your snake. All right. We didn’t even get into Polar Express. Damn it. That’s right. All right, we better cut it. Even worse, the Polar Express is the creepiest thing ever. Yeah. Why people like that is beyond me. It’s so freaking creepy. Oh, you just like Eddie Deason. Yeah, well… Although I’ve met Eddie Deason, actually. Have you really? Yes, I did. I had to wait. He was late showing up, believe it or not. Sorry, I’m late. I stuck on the Ferris wheel. Mike, you stupid. Oh, my goodness. Well, I don’t have any stories about celebrities this week, but.
Well, that’s the end of the show. Thank you, everyone, for listening, and good night. I did meet Tom Hanks at a Dickie Bub’s store. No, I didn’t. So I complained about having to work over the weekend before we started recording, and then you, of course, mentioned it and everything. i drive across for my work, I have to, I go all over Missouri. Sometimes I go other places, right? I had to go to texas and you know, I go various places. I’ve had to go to las vegas and california and all this kind of stuff so hollywood redwood that’s right yeah i love l.a um so anyway i had to go to jefferson city in missouri state Capitol. And I took a picture of the state capital out my hotel window and sent it to you. And you’re like, what’s that? There’s a snake in my boot. There’s one in my pants. And so anyway, I had to spend my Saturday in Jefferson City. And so then whenever I got done, I drive Highway 70. Highway 70 is the main highway that bisects from east to west the state of Missouri.
And it is a killer highway. A lot of people die on it. There’s always traffic jams and things backed up for miles and everything. And I’ve had to drive it now for over 30 some years. So anyway, I get done with my thing in Jefferson city and I’ve always been told all these years are like, don’t go down 70, go down this high, like rural highway 50. Especially in the fall. Right. It’s beautiful. It’s beautiful. Was it like a man in like a Nazi uniform that told you that? My friend Belak, he told me. No, no. People have told me this over the years. And I’ve never gone down Highway 50. And so I was there. And I got to leave a little bit early, which is not the norm. And I’m like, it’s only about 10 or 15 minutes longer, it says on the map, you know.
I’ve told all these years, never had a maps option until recently. But anyway, I’m like, I’m going to go down Highway 50 on the way home. And I do. It was beautiful. It’s rolling hills. You go up and down. You and Bellock. Yeah. You and Bellock from Raiders. Go ahead. Blow it back. Go ahead. Go ahead, Bob. Eat onion rings. Blow it back to God. Let’s blow it back to God. To God. And so I’m driving down highway 50. It’s just, it’s beautiful. It’s great. You know, you should, you should drive it. I was, they were all right. And I’ve been ignoring them for, you know, decades. Yeah. And so I’m enjoying myself now, you know, I’m like, wait a minute. I’m going to have to get gas. Yeah.
I didn’t even think of this. I didn’t even think about this. You know, and I’m also, I’m very hyper vigilant about where I stop, you know. I believe this to use the restroom, and I know all the restrooms that I like to stop at on highway 70, which I got a new one. I talked about it a few weeks ago. I don’t know any restrooms on highway 50, and I don’t even know if there’s going to be a gas station. I mean, this is like not a major highway. This is, you know, a county, you know, state highway kind of situation. Luckily though, there was plenty of little towns along the way, you know, but you know, I, I like Casey’s, but they don’t always have the cleanest bathrooms. Agreed. Agreed. So they’re not like, they’re like emergency stop, not high on the list. Right. Um,
And so I passed a few cases, and then I was coming up on the biggest town on this route until I got to, you know, closer to St. Louis, which was called Union, Missouri. All right. Have you ever been to Union, Missouri? Thankfully, no. Oh, it’s a nice little town. I would love to live in Union. What struck me, two things struck me. One was good. One was bad. I was driving by the local college, probably a community college in days gone by that’s now just a college. I don’t know how they changed the names. I have no idea. They had a big sign, like one of those electronic signs, and it said, come tonight to watch Blade Runner with film discussion afterwards.
Ooh, I’m there. I’m like, why did they do cool shit like that whenever I was, you know? I know. I’d stay and watch Blade Runner again. Oh, yes. Anyway, so I thought that was really cool, and I thought, this is the place to stop. Look, they have Blade Runner playing at the college for free, and they’re going to discuss it. And I think you’re a replicant. That’s right. That’s right. I’m sure you’re not human. I’m sure you’re a replicant. Yeah. What do you, how do you react whenever you see a snake? All right. Yeah. I go, it’s in my boot. And then, uh, so then I come up to like the, the, you know, kind of the bigger area of businesses, you know, with all the different McDonald’s and all that kind of stuff. And there’s several gas stations and I, I’m low on gas at this point.
Cause I didn’t fill up ahead of time and I have to take a whiz. And so I pull in, I’m like, I got like mobile, you know, 66 and they have a QT. Yeah. QT is called quick trip here in the area. I don’t know if people have those elsewhere, but QT. And I’m like, I’m choosing the, I’m choosing the QT. Yeah. It looks to be the biggest convenience store amongst the corner gas stations. And I’m going to choose the QT. Because sometimes QTs are hit and miss. So I go ahead and I fill up. And I go into the QT. And this is the greasiest fucking QT I’ve ever been in my life. New York, Missouri, the greasiest QT. I literally felt like I was sliding across the floor. It was like a goddamn ice rink.
It was so greasy. The floor was greasy. The air was greasy. Oh, God. I felt like I was getting enveloped in grease. Bob Lament wouldn’t even screw in here. It’s so dirty and greasy. So I, you know, I slalom over to the bathroom. Slalom. One arm behind your back, the other one you’re kind of back and forth. I’m Eric Heiden or whatever his name is. Yeah, yeah. Olympic skater, speed skater. Right, right, right. And so I slide into the bathroom. Thankfully, the bathroom, although not really totally clean, was at least laid out well. And there was an open urinal, so I was good to go there. And so I… And it had the tile all the way up on the side, so it wasn’t like the little flimsy metal providers. I could slide my legs to either side onto the tile wall, hold my position while I floated in the grease.
So I didn’t put on my shoes or anything because it’s just so fucking slippery in there. And so I took care of business. I go wash my hands and dry them. And I still felt like I was dripping with grease. And then I leave… the bathroom, and I’m like, okay, I’m going to get myself something to drink, you know, maybe a little snack. It’s still at least an hour or so before I, you know, get anywhere I want to be. And I start looking around, and I’m like, I got really confused because everybody in there was wearing really nice clothes. Except you. Well, I was dressed for work. I don’t dress as nice as you do, but… I was in a collared shirt and, you know, dress clothes. You pretty much wear like the same thing every day. I do. I really do. Yes. Which I won’t describe because I don’t want to give you away to some, you know, stalker or something. That’s right. Thank you. I do have… It’s an un-uniform. It’s not a uniform, but it is a uniform. Yeah. And so…
my stylist recommended it to me. Um, so, you know, I’m, I’m, you know, what do they call it when you like go back and forth on one skate? I don’t know what they call it. I was doing that through the aisles and, and all these people are dressed like, like way up. And I’m like, is today’s sun? It’s Saturday, isn’t it? Like everybody just got out of church. Right. And they’re all sliding around this quick trip. I don’t know what they’re getting. I was kind of really confused because I thought… Diarrhea, it sounds like. Hopefully they didn’t get the taquitos. Taquitos. I don’t have a Sunday taquitos. That roller taquito looks really tasty. I love it. In gas stations… If I’m buying something, it’s got to be in a sealed bag. It’s like Halloween or whatever. I don’t want any needles or, you know, any kind of weirdness going on there. And so, yeah, so I’m walking around and there’s all these, I mean, these ladies in these dresses that are touching the floor. And I’m like, this is bizarre. And it’s all greasy. And guys in suits, you know, with jackets and ties. Yeah.
When do you ever see that anymore? I know. And I’m like, it’s either like church got out or there was a wedding or something inside the quick trip while I went to the bathroom. I don’t know. That’s weird. It was like a time warp or something. So I got my snack and I left, but I was like, this is just the most bizarre fucking place. I’m like, why? If these people are local, why the hell are in this greasy ass QT? There’s gotta be something nicer. This belongs to that old Robert Stack show, Mystery, I don’t know, Mystery or something. Yeah, that’s right, Unsolved Mysteries. Yeah, Unsolved Mysteries or whatever it is. Why would a man go into a restroom, hold a grease, brace himself by acting like he’s about to be raped, and then… I was hoping for one of the grab bars, like in the stall, you know what I mean? I needed that to hold still. At the urinal. It’s a madhouse!
It’s a bad house. You know when they get ready to push the bobsled down, they’re holding on. I need one of those. Yeah. Sliding around everywhere. So yeah, I couldn’t believe it. I was like, they’re dressed so nicely in this nasty, nasty QT. I don’t usually see that when I go to a gas station. I know. I mean, it was more than just a person. This was like the whole Everybody walking in the aisles was dressed up. I swear to God, they just performed the ceremony. I went to the bathroom. They go, places? They do the ceremony. I come out, and they’re all just standing there. It’s weird. It’s a masquerade. So, yeah, I left Union in my rearview mirror pretty quickly. I was like, holy moly, I don’t know what’s going on here. That’s got to be some kind of churchy thing or something. Yeah, there was something going on. I don’t know. I’m not in a good mood.
into a cult or something. People wearing hats. It was crazy. Anyone wearing a suit now with a tie? I can’t even… Maybe once or twice a year, maybe I see someone dressed up like that. Everybody come from a funeral and then go in there. Let’s go get snacks. Uncle Bob loved to have taquitos after… Gotta have my taquitos. I want to get diarrhea just like my old dead uncle used to get it. But anyway, I mean, Union looked like a really nice town, but somebody needed to mop that fucking floor. Yeah. Yeah. It hadn’t been mopped in quite some time. Oh, so QT and Union, not recommended. No, I should have chose Parley. I should have chose one of the other two corners, I guess. Yeah. It held up for Loves or something. Well, Loves, yeah. See, Buc-ee’s, I love Buc-ee’s, always clean. There’s a place called Wally’s that’s only in Fenton.
And Pontiac, Illinois and Fenton, Missouri. That’s like Bucky’s. It’s like a Bucky’s ripoff. And Love’s is pretty good. Pontiac, Illinois. What the hell’s in Pontiac, Illinois besides a prison? Wally’s is there. No, why is that there, though? I mean, what’s… It’s off the highway on the way to Chicago. I guess. I don’t know. Isn’t there like a women’s prison there or something? Well, you know, a lot of conjugal visits, I guess. Everybody’s going to get snacks on the way. I don’t know. Or while they’re there, if you know what I mean. Whatever. While a jerky. Oh. So anyway, I want to tell the QTN Union, get a mop, some hot water, maybe some type of… It’s not in the budget, sir. Air freshener or some kind of air scrubber or something. I don’t know what’s going on there.
I walked out of there and felt like I ate a pound of bacon or something. I was like, yeah. What’s happening? Yeah, exactly. I go, ah! Wilson! Ah! So anyway, that’s my advice. And so now I will try to go down that road again at some point and actually find a good bathroom, but not this time. Right. Right. I’ll tell, I’ll, I’ll help everybody to it once I find it. So, right. What’s going on with you, sir? So I was going to go, boy, and I had all these stories and I’m like, man, I was trying to decide and then something else happened tonight. And I’m like, well, wait a minute now. Hold on. Well, I won the lottery and I thought I should probably talk about that. I pulled the tab and there tabs out the bar.
you know i’ve had uh you know in recent weeks i’ve had, you know, certain weirdos come to my door and i do have a door camera now and uh it’s it i think yours is called like a wing or something. It’s not actually a brand name camera. It’s a pinhole camera. Yeah. it takes a long time to develop the, uh, hold on. Wait, I can’t see you. Hold still. Don’t move. Stay there guys. Don’t move. And, uh, I noticed like in the last month or so, about two, three times now, something like, you know, young hippie looking dude, like you, uh, like a young Bob lament, like is like coming to the door and I go, he’s got something in his hand. It looks to be perhaps some political. Oh, I thought you were going to say like a spray paint can and a cock. Yeah. And, uh,
Never come back to Buc-ee’s. This guy always shows up when we’re never home. He waits for you to leave. They’re gone, man. Let me try that door and see if it’s open. He’s the laziest Jehovah’s Witness. I’m going to wait until they leave. He puts his badge on at the last minute. This is like you if you were in organized religion. Jehovah’s Witness. Oh, I would, yeah. I’m going to wait until they’re all gone, and then I’ll go to the door. They’re gone again. I tried. Brother, I tried. I swear. And, you know. All over their goddamn wing doorbell right there. I tried. And, you know, election time is coming up, which is fine. And, you know, please vote for whoever you like. Please do whatever you do.
As you know, we do not do politics on this show. Right, right. It’s none of our business. Don’t listen to us anyway. What do we know? We only do stock tips. Yes, yes. And bar mitzvah tips. And bar mitzvah tips, too. Yeah. And so we all kind of got home at the same time tonight, and we’re taking it easy. And I hear the doorbell like ding, ding. I’m like, what the hell? All I can see is bushy hair out in the door. Like, what the fuck? Is this some girl with some bad freaking hair day? I’m like, is this like one of Bob’s ex-girlfriends at the door? And I come out and I’m like, God damn, it’s that guy. He finally showed up when you were there. Yeah.
It was Eli Wallach. And he goes, who called? Blondie. Blondie. Blondie. Yeah. Mosley Van Cleef. Okay. So anyway, so he’s got, you know, a political thing in his hand. He’s like, hey, how you doing, buddy? I’m like, yeah, I’m doing good. I’m doing good. What’s going on there? You know. He’s like, oh, well, I really wanted to talk to Mrs. Lament and give her this political bullshit. Not lament title. I’m sorry. If my wife’s up there, there’s going to be problems. I’m dreaming that your wife lives with me. I’m sorry. That’s a different story. That’s a different story. Yeah, let’s not talk about that. Yeah, I’m sure she would not be down with that. No, I don’t think so. Yeah, she’d be like, please kill me.
I’m going to kill your dog. Yeah. I was like more like slants of the lambs basically. Yeah. I’m going to kill your dog. And he’s like, I’m sorry. He’s like, yeah, I want to talk to, you know, your wife. Really? Let me talk to the decision maker in this house. It’s not my, well, fuck. I’m not. I know that. So did you give up your wife? Did you say, Oh, wait a minute. No, no. Oh, thank God. I always go, she’s not here. No, no, no, no. I did one better. I go, oh, I’m sorry. She’s dead. You really? You told him? I, hand to God, hand to God, I straight face. I’m like, I’m sorry, my wife’s dead. Yeah, she passed away about a month ago. He’s like, oh, it’s a tragedy. Well, okay, let me mark it off my phone here. They never tell me these things when I go to the door. They should really mark you guys off for not being dead and stuff. All right, well, we’ll see you later. Bye.
He skips away. It’s like Mr. Bill or something. Yeah, I come back in. I tell my wife. We’re all laughing. I thought later, I’m like, shit, you may not be able to vote now because they’re going to punch you down in bed. Sorry. I told my husband that she was dead. I’m like, wait a minute. This isn’t Illinois, for Christ’s sake. You can’t have dead people voting here. For Christ’s sake. You know, the weird part, though, which is… It has nothing to do with this, but a long, long, long time ago in high school, I was in this horrible wreck, and I had to lay up for quite a while. And a couple of friends had come to the door to see me at my house, and my dad told my friends that I had died. I’m like, oh, my God. Yeah, his mother hasn’t got over it, but I seem to be fine. I’m like, oh, my God, I’ve become him. Holy shit.
I’m like, this is his joke. I’m just continuing on. Did he let them walk away? Yes. No, no. He told them. He’s like, Miles, huh? He didn’t make it. Yeah, yeah. Well, you know what happens. Tuco got him. Angel Eyes got him. So I don’t know. Now I’m afraid. I’m afraid something bad’s going to happen to my wife. She won’t be able to do something. I’ll be like, hey. She’s going to go vote. It says here you’re deceased. You died on the shitter, we hear. Yeah, just like Elvis. Your husband’s dead. I don’t know what prompted that or what made me say that. It was like the Terminator where he’s got a thing of answers. Hey, was that a dead cat in there? He’s like, do-do-do-do-do-do-do. Fuck off, asshole. That was me like, do-do-do-do-do-do.
Like, no, we’re not interested. Yes, I’ll go get her. Yeah. Wow. Well, at least she didn’t have to go talk to him. Yeah. So then she’s like, you know, letting everyone know what happened. I’m like, hey, don’t tell everyone you’re dead. You got to keep getting all these calls. Are you dead? I heard your husband tell the political guy you’re dead. I know her employer’s going to send flowers or something now and be like, oh, shit. Yeah, really? Well, we gave her job away. Sorry. All right. She’s been missing. I don’t know where she is. I heard she was dead. The fuzzy-headed political guy said so. Well, I mean, I thought she was dead. That’s as good as a death certificate to me. She was sleeping. Oh, my gosh. What is that?
Are you losing some of your cognitive abilities here? Yeah, I can see where this is headed. I’m like, oh, fuck. I’m going to end up in the home like the old man, not knowing anybody. Well, you never know. Yeah. Could be closer than you think.

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In this episode of Mondo Freako, host Bob LeMent is joined by Houston Pierce, creator of the interview-based podcast 1,000 Crazy Questions, to discuss paranormal trivia and the infamous 1995 Salida, Colorado UFO footage. Houston participates in a high-stakes trivia quiz testing his knowledge of the legendary daylight sighting recorded by resident Tim Edwards after being alerted by his six-year-old daughter. Despite missteps on cigar-shaped craft classifications and missing out on final points, Houston defends his choices with sharp wit and skepticism.

Transitioning from the quiz to the actual video, Bob and Houston analyze the grainy, historic footage of the mysterious hovering craft. The conversation broadens into a lively debate touching on secret military anti-gravity technology, defense economics, submarine-shaped naval concepts, and Occam’s razor. Throughout the banter, Houston promotes his ongoing project at thousandcrazyquestions.com and via Instagram, while Bob guides listeners through another deep dive into the weird world of UFO lore and unexplainable aerial phenomena.

1000 Crazy Questions

@1000CrazyQuestions

UFO Witness Game (Click Graphic to Start)

Houston. How can there be Houston in Colorado? I think it’s kind of like there’s a weird in Texas and there’s a Colorado in Alabama. I don’t know. Words are made up. Words are Rico. I got Houston Pierce from 1000 Crazy Questions with me. Hey, Houston. Hey, how’s it going, Bob? Good. I hope you’re doing well. It’s starting to get cold. Not enjoying that too much, although it is 81 degrees still here at the moment. Is it cool where you’re at? It’s just now starting to get cool. But unlike you, I do like it. I mean, it gives me a chance to break out, you know, the winter gear. I don’t know about you, but Most of my wardrobe is like jackets, hoodies, and stuff like that. It goes with my wardrobe, totally. Exactly, yeah. And my wardrobe is naturally built for the cold, so I’m fine. Oh, well, then good. Now, everybody doesn’t know, Houston’s got a show called Thousand Crazy Questions. You can catch it right here, thousandcrazyquestions.com, or…
at on the Insta and other places, thousand crazy questions. Look at that. I can’t believe it. You want to help give people a real quick brief synopsis on what do you really have? How many questions have you asked so far? I mean, what number are you keeping track of the numbers? There’s no way I can keep track. There’s no way. I think if I did have a, I think I have 83 episodes up. i’ve recorded over, I think i’ve recorded about a hundred and i’m passing up 90 really soon in this next season. So if i do the math, uh, with about seven episodes, average times 83 being recorded and fully asked, then eight, seven times 83, I have asked a math. seven times 83 i’ve asked is 581, according to my calculator then i have and i have asked on air, on camera, and at least recorded 583 questions. There you go. Okay, well, hey, you’re making a lot of headway then you you’re halfway more than halfway there. Yeah, more or less. That’s why that’s
What I’ve asked within the collective career of what’s been on there. Actually, I know I’ve asked more than that, but that’s what you can find. That’s what’s documented is what you’re saying. The show is an interview-based podcast where I ask different guests every week a bunch of would-you-rather questions and just different hypothetical scenarios to interview them. And it gets weird. It gets deep. it gets silly and, uh, yeah, just always try to be entertaining on it. But that’s, that’s for sure. I’ve been on, I think at least twice. I can’t remember now, but at least yeah Yeah. And Houston asked me some very naughty questions. One time he’s like, are you okay for these kind of really, uh, terrible? I go, sure. Whatever. Do you remember that
I remember. That might have been the first time I was on. You’re like, yeah, I’m going to ask you these horrible questions. I’m like, oh, okay. Yeah, because I remember I think it was near the end or something. You were like, you, I think you said you lulled me in with the good ones. Right. And then at the end you’re like, these questions are terrible. It was a horrible question, but I answered it. Everybody’s like, I couldn’t stop laughing at that. Like, you lulled me. You’re like, oh, these cutesy questions. And then, boom, a hardcore, you know, nasty question. I tried to warn him. But also, yeah. But also, I don’t know, I was talking to a blue cat. And I remember I had a fever that day, too. So that was definitely a vibe. Right. You’ll have to go back and check and see if it happened. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, like i think i think this cartoon cat can answer this question, I think. He answers anything, goodness gracious. He’s such a weirdo. But everybody check it out, A Thousand Crazy Questions. It’s a lot of fun if you’re you know, want to be on the show, you know, just reach out through Instagram. Oh, yeah. You still have you on. He’ll ask you some terrible, horrible question. Yeah. I’m just joking this is okay Only if you’re able to take it. That’s right. We don’t want anybody crying. There’s no crying on a thousand crazy questions. No, no. Unless it’s funny. And then which case maybe, but I’m kidding. But yeah, reach out to me at one K crazy questions at Gmail. That’s another one. I got to type in here. You don’t have to type. It’s just the email. If you want to reach out directly, otherwise Instagram is just fine to be on the show. If you want to reach out to me, um,
but yeah let’s see if this is that look correct uh yeah yeah that’s it there you go. We’ll throw it up there. So yeah, if you want to reach out, be on the show. But this show is mondo frico and um we’re going to talk about something weird. You always have a choice at the beginning of mondo Frico. We talk about something strange. It’s usually in the world of the paranormal, in the world of the cryptids, or in the world of the UFOs, which is almost kind of like, well, I guess it could be in the water, but it’s kind of like sky, land, and ether, maybe, with paranormal. But we always try to, everybody else, if you want to take the quiz first, or do you want to take the quiz after we talk about what we’re going to talk about? I think…
I think all the times I’ve been on before, I’ve asked for it first because I’m a sociopath who likes challenging myself. Okay. Well, I’m not a true sociopath. I shouldn’t say that. But I do like the challenge of going in completely blind. I’ll do it again. Doing the quiz? Yeah. Quiz. Quiz. Quiz. Quiz. There you go. Houston’s going to do the quiz. Here we are with the quiz. This is about the Salada. I hope I’m saying that correctly. Video footage from 1995. I know in 1995 you may not have been in existence yet, but it’s something to be, you know, to pay attention to. The Salada video footage in 1995. I’m going to start. We’ve got five questions here. We’re going to see how Houston does.
And if you look here, Houston, it may be hard on your screen, but there’s a little easy button here, right? So it’ll be easy, medium, or hard. First question for you is easy. I always have a hint. Here is your first question. Are you ready, sir? I’m ready. In August 1995, which Salada, Colorado resident famously recorded a widely discussed daylight video of an anomalous flying object? Was it… Tim Edwards, Dale Salata, Arthur Cooper, or George Adamski. And I have a hint if you want to. Okay. So this is called the Salata video footage. And there’s a guy named Dale Salata in the options. Yeah. But something is telling me to not pick number D. I’ll probably go with Dale. I’m probably going to say it’s a guy named Dale. You want to go with Dale? I feel like.
You sure? I feel like Dales are the people who just do this. Nothing to do with it. The king of the hill. Yeah. Great job, our boy. Love you. There is a UFO out there, Hank. Yeah. I have a hint if you want to do the hint. There’s no shame in doing the hint. I will not shame myself by doing the hint. I think this is a Dale. The last name has nothing to do with it. I think this is a Dale thing. Okay. Let’s see. Let’s reveal. Oh, no. It’s Tim Edwards. Hey, Tim Edwards recorded the footage in August 1995 after his six-year-old daughter alerted him. Look, daddy, UFO. There you go. He has a cool last name. Is there really, Dale Salata, or is that fully made up? I think it’s just made up. Okay. Because Salata is like, that means like to exit or something, right? That’s like Spanish for exit. Okay. Like Dale…
Exit. georgia damski is a real person. Uh, I mean, they’re all real people. I’m sure with this names, but, uh, georgia damski is actually somebody, and i can’t remember why, what he is noted for but he’s somebody so got it all right you ready for ready for number two or no, I don’t know if that was easy. I may be cooked. Well, you don’t know anything about the topic. It just got sprung on you. So there you know what i mean? It’s hard. I’m trying. You’re going in blind, you know? So this was a medium question. It may be easier. Who knows? These little buttons, I think they just randomly pepper them in there. I don’t know. What general geometric shape is commonly used to describe the prominent UFO captured in the 1995 Salada video footage? Is it A, a triangle? B, a cigar or tube shaped? C, a perfect sphere? Or D, a flat disc?
i do have a hint if you want it. This is all very a lot of classic ufo shapes there. Yeah. There was a cigar shaped uh asteroid that was going to kill us some years ago oh yeah yeah yeah I don’t know if it was going to kill us, but yeah. All right. I think it was just headed towards us. It did come close. It was one of the closer ones, yes. Yeah, we didn’t find out, I think, until alarmingly later, but we were okay. There’s been a couple of those here of late. Yeah, Moa Moa was the most famous, I think. Yeah. Triangle. Okay, I don’t think it’s A. I think it’s… C is usually what they call. C and D are so basic. That’s typically what it is. B is very intriguing. It’s not. It also can’t be A because the last answer was just A. Ah, he’s playing the odds. He’s going to Vegas. He’s going to play the odds. Oh, boy. Okay. Okay. I have a hint. Okay. I’m going to.
I’m not going to go for that. I’m going to feel more accomplished when I choose the perfect answer of C. And it’s correct because it’s a perfect. The object is famously referred to as a cigar shaped or tubular tubular tubular. Say that three times fast craft. Tubular bells. Tubular UFOs. Man, I should have gone with the cigar. No cigar. Something was telling me and I ignored it. Well, okay. It’s two wrong out of five. You just get 50%. That’s all you need to get. I need these next three to pass the class. That’s right. Unfortunately, this one says hard. You never know. I should have said cigar. So question number three. After gaining national attention for his 1995 video footage, Tim Edwards, boy, you should have heard that earlier, eventually opened a local establishment featuring what specific theme? Was it A, a fossil excavation site, B, a galactic and extraterrestrial decor place, or
C, a museum of optical illusions, or D, an aviation history library. I do have a hint if you’d like to have it. Aviation history? What does it have to do? Tim Edwards, he did the footage, and then he opened something, apparently. I mean, yeah. Because this is hard, I’ll take the hint. I’m taking the hint. All right. The restaurant name nods right back to friendly visitors from space. Oh, man, that’s what I was going to guess. It’s B. B. There you go. That’s what I was going to guess. He opened a restaurant named E.T.’s Landing, which features galactic themed decor. There you go. You got that one right. Yeah. I should have got the cigar. I’m still choking on the cigar because I should have done it. I should have paid. I didn’t listen to my instincts. Always go with your gut. That’s what they always, you know, go with your gut on any of these, even if it says hard, obviously. All right. You got one right. You’re going to try to get these next two right to, you know, get over the 50%. Question number four. Who initially alerted Tim Edwards to the strange anomaly in the sky above Salida or Salida?
In 1995, was it A, his local neighbor, B, his six-year-old daughter, C, a television news reporter, or D, an air traffic controller? I do have a hint. Hopefully you’re paying attention. Oh, boy. I believe it was his daughter. Oh, his daughter. We heard that before, didn’t we? Oh, yeah. His six-year-old daughter first spotted the object and pointed it out. Hey, Daddy, a UFO. Yep. There you go. That’s why it was easy, I guess. Two right. Last one. Number five. Medium one. Following its recording in 1995, what happened to the Salida video footage regarding public exposure? Was it A, immediately classified and locked away by the military forever, or B, it was exclusively shown at a small town bake sale. D, it appeared on numerous news and television programs nationwide. Or D, it was lost in a tape editing accident and never seen again. Have a hint. Huh. It’s not A. I don’t think they would do it to A. I mean, I don’t think so.
Make sales funny. It’s been B the last three times. I don’t know about that one. Do I want to use the hint? You have a hint. You got a hint. This is going to put you over the top if you get it right. This is the make and break one. That’s right. You want to take the hint? I think I’m going to die like a man. I think I can’t use the hint. Okay. If I fail, I think that this was I know all these are such good choices. They kind of are. I don’t think B, though. I mean, sorry, D. That seems a bit weird. Tape editing accident? Who’s editing? It says tape. 95, so, you know. VHS tapes are terrible to edit. They are terrible. I guess you can go over them, record over it, I guess. Easily, yeah. If you don’t punch out that tab…
Nobody cares about that anymore. But yeah, if you don’t put your tab out, you can rerecord easily. You know, his daughter, his six-year-old daughter, daddy, UFO. And then she puts it in, daddy, Elmo. Lost forever. B. You’re going with the bake sale. Yeah. You’re going with the BBB. Make or break for B. Okay, are you ready? Yep. It was C, the video game widespread attention appearing on numerous television and news programs nationwide. Quiz. There’s the scorecard right there. Quiz. I should have studied. Yeah, you should have studied a little bit more. A little bit more. There I am reenacting Tim Edwards. That’s a much better camera than he had. I can tell you that right now. Just in the picture. I know that camera that is a Panasonic digital camera. He did not have anything like that. So anyway, I’m sorry you didn’t win the quiz, Houston. But that’s okay. It’s okay. Would you like to hear more about the Salida camera?
video footage and what it means. Yeah, for the next time i have to take that quiz. I had to retake the class, so yeah. yeah time that i have to do a quiz on this. Yeah. Here we go. The salita video footage refers to a prominent and widely discussed unidentified flying object or ufo sighting captured on august 27 1995 in salita or colorado Local resident Tim Edwards recorded the footage after his young daughter spotted an unusual anomaly in the sky above their home. The resulting video spanning several minutes famously showcased a silent, elongated cigar-shaped crab hovering motionlessly before eventually darting away at an incredible speed. The recording quickly gained widespread national attention, appearing on numerous television news broadcasts, documentaries, and paranormal programs. It became one of the most heavily analyzed pieces of 1990s UFO evidence, dividing opinions between skeptics who suggested atmospheric or optical illusions and believers who viewed it as compelling proof of unexplained aerial phenomena.
Edwards himself dedicated years following the incident to researching ufology, submitting the footage as a classic staple of modern UFO lore. and I think didn’t want to stop. Yeah, so that’s it. Go figure, right? Yeah. Now you’re asking yourself, let me see this footage. And lo and behold. Sounds like they’re shooting off fireworks or something. Look at that, Houston. Can you believe it? Yeah, it looks like a submarine, but in the sky. It looks like it’s spinning. This is really poor VHS-style video. And I hear a plane, though, as well. Is that the UFO making that sound? No, I think that’s a plane going overhead. It’s got to be. I think the UFO is further in the distance. That’s definitely a plane. Yeah. Was this guy just recording the sky when this happened? No, I think, well, it said his daughter alerted him to it, and I guess he grabbed his camcorder and just started recording it. I guess you’re right, yeah. It sounds like a tennis match in the background, sort of. A really loud one, though, you know. That’s true. Somebody’s angry. Apparently he was next-door neighbors to the Williams sisters, and they were beating the crap out of tennis balls. Yeah.
There’s a train. I mean, this is like a cacophony of sounds here. It’s not the best quality, but yeah, it’s definitely off video. It’s definitely like legit background noise. I mean, it goes on here for six minutes. Oh, there he is. He’s looking at it. I kind of want to watch to the end to see where it shoots off if he actually gets that part. look at it it’s just amazing i love all the i love all the chatter it’s amazing yeah he’s in colorado with you like you. Yeah. Colorado people don’t sound like that, do they it’s amazing i mean sometimes there’s actually a lot of texans over here in Colorado. so is it okay it can’t happen because it’s stationary a lot, too.
He’s wiggling the camera, so it seems to be fairly stable, and he’s trying to zoom in and hold the… You know what I mean? Did it disappear? It just kind of disappeared out there. Where’d it go? I think it’s… There it comes back, because… It does look like there’s something, like it’s spinning or there’s something, you know, circling around. Yeah, it looks like it’s not still. It kind of just… I mean, he’s moving around a lot, but still. It looks like he’s moving around too. Keep watching that. I’m going to go see if there’s a stabilized version out here. I think this guy was just recording it like, whoa. Like… He can plant his feet just a little bit more. That’s right. Lean up against something, for Christ’s sake. I mean, I know it’s a six-minute video. Maybe his legs start getting tired or something. Yeah. Well, you have to steady yourself, right? I found something, but you have to join a channel. I’m not doing that. It kind of reminds me of a sub underwater or a fish underwater.
Kind of. You know, it’s interesting you say that. I don’t see, I don’t find, in my real quick search, I don’t find anything like a stabilized version of this in my quick search. Let’s see. Yeah, I’m going to switch over. There’s another version of it here. I don’t know. Can you see that now, Houston? I can see the screen. Okay. David Hopkins is a great video. This is a stabilized version of it. Oh, it’s got something else floating in there, too. It’s extra fishy. Oh, that’s something else. Okay. This is 2010, though. I thought it said 1995. Okay, this is not the same one. Is it? Yeah, 1995. And then… Oh, they’ve changed the playback speeds and everything. That’s what that’s about. This is a history channel, apparently, at some point. So there’s a… Oh, it looks like there’s a couple of other things flying around it or something. Okay. But that’s a stabilized version of it with these other…
Well, you didn’t see that in the other footage, though. It was just too grainy. Yeah. And the background, the background’s a little too light yeah is this thing being really still, or is it just the stabilize following stabilize the video, it says, um, and slowed it down. So, it’s a stabilized scene on the x-axis, and, uh, so there you go. Oh, so it’s stabilized on the X, so it’s moving up and down. It actually is moving. It’s moving a little bit, yeah. Oh, that explains. Okay, that’s cool. Now, but the interesting thing, what you said there, is we’ll just go ahead and let that run, is you said it’s like a submarine. Now, I don’t know that you know this necessarily. Maybe you do. There is a…
not a conspiracy, but rumors that the Navy has spaceships that are anti-gravity that look like submarines that go out into space. I have not heard this. You’ve not heard this? No. Yeah. So they, because if you think about it, right, so they always talk about transmedium craft, right? So they go from space to air to water. And there is a rumor, if you want to say it, call it that way, that the Navy actually has transmedium craft and they look kind of like submarines. Now, where this got started, at least that I know of, was a guy named Gary McKinnon in the UK who was a computer enthusiast. They call him a hacker because he hacked into government sites and found naval records for non-terrestrial officers. Okay. So people who are not on Earth serving in the Navy. How would he know that they’re non-terrestrial? So this is back in the 90s, and he got into…
the servers and he downloaded a bunch of He downloaded a bunch of Excel files and things like that. And it just had a listing of military personnel. And in some of the listings, it would say, you know, like Houston, you know, Colonel or whatever, Captain, whatever. And then in some of them, it would be like, you know, so-and-so, non-terrestrial officer on the… And it was for ships that do not exist on Earth, right? and then they would be assigned to a ship which was listed, but it’s not a ship that’s listed. There’s no other place it is. It’s not out in space. Isn’t that weird? Yeah. It’s weird for several reasons. One, naturally, if it’s true, it’s weird because aliens, but then it’s like, well, why would you bookkeep it to where it could be
Well, that’s the military. I mean, I guess it makes sense. I mean, the reason that we get into documentation, the reason we know that the Nazis were such terrible people during the war is because they documented everything. There’s film footage and written documentation of all of the atrocities that they carried out. So military is document a lot. Yeah. And so, you know, and so, you know, I mean, they didn’t want everybody to have it, but, but this, this video kind of reminds me of, like you said, a submarine, which I turned off my screen sharing. Darn it. Yeah. But my thing is, I guess if there’s anti-gravity, I mean, if we have that technology, why wouldn’t we use it on planes first to kind of make, what’s it called, flight cheaper? Right. Well, that’s the question, right? Because, I mean, there’s a lot of things out in the world they talk about, you know, free energy and anti-gravity and like all these technologies that some people maintain that we have, our governments have, and they suppress it.
Um, but if you, um, you probably see a lot of stuff. I’m trying to remember the guy’s name. He’s a Chinese, um, professor in Canada. Uh, anyway, he talks about the oil-based economy. And so we’re in an oil-based economy and that kind of drives the whole economy, right? So the, the consumption, the, the finding, you know, extracting and constructing and consumption of oil is what drives the economy. And so if you take that out of the economy, then the economy that we have currently would collapse, right? Because if you could make it so you could, you know, travel anywhere, you know, quickly, and it costs nothing, you know, what would that do to everybody? Yeah, I mean, yeah, it would still… They would still need a squeeze on it. I mean, depending on how gravity, like depending on how anti-gravity would work, like hypothetically, if that’s, if that is possible, they wouldn’t need like, then they would just charge whatever millennium hyperthinium thing they made up or that exists to, to, you know, to get it. Just like anything though, they could only keep it under wraps for so long because you think about it.
I think Mercedes-Benz, right? Carl Benz made the first production car. And so you would think every car then from then on would be a Mercedes-Benz or Benz because he didn’t have a Mercedes part yet. But that’s not the way it works. Once the cat’s out of the bag, everybody gets their hands on it, right? They steal constantly. I mean, the only way these things have dominance is because Because, you know, the fix is in and that’s why we have, you know, copyrights and all this other kind of stuff. But so we have these systems. Right. And so, you know, and then if you’re first out of the gate and you make a bazillion dollars like Facebook, the reason they’re still in the race is because they made so much money so quickly. But now the race includes all these other things. Right. So, yeah.
But yeah, with these guys. And eventually, you know, MySpace, MySpace was everything for social media. Friendster, MySpace, where are they at? Nowhere. Yeah. Same thing happened. Yeah, but the thing with these guys, I mean, if it is, you know, if anti-gravity is the thing, like, I could only see money signs with opening it up to airlines. You know, I could only see… you gain more money from that. Like, you know, with Facebook, it’s still around. Like, if you’re the first company, you know, Machete’s been still around. If you just release and put a squeeze, this sounds evil, but if you just release and put a squeeze on whatever material you’re using to levitate your vehicles, you can still maintain billions of dollars by being the first, you know, faster company
We don’t use oil. Now everyone’s very environmentally conscious. You can brag about that. You can go, hey, we’re getting you faster. We’re getting you there with this or whatever else. And you can sell to other airlines how you’re doing it as well as control the resource. Maybe it works, but maybe for humans, maybe it messes you up in your DNA or something. If that’s the case and these naval officers couldn’t do it, it wouldn’t be a human thing. It wouldn’t be the first time that the military put people in harm’s way just to get something done. That’s been proven again and again and again. I guess it would be back in the 90s. people that I was acquainted with, you know, who fought, right, in the Gulf War. And I don’t know if you know, but in the Gulf War, they would truck in gasoline, empty it out, and then truck back water. And so then these guys were showering in water that was laced with the remnants of gasoline because they didn’t change tankers. Right.
Because they were in the desert, you know. And they got sick and they got sick because of it. I mean, it wasn’t like it was pure gasoline. They drained all the gasoline and then they filled the thing up with water to take it to another place. And it’s obviously there’s residue of gasoline and you can’t bathe in even the residue of gasoline without having complications. Yeah. And yeah, it was a big controversy. Some people got paid off and so forth. People died, military people. Yeah. That’s terrible. I know it’s terrible. That’s just a recent thing. Yeah, that’s absolutely terrible. I mean, I don’t trust a government worth a piece of crap, really. I’m just saying, if I have a theory, this isn’t even my theory, but everything, every motivation on earth…
every human motivation on earth, I like in the in a in a negative sense, can be traced back to money. Yeah. And like, I think, yeah, I mean, there oops, my light, whatever. There are some people that do things that kind of think it is like there are some people that do things that the kinds of their heart. But that’s rare. That’s few and far between. I think as a society, like if you just take a global view, it all comes down to money like so. like it like everything i think everything. Like, governments you’re doing this thing. Companies doing this thing. Um, environmental, being aware of it because for money pressure. We stopped using whale oil because we got real oil later.
Like we got better at drilling, I was money motivated. Even things like racism could be traced back to money because it was going to be made the slave trade. The Tulsa, you know about the, I think it was Tulsa, right? The Tulsa, what’d they call that? Anyway, in Oklahoma, there was a whole community that was African-American community. It was doing really, really well. And people went in and broke that all up. I’m trying to remember that it’s like the Tulsa riots or something like that. But that was in like the thirties, I think. It sounds kind of familiar. Yeah. There was a, they did a movie on it. I don’t, I can’t think of all the particulars off the top of my head here, but because you had a community, right. That was at the time, you know, a minority community who was doing incredibly economically great, right.
And yeah. And then they went in and I mean, they were shooting people in the streets. Yeah. But this sounds vaguely familiar and not too shocking, unfortunately. But yeah. Yeah. Just money. Modern day. Money driven. Right. Because they were successful. Yeah. With this. So like to bring it back to this cigar. Yeah. I think like if unless there’s money to be made off of it, I don’t know. why they would hide it? Because I think if they had these vehicles, they’d be making money off of it. So I don’t think they have it, is what I’m saying. Oh, you don’t think? Well, I don’t know. That’s a good question. I think it would make money. I think there’s no reason not to hide it if it’s going to make money. But the funny thing is, though, the government doesn’t care about it. So the government makes money by just printing money. They don’t have to actually make money in the business sense.
if they want more money, they either take it away from you and I, or they had the federal reserve crank up the printing presses and they print more money. And then they have to fluctuate that because the economy is kind of this fragile entity. Um, but you know, there is the reason that we are trillions of dollars in debt is because they just pay, play fast and loose with the money. And, um, So, yeah. And they don’t have any concern about it. Right. If they want to do something, they’ll just do it. I mean, I’m not. Oh, go ahead. No, I’m not an economist, but I think I’m pretty sure the government does care about it in the sense that they still like we’re trillions of debt. But our money comes from exports to other countries and goods and services coming in and out. This thing is real. And we had actual anti-gravity programs.
the capability will be such a big thing to Lord over China and other countries and be like, we have this. It’s like, this would be worth billions. That’s another question that I always, whenever. So who’s our, who is our enemy? That’s the question. We launch rockets with Russia. Are they our enemy? We launch rockets into space with Russia from Kazakhstan, right? We co-op. covid came from china because we were cooperating with china in a lab in um uh wuhan collaborating so think about it. We don’t have an enemy. There’s no enemies. It’s all like Well, right now, I’d say we have some enemies well iran perhaps but uh but i mean those the big ones right russia and and china aren’t really enemies because even though, russia is at war with the ukraine and we’re giving the ukraine weapons, we still cooperate with them to get things into space. Well, sure. Yeah. On the, on the scientific front, you know we’re not we’re not we’re not open we’re not an open war currently, at least thank god with either of those countries. But like, uh,
I think there’s definitely money to be made with trade and all that tariff nonsense that’s going on. The reason I don’t think this is real, not because of aliens, not because of technology, but because there’s no money to be made for keeping it a secret. If this was a secret, there’s no money being made off of keeping this quiet. I think this is better said out loud with, hey, we have this amazing technology. Come buy it from us. Or even if it’s a secret technology, it’s like we’re still going to put it in our aircrafts here or in our hot dogs or our balloons or something. I don’t know what good a flying hot dog is, but I’m saying there’s a market. It doesn’t matter if it’s the government that owns the rights. Right.
private organization. There’s going to be some money in this. This doesn’t follow the rule of almighty dollar to me. And that’s why i don’t think that’s why i don’t think this is legit that’s this is houston pierce money talk. Yeah, no, I, I, there is, that definitely is a solid argument. My, uh, uh, my argument is yes i i would agree with you. I always say like, whenever we, talk about paranormal things and even UFO things. I mean, the question would be, I don’t have any background, but did Tim Edwards profit off of this? And always with the ghost things, I’m like, who made money off of it? If anybody made money off of it, chances are it probably didn’t happen the way you think it did because it’s just such a driving factor. So, yeah. But then when it comes to the government, though…
They make money. Yeah, but money is not… Their business. Money is not always the main goal for governments. I’d pick a differ. I’d pick a differ, sir. I’d say that’s all they care about. This is getting into conspiracy, but the whole COVID thing. I mean, obviously, COVID is real. I mean, I think most people know that. if i don’t think it’s a hot take to say covet is real. but But the way it was, like, handled with everyone, like, with the pharmaceutical companies making a lot of money and everyone stay home in this way and some people didn’t people did. And, you know, like, there definitely was a risk risk to being out and around, but like how everything went up in price and all these big companies that that had fed the government and whatever else made all this money. You can’t help but look at it like, well, the government does care about money because they got money from that whole thing. Right. True. Like they’re tied. Like the government makes makes money and like like it doesn’t just care about power. It cares about money because money is
power so yeah yeah i don’t i don’t trust the government. Let me say it again for posterity. I don’t trust. I don’t trust that government. I don’t trust. Individual people, sure, you kind of can trust. People at large, no, I don’t even think i trust that yeah i can yes no well but what do you think about the footage? Do you think it’s do you think he really captured something or do you think it, so the, the big, the big, uh, um, uh, well, a lot of people say is it’s a weather anomaly. Uh, like if you’ve ever seen circular clouds like that, like the, the, um, what do they call them? Um, I’m blanking on the name, but it’s like a thin cloud that, that forms a circle. And, um, uh, they had one, another famous UFO was the, uh,
one of the Chicago O’Hare Airport back in the 2000s, like 2001, where they saw, some people said they saw a UFO and then it punched a hole in the clouds, lenticular clouds. That’s what I was trying to think of. This is like lenticular cloud. And so that’s what people say it is, is lenticular cloud. What’s your thought? Do you think it could have been that? I mean, we’re looking at it right here. I just froze on it. I have to look. I’m looking it up now. Oh, those are pretty. Those are cool. Yeah. lenticular clouds. Yeah. Yeah, this looks nothing like I’m taking your class. That’s what people say, though. They say, Oh, it’s lenticular cloud. You can see you can see like here, I’ll bring one up and we’ll there you go. Yeah, so it looks, you know, obviously, what we were looking at on the footage there. There was not the find it here.
was not the same shape and everything as the lenticular cloud here. But, you know, people are like, oh, yeah, these are nice pictures. That was a grainy VHS footage. I mean, clouds. Obviously, Tim Edwards is not a professional camera person. Yeah. Even the smallest. This one definitely looks like a big craft in the sky here. Yeah. Yeah. But anyway. Yeah. So which side are you on, you think? Are you on UFO side? Here we are. Or are you on some type of cloud formation and or other atmospheric anomaly? It definitely was not lenticular. Lenticular. Jeez, that is a word. Cloud. I mean, even… Even some of the photos I’m looking at here look pretty close to that thing, and they’re very pretty, they’re very nice, but clouds don’t move like that. They don’t spin. I don’t know who’s buying that one, because clouds don’t do that. Even if it looks the part, but it doesn’t move like that. I mean, I guess you can blame it on the film, but… Right, it could just be the VHS…
mechanism or something. But then again, they went and stabilized it on the x-axis and you could see the thing moving on the y. That’s true. It’s definitely moving. Clouds don’t move like that. They don’t move up and down like that. Unless it’s a tornado. But yeah, that wasn’t tornado. It’s a whole different thing. Yeah. I think if I’m being very practical, I would say this is like some really far off weird balloon that someone lost for a submarine party. And like, they’re going to, Hey Jack, congratulations on your 17th year of the Navy. Here’s your retirement. Submarine balloon, big old submarine shaped balloon. And again, Yeah, maybe. I don’t know if I believe that. Or a faraway blimp. I think these are better explanations. How many blimps have you ever seen in your life? I’ve seen one. I’ve seen one. Yeah. It flew over my house. So there you go. Oh, whoa. It was a Goodyear blimp. It flew right over my house. Cool. I’ve seen the Goodyear blimp when I was in L.A. at the time. And I was like, oh, that’s it? That’s the blimp? Cool. Yeah. And I guess I’ve seen little blimps in, like, my…
It used to be called the Pepsi Center. Now it’s called Ball Arena. But they have these little blimps. They’ll drop t-shirts in the basketball arena and the hockey arena. Yeah, those count, right? Yeah, sure. This one, though, if you think about how much he’s zooming and everything, this had to be at least the Goodyear blimp. A big, huge blimp. It couldn’t have been a little one. It had to be something that was very large, I would think. Yeah. Well, I for one, but I always say this. Anything is possible. I think he may have captured something. And this is pretty good. The problem is, well, I mean, this is 95, so it’s been a long time. No one’s come forward. But I lost my submarine balloon. So, I mean…
I mean, the potential is there. The potential is there. I’ll say this is as close as anything that I’ve seen and read about that could be real. I think, I mean, my final thoughts on this is like, Occam’s razor? The simplest answer is usually the correct one. It’s probably real. There you go. It’s like, this, the simplest thing is like, yeah, it’s real. And the guy had crappy video of it and it’s gone. It’s gone. And that’s the end of it. Yeah. Right. You should have chased, you should have chased after it or, you know, something, but I don’t, what are you going to do? He’s got a six year old kid. He’s got to take care of. Yeah. What can he give it to the media? They put it on TV. What else can you do? Exactly. What else can you do?
Goodness gracious. Well, Houston, thank you for being my guest tonight. Thank you for talking about the Salida, Colorado video footage of a UFO. Everyone, please go check out 1000 Crazy Questions. He may talk about a UFO. He may ask you about that. Who knows? On Instagram. And then, of course, you can send him a note or you can go to the website, 1000crazyquestions.com. Houston, Thank you very much for being here and everybody take care. Keep your eye on the skies as they say.

Bob and Miles meet for dinner at TikTok influencer Judy’s Kitchen in Galesburg, IL, for an impromptu gathering.

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Static Radio – Judy’s Kitchen

Bob and Miles meet for dinner at TikTok influencer Judy’s Kitchen in Galesburg, IL, for an impromptu gathering.

Bad AI Transcript

You can play with Bob’s balls if you want to. You can leave your friends behind. Hey, everyone, this is Miles with Static Radio. Probably would leave your friends behind if that was the case. Yeah. Oh, my goodness. Another week. Another week. A week in the life. Here we are. Here we go. Here we go. Another week. Yeah. Miles and I had dinner together. Yes. Not even a week ago now. Bacon shake. No. No, we had Judy’s Kitchen or whatever, wasn’t it? Judy, Judy, Judy, Judy. Believe it or not, we actually saw each other, uh, in our human form in Galesburg. Bob was like, I didn’t know you’d like pina coladas. So, yeah, so that’s been weird. So I was in Peoria tagging along on a junket. Yeah. With my wife. And I’m like, hey, you know. Yeah.
Well, my wife wanted to go to Judy’s Kitchen. Right. If you don’t know who Judy’s Kitchen is, you’re not from around these parts because she’s like a famous TikToker. Influencer. Influencer, yeah. And she’s like, we’re close enough. It’s only like 40 minutes away. I’m like, okay. I’m like, wait a minute. Miles lives about the same distance on the other side of Galesburg. And so I said, would it be okay if we met Miles at Judy’s? And my wife said, fuck no. Oh. Oh, no, she didn’t say that. She said, if you must. Oh, yeah. Which is worse? Which reaction is worse to you? Oh, fuck. I don’t know. That would be nice. It would be nice if you boys got together. Well, that’s nice. I’m glad.
Yeah. So anyway, I said you know, I, I sent you a note and we’re like yeah we’re gonna do this. We had, we were a little bit late because, uh, you know, festivities and whatnot yeah so you know, you and i met up, uh, yeah. Right. Right. Which I will say was actually not, you know, I was hoping for more the dinner part. Okay. I was hoping it would be better. It was just kind of there, you know what I mean? How was yours, by the way? Delicious. Really? I had the Kung Pao. You had Kung Pao. Mm-hmm. I had General Tso’s. Mm-hmm. I can’t remember what my wife got. I don’t know. Your son had orange chicken because I was sitting across from him. Mm-hmm.
I don’t even remember what my wife had. Now I’m thinking about it. I should probably remember that above all. She had some crab Rangoon. Oh yeah. I had the crab Rangoons. Yeah. Yeah. And your son got a free glass. Did he? Well, I don’t think he stole it, but I told him he should. Nah, he doesn’t. He’s better than me. He wouldn’t do that. I would do it. Yeah, you were like, hey, I got these sweatpants on, son. They’ll fit right here in the old crotch. No, I got in trouble once because I did steal a knife from Sizzler once. I got kind of yelled at for doing that. Those Sizzler knives, they were collector’s items. They’re like red plastic handled. Like a freaking clown knife or something. So yeah, we met for dinner, which is an unusual occurrence. Yeah.
I know, and I almost pretended like I was going to honk your wife’s nose when she walked by. Uh-oh. Yeah, that wouldn’t have went over. She’s not in the nose play. Yeah, I don’t think that would have went over very well. I didn’t touch her, but I imagined I did. Well, I think you could probably say that about a lot of people. She’s got such a little teeny tiny nose, though. What? Okay. She’s got a small nose. Really? Well, compared to you. Well, no, my whole family’s got like these big polack noses. But she doesn’t, you know i mean well yeah i don’t know, I’m just saying i’ll tell you about that, but anyhow. No, I’m just saying. I’m getting a little weirded out by this nose talk. I have this weird feeling that you’re combing, you know
weird tiktok instagram pages about noses or something. I don’t know what’s going on it’s all kinds of weird things going on. I’m grooming her for her nose. Yeah, I don’t know what, you know. Is there a nose fetish? I don’t know. No, I’m just saying she has a proportional nose she’s oh that’s very nice. I’ve got like this carol malden nose like everyone in my family, and i’m jealous i’m like wow i was cursed like one of those uh one of those elephant seals. Cha-cha-cha-cha-cha. It’s like flapping around. You’re like… You lean your head back. You’re trying to… Every time you try to drink, you just get a glass full in your nose. No, these credits are no good. That’s me. Yeah. That’s me. Yeah.
So, yeah, I’m sorry. I quite a lot. Oh, but yeah. But no, we had dinner. It was it was nice. I was nice. I will say. Yeah. Out of the four of us at the table, you were the weirdo. I know what you’re going to say. I know what you’re going to say. Because my son and I had this conversation on the way home. Oh, did you? Yes. I’m like, maybe I should do this more often. He makes me look normal. Yeah. With his actions. He’s like such a weirdo at dinner. He’s so weird. I’m like, have you ever leave the house? I mean, you go out more than I do. Yeah. You got like your eyes are wiggling and your hands are doing things and making weird gestures. And you’re like making these noises. And it’s like, I’m like, what is wrong? I’m like David Byrne and stop making sense. I’m doing a little thing where I’m chopping my arm. You know, you might ask yourself. And then.
You’re like, you know, I don’t know if this was like some kind of weird flirting you were doing with the waitress. I don’t know. But I mean, obviously she wasn’t taking it that way. She was taking it that you possibly had some kind of brain problems. It’s asking you questions because your wife was not feeling well. She didn’t make it in. You got her some egg rolls. It took you like 15 fucking minutes to say, can I order egg rolls to go? I was, you know, just trying to be dramatic pausing. It was like Shatner times 10. It was a sous serre. It was a sous serre. It was a dramatic pause. I would like to have an order of what you might call… Fucking epileptic Hugh Grant over here. I…
i would like even your son was like, what the hell with you old man yeah well i remember egg rolls and you’re driving oh my lord i thought i was all right yeah and i was just like, ah, it’s just like, you know, you’re like i just didn’t want the waitress to leave, you know, like, Vera, don’t know oh no! I just shined up my shoes. Oh, no. Yeah. Thankfully, you know, she, but she thought you were weird too. I could tell, I could tell with her demeanor. Oh, I think she thought, no, I don’t know. I don’t know. Yeah. I’m pretty sure. No, I think she’s used to it. She kept stepping back away from me. Yeah. She’d scoot back every time you moved your hand.
Like it was going to reach out and grab her or something. She was pulling away from my gravitational pull. She’s like, oh, fuck. Gravity. What the fuck? Get away. Yeah. What’s in this Kung Pao? Holy shit. It’s like a black hole over here. I’m just reading your shirt. Yeah. You’re so weird. I’m like, he’s really weird. When we left, I’m like, God, Miles is really weird. That’s normal, isn’t it? I go, no, he’s weirder than usual. She’s like, really? I go, yes. If that fucker talks about your nose, I’m going to punch him out. She has a very nice nose. She has a nice nose. But no, yeah, you were all, you know, I don’t know. You have not hit on what my son and I were talking about, though. Well, did you touch yourself a bunch? I don’t know. I was at the table. Okay. Did you fart? I don’t know. No. Are those your main points, first of all?
Well, your eyes were very shifty. You kept looking around. You made weird hand gestures. You couldn’t think with any kind of clarity. I’m like, is he choking out? What did your son say? No, no, I brought this up to him. You ate like a pig. You’re like, rah, rah. And I was like, hmm. No. So we all ordered different things, as you touched upon. And everyone. We shared, honestly. We had so much food. Yeah. And you guys all got rice, right? Right. Oh, the noodles. Oh, you and the fucking noodles. And I ordered little Maine. They have a name. It’s called little Maine. It’s not called Chinese spaghetti, by the way, which you kept saying, which I thought was a little racist. I’m like, all right. Well, for the sake of show, he didn’t wink. And, uh, I see you’re even winking. Now you’re winking there. You’re winking. Now I have, I have some eating issues. I have to eat slower than everyone else.
Okay. And, uh, did your mom told you or something? I don’t know. No, it’s just, it is a problem I have, which is not a big deal, but I don’t, you know, it’s not a big deal. And so can you explain this? Why slower? And the new, I have a swallowing problem. I do. No, I don’t laugh. If you want, I have a swallowing, right? Slower. Exactly why you should never go to prison. I used to be the fastest eater at the table, and now I’ve gone to by far the slowest. So these guys get their rice in a separate bowl, and my noodles come in a separate bowl, right? Right. They’re in a bowl. They’re in a bowl. Okay. I don’t know. I should have just thrown that in with my
my main course. I should have just mixed it all together because like I’d eaten most of my main course, but I really hadn’t had the noodles. So I thought, well, maybe I’ll just start scooching noodles over from the plate that came on into the main plate. Right. And so I’m trying to eat, I’m trying to do this. And literally I look up and two mentally ill people are watching me eat this. Who’s that? Me? Yeah. Yeah, you and your wife. I mean, they’re judging me. Why are we mentally ill? You’re judging me. You’re both staring at me like I just exposed myself or something. You’re both like this crazy look on your faces. You guys were looking at me like weirdos. Is he going to do it? Is he going to eat it?
At that point, you’ve done so many weird things at that point. I was trying to eat and both of you were staring at me eating. I don’t recall that. Yes, you both were doing it. I’m like, are these people okay? Do they do this to everyone they eat with? Jesus Christ. What is wrong with these people? Are you sure I wasn’t just talking to you? No, I was trying to eat. I look up and literally both of you are just like, Not only looking at me, but judging me. Like, is he ever going to be done? I wasn’t judging you. I couldn’t tell. Like, if you guys were like, okay, can you hurry up? Because we have to get back. Or was it like, oh, my God, he’s like a pig. I wasn’t sure. I just was like, he’s the only one who got noodles. And it was like a Chinese restaurant. I like lo mein. I’m sorry. I eat lo mein. I’m like, and then he didn’t eat it. I mean…
Because I have a problem. Certain things I can’t eat anymore. Well, the whole Lady and the Tramp thing by yourself didn’t work. Yeah. I said to my son on the way home, I go, did you see these mental patients across from us passing judgment on me? I think that was in your head. He’s like, I don’t know. I didn’t really notice it, I guess. Oh, see, there you go. They were. They were looking at me weird. Weird. you probably weren’t done yet. And we were sitting there, you know, the next time we eat together, I swear to God, I’m just going to sit there and watch you stare and be like, just like, you’re going to watch me stare. No, I’m going to, I’m going to start your food. I’m going to start your salad. Okay. Well, I’ll just make sure we don’t eat anymore. I’m just going to like completely. I rape you the whole time. You’re like, we’re never going to have dinner again. That’s it. No, I’m just going to ask.
I’m just going to ask, could you please look over there to the corner or something so I could eat? I was probably talking to you or something. No, no, no, no. There was no talking. It was quiet. I was probably like, well, you know, what are you doing? And you’re like, I was trying to eat spaghetti, the AI or something. I was trying to eat my food and judgment was being passed over me. I could tell. I know these two must have talked about it on the way home. I know it. I know they did. No, we didn’t. I didn’t talk about it. I talked about how weird you were, but that’s other than that. Oh, I did one weird thing. God. No, you were just all weird. It was all like, hmm. Making noises and you’re like, well, young waitress lady, we’d like to place it to go.
At some point before we leave here. Yeah, what’s weird with that? And she says, oh, do you want to do it now or later? And she goes, well, wait a minute, let’s just do it later. I said, yeah, okay. Okay, later. Then she walks away and you kind of do the woo-woo-woo-woo. Oh, yeah. I’m making a circle with my index finger and thumb, and then with my other index finger, I’m inserting it into the circle, going woo-woo. No, when was I saying woo-woo-woo to the waitress? With your eyes. You did it with your eyes. Oh, okay. I knew because I was staring at you. I could tell. Oh, there it is. There it is right there. There it is. There it is. I don’t think that…
I typically don’t look at anybody, to be honest with you. I make eye contact when I talk to people. I don’t look away like you. I don’t. That’s why this works out so well. I don’t even have to see you. It’s fantastic. I’m a people person. I like to talk to people. Well, apparently you make eye contact while you’re eating spaghetti as well, which is also weird. I happened to look up, and I literally saw you and your wife staring at me. I think we probably couldn’t believe it. I don’t know. You couldn’t believe what? I had the same portion of food as you guys did. Oh, my God. That plate of spaghetti was huge. No, come on. You guys had a big, deep dish of white rice, which is probably not the best choice for you, but whatever. I felt a little weird after the whole thing was over. I felt really weird. Because you were. You were acting weird.
I did one weird thing, okay? One weird thing. Oh, I talked to the waitress, which is weird. I’m sorry. And you spoke Spanish again. I love speaking Spanish. I love it. But you don’t speak Spanish. You’re not very good at it. You don’t even speak Spanish. Well, I understand Spanish, at least what you’re saying. Oh, come on. You couldn’t speak Spanish. You don’t understand. I don’t speak Spanish. I don’t try to speak Spanish. Then you’re jealous. I was going to speak Mandarin, but I knew that would really get under your skin. Well, just curse words. That’s all. Which means a little. Thank you. You’re like, yeah, but you always say it like with, I don’t know. It’s like some kind of weird, you get put on some kind of weird, like, I don’t know. It’s got a bit of a creepy attitude whenever you’re talking to the waitress. You know what I mean? It’s like, I can’t help. You know, I get, I, I,
Where’d you go to school? In my head, I think I’m Rodney Dangerfield from Caddyshack. I get into something and all of a sudden I’m on. I’m just on. I was thinking more like… The Epstein guy, perhaps. Jeffrey Epstein. I was talking more of the guy from the beginning of Sling Blade. I was talking about arm hair. JT Walsh. I got a lot of water. No, I don’t know. I felt like I was being judged. I felt like I was being judged. I judge you all the time. It doesn’t matter. Yeah. The thing was, I wasn’t even judging you. I probably was just like, wow, he’s going to eat that spaghetti. Hmm. I guess. After all the crab rangoons that he had and all of the… You know who didn’t have any? Me, because I hate crab rangoon. I didn’t have any either. Well, don’t judge me. Don’t judge me. Yeah, I guess my wife and your son had them all. Yeah, I don’t know. I didn’t have none. Yeah, I don’t like them either. Gross. Like a bag full of sour cream. I don’t like sour cream either. So don’t talk to the waitress. Don’t look at the waitress.
Yeah, it’s probably best if you just, uh, like, sit there and like we tell your have you write down your order or point at it or something. Get your order succinctly. Uh, uh, you know, whatever. I don’t know. Eat quickly. Yeah. Make sure you order what they would order. You can order whatever you want. I don’t know. It felt really weird. We had a whole conversation about was it General Tso’s, General Toe’s, General Chow’s. Oh, you two would not shut up with this. I’m like, oh, my God, if they keep talking about this. Had a little pepper thing. I’m like, oh, I hope it’s kind of hot. It wasn’t that hot. It wasn’t hot at all, really. No, I had a little baby. I know. Is there any little stuff spicy? Yeah, I was hoping it was.
Oh, my God. Between that and how to pronounce the name, I was like, please, God, let him get diarrhea or something when he gets home. Did you have diarrhea? No, it was great. Oh, good. Probably because of all that spaghetti. I had my leftovers in the little baby box the girl gave me. She was freaked out. She’s like, you know, he’s going to Hunt me down and put my ears in this box if I give him something. I can’t talk to the waitress. It’s just, you know, you’re a little, I don’t know. Do you not talk to the waitress when you order, or do you just kind of point at stuff? Normally, but not, you know. Donde esta musica? Las chichas. Chorizo. Chorizo, I don’t know.
I don’t know. It’s like you’re… I go to Spanish restaurants. I speak Spanish all the time. Anybody ever call you on it or no? Not so much, no. Not so much. By the way, it was a Chinese restaurant, but this was just an average white girl. Oh, now she’s average. Okay. Oh, I don’t know. I mean, I didn’t… I didn’t look at her. I didn’t look at her. I didn’t know if she even had two eyes or not. I don’t know. So weird. This guy is so weird. He’s so weird. I didn’t, like, you know, scope her out or anything. I was just like, she’s just a regular white chick taking her order at the Chinese place. It’s funny, this guy comes down, like, all bent over with his head down with, like, his hand out so no one can see his face. You know, like, okay, I’m gonna…
No one talk to me, please. Please. I try not to. I really try not to. Yeah, take your Ritalin, man. Christ. Fuck, you’re going to be okay. Jesus Christ, it’s a restaurant, dude. Well, I know. It must be weird when you guys go out to eat. I don’t know. We just only have each other to stare at? Is that what you’re saying? I guess. I don’t know. I could see why the other week no one wanted to sit by you guys. I get it now. That fat broad over there with the glasses is staring at… Oh, it’s a man? Oh, he’s staring at me eating… He’s staring at me eating my noodles. I’m trying to eat a hot dog and he keeps looking at me like raising his eyebrows and… No, that’s you. You’re going… No, that’s you. You’re all judgy. Like freaking Groucho Marx over here. You bet your life. So you better…
order something that these two approve of and eat it the way they would eat it. It was very weird. It was very uncomfortable. It was very uncomfortable. So was it better or worse that my wife was there or was it worse that she was there? I enjoyed your wife being there. Okay. Well, yeah. Cause you were checking out her nose, scoping her nose out. I guess I was, can I look at her nose? I guess. I don’t know what that’s all about. I’m sure I’m going to hear about it later. Oh. I mean, she weren’t upset. I called her a mental patient and having a nice nose, but I don’t know. She’ll probably tell you she was not staring or judging you either. Yes. Yes. Yeah. I want the truth. Yes, you were. On the way home, I noticed what they talked about the whole time. No, I didn’t even talk about your spaghetti weirdness.
my mouse i didn’t i didn’t even talk about how you took everyone’s leftovers. I’m like, why did he take my leftovers? I don’t know uh i was given a box about the size of like if you were gonna take like a donut or something home. It was like the smallest box this girl fine she’s like you’ve already got enough problems. You don’t need a full big box. I should have said, man, you got a small box You said it in your mind. I could tell I was staring at you. I was thinking it. Yes. Yeah. You’re like, I didn’t say it to the mail that he wants it. She delivered a box. She put it on my desk. I’m like, wow, you got a big box. She smiled. She smiled. She thought it was funny. I’m a people person. Any other comments on the dinner? No. Bob paid for the dinner. Let me mention that. Thank you. Thank you, Bob and Mrs. Bob. Thank you.
I was wondering if you’d even met them. Yes. Yeah, no, they did. They were very nice. They did everything. Except they were a little bit late to dinner. I was a little late, yes. It took us a few more minutes. Which was not acceptable in my book, of course. Of course. Yeah, I’m normally not late, but on my own. Thank you, Bob. No, I, I, uh, yeah, it was fine. I was just joking. I didn’t figure you’re gonna mention it, so i wasn’t gonna mention it uh well i thought i thought i was being prodded into it, so i thought i would mention it. Oh, no, not at all. I thought maybe you had some other, uh, some other comment, uh, about the evening that you didn’t. I mean, you pretty much had on the whole, I mean, it wasn’t really
The other people there really weren’t weird or anything. I mean, the waitress was a little absent here and there, but I mean… That was probably for the best. Yeah. No, otherwise it was fine. I just wanted a little hotter food. It was a clean place. I enjoyed the food. I wanted some spicier food, but… You did not get the spicy you thought you were going to get. I know. Mine was spicy. Next time, you know, next time… We’ll have pancakes next time. I can’t eat pancakes anymore. Oh. Too much syrup stuff. Oh, I see. Yeah, I’m trying not to become you. I’m really trying not to be you. And so anything you want to do, I’m like, eh. Spaghetti? No. Mm-hmm. Well, maybe next time we can go someplace more expensive and you can buy. Okay.

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Miles experiences reality differently than his wife, while Bob goes out to eat in his own section at the restaurant.

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Static Radio – Pharmacy Walk

Miles experiences reality differently than his wife, while Bob goes out to eat in his own section at the restaurant.

Bad AI Transcript

Do, do, do, do, do, do. Who farted? Well, it’s not going to go, so. So we’ll just have to do it manually. Yeah, clear your throat a few more times. And then have a little static noise. And then, oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. You got it, guys. Static. Hey, everybody. Welcome to the show. This is Bob. Hey, Miles with Static Radio here. I’m traveling, and so we’ve got the lesser setup. I have a lesser setup. Miles has the exact same setup. It’s a fart-free podcast, so enjoy yourself. Yeah. What do you mean by that? I was saying, you know, there was some suspect odor, apparently. Yeah. On your end of things there, but apparently that’s when you cleared up or something. Yeah, apparently the ventilation has kicked in, so we’re all good here. We’re all fine here. How are you? Blast them! Conversation was going nowhere. Yeah. So, yeah, welcome, everybody. It’s…
October. Can you believe it? Yeah, it is October. It’s that getting the Halloween season now? Yeah. Which is nice. Are you planning your Halloween costume for this year? Maybe, yeah. Are you going to put up your AT-AT in the front yard or your elephant, whatever it is? No, I was going to shave my head, though, and go as Baby New Year. Okay. I think you can pull that off, actually. Get some tighty-whities I was going to wear. Well, possibly some Depends. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Baby New Year. Probably be like… Yeah. Yeah. I got my pumpkins ready to go. Yeah. Oh, yeah. You went to the pumpkin patch recently. A few skeletons. I’m ready to go. Oh, good. Yeah. Ready. That’s fantastic. Well, we, uh, my daughter was recently in town and, you know, uh,
We don’t get to see her in person that often. And so when she’s in town, we usually take her to wherever she wants to go to eat. And we took her to this wood fireplace. Everything’s wood fired. Oh, sure. You ever been to one of those? I thought I saw it in a magazine once, yeah. I know you don’t get out much. Yeah, I’m not allowed. If it’s not like fast food… I had to be jealous of you. I know. I know. That’s how sad my life is. I know. So we go, we’re, we’re go out to this wood fired place and, uh, you know, it’s nice. It’s a nice place. And, um, you know, we’re, uh, there’s a group of us, several of us. And so, um, they, you know, we’re a little bit early on the early side of dinner, perhaps I like to be early, you know,
Oh, wait. Is this the picture you sent me the other day? No, no. That was another place we went to. Oh, my God. Jesus. How much steak can one guy eat in one week? Well, we didn’t know. This was pizza. We had a wood fire pizza. Oh, shit. I thought we were eating steak all week. No, no. I did have a steak. I have a story about that place, but it’s not as funny as this story. So we get seated. everything’s good. We’re kind of in an area. There’s some other people in the, in that, you know, the dining rooms, they got to divide it up into several things. And so we’re, you know, having a good time talking and, and getting our appetite, you know, my daughter is so spoiled. It’s like, we normally, when we go out, we get nothing, right. We just get something to eat barely, you know, bear sustenance. Yeah. Yeah.
You know, I’m usually, all I get is the captain’s crackers. Doubtful. Doubtful. Whenever she’s in town, it’s like appetizers and desserts and, you know, third course and all this kind of stuff. Let’s have some appetinis. So we got the appetizers going and everything. And so then more people are showing up because it’s now, it’s going to be, you know, regular dinner time. Yeah. We get drinks. Yeah. Everybody gets drinks. So, So they come in the little area that we’re in and they’re going to sit them at a table, not too far from us, you know, the next table over and the people are like, um, now can we move? Okay. They weren’t, they weren’t being rude or anything. They were just like, no. And they pointed, you know, someplace else in the, in the area. And so then they go away and it was just like a couple.
I guess they didn’t want to be over in a corner or whatever. Didn’t think anything of it. And then we get our food. We’re eating. Another group comes in, a bigger group. And they sit at the bigger table on the other side of us. Oh, no. No, no. We want to go over. We want to go over to the other side of the restaurant. So you were farting? No. I was like, And so then my daughter’s like, what is going on? No one wants to sit by you. No one wants to sit by us. Like Charlie Brown’s family up for. Yeah. Pig pen. So then. Yeah. So then another family comes in. No, no. And there are four people. There’s a table. It’s not right next to us. It’s a little ways away. It’s within acceptable Midwestern dining limits. Right, right. This isn’t New York where you sit hip to hip. You know what I mean? Right, right. This is cornfield country where you’re like half a mile away, for Christ’s sake, at the next table. And they’re like, no, we don’t want to sit there. And the guy goes, you have to.
he made him sit there. The waiter did. He’s got nothing else. I don’t want to sit next to that big, ugly broad. Oh, that’s a man? Oh, I’m sorry. So yeah, my daughter was like, is there something wrong? What is going on? I’m like, I barely even noticed, to be honest. They told me, and then I’m like, yeah, I guess you’re right. They didn’t want to seem to sit over there, and then they didn’t want to sit, you know. And, yeah, I guess you’re right, you know. I’m oblivious. She’s like, what is wrong? What are you people doing? They were all intimidated with all you guys eating salad, probably. They’re like, oh. Ah. Well, actually, I’m the only one that didn’t eat salad that night. These fancy people eating salad? There was a bunch of salad going on the table. Not for me. But yeah, I couldn’t believe it. I don’t know what the deal was. I was not farting. I did not stink. You weren’t telling dirty jokes. We weren’t even talking about
saying the F-bomb or anything. Hey, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. My family, yeah. Yeah, none of that. We’re very polite, cordial, nice people. There was other people sitting behind us. They didn’t seem to have a problem. They were having a good old time. Wait, that is the lady who yelled at us on the boat in Germany. I remember her. She told us to get out of the way. Yeah, so I don’t know what was going on, but nobody wanted to sit in that area. And they’ve got it all, you know, like five tables in a section or something. It’s crazy. It’s so sectioned off. But yeah, the last people, they’re like, no. This is it. It’s this or out. We’ve laid down the law.
And those people were noisy. They were all hairy and they were eating this wood-fired food being extremely noisy. Yes. Like the fucking Morlocks moved in or something. That’s right. You’re like the Eloy, and they’re like the Morlocks. Yeah, Morlocks. Everybody read Time Machine by H.G. Wells. Yeah, no one will know what the fuck that is. What? One of the few books I’ve read. Yeah, same, same. I’m like, yeah, I don’t know what was going on. Nobody stunk. It was bizarre. And my daughter seemed a little bit upset about it. Did you quiz these people? Like, excuse me. Yeah, I will pay for your dinner if you tell me why the fuck won’t you sit next to me. I can’t do that. I cannot do it, sir. Were they like hoity-toity people? No, they’re all morons like everybody else. They don’t meet our high standards here in East St. Louis. Yeah, they all look like they’re half a click off. No, they’re just regular people, I guess. I don’t know what the deal was.
I mean, we weren’t even near the bathroom or anything. The bathroom, they actually went closer to the bathroom. I’d rather sit right by the shitter than sit with them people over there. Well, we were close to the kitchen, I suppose, but it wasn’t that close. It wasn’t like you were getting hit by a swinging door or anything. It’s just, you know. Three random sets of people said, I don’t want to sit here. Yeah, and they laid down the law on the last one. But you have no idea why? No idea why. No idea. It seems a little strange, don’t you think? Well, no, because I don’t think I would have even noticed had my daughter not brought it to my attention. This may actually be what happens every time I go out to eat, and I just never pay attention to it. Yeah, right. It may just be the constant revolving door of people not wanting to sit next to me. I don’t know. I can’t remember that ever happening to us. Really? I’m surprised. I mean, I actually ate with you and wanted to move tables. Yeah. Well, that’s all right. Yeah.
I’m like, maybe I’ll take my half of the garlic bread and go over there. I’m used to eating by myself. I don’t care. There’s a reason. Yeah. Yeah, the French toast stick reason. Well, yeah, there is that. So what’s going on with you, sir? No one wants to eat with me. Yeah. I don’t know how… This is like the Polish version of shallow hell, I guess, or something I’m going to go into. The Polish version of shallow hell? Yeah, I guess. I don’t… So, like… My wife was having some knee issues, and so… Oh, no. Horrible. We had to travel a little bit up to Des Moines and see, like, this specialist, and it’s kind of a… kind of a hoity-toity kind of big deal place, you know. Sure. And it was just fine, and I dropped my wife off. I go, listen, I’ll park. I’ll be a nice guy. You can go in first. You’ve got the knee issue. I won’t make you walk. Right. Yeah. Yeah, no, I was trying to be like you, be a nice guy, you know, like, okay, what would Bob do? You know, he would…
drop his wife off at the front door, be a nice guy. And it was just fine, and I parked the car, and I get over there, get the building, and there’s quite a few receptionists. There’s like this big desk just full of receptionists. Really? Are you sure there weren’t nurses? No, these were like receptionists. I’m like, okay, all right. She’s talking to some lady. I’m like, oh, okay. And this lady’s, you know, going through her thing, you know, where do you live and all this stuff. And, uh, I was like, yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah. You know me, you know, I’m trying to be a Rodney Dangerfield. I don’t know why. I just like, I get in these positions. I just, I can’t help myself. I just want to be. How many receptionists does it take to check in a person around here? This is crazy. And, uh,
She was very soft-spoken, but I go, this lady is so professional. The receptionist, I thought, wow, she is really professional. She’s got a very decent haircut. Dressed very nicely. She’s asking appropriate questions. Unlike you, you look like Guy Gardner from the Superman movie. not sure that is, but yeah, I look more like everyone from the show tires basically. Yeah. Pretty much. And so we go in and we, you know, it went pretty fast, the appointment and this and that, and talk to the doctor and all that and we leave, we’re kind of rehashing the whole thing, you know and my wife’s like, ha ha. I’m like, what? She goes, boy, that receptionist was a real weirdo. I’m like, what? This is the one you thought was really professional. Yes, I thought, wow, what a nice lady, nicely dressed. You said, oh, what a weirdo, quote unquote. No, you did. You did. No, bullshit. Come on. I go, what are you talking about?
You know, shallow hell, you know, the guy, you know, the, uh, one guy sees, you know, the, the, you know, this beautiful supermodel, you know, and Jason, you know, Caesar is a, uh, morbidly obese woman, you know, like there’s this two sides of it, you know, like they’re seeing the same thing, but that was it. I was like, are you, are you okay? Yeah. She acted completely weird when I got there and she wouldn’t stop acting weird. Really? I came in and she waved at me. She waved me over. She enthusiastically waved at me. Wow. I’m like, okay. I don’t know if that hits the weird meter, but okay. She was kind of bouncing up and down as she was doing this and that. Really? Yeah, I’m like,
Are you sure? Did we talk to the same lady or did you start off with someone different? Does this woman have large breasts or anything? Hey, hey, what’s their names? I just imagined you would be distracted by a large breast and receptionist bouncing up and down. No, no, it wasn’t even like that. I wish I could say, oh, she had a stroke. Your voice cracked. I think you’re lying. You go, no. No. No. No. No, she was very professionally dressed. She looked like she walked out of some nice magazine cover or something. I’m like, oh, my God. You look like you were in the Sears catalog. You know, if you were wearing a dress, you’d look like Sharon Stone. You know that? There you go. Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct? Yeah.
Is that what you’re insinuating? Oh, no, come on. I wouldn’t. I’d never say that. Were you saying she needed to have a modesty panel on the bottom of her desk? Oops, I dropped my pen. No, it’s just, I don’t know. It was just so weird. It was like a different take on the same person. I have this vision of you, yes, trying to sneak a peek under the desk and she’s waving frantically at your wife to get her Trying to get her to pull you up. She’s acting weird. She’s waving at me. She was doing that kidnapping sign thing. She’s got the thumb pulled in. She’s squeezing her fingers. There you are. Oh, look. I dropped all my pens. Oopsies. My keys. I’m a lip reader.
And, uh, no, I don’t know. I just, I just really was baffled by this. The whole thing just like the whole I don’t know like he was making faces and she was doing this. That’s right. She’s making faces call the police call the police now yeah she’s like you know, bobbing her head, like with her eyes pointed towards me, like fire bad Oh my goodness gracious. I don’t know. I don’t know. I just find that bizarre. How was the doctor then? What was your impression of the doctor and her impression? Were they that far apart? The doctor was a complete fucking asshole and both me and my wife agreed on that completely. He was a dag off. Oh. He was my second least favorite doctor I’ve ever met. Really? Yes. And you see a lot of doctors. I know. So that is saying a lot. This would be the second worst doctor encounter I think I’ve ever had. Really? Wow. Yeah. Yeah, my wife started crying at one point. Oh, my gosh. I was like, man. I don’t have time, man. Listen to me.
What do you expect that knee to do? Just fix itself? You’re going to have to limp for the rest of your life, you dumb shit. Now get out of here. I want a second opinion. All right, you’re ugly too. Now get out of here, bitch. You’re carrying this fat fuck around. No wonder your knees are shit. You know why your back hurts? Because you’re carrying this fuck around, you stupid bitch. Now get out of here. I’m leaning on you like you’re a crutch. That was Harrison Ford. I don’t have time. I’ve got a piece of advice for you. My wife has spelled out this pre-appointment thing. Mark on the chart where it hurts. Yeah, my knee. Put a check mark if it hurts bad. Put a circle if it doesn’t really hurt bad. Put the Chinese symbol for soup if you’re not quite sure.
Yeah, like the guy doesn’t even look at it. He’s like, ah, yeah, you’re fucked. Yeah, okay. You know what an ACL is? Yeah. They’re basically screwed. Oh, my goodness. I’m sorry. You’re like this fat guy from St. Louis I met once that came in here with a mask. Yeah, that’s right. That guy. He’s got terrible knees. Bob something. I don’t remember his name. Yeah. Ugh. Oh, yeah. I’m sorry. You guys had such a terrible experience. Yeah. The words never again. Yeah. Never again. And you paid for the visit as well. Oh, yeah. Yes. A premium, perhaps. Yeah. Yeah. So we have the… So when are you going back to meet the receptionist? We got a… Oh, yeah. She’s my new side piece now. Yeah.
I don’t know. She really knows how to answer a phone. Dictation, let me tell you. Did I mention you had me at hello? You had me at hello, Pat. Sir, could you move? You’re blocking my view. I thought John Candy was dead. You’re Uncle Buck with an F. Yeah. Ha ha ha.

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In this episode of Mondo Freako, host Bob LeMent welcomes Jeff Ponder to discuss his newly rebranded hockey show, Hockey Night in St. Louis, following a 15-year run with Let’s Go Blues Radio. Ponder shares insights into covering local and regional hockey, including unique segments dedicated to beer leagues and St. Louis natives playing across professional and collegiate circuits. The conversation then shifts into a deep dive on Missouri folklore as Ponder takes on a five-question trivia quiz about the legendary Ozark Howler, scoring a respectable 60% by relying on his knowledge of regional geography and history.

Following the quiz, Bob and Jeff explore the origins and cultural impact of the Ozark Howler, debating whether the bear-sized, horned cryptid was originally dreamed up as a clever cover story by Prohibition-era moonshiners to deter trespassers. They also touch upon remote wilderness conservation, comparing regional legends to Bigfoot lore and the logistics of audio waveform analysis for cryptid calls. The episode concludes with details on where listeners can find Hockey Night in St. Louis across social media platforms and streaming channels, blending sports commentary with classic paranormal folklore.

Pondcast

Hockey Night in St. Louis

UFO Witness Game (Click Graphic to Start)

Hey, Ponder, what’s shaking? Me. This music is getting me. Oh, my goodness. Mondo Freako. Hey everybody, welcome to Mondo Freako. I’ve got Jeff Ponder with me here from the podcast and the newly live, almost live St. Louis hockey tonight. Hockey night in St. Louis. I’m making a new name. Yes. You know what? That’ll be next season. We’ll change the name. Hockey night, St. Louis. I knew I looked at it actually like about 10 minutes ago. Yep. That’s all right. Of course, it did not stick. in my head, and i just made something up apparently. I apologize. Say it again now hockey night in st louis okay hockey night in st louis we cover all hockey and all of St. Louis. So, you know, we’ve even got a beer league segment really like me can be like, hey, people talked about me on a on a dinky little podcast. Really? I didn’t really Actually, I know some people who are in kind of the beer league hockey situation, besides yourself.
So I will make sure I mention it. Hockey Night St. Louis. Hockey Night in St. Louis, yes. In St. Louis. I forgot the N. Is it just a letter N or is it I-N? I-N. It’s not like in and out. No, Hockey Night in St. Louis. In St. Louis. All right. That will be the third season. We’ll change it to that. All right. Well, and don’t forget the podcast. Jeff does a podcast. Been doing that for a while. The hockey stuff, you’ve done a variation and this is the new variation, I believe. Yes. So we did a let’s go blues radio. We did that for 15 years, over 550 episodes, which was insane that people actually wanted to hear me talk about sports that much. But yeah, we started this season. We kind of,
Reformatted, so we decided to rebrand, and we are now hockey night in St. Louis, and as you mentioned, the podcast how you and i met uh conversations that go nowhere. You can find us on any of the social media, or i guess any of the podcasting platforms, and uh yes it’s literally random guest random topic, and we just talk about silly stuff, which uh it seems, Bob, like you’re kind of into that. I do love silly stuff, that’s for sure. Yep. Definitely. So here’s the podcast. What’s the social handle for podcast? It is podcastconvos. So it’s what you have there and then C-O-N-V-O-S. All together. All together now. Here we go. Podcastconvos. There you go. There it is. All right. Hey, what is it?
You got a cactus or something popping up? I got a kitty right here. He’s very interested in what you have to say, Bobby. He sees the cartoon cat and he’s like, what is going on? What is happening? I’m like, hey, my friend. Well, this is Mondo Frico, but don’t forget to check out the podcast right here, here and there. And I’m going to ask you, do you want to do the quiz first or hear the story first? You know, we did the quiz first last time. Let’s do it again. Oh, you want to go with the quiz? Oh, yeah. Quiz. Quiz. Quiz. at the quiz this week is about the Ozark Howler. Have you heard of this? Can you see the questions on there? I’ve heard of it, but I’ll admit my memory is fuzzy if I have memory of it at all, but I know I’ve heard of the Ozark Howler. Well, we’ve got five questions for you here, and let’s see how you do.
about the Ozark Howler. I figured we’d do something that was Missouri-centric because we’re both in the area. Yes. And here’s your first question of five. Let’s see how it goes. This is an easy question. Which unusual physical feature is most commonly attributed to the Ozark Howler in local folklore? Is it thick ram-like horns on his head, leathery bat wings on its back, a long scaly reptilian tail, or Or feathered talons on its front paws. What do you think? Or I got a hint if you want to take a hint. Let’s just go for it. I’m going to go with the feathered talons on its front paws. Feathered talons. Oh, man. Sorry. That buzzer is kind of harsh today. Witness accounts commonly describe the howler as a stocky, bear-sized feline sporting prominent horns.
Interesting. Okay. Oh, boy. I’ve made it too big here. Okay. Next question, another easy question for you, number 205. You know, kind of a slow start, but that’s fine. You’ll be fine. You just got to get more than 50% to win here. I’ll get it. In what primary geographic region is the Ozark Howler said to roam? The Pine Barrens of southern New Jersey? The Plateau and Mountain region of Arkansas and Missouri? the deep bayous and swamps of southern Louisiana, or the high desert plateaus of northern Mexico? I have a hint. Well, I think I know this one. I’m going to guess by its name. I mean, it makes sense to be New Jersey. I’m kidding. Don’t quit. No, I’m going to go with the plateau and mountain region of Arkansas and Missouri.
There you go. That’s right. The Ozark Haller is tied specifically to the Ozark Plateau. Go figure. Across Arkansas, Missouri, Oklahoma, and Kansas. Interesting. Well, I most know it from Missouri. Right. I don’t know how big the Ozarks are. I mean, it’s a big space. We may look that up here in a minute. All right. This is a hard question. Number three. So you got one right, one wrong. Going into question three. In the 1990s and early 2000s, who orchestrated elaborate hoaxes involving fake sightings and emails about the Ozark Howler? Was it Chad Arment, Lauren Coleman, Ivan T. Sanderson, or Ray Wallace? I have a hint if you want it. Let’s go with the hint. Cryptozoologist Lauren Coleman identified this trickster who flooded message boards with manufactured tails.
Okay, so it’s got to be Lauren Coleman. I’m kidding. Sorry. I guess he didn’t say self-identified. Right. I think I got to go. My gut originally said Ivan T. Sanderson. So let’s go with it. Are you sure? Want to call a friend or anything? Sounds like I should be. Let’s go with it. Yes, let’s go with Ivan T. Sanders. Oh, no. Of course, it’s Chad. Chad Arment confessed to fabricating numerous accounts and sightings across Internet cryptozoology, zoological forums. Ivan T. Sanders is actually another cryptid explorer guy. He died a while back. Yes, his name was… with me. You never trust a Chad. Of course it’s Chad. Yeah, it’s always Chad. In every 80s movie ever, Chad is the jerk. That’s right. Anyone whose name is Charles but chooses to go by Chad is a terrible person. That’s right. It wasn’t Chad in charge. It was Charles in charge. That’s right. Everyone loved Charles. That’s right. Charles, good. Chad, bad.
Lauren Coleman is also a rather renowned cryptozoological researcher. And Alina from Decatur, Illinois. Anyhow. Oh, interesting. Yeah. Next. Vocalization is a medium question. How do traditional legends describe the signature sound made by the Ozark howler? Is it a rhythmic clicking sound like a giant mechanical clock? B, a combination of a wolf’s howl and an elk’s bugle. Or C, a piercing whistle reminiscent of a runaway steam locomotive. Finally, D, a harsh screech echoing across between an owl and an elk. I do have a hint if you’d like it. Okay. Using deductive reasoning, if it’s called the Ozark Howler, I would think it’s going to be between B and D. Okay. And I will say I’m starting to kind of get a picture in my head of what this Ozark howler looks like. I would imagine it would look kind of like a wolf. So let’s go with the wolf’s howl and an elk’s bugle. Bugle. Okay, B. That’s right. Pales describes its vocalization as an eerie mix of an elk’s hollow bugle and a deep wolf howl. There you go. Nice. All right. Good deductive reasoning on your part there, Pounder. That’s what I do.
Ponder. I said Pounder. I’m sorry. All right. Next. So you got two. Get this one right. You get over your 50% and you win. Bragging rights, I suppose. Ready? Medium question. Which famous frontiersman was rumored in early tall tales to have shot and encountered the Ozark Howler in Missouri or Missouri, depending on which part of the state you’re from. A. Davy Crockett. B, Daniel Boone? C, Jim Bridger? Or D, Kit Carson? I have a hint if you’d like it. Okay. So again, using deductive reasoning, there’s a lot of tales of Daniel Boone traveling through Missouri. So that’s what I’m thinking, but let’s use the hint. Oh, you’re going to go with the hint? Here we go. I’m going to go with the hint. He is renowned for his coonskin cap legend and settling along the Missouri River. That’s…
Well, yeah, I’m going to go Daniel Boone. Yep. That’s right. Of course it’s Daniel Boone. Daniel Boone. Folk stories claim Daniel Boone encountered and shot the beast near the Quiver River in Missouri. There you go. Look at that. 60% three out of five. That’s fantastic. That’s my high school score, so I’ll take it. Three out of five? Three out of five in every class. Well, there you go. Hey, look at that. You’re consistent, if nothing else, correct? That’s right. So let’s hear a little bit about the Ozark Howler, and then you and I can discuss our thoughts about such a weird thing. The Ozark holler is a legendary cryptid said to inhabit the remote wooded Ozark region spanning Missouri, Arkansas, Oklahoma, and Illinois. Described as a large bear-sized creature with features resembling a heavyset cat or a massive canine, it is frequently reported to possess glowing red eyes, thick black fur, and horns akin to those of a goat.
Witnesses in local folklore often characterize its voice as a terrifying, blood-curdling mixture of a human scream, a wolf’s howl, and a heavy bull’s bellow, which is said to echo across deep river valleys and isolated hollows at night. Tales of the Beast date back through generations of Ozark Mountain folklore, where it has long been blamed for unexplainable livestock mutilations, missing pets, and eerie disturbances in the woods. While skeptics attribute sightings to misidentified black bears, mountain lions, or feral dogs, believers maintain that the creature’s distinct vocalizations and aggressive nocturnal behavior set it apart from known regional wildlife. Its legend continues to capture the imagination of cryptozoologists and thrill-seekers looking to explore the deeper, untamed corners of the American Midwest. Today, the Ozark Hollow remains a staple of regional ghost stories
and roadside lore frequently appearing in local pop culture, podcasts, and folklore compendiums alongside other American cryptids. Whether viewed as an elusive flesh and blood animal awaiting scientific discovery or simply a modern mythological boogeyman designed to keep children out of the dark woods, the creature endures as an iconic symbol of a rugged wilderness found throughout the Ozark Mountains. That’s your story time, kids. I hope you’re sleeping. I’ve I’ve been asleep this whole time. Okay. Well, hold that thought. We’re going to come back. Let’s hear a word from Opa Ghost. This is Jonathan. And this is Heaven from the Opa Ghost podcast. And you’re listening to Mondo Frico. Toodles. This is Ryan Frank from the Baggage podcast. And you’re listening to Mondo Frico. Mondo Frico.
How’s that? Do you have all that kind of stuff on the hockey stuff? I like it. I mean, we don’t have a cartoon cat who’s mimicking them talking the whole time. So this is much better. That’s true. I tend to read everybody else’s lines as well whenever they’re playing off my computer. So this Ozark Haller thing, what’s your thoughts on this? So, Ahmed, I looked up kind of renderings of what this thing looks like. Oh, yeah. I can show you some pictures. Here you go. Hold on. Let me throw a picture up here, and you can kind of see what I found. Here we go. There it is. Yeah, that guy looks awesome. Kind of looks like almost like an angry Mufasa from The Lion King. Oh, yeah. Kind of does, doesn’t it?
Yeah. Um, and i like those horns are, are twisted and jagged and i kind of dig it. So, and the eyes obviously are absolutely terrifying. Uh, yeah, you see some of the, some of the other images you’re pulling up there. Yeah. Look at that. Yeah. Having it stand up on its hind legs. That’d be scary. Wouldn’t it? This is, this is kind of looks like his high school, uh, photo. Yeah, that was taken by Glamour Shots, actually. They hung a rug up in the woods and took a picture of him. It’s all good. Here he is. I’m just trying to get a drink, and everybody’s bothering me. I mean, poor Howler. That’s after a long night of drinking. He’s just trying to rehydrate. Now, this may or may not be an actual Ozark Howler there. I mean, what else could that be? That is…
That’s a little terrifying. I don’t know. He’s kind of looking right at the camera, too. Yeah, I think that’s like a trail cam shot of what people believe to be the Ozark Howler. I think it would be a little smaller. The renderings are a little bit more interesting in their thing there. That’s an interesting rendering, too. Those red eyes. Definitely need to get some Visine for them. Yeah. Before you answer, I actually have something else here. This is, let me see if I can get that to come up. This is supposedly a real howl from the Ozark Howler. Listen. Sounds a little bit like a balloon getting air let out of it, if you ask me. I was going to say, you didn’t actually play the clip. That was Bob actually just opening and closing a squeaky door. Could be. That clip supposedly is supposed to be the Ozark Howler. Yeah, I hear the sound that they talked about. You said it was like a mix of a woman’s scream, like a bugle at a howl.
That was very elk bugle-y. If you’ve never heard an elk bugle, that was very elk bugle-y, yes. Yes, yes. Anyone who’s traveled through, I went to the Rocky Mountain National Park a couple of years ago, and yeah, we heard a couple of bugles that I’ve never heard before. I’ve heard some screeching in the woods before, but nothing like that. So yes, that’s very close. to what I’ve heard before. No, definitely. Yeah. Well, Hey, congratulations. I’ve been to that park several times. It’s fantastic. Oh, beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. And you could literally spend days, weeks, months there and, and still see stuff you’ve not visited before. I mean, it’s, there’s probably not a person on earth that has ever seen all of the Rocky mountain national park. It’s. Oh, I know it’s vast, vast and buried. Last time I went, we went to the, um, uh, continental divide. Nice. Very cool. Yeah.
Very cool. So anyway, let’s get back to the Ozarks, where you can’t see all that either. Although you can go down and water ski on Lake of the Ozarks. But anyhow. Yes. So what do you think? Do you think this thing is an actual creature? You know, we hear all the time about how on the ocean floor there’s species that we’ve never heard of, we’ve never discovered in all these years. And I’ve even heard people say that about, you know, kind of in the deep woods, maybe even like the Everglades, the Rockies, the Appalachians, you know, it wouldn’t, it wouldn’t shock me to hear that there are some crazy little critters that do not like people and they stay hidden whenever we’re around. And so there, it wouldn’t shock me if there was some strange species that has standed the test of time. And,
is howling like a squeaky door or a balloon letting out the air. about you? Uh, I think that I’m, uh, I’m with you. I think that i’m with you on this. Let me see if i can find, there’s another, uh, Ozark Howler audio. I’m trying to find it. I actually saw a thing on this. Um, I can’t find the audio now. Were these people, uh, in the Ozarks? Obviously they, um, let’s see. I just want the sound. There’s all these people want to talk about stuff. But I think that it is possible. I think that it’s definitely possible that there’s something out there. I mean, the question becomes, you know, do you, it almost gets down to the Bigfoot question, right? So if there’s, if you think that there might be a Bigfoot, then there has to be an Ozark Howler. Right.
And I’m on the fence. I mean, I’m on the side of the fence that I said, I think there could be a Bigfoot. Yeah. I think there’s been enough happening in the world. So I think that. So therefore, pretty much, I mean, most of these cryptids, unless they’re, you know, totally wacky with the way they’re portrayed, could be. I don’t know that it necessarily looks like, you know, this guy here or, you know, even… even our little scrawny friend that I had up there just a minute ago. There we are. I was going to say that little, that little real picture I’ll put in quotes. Like that wouldn’t shock me if that’s what it, if that’s an actual picture. Yeah. Now the, the thing with the how, um, is that I don’t, there needs to be a little more consensus. I wish that I was, um, able to find that other clip that I, I thought I I’ve heard before, um,
because you can compare sounds, right? So obviously animals make all kinds of sounds and then there’s like bobcats and things like that that will make a sound that’s squeaky like that or like a screaming woman kind of sound. And apparently, you know, cougars in the wild will make sounds like that as well. And so those kinds of sounds aren’t void in the woods, right? They happen from other animals, right? This one is a little bit different, you know, and a little more bellowing perhaps than the others. But if you can sample that sound today, now, as we sit here, there’s easily ways to compare those things and to match them. And so then if you can get enough matches, you can then say it was an owl or it was a bobcat or it was this or it was that. Or say it wasn’t.
Yeah. And so, you know, back in the analog days, that wasn’t as easily accomplished because it was related. It was all related to people’s ears, which are fallible now with digital technology. I mean, they literally can just line up the waveform and say, yeah, that’s a confirmed, you know, cougar. So not a howler. And so I think we’re closer and closer. The interesting thing to me is you see our little guy here on the screen. We’re closer and closer to finding the truth about these things, just as we’re getting further and further into the ability to create them out of nothing. Right. That was the other thing I was thinking, too, was. There’s possibility this thing was a folklore for a long time, and now we’re in a situation where we’ve been crossbreeding, and scientists in a lab are totally getting into conspiracy theories here, but that’s what we do on Mondo Freako. That’s right. We could be – wouldn’t it be crazy if, I don’t know, an elk and a wolf somehow, they mixed their genes and created this thing, and they said –
Look, we created the Ozark howler. Now let’s be mad scientists and release it out into the woods. And you never know. Crazy things have happened. There’s that clandestine lab out in the Ozarks. Oh, wait a minute. That’s probably just a meth lab. Well, it’s both. I think it’s a dual-functioning lab. It’s full-functioning on many levels. Maybe the Ozark howler is guarding all the meth. Well, you know, there was a whole… On Mount Shasta, there’s a whole story that apparently is true because they used to… I don’t know if they still do anymore. In California, they used to grow a lot of marijuana on the mountain. And they were pushing the… Bigfoot legend to keep people away from their illegal activity. So maybe the Ozark howler is in that vein. They’re like, well, we can’t do the Bigfoot thing. They already did that out in California. We’ll do the Ozark howler to keep people away from our stills, from our other illegal activities. You know, as we’re creating this stuff, that could be a possibility. So it’s funny you say that Bob.
I did some research in here as we were looking at pictures, and there is apparently a rumor that this all started because I was kind of wondering where the real origin of this happened. And it was apparently got a lot of people talking about it during the Prohibition era. And it was to keep the moonshiners and the smugglers to keep people out of their base of operations. in the middle of the woods there in the Ozarks. So you might be on to something there. Could be. Could be. Because, you know, there’s nothing that keeps people away than a big hairy monster. Trust me, nobody comes to my house. So, you know, it works. Proven. It does. Proven. But I do think, I mean, it’s just like the Tasmanian tiger, which was extinct. They think it was extinct. And now people have seen them, not just in Tasmania, but in Australia. And so they thought it was hunted to extinction because it’s kind of like a coyote, right? It’s kind of a…
nuisance for farmers and and livestock and so forth. But they’re still out there. Maybe the howler is something like that. Maybe back in the day, there’s more howlers around. They started hunting them because they were, you know, Daniel Boone. I mean, who can’t believe that guy? He’s done all kinds of stuff he’s legendary right yeah and so You know, and you never know, you know, maybe this thing originated from Tasmania. And we all know that, you know, Tasmania, all animals from there all go. Yeah, that’s true. I think that the Ozark howler has got less of a tongue than most Tasmanian animals do. That is true. Seems to be like a large tongue with the Tasmanian devil there. But no, I think so. I think that the Tasmanian howler, the Ozark howler has potential, but I think it’s been hijacked by nefarious people trying to make moonshine and so forth. Very possible. As a way to keep the, you know, keep kids away as well as the authorities and anybody else who wanders the woods of the Ozarks. Although now…
They’ve – in Mount Shasta that they basically really spread the Bigfoot legend. But the problem is you get people like me who I’d be like, oh, there’s Bigfoot out there? Let’s go find it. And you’d be drawing the crazies out that would want to be getting a look at this thing. Well, I think that you’re still in the minority a little bit. I don’t think that there’s like – Even though Bigfoot’s interest is peaked again, right? So I think we probably already hit peak Bigfoot at this point. And we’re coming back down off of it. It’s had several peaks in the 70s and in the 90s a bit. But I think it’s still less people than if you’re like, hey, there’s free hooch in the woods. Oh, really? Yeah.
Where at? I’ll say my whole family would be going out there. That’s right. What? Uncle Randy, I haven’t seen you in 10 years. That’s a bigger draw than the Bigfoot, I think, is my guess, my guess. But, yeah, maybe the Ozark howler is, you know, a bit substance abused out in the woods there potentially. Maybe that’s why it’s howling. It’s just a really bad hangover. He’s lonely. He’s drunk. He’s lonely, and everybody’s left him. Yep. Poor Howler. Well, tell us again the name of the – what can I put up here for the hockey show? Oh, it’s – well, on social media, we are at HockeyNightSTL.com. And we’re on YouTube. That’s the best way. We have videos with our shows like you do, Bob, and all posted on Facebook and YouTube. So if you search on any of your socials for Hockey Night STL, we will come up. We’re on Blue Sky X, Facebook, Friendster, MySpace. I made those last two up. Well, you’re a millionaire, Friendster. That’s right.
Yep. Are you Tom? I didn’t realize you were Tom. Me and the Winklevoss twins are best friends. Yeah. Okay. And the Winklevosses, yeah. Of course. Yeah, they’re crypto kings, as they say. That’s right. But no, we’re all over. We do it weekly. We just did our first live show last night, which was a lot of fun, except for YouTube deciding not to work for half the show. That’s the glories of doing a live podcast. That’s YouTube’s prerogative, so… Exactly. You work on YouTube’s whim, and that’s how it goes. But, yeah, we typically, like you, do some recorded shows, and they release on Mondays. So that’s Hockey Night STL on your socials, but it’s called Hockey Night in St. Louis. So always fun coming on here, Bob. And, you know, as much as I love hockey, I love the weird, the crazy, and the absolutely stupid stuff.
And this show is perfect for that. That’s true. That is true. Although I would say the Ozark Howler is a little closer to mainstream. True. Than the Slide Rock Bolter. I’m surprised there wasn’t talk of the Ozark Howler in the show Ozark. Oh, yeah. They could have used it to his advantage. Yeah, they used a lot of local references. So you think maybe at some point they would have… Same thing the Prohibition people did, maybe to stay away from their poppy farms and their weed farms. Oh, we got a band of Ozark howlers out here. Yeah, the whole family. The whole family of Ozark howlers, even some little ones. Watch out. They’re the worst. Yeah, they’ll nip at your heels until you leave. That’s right. They’ll bite your toes off. The hockey night in St. Louis is Jeff’s –
Latest venture, and hopefully I’ll go for 15 years. We’ll see. Yeah, we’ll see. But all things hockey in the city of St. Louis, which is a big hockey town, so this is important. That’s right. It’s not like hockey in San Jose or something, which nobody probably cares. They’re nothing. No, and the beauty with Hockey Night in St. Louis, too, is we do have a segment where So it’s for hockey fans from all over because we have a segment where we focus on somebody who has St. Louis roots that is playing somewhere, whether it’s college, the professional women’s league, the NHL, the AHL, maybe overseas. So we do have something for everyone. So if you’re listening and I don’t know, Massachusetts, it’s like, Hey, you know what? We might mention a,
Boston Bruin or a Boston Fleet or somebody going to Boston University. That’s kind of what we do. So it’s a very fun show and a lot of different angles we can take with talking about hockey and St. Louis. There you go. The people who came from St. Louis who are playing hockey elsewhere. That’s right. Or came through St. Louis. That’s right. Like the great one. The great one did do that, yes. People forget, but it’s true. For one season. Yep. Not even a season. About three months. Yeah. Well, okay. We’ll call it, yeah, third of a season, quarter of a season. Anyway, he was here. He was here, and he still lives here. And I saw him play when he was playing for the Blues. There you go. Well, everybody, this is Mondo Frico. Hold on, Jeff. We will talk to you here after the stop.
And everybody come back next time for more interesting stories about crazy things that go bump in the night. Mungo Rico!

Bob jets back from San Antonio and has a few interesting experiences, while Miles cuts to the front of the seniors’ line at the pharmacy.

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Static Radio – Pharmacy Walk

Bob jets back from San Antonio and has a few interesting experiences, while Miles cuts to the front of the seniors’ line at the pharmacy.

Bad AI Transcript

no sex no drugs no wine no women no one this is mine welcome to daddy does it sound like one of Marge’s sisters there yeah Thelma yeah Thelma Thelma Thelma and Thelma yeah Marge you got a good breakup with Homer. Divorce him. Yeah. Welcome, everybody, to the Miles title extravaganza. Welcome to my playhouse house. Miles is going to sing Rammstein for us this week. Take it away, Miles. Oh, sometimes the sausages in the playhouse. Tug, tug, tug, tug, tug, tug, tug, tug. very good. Right. Yeah. Love the ramstein i don’t i don’t know i don’t really listen. My son does i don’t seems a little bit too dark for me. So I don’t know if i don’t know i don’t know well i was uh
in the city of Lights, oh, wait a minute, I wasn’t, I was in the city of uh the dead recently east st louis that’s right that’s right city of unmarked graves that’s east st louis yeah yeah city of no return yeah that’s right right right some people say. Oddly enough, though, a lot of the people they find are not from the area. They’re from other places across the river. Hmm. It’s kind of like having a wish sandwich. Mm-hmm. Bow, bow, bow, bow. No, I was down at San Antonio, Texas until just a few hours ago. Has anyone gone down to San Antonio? I’ve been telling everybody that I’m like, you know, the Phil Collins Alamo collection is available to view. What? Phil Collins has an Alamo collection? It’s crew t-shirts. Yeah, and he had all these artifacts he donated to the Alamo. Nobody believes me. They’re like, what?
I don’t know. I still haven’t looked this up yet. I don’t know. I’m kind of skeptical here. You mentioned this off the air. I’m pretty skeptical on this. I’m like, oh, look it up. It’s there. It’s there. Yeah. So I was in the hottest hotel room I’ve been in in a long time. uh i mean you had like a lady of the night temperature wise i mean what temperature wise it’s like oh okay you didn’t okay you didn’t have like a lady boy or something with you there? okay Come on now and then i don’t know i don’t know what you do there so i was there and uh like the air conditioner couldn’t keep up in my room. It never got the lowest. I turned the thing all the way down, which maybe I shouldn’t have done that. But I mean, are you like me? Whenever I go, I travel, especially in the summertime. As soon as I get in my, my room, I turn the air conditioner all the way down. And then I dropped my pad. No. And then, you know, you go to dinner or whatever, you come back. It’s like crisp. It’s like you’re walking into a frozen wonderland. Right.
Right, right. So I did that, and then I come back, and it’s like a sauna. A sauna. It’s a sauna. So then I suffered with the sauna for a few nights. I was there for almost a week. Yeah. And then, like, on the third night, somebody I was with were like, hey, I saw people getting fans on my floor, like box tickets. And I’m like, what? No, they’re fans of Phil Collins. Genesis. So I immediately called the desk and asked for a fan. I got one. I got a box fan. It was mildly better. At least the hot air was moving around a little more. But I have not had that kind of experience. Now, this hotel was supposedly haunted. I did not have any haunted experiences, though. You didn’t bring your equipment with you? I always bring my equipment, Miles. Oh, you mean my ghost hunting equipment? No, I’m not your dick. Yeah, no, I know. I’m just joking. No, I did not, because I heard it.
I vaguely heard it was haunted, and as we were going from the airport into the hotel, our Uber driver was regaling us with the haunted stories from the hotel. Hey, man. No, she was a very nice lady, and we stayed at the Menger Hotel, which is a weird name, but Menger, which is like a really, really old hotel right next door to the Alamo. Oh, okay. You know, you could spit on the Alamo from the distance we were. Oh, nice. Yeah, exactly. If you really want to be a jerk. Yeah, well, you excel at that. So, yeah, we were right next to the Alamo and right across the street from the Crockett Hotel, which is another old, old hotel. Yeah. And I had dinner there one night, so…
So you threw your weight around like, excuse me, I don’t know if you know who I am, but I like a fan. I need a fan. That oscillates. Why do I sound like the family guy? Huh? You sound like the family guy. You sound like your Chief Wiggum. Oh, I’m Chief Wiggum, all right. No, so I got a fan, which was really, it cut the, you know, because the lowest my room got was 73. And it’s like 90, you know, like 100 degrees outside. That’s not acceptable for me. And I wouldn’t even look at the thermostat after a while because it was so hot in there, like in the upper 70s. Yeah. But, you know, whatever. You’re going to be all right? Yeah, I’ll be all right.
But it was an interesting old hotel, lots of cool stuff. But apparently there was some Sally, somebody who haunts the hotel. But I did not see anything. I was too busy upskirting in the lobby. I was too busy. I was there for work. Yeah, you always play that card. I didn’t go out. I was there for work. I didn’t do nothing. I’m the boss. I did go out to dinner on Saturday night. Oh, here we go. Salad. The salad rundown. Here we go. Salad rundown. Okay. Well, you’re always bragging about your salad intake, so I’m waiting for it. I didn’t eat salad on Saturday. Really? It was some type of crazy Mexican lasagna or something. I don’t know what it was. I didn’t.
like it too much. Mexican lasagna. That’s what see well that’s the only way i could describe it. Okay. It was like had chicken and cheese and, uh, all your okay so what other stuff some kind of stuff in there. I don’t know. So, uh, I was on my, I walked because it’s about i don’t So I was walking back and got to see all the good nightlife of San Antonio. Oh, okay. Like this one poor guy throwing up, leaning up against the building. It was a good one. Was it your brother? No, it wasn’t. It was not your brother. It was some random guy. He was like… Wait, what did you have? The Mexican lasagna. It was like 1130, something like that. I got really late for me and made my way back. And there was a couple of Puerto Rican girls who were dying to meet me. They seemed to be looking for a good time or something. Somebody to have a good time.
But there is… Okay, go ahead. Go ahead. There was quite the unhoused situation down there. But I’ll tell you, now, you know, there’s one thing that I cannot stand. Oh, here we go. Well, no, there’s more than one thing. There’s one thing in this story that I cannot stand. And that’s panhandling. But all of the unhoused individuals, as the proper way to say it now, nobody panhandled me at all. But they all seem to be very hot. Like overwhelmingly hot sitting outside. It’s too hot to panhandle. Yeah, it’s so hot. How hot is it? It’s too hot to panhandle. San Antonio is too hot to panhandle. Right. Even on the Riverwalk with the people who were hiding underneath the bridges that didn’t get shooed away by the police did not panhandle.
Too hot, man. Like, eh. Which I found rather intriguing, considering. I get peed almost everywhere else I go. Because I thought you were a woman. Like, I don’t want any boob money, you know? I don’t want any sweaty titty money. Yeah, we don’t want that. So we’re not going to… Here’s a dollar. Liz Ugly Broad. Liz Ugly Broad. She ain’t got no money. So yesterday evening on Sunday… The people that I was with, they wanted to do the little boat ride. Yeah. And so we did do that. And it was so sad. It was probably the saddest boat ride I’ve ever been on. You know, most of the time when you go on a boat, it’s a joyous occasion. Okay. I’ve been on many boats. And every time people are smiling, it’s a fun situation. Yeah.
Right? Love something exciting and new. So our guide was Sisto. Let me, uh, Cisco. I’m sorry. Sisto is different. Okay. Was he a friend of yours? No, he wasn’t a friend of mine. Cisco friend, friend, friend of mine. And Cisco was our guide. And we somehow, there was three of us all together. We somehow snuck on in front of a bunch of other people. Oh, nice. They line up to get on the boat, right? They fill up the boat. Yeah. Like, is there a group of three? And the first one of the people I was with was like, yes, we have three. And then we got to walk past all of these people who were really mad and get on that boat. Oh, I believe this. I 100% believe this. And then Sisto led us on. And he was really quite a good guy. So if you’re down the Riverwalk, ask for Sisto. He’s a good guy.
But the boat was dead. It was a dead boat. Like all these hundred-year-old people there or something like that? No, it was young people. I mean, there was old people, but there was young people. And we were sitting back there laughing, and he was telling corny jokes and stuff. But I thought he was very clever, and he had a whole routine that he was doing. All these people, silence. Silence. They’re on their tablets. Probably boring. And I’m like, God, I’m like this poor system. I gave him, I actually gave him a $5 tip. Wow. That you found. No, I didn’t find. Yeah. You probably found it. Yeah. Wow. Five bucks. Wow. Dang cash money. Mark this day down. Mark this day down, man. This guy’s, I thought he was, was rather clever.
And what I really liked was his use of technology. Oh? Yeah, so he had this really high-powered green laser. Yeah. Because a lot of the Riverwalk tour is architecture and history, right? Right. And so he’s, like, got this green laser, and he’s, like, over here, and he, like, shines this laser and wigs it around, right? Mm-hmm. And one of the – a couple of the places are, like – you know, places to stay. They’re like big hotels. Right. And I’m like, he’s like winging this laser on these people’s balconies in their windows. Oh my God. I’m like, who’s staying in there? It was probably like, what the fuck is that green dot? I’m going to kill whoever’s doing that. I’m going to get like, I’m getting sniped. People throwing their feces at you or something. Bastard.
But he used it the whole way, man. He was like, woo! But Sisto was really quite a good tour guy. I mean, it was like the deadest boat. I don’t even know what was wrong with these people. We did go at night. It was like 8 something. I don’t know. But it wasn’t that late. Come on. Yeah. Really? Yeah. all bad. He’s making all his bad jokes probably right yeah i mean you know, you have to be family friendly for these kind of things. Well, yeah. I mean, it can’t be all right so he you know, told some corny jokes about things and told history. It was really quite he did it quite. I thought it was a really respectable job. He did a good job. And, uh, yeah, but the laser thing was like he had a big flashlight, which was super bright.
and this laser and he would point it and highlight these various things as we were going along the river walk. And I thought it was like blinding light flashlight. He’d put on as well as the green lasers. So we’re right by the airport. And if you want me to flash a plane, yeah, that’s just taking off. I would be happy to do that for a $5 tip. And so I paid him $5 and now girl prison. Yeah. And he’s killed 300 people. So yeah, the, uh, Now, I went on that tour, what was it now, seven years ago? Mm-hmm. Yeah. And, I mean, he told me stuff I didn’t remember from my last one, so. I’m like, that’s great. I’ve been on this once, you know. I didn’t know that. I said, thank you for all your knowledge. I’m going to give you five dollars. Here’s a nickel, little boy.
Wow, Mr. Big Spender. I know. Well, I was just trying to impress my workmates. Yeah, you’re like, ladies, ladies, excuse me while I get my wallet out. Hold on. I want to show you. Oh, Mr. Lament. I don’t have any, like, overwhelmingly hilarious things that happened other than kind of the nightlife. Well, I love to hear you getting panhandled. That’s always fun because I know you hate that. I didn’t get panhandled, though. I thought it was great. Yeah. But I will tell you that San Antonio continues in my large city tour that all smells like weed. Yeah. It did not let me down. It smelled just like weed everywhere. Worse than New Orleans? No. No, New Orleans. New Orleans so far has been the worst for panhandling and stinky weed. I did not get panhandled there once. Well, because you look poor.
And they’re like, eh. Yeah. Benefit of the doubt here, I don’t think. Yeah. Yeah. Asking that guy for money is, like, probably a crime. There’s, like, no way we’re getting, like, five bucks like that St. Louis guy, man. That’s right. He’s not loaded. Yeah. All I see in his eyeballs is cheeseburgers. Hey, what are you doing? Look, he’s got… Where’s that Johnny Rockets around here? Johnny Rockets in New Orleans. Lafitte. So, anyway. It was a good trip, but honestly, nothing super hilarious happened. Yeah, right. I was hoping, you know, usually something when you leave, something happens. Right. I mean, some rude people, some people asking you for money. Yeah. So, I just… earlier today got an uber back to the airport and and for some reason, whenever i started the Uber, it put the pickup point like around the corner, like five minutes away. And I didn’t realize it. And then we’re standing there i’m like well shit this this isn’t even where we’re at. I already had the uber driver. And so i i sent him a message and i said, hey, can you come over to the Crockett? Because we’re outside the Crockett.
and pick us up there. The dude went down the wrong way on a one-way street to come get us. That is dedication. Yes. So he got a big tip as well. Big broad wants me to come get her. I will come get her. I don’t care. Well, it’s so freaking hot. I’m like, I don’t want to walk. Huffing around. Little baby couldn’t handle the 90-degree heat. Well, yeah, exactly. Little baby couldn’t handle it. So then this guy comes around this minivan, comes charging up the wrong way on the street, and pulls in and picks us up. Pulls in like it’s old school. I was like, Oliverus, you’re our man. Thank you very much, sir. Yeah. Yeah. My brother from the gondola sent me. So that’s what happened to me. What’s going on with you, sir? You know, I pulled a Bob Lament, too, I guess. I don’t know. I cut the line. Yeah, I cut the line. I was an asshole like you, and I cut the line. What do you mean you cut the line? I cut the line. That’s right.
I did my time. I cut the line. No, we, uh, so, you know, we, we, we, we, we, we, the last year we started using like a new pharmacy and, uh, which is fine, but like they changed the goddamn hours, like weekly, you know, this fucking, okay. I’m like, well, I think it’s eight 30. I’ll go in there. Right. Okay. No, I hear you. No. There’s like a gate down, but there’s people inside. You can see people working inside, but the gate is officially down. Right, yeah. And I look down to like the waiting line, and there’s like at least four senior citizens down there. Besides yourself? Well, I guess technically I am a senior citizen. I don’t know. Maybe I am. What’s the cutoff? Depends where you go. Well, I could get a discount, I think, at Perkins, I think, because of my age. You know, I bought the ticket to the little boat ride by myself. Yeah. And the guy, he points down to this sheet. He goes, does any of these apply to you? Yeah. What are you insinuating, young man? Yeah.
Uh, let me see a veteran no uh no no he goes nothing i go i’ll just pay full price. Thank you. oh big spender. I don’t want the dollar off right oh that’s right you keep that effing dollar yeah i am i am a man i’m sorry go ahead And I had run out of, you know, I’m taking this new rat poison now because of my frickin’. You know, I tried to kill myself on my birthday this year by, you know, throwing a blood clot, basically. Yeah, I know. It’s terrible. I got to take, like, this rat poison for the rest of my life or some shit. Oh, my goodness. I’d run out. I’m like, oh, fuck. I let it run out. Fuck. This does not surprise me in the least. I mean, I have no one to blame but myself. Yeah. You know.
And I was honest. I said, hey, I fucked up. And so I go there. I’m all worried about it. I’m like, am I going to die? Because I haven’t taken this, you know, like a day. I’m like, fuck. And luckily, like the assistant pharmacist, like used to be part of a, not babysitting, but like a child care thing a long time ago. No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Don’t get weird. Don’t make it weird. You were part of a child’s ring. Yeah, they would just take children. They’d disappear. No, but my oldest son used to go there. Yeah, okay. And we still remember each other. It was like 100 years ago. She’s like, oh, now you’re infirmed. Okay, but you were infirmed whenever I saw you. I thought you’d be dead by now. Like, no, no.
So I’m like, hey, listen. You may consider my education. I became a pharmacist because I fear I’ll be getting rich off this stupid idiot. And you’re like, I’ll never see you again because you probably won’t live that long. And so the gate’s down. Everyone’s down in the chairs waiting, waiting, waiting. And I’m literally cutting the line to ask questions. Hey, I know you. Hey, remember me? Yeah, I remember you, yeah. My boy. Yeah, you remember you used to hit him, remember? And I didn’t even call anybody, remember i got you fired, remember? And, uh, now she’s, oh, yeah, now she’s very friendly, very nice lady, and, uh, you know uh you know you’re probably gonna be okay, but, you know, she goes, hold on, let me get the pharmacist for you. Like, he’s working on something, you know, diligently on a computer
You know, it’s probably getting ready for these old geezers waiting for their meds, you know, that they probably desperately need. She’s like, hey, Jeff, can you come over here? Oh, yeah, no problem. Yeah, he just comes over. Stop what he’s doing. Huh? He’s like, I don’t want to do this anyway. You’re like, yeah, F those old people. F them, man. Let’s go help your portly friend here. This guy looks jolly. So I re-explained it, like, okay, listen, I have this. He’s like, yeah, you’ll probably be okay. I think so, yeah, you’re going to be okay, I think. Don’t worry about it. Are you going to go dancing? You shouldn’t go dancing. I wouldn’t play any more pinball if I were you. How much Viagra do you take?
Might want to cut down on that for a while, too. And I can feel the eyes upon me. Like, I look down, and I’ve got, like, four people watching me. Like, you son of a bitch. You son of a bitch. If only they had, like, medicine ready for me. I know. I wish they had like medicine to give me. Wouldn’t that be funny if they like handed it through like the gate, you know, like, Hey, we’re not supposed to do this, but, um, the gates closed, but here you go. It’s closed, but yeah, fuck it. You’re okay. Let’s go, man. You’re a friend of this lady. So it’s all right. Oh my God. You’re good. So totally cut the line like a jag off. Like, like what’s, what’s that guy getting all these blue pills for goodness. God,
Everyone downtown is at least 75 or older. They’re all… Yeah. It’s an asshole. You know that? You son of a bitch. I’m telling you. I got cancer. We don’t have much more to go, you son of a bitch. I just want to get your dick hard. Jesus. I should have gave everyone the finger when I left. Hey, I’m up. What is it, like some kind of 80s teen movie with old people now? What are you, Ferris Bueller? What the hell? I’m like, I’m Bob Lament. I’m throwing around my weight like Bob Lament. I don’t have to wait in line. I’m rich. I live in a I live in this gated community like Bob Lamont. You know? Waitings for idiots. That’s right. For old and poor people. That’s right. That’s right. You live in Russia. I live in America. America. Yeah, I know. Yeah. I felt so important. Well, thank you. Thank you, America. Yeah. Yeah, I know. It’s not who you know. Did you get your refill or what?
Uh, yeah, I was like, oh, well, yeah, we got it going on, but why don’t you call the doctor too? So we’ll double team them. I’m like, well, okay. Okay. It won’t be the first time. Yeah. You know, you got to do into the situation to begin with. Yeah. Boy’s got to do what a boy’s got to do. You know, I don’t care, but yeah, I’m a dick just like, you know, what’s up? Well, Hey, welcome to the club. Mm-hmm. You’re only as good as you think you are. I think you’re moving up in the world.

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Miles enjoys his BK breakfast a little too much, while Bob deals with a hungover repairman.

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Miles enjoys his BK breakfast a little too much, while Bob deals with a hungover repairman.

Bad AI Transcript

It’s on. It’s on. It’s on. Hey, you shaved your bush. Hey everyone. This is miles. Thanks for noticing. Thanks. Yeah. It’s always nice to get compliments. Yeah. On the topiary. Yeah. Thanks for showing me. It’s like a bonsai tree. Yeah. Kind of sparse. Yeah. Who says stuff like that? I mean, do you say this in your regular life? No, it’s just a trend that was going on about a month ago. Oh, okay. It’s women, like women talking to women, but they’re using like different inflections. Like you’re mad and you’re surprised and then you’re angry and happy. You know, it’s like, Oh, what is the, what is your fascination with the tech talk? um you know, I’ve not been banned from tick tock before unlike Facebook. I like them. They don’t ban me. Yeah. You know, I just, I’ve like twice now been like in the naughty chair, you know? Yeah. That’s why i don’t really post it on there anymore. The naughty chair
I thought you would love to be in the naughty chair. It seems like a place you like to be. I don’t like to be muted like that, no. You can’t silence me. I can say whatever I want. Pull this phone out of my pocket. I’m going over to TikTok where I can say any goddamn thing I want. That’s right. Yeah. Oh, that’s nice. I say let’s murder the Etruscans, and I mean it. a little harsh they’ll kill all of their trust in yourself oh my goodness. Yeah. Anyhow. Yeah. So, uh, well, I’m glad you’re enjoying yourself over on the tick tock i do. I can find like-minded people to hang out with except the live tick tock people they are so boring. Oh, really?
People with nothing to do, just sitting there watching their monitors. No, I won’t get naked. No, these are my real tattoos. Miles, quit putting your chats in. I don’t want to read them anymore. I’m going to block you, Miles. Don’t block me. It’s my first fear. I will be silenced. Yeah, right? Yeah. Anyway. any news? I can’t believe you sit and watch that stuff. Oh my gosh. I know. I have no, you wonder you you complain to me like how come you have so much time to make all those goddamn cartoons? And it’s like, well, because i’m not sitting aimlessly watching people. All right. I have a little bit of a thing now with this anyway, because i forget what the name of the picture is, but the,
The naked girl in the clamshell, the giant clamshell. I’m in the clamshell nude, like, covering up my whatever. And you’re, like, totally shocked. Yeah. I thought that was funny. I didn’t even read what the captions said. I’m like, I’m not reading this. This is so weird. This is getting so, you know. I went through a phase where I was, like, taking famous artworks and putting our little characters in them. Yeah. Like there’s a good one of Nighthawks, you know, in the diner. That’s a good one. I’m the girl with the pearl earring in one of them. You’re out playing and I’m the girl with the pearl earring. That was a good one. Yeah, I’ve tried hard to be this guy’s friend over the years. It’s not been easy. But I thought, oh, I can’t remember what the name of that was. It’s Venus. I only have like three or four friends left in this world. Unfortunately, this is one of them. Yeah.
I’ve tried so hard. I’ll do something else. You want me to do like dogs playing poker or something? No, you’ll probably have me bent over the table or something. I have done nothing inappropriate with your avatar. Me nude in a clamshell covering myself. It’s a classic piece of art. I don’t want to be in it. It’s not you. It’s the snowman. That’s me, yeah. That’s the character of me, yeah. Okay. I can take the picture you have here and put it in there if you want. It’s creepy and disturbing, okay? It’s creepy and disturbing. Oh, come on. You’d be surprised how, you know, you always are on TikTok. You know where I’m at. Yeah, I think I do know where I’m at. I’m on Insta, and they love it over on the Instagram, on the gram.
Yeah, no one likes these pictures. Like, nobody. There’s, like, no likes to these pictures at all. Zero. Zero. Every day. It doesn’t mean it’s good, you know? I’m not saying it’s good. I’m just saying it’s there. Because you can doesn’t mean you should. You know what I’m saying? Oh, okay. Okay, let me just give you some tough love. Okay, yes, okay. Let your old Uncle Miles tell you. Yeah, okay. Well, I’m just having fun, and I’m not sitting around mindlessly staring at TikTok. If we agreed on everything, then it would be a boring show. We can’t agree on everything. Yeah, that’s true. Which forms we like and don’t like. Yeah, I don’t know what your hang-up is. It’s just classic artworks. I’m trying to think of other ones. What’s that one with John the Baptist or something? Can you do that?
Were you holding the head? Yeah, put my head on. Do that one. I don’t think I want to do that. I don’t want to get into the religious stuff. I have my eyes like X’s. I’m dead. I don’t want to get into religious things. I did actually make one of us in the Sistine Chapel. Did you see that one? As much as I try to avoid it, I’m like… I tried. I can’t even. Well, I’m going to go in a new direction. I don’t know. Maybe I’ll only do Remington pieces from now on. You’re probably like Mapplethorpe or something. Oh, come on now. Now you gave me an idea. Oh, I’m sure you already thought of it. You shouldn’t have mentioned that. It’s so creepy. Even Ted Bundy would be like, God damn.
Shit. Well, I’m sorry I’m offending you with our works of art that I’m placing us in. It’s a little weird. It’s a little weird. I don’t know. I think it’s fun. Okay. Speaking of fun, I had some fun over the weekend. Yeah. Or maybe not. So… For reasons that I will not go into, we still have a satellite dish. here at the house. Not one of those big old-time ones. No, no, no. A new, you know, the small one. The small one, yeah, yeah. And something went wrong with it. And unfortunately, something, you know, well, you know how much I hate people coming to the house. Yes, on a scale of 1 to 10. It’s like at least 11 or 12. Yeah, yeah.
and so because it wasn’t working right and and couldn’t get it figured out, I had to have them over. Yeah. Which the weird thing was, is we had to wait like a week or something before they came out, which i thought was odd. And then the second odd thing was they came on a sunday Which I’m like, at this point in time, there’s no day of relaxation for anyone. We get packages on Sunday. Amazon will stop by the house on Sunday two, three times sometimes to drop off trinkets. And then now the satellite guy stops by on Sunday. I’m like, what kind of world are we living in? They probably had to fly him in from, like, Ukraine or something. He’s like, all right. You say that, which is funny. Because he was Russian. I knew it. I knew it. So I’m, like, working. I get up in the morning. It’s been godly hot around these parts. So I get up early, and I’m out working in the yard. And this guy, you know, they have a window.
show up and it is in the morning. So they’re going to show up sometime before lunch and i’m like well i’m gonna go do some stuff whenever they pull that i’ll you know, stop that and go, you know, do, do my due diligence as the man of the house and, uh, you know, show this guy around or what happened. And, um, so I’m, you know, doing my work and then, and then, i’m I’m mowing some grass and, uh, I’m like, I mean, it’s Sunday. I’m like thinking about this, right? I’m like, God, it’s Sunday. I can’t believe they’re coming on a Sunday. I got nothing to do when I’m mowing the grass, but think about, you know, putting you in a clamshell and, and, uh, you know, and I’m like Sunday, I go, I hope this guy isn’t hung over, you know, what’s that? What is this? Decatur? Yeah. What is this?
I did actually, I saw, not on TikTok, but I saw a reel where somebody was listing the 10 worst cities in Illinois, and Decatur was like number five. Right before Danville, I think. Danville was on the list as well. I watched the whole list anyway. Oh, I know. I’ve seen this list before. Aurora was on it too, by the way. Yeah, I know. So, but anyway. I digress. So I’m waiting for this guy to show up. I’m like, gosh, what if he’s hung over? And so then I finished the front yard where I can see people coming and going. So I stopped because I’m like, if I go in the backyard, everybody’s going to be mad at me for not paying attention because I can’t see the driveway and everything. So I’m like, I’ll just go and get something to drink and hang out because he’s supposed to be there. And so…
I go in for a few minutes, and then he shows up. And I open the front door, and this guy, I swear to God, he really looked like he was struggling. I want to work on your computer. Exactly. He sounded like Chekhov or whatever. he’s like, uh, the dish and i go yeah yeah and so uh i you know show him okay uh where is uh you know and i go it’s out here. So I’ll take him outside. And I mean, this guy looks like he’s, you know, had about two hours of sleep. This guy’s case in your house. Yeah. Well, No, actually, I don’t think so. He turned out to be a really, really nice guy, but he, you know, I think he overdid it, you know, Saturday. Yeah. And so then, you know, we go outside and I don’t have the dish on the roof anymore. I had it on the roof, but we had some problems and I’m like, you know, get that fucking thing off the roof. This has been years ago now. And so it’s in the yard on a pole and
And, um, so it’s, he’s like, oh, he was like almost grateful that he didn’t have to get on the roof. Oh, fantastic. You know, and then, uh, he’s like, uh, I think it’s out of alignment or whatever. And he’s getting ready to, undo stuff and everything. No, wait a minute. I go, there’s a, we split, we have a connector, a splice. You don’t have to do everything. You just pull, you know, just, you just have to unscrew over here. Oh, this is great. Wait, is this Waddle from Star Trek? Annie, Annie, good job, Annie. Get that boy a credit. And so he’s like, you know, like I’m making his morning here because he doesn’t have to get on the roof. And now he just unscrews the coax and he can plug into his little device that sees where everything’s, you know, aligned at. And he’s like, ah, and so then, I mean, he’s kind of coming alive now and we’re talking, you know, cause I can’t, I’m like Gavin from kids in the hall, you know,
Yeah. I hang around with all the work people and ask them weird questions and, you know, eat seemingly inedible objects for a dollar. And so anyway, he, you know, he’s like, oh, it’s not, it’s move. It move. I’m like, what? How did it move? It’s a pole. Oh, very dry. And then he shows me and just touch the thing. It wiggles. And so He’s like, oh, not good. It has to be, you know. And I mean, honestly, this guy was talking like that. And so then he goes, I have idea. And he takes off to his truck and he comes back and he bodged together this stabilizer thing for the, right? So he took like a mount that you’d put on top of the roof and
And he drove it down into the ground. First of all, he borrowed all my tools. He’s like, you got a hammer? And I’m like, yeah, I got a hammer. And so basically I was like the tool provider for this guy to watch. But that was fine because he was doing all the work. So he hammers this thing and then he needed a drill bit. I’m like, yeah, I got drill bits. And he basically drilled the thing. And then I even provided my own bolt to hold it all together. But he did all the work and he kind of designed this kind of makeshift thing where he, you know, drove it down into the ground so that it wouldn’t wiggle. Oh, we lost Miles there. Hopefully he’ll be back. Poor guy. Poor guy’s missing this best part of the show. His phone probably died is probably what happened.
Oh, there he is. Some Russian guy turned off my phone. Yeah, he came by. Miles is asshole. I shoot his dish. And so he botched together the stabilizing catamaran looking thing for the bottom of my pole so it wouldn’t wiggle, right? Yeah. It was hotter than hell. This guy’s sweating like a dog because I think because he’s still, you know, kind of drunk. And then he gets all that done and we were cleaning up and he’s giving me back all the tools that he borrowed. Isn’t that weird? The guy didn’t bring any of his tools. Well, no, he had, he had what he would normally use, which is basically a pair of pliers and the screwdriver and stuff. He didn’t have like a hammer and he had a drill, but he needed a metal drill bit, which he didn’t have. And I had, I have like a hole.
know i got like a suitcase full of drill bits out there. Yeah. So, um, so he just didn’t have these very specific things. Plus he was doing something that really, honestly, he didn’t he could have just said, I don’t know. And you know, it’s out of alignment and you can’t, uh, you know, I can’t do anything for, I’ll align it back up and it’s going to fall back out of alignment, but he went the extra mile. He did the, that, and then he goes, we’re cleaning up and everything. And he goes one moment. I have to show you sound bar. What? Yeah. And I’m like, huh? What? And so he marches, takes all his stuff to his truck and he comes back with this giant box. And he’s like, come on, you know, I’ll show you. And I get a sales pitch for a sound bar.
Oh, okay. But he wasn’t like you. He wasn’t like Mr. Hard Sail. He’s like, I have to. Boss says I have to. And then I don’t understand this. And I think it’s kind of bad practice for the dish people. But then he’s like, hold on. You have to talk to my boss. What? So he uses his cell phone. He calls into somebody. And it was like, it was kind of like this FM radio guy. Hey, this is Pete. How was your service today? And I’m like, the guy’s standing like two feet from me at this point, he’s putting away a sound bar. Cause I wasn’t going to buy it. You know what I mean? Yeah. And he, but he wasn’t mad or anything, but he was like, I don’t know. He went through the, went through the motions. Right. Yeah. Yes. Pete, I asked him about sound bar, you know? And, uh, and so, well, great. Great. How was the service? And I’m like,
It was, it was good. I’m like, what do you get? What am I going to say? The guy’s standing right here. Yeah. Right. You’re going to like totally put the guy down. Like I think he’s drunk. Yeah. I’m using his phone. Yeah. He’s like literally could like cut my throat, you know? That’s right. Exactly. I don’t know what this guy’s going through right now. His wife was calling him while we were doing all this crazy install. You need to answer that. No, it’s wife. Oh. I’m like, you sure? Yeah, I sure do. Yeah, Pete. Wow, great. Well, we’re so happy you’re a customer. And then I’m like, this is the most bizarre thing. And you’re the 10th caller, so you’re going to win tickets. That’s right. You get free tickets. Double arigato. And
And so then, yeah. So then he packs up his stuff and I, you want to water, you know? Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Anything cold. I’m like, well, I can give you a bag of peas. I don’t know. But, uh, I gave him a water and then send him on. Everything works fine and, uh, and everything, but it was just a, it was such a surreal experience to, I’m guessing that there, uh, you know, it’s kind of a, a downward trending, uh, business right now. It’s a dying animal. They just don’t have a lot of people working for him. We had to wait a week to have this guy. I found it really interesting talking to him and everything, but I knew he was kind of struggling there with the day. All in all, he was very nice, even if he had kind of a very…
Kurt to delivery, but yeah. How did you know he was actually Russian, though? Well, I didn’t. I was going to ask the question, but I thought better. But he had the accent, and he looked very Slavic. Because you know me, I’ve mistaken Ukrainian people for Russians before, and there are two Ukrainians. Yeah, I know, that’s why i didn’t ask anything. Yeah, don’t ever ask that, because if you get that wrong yeah i don’t want to get involved in the politics of everything yeah so i he could have been Ukrainian, I don’t know but yeah you know yes like the uh if you remember the old seinfeld episode where newman and kramer were playing risk on the train. And, you know, Kramer says Ukraine’s weak. And the guy’s like, I’m Ukrainian. And he starts smashing their board and everything. Oh, geez. Yeah. So, yeah, I wasn’t going to get involved in any of that. But all in all, I was a little bit worried at the beginning. But at the end of it, he was quite the nice guy. And he was not, you know, overly pressuring or anything. But he was…
Yeah. And then he’s off and he’s like, oh, six more visits or something like that. And I’m like, oh, that’s a full day, my friend. Yeah. So, yeah. But I’m just like, how weird. He probably liked the nicest neighborhood he was going to be in too. That’s the weird part he’s like you’re probably right. I had to go in like some gang territory next. Like, oh, fuck. I’m heading to East St. Louis. Yeah. I heard there’s a train derailment in Ferguson. Yeah. No, but he was a nice guy. I wish him all the best. He was a hard worker. He didn’t have to do all that. He could have just straightened it out and said, that’s it. I’m done. That was nice. What a nice guy. He put a little effort into it.
Uh, given, so anyway, I told, I gave him your address and i said, this guy said miles might want a sound bar uh no my good old buddy miles. He’s always into that kind of stuff. He loves it. So, yeah. So what’s going on with you uh well nothing that exciting god what an exciting life it’s an international uh like a it was almost like, what was that? The terminal. We almost had the terminal. Yeah, I know. Nuclear Western. Yeah. And, uh, you know, I had, uh, about a year ago, I did a story where, uh, a coworker from time to time lets me borrow kind of his piece of shit car, you know? Oh my God. Is that guy still work there? Yeah, he does. Really? Does he still have the same car?
Uh, yeah, it’s still, yeah. It’s the one where you almost cut your hand. Yes. Yeah. That’s the one. Yeah. Okay. And, uh, so, uh, I just, I needed an extra car here and there. And he’s like, yeah, go ahead. Okay. What is it with you? And, uh, what you’re like, Hey, uh, can I borrow your, you know, Beretta? Yeah. I’m like, no, no, I’ll give you a ride. You’re not borrowing my car. No, he don’t give a shit. He’s like, take it. I don’t care. It’s insured. Who cares? They pulled us out of the river at one point. So, yeah, go ahead. That’s good. So, I mean, the seats are really comfortable. Nah, it’s all tore up. It’s a piece of shit. So, you know, I like to… Why doesn’t he get a new car? No, he’s got a new car. He’s got a new car. This is his fallback.
Oh, this is the second car. Yeah. He’s had it for a long time. It’s a dirty car for doing dirty things in. Yeah. It’s like something you would have driven like 30 years ago. Yeah. What do you mean 30? 10 years ago. And so I don’t I don’t eat breakfast at home because I never leave enough time to do that. So I just like to eat on the road. So I like to eat at work or I should be working. I’m eating. I don’t need to eat. And I knew I shouldn’t have done this because I knew what was going to happen. I go, man, I’m just craving these French toast sticks or Burger King. Oh, my God. Craving this. Mm-hmm. And I go, man, I know I shouldn’t have this, but man, it’s so good. And I go, yeah, you get like a little sealed thing of syrup and you get like five little slices of French toast. Basically it’s like a piece of toast that’s been cut into five, you know? Gotcha. And, uh, not to over-explain it, but anyway, so I’m like, okay, do not.
Do not try to eat this in the car. You’ve tried to do this before. Do not do it. Do not do it. Right. You don’t have any facial hair, do you? Not as much as you’d think. Yeah. Yeah. No, I mean, sometimes, I don’t know if you, have you ever had like a beard, like a mustache beard combo? Well, I did grow a mustache last year. Yeah. I thought so. It didn’t look very good. Yeah. Well, and I don’t think it was the mustache. I look like an Artemis Gordon, uh, disguise. It looked like somebody stuck horse hair on my face with some molasses. Yeah. Gorilla mask. And so that little voice, you know, and you’re like, don’t do it. Don’t do it. Okay. I won’t. And halfway there, I’m like, God damn it. I’m doing it. I’m doing it. I’m doing it. Now, if I recall correctly. Yeah.
The trip from your house to your office is not that far. I’m assuming that you had to go out of your way to go to this meeting. Yes. Yes, that is true. And halfway there, I broke down. I’m like, okay, I got to do this. So I carefully unzipped the syrup guy, you know. I’m holding it and trying to drive. I’m trying to maneuver or stick. I go, this is stupid. I shouldn’t do this. All I’m seeing in my head is that video of Porkins eating X-Wing fighters. Standing by Red 5. And I’m like, why did I do this? I’m going to have to carefully drive with one hand and hold this open container with my other hand. And I have to make turns and use a turn signal. Of a viscous death that you shouldn’t be eating. I’m like, this is bad. But I’m doing it. I haven’t missed a drop. I’m good.
I didn’t eat one. I’ll just wait till I get there. As I’m pulling it, I noticed subconsciously my hand has turned towards me. And now I look and there’s a stream of syrup from the container down between my legs. On the seat or on your pants? It’s on the seat, and now it’s heading downwards towards my chin. I’m like, oh, fuck. At this point, it’s halfway empty. I’m like, oh, fuck. Now you’re sitting in syrup? Yeah, I usually wear jeans, but I wore khakis that day. I’m like, oh. Now they’re discolored. I don’t think I shit my pants or something. I’m like, oh, God. I mean, I had a napkin, but, you know, it’s syrup. You can’t just, you know. Somebody overdid it on the maple sausage this morning. What the hell? I was keeping on my work shirt a little bit. I’m like, oh, fuck. God damn it. Fuck it. I’m trying to get all my stuff together. You know, I’m doing some weird pee-pee dance into the work. And luckily, no one had gotten like that. I’m like, God.
You live like two seconds. You didn’t go home and change? No. We were supposed to open pretty soon. I’m like, shit, I got to get in the shop here. Oh, my God. I beeline in the bathroom. I’m dropping trowel to see. I’m like, does it look like I shit my pants? I’m trying to wash it out. I’m getting all the syrup off my legs. It’s in my inner thighs. It’s on my shirt. It’s on my forearm. Is it on your… underpants? It hadn’t gotten that far yet, thank God. It hadn’t soaked up. Yeah, I’m like, jeez. Then I ran outside to clean up the guy’s car. I’m like, fuck, I can’t tell this guy. Oh, that’s right. It’s not even your car. Yeah, it’s not even my car, man. I’m like, fuck. There’s this big stain. It’s sticky. It’s sticky.
Can I talk to you, please, about this giant brown stain in my pen? There’s a sticky brown stain here that wasn’t here before. It’s the only Taurus SHO in the Tri-County area. Oh, man, all day. I’m just like, I wouldn’t walk anywhere. I’m like, I’m just sitting down. There’s like maple syrup smell wafting from your crotch. What is that delightful acting thing? Well, it’s funny you should ask. I’m going to start calling you gingerbread man. Run as fast as you can. I’m the gingerbread man. Oh, my God. I did eat the rest of the sticks. Did you happen to, at the end, since you poured so much out, wipe any of them on your crotch before you ate them? No, no. Yeah, I soaked it up in my tank. You’re dunking down there on the seat. I pull up next to somebody and they’re like, what is that guy doing with his
What’s he dunking that in? Dunking it on his gonads. What the hell? Behold. Good God. So how’d you clean this seat? I put some paper towels out and I ran outside real fast and I kind of cleaned it up. But I realized later that it was on the steering wheel too. I’m like, oh, fuck. Shit has gone all over the place. It’s all over the radio dials and the heating and air conditioning. The tape deck. The player’s not going to work on this thing anymore. Jesus. Oh, my God. Oh, my gosh. MC Pacer’s ruined. are you? This has happened to you so many times. I know. This is not the first time I’ve made a mess of trying to… You cannot eat this meal in a car while driving. No way. This should be one of those Japanese game show challenges. No way you can do this without making a complete freaking mess. This week on Sticky Balls. Miles’ Cinnabon title is going for…
He thinks he’s made it, but oh no, his wrist gives out. He can’t hold that .25 ounces. I don’t know. I don’t know. Subconsciously, I did it. I just started rotating my wrist enough for that. Yeah, I think there was some kind of fantasy going on. You’re like, I wonder… My gonads are stuck to my thighs. I wonder what it would be like. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Hey, ladies. I had tacos last night, and now it smells like farts and maple syrup. Yeah. strange mix of Mexican and Canadian food in here. Kind of like gold bond and syrup. That’s just horrible. Gold bond. That stuff is never going to come off now.

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Bob meets his friends for lunch and gets the worst lunch pitch ever, while Miles has a very non-conversational chiropractor visit.

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Bob meets his friends for lunch and gets the worst lunch pitch ever, while Miles has a very non-conversational chiropractor visit.

Bad AI Transcript

Like a measuring cup? Mm-hmm. Are you measuring what you’re eating, or is it just convenient? I just like to measure it. I’m measuring things. Mm-hmm. I’m sorry. organizations. Go ahead, Jones. Blow it back to God. Hey everyone, this is Miles. I thought maybe you’d sing the Honeycomb song again. No. Oh, okay. I’m going to have a little bit of cereal tonight. Yeah, I was… What was your dinner? What did you have for dinner? Chicken strips. I had some chicken strips. You created a monster, Chick-fil-A. Oh, my God. This guy, I swear to God, he spends like half his paycheck on fast food these days. I’ll just have to get some of that homemade lemonade as well. Yeah. And a cookie for $1.50. Didn’t you used to eat out quite a bit? I still do from time to time, but yeah. But there’s another issue where I have to travel, and so I’m forced to eat out. I can’t take a kitchen with me. Really? I just can have protein shakes, I guess. I could just take a bunch of Slim Fast or…
under your chins. Oh my gosh. You shouldn’t really be eating this late, honestly. I like to do things that you disapprove of. Well, you’re doing a good job. See, like, I don’t work for you. Like, these stupid people have to work under you all the time. They have to kiss your ass. Like, yes, Mr. Lamont. I mean, I’m like, fuck, you don’t own me, dude. You know, fuck it. If I want to eat at 930 some super sugar crisps, I will. At 930, MFR. And if you don’t like it. Whatever I want. I shop after 7 p.m., which you don’t like. You can do that. It’s like, why? Why are you doing this to yourself? I enjoy it. I like to go shopping. I think of funny stuff. When I drive around by myself, I think of funny stuff. Well, that’s good. Yeah, it’s like creative for me. Well, that’s fantastic.
I can appreciate that. I mean, it’s not really funny, but I mean, you know, I think it’s funny. I’m laughing at the grocery store. Yeah. That’s me. Buy some sugar smacks. I pulled a muscle laughing in the grocery store. That’s right. Like that schnooks. I pulled a muscle in the dairy aisle. Ha ha ha! All these cheese jokes came into my mind. You see, you see. Jello pudding. Oh, my Lord. Yeah. I’m just. Hey, you know, I was going to tell you here. You are, you know, a trendsetter. I’ve been told. Go on. Who told you that? My mom. Oh, okay. Yeah. Those tough skins are going to make you a trendsetter at school. Really? You don’t need Levi’s. You need Cavaricci. Tough skins. No, I went to lunch with some friends of mine. Oh, this guy with the lunch in front. Geez. I love to go to lunch with friends.
This is so… I’m just jealous I have no friends. That’s why I’m so jealous. You’re not going to go to lunch with friends. I think I’ll invite my invisible friends and they won’t even go. I’m like, God damn it. So, Hefe met me for lunch and another friend, Erk. And the funny thing is we all came from different directions. So, we met in the middle because Hefe lives close to me, but Erk doesn’t. And So he came south, I came north, and then Jefe was screwing around out west, and so then he came east. And we all met for a lunch in a little town. Mm-hmm. Ferguson? What’s that? Ferguson? No. Ferguson? No, it wasn’t Ferguson. No, it wasn’t Ferguson. Go ahead. Go ahead. Not Ferguson, no. I mean, a little, you know, like farmer town kind of place. Oh, I see. And a bump in the road, as it were.
But it was on Labor Day. Oh, fancy. And so we’re like, let’s go to the cafe. And it was closed. And then let’s go to the pizza place. It was closed. So we’re in this little town trying to find some place that’s open on Labor Day. It was kind of a tough thing. But while… We were waiting for Hefe because he’s kind of late. We were at the pizza place waiting for him. And this guy comes walking. We were just sitting outside. They were closed. And they have a bench outside. So we sat down on the bench and we’re just chatting, waiting for Hefe to show up. And… This guy from over at a body shop or something, some kind of mechanic thing, right? He’s wearing the shirt with his name on it, and he’s all dirty looking. He’s obviously a very hardworking man compared to myself. Yeah. Who’s just sitting on this bench wishing that pizza was open. Yeah.
around lunchtime. Uh, Hefe is, uh, violating one of your rules of being late. Oh, Hefe is always late. I don’t know what it is about me and my friends who are always late. You, you have like certain strong likes and dislikes. I’m just telling the audience this, whoever might be listening, but, uh, this is one of them you you have to be you have to be early 10 minutes early. If you’re going to meet this nitwit, make it 10 minutes early. We continue on. Hefe’s always late. It’s only gotten worse since he’s semi-retired. He’s out of the game, man. He’s like, I don’t care. I want to show up whenever I want to. He’s kind of like that before. We’re sitting there and this guy from the…
I don’t know, auto place over there. It crosses the street. Wow. He’s making a beeline for us, and I’m sitting there, and I’m like, I wonder what’s going to happen now. Are you the male prostitutes I ordered? Yeah. I don’t know if that was the case. Are you Irk and Bob? Yeah, a little small town kind of thing. And Hefe drives in at the same time. And it was, you know, kind of like everybody was meeting, you know, all meeting out in the desert or something. And… Yeah. It’s like the good and bad and the ugly at the end. Exactly. Blondie. Hey, Blondie. Blondie, Blondie. Shoot, shoot. So Hefe’s… pulling in this guy’s crossing the street. Me and eric are sitting there chatting and i’m kind of keeping an eye on this guy, you know, trying to figure out what the hell’s gonna happen yeah like are we in his favorite spot or something? Is it break time? Is it smoking time? I don’t know what’s going on. Bob does like strangers either. Oh no. Yes. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I had, yeah, I’m, you know,
I’m the situation I’m sizing up the situation, deciding what needs to happen. Your bingo card is filling up quickly. I can tell on this adventure. And so, uh, so he gets over clay. He doesn’t come too close. Thank goodness. He, he did, uh, you know, I live my life like a celebrity. You can’t come within certain amount of feet from me. Right. Yes. This is true. This is all 100% true. I like to have a good distance between me and the regular folk. This is true. Even though I’m not a celebrity per se, I do like to live my life as if I am one. And you should know not to look at me, not to talk to me. Correct. And be more than two arms length away from me at all times. No hugging. No hugging. Yeah. No kissing. Yeah.
none of that stuff. So he does keep a good distance and he stops. He’s like, Hey, guys, did you know that the pizza place was closed? Newsflash? Yeah, newsflash. And I’m like, Yeah, pretty, we’re aware of that. And he’s like, Oh, I wasn’t sure if you thought maybe somebody was coming to open it up. And I’m like, No, they got a sign. And I go, we’re just waiting on our friend. And at the time he just pulled in and he was getting out of his truck, walking towards us. I go, we’re just waiting for a friend here. And he’s like, well, this was like the most awkward sales pitch I’ve ever been heard. Sounds like a Rolling Stones song. So he’s like, well, he kind of looks around and,
I don’t know what’s going to happen. My wife, and again, not sure where this is going, has opened this bowl place downtown. I’m like, bowl place? I didn’t say anything, but I’m like, what is a bowl place? Like a haircut? No, like you get a bowl and you put some rice and some chicken in it. Oh, he’s the… Uh, hype man for the, yeah well, he was the most awkward hype man i’ve ever seen. This is closed. You go downtown. Well, I’ve got a bowl shop. Like having goober pile. Tell me about a bowl shop surprise surprise surprise that’s gomer i’m talking about Cooper. Oh, sorry. I don’t know what i go ahead. That’s that predates me. I don’t know. I’m like, huh? He’s kind of kicking the dirt and looking around. Yes, you got it.
Hands in his pockets. Shucks. Shucks. You got it. hype man. And I’m like, huh? You know, I’m still trying to figure this out. Yeah. Yeah, the bowl you know. And then, you know, Jefe walks up and he does, Jefe dismisses everybody. Yeah. He’s like, looking at the guy like, what the hell is he talking about you know I mean, yeah. Hefe does not care about anybody in the vicinity most of the time. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. And so, so yeah. And the guy’s like, go on. She’s open up now. And I’m like, and Eric is just, I don’t think anything. He’s just like looking at him and I’m like, And out of the three of us, to be honest with you, Erk is the most worldly person. He’s been all over the world because he was in the military, so he made him go all over the world. And it was a little forced world tour he had to go on there. I think he’s probably got sealed carry, so he’s not the least bit scared. He’s like, mm-hmm.
Well, yeah, that’s yeah. No, I, I bet. No, I bet you right now. The two of the three people probably had uh weapons within reach yeah and i’m not one of them. So yeah, I don’t want to see a weapon yeah so yeah they they had no, uh, qualms about whatever was going to happen was going to happen. You know, let me guess where you didn’t eat. Volarama. Volarama. Yeah. I’m like, oh, for some reason I become the spokesperson. Yeah. Because, I mean, you know, Hefe is almost ignoring him and Eric is kind of just giving him the side eye and, you know, waiting if there’s going to be any kind of move or anything. And then I’m like, well, thank you. I’m like, that’s very nice. I go, we were…
thinking about eating here but you know we’re waiting on him and so we’re gonna make a decision but uh we’ll we’ll we’ll consider it okay And then he moseys on back over to the auto body place or whatever it was over there. And then we look at each other and we’re like, well, what do you want to do? Don’t forget. So then Hefe’s like, wait a minute. My wife ate at this place. I can’t remember the name of it. And so then he’s on his phone. He’s like, you know, Cindy Lou, what’s the name of that place that we ate at? Has breakfast all day. Hell if I know, Heffy. Oh, jeez. She didn’t know she was on speakerphone. It was hilarious. I’m like… I’m like, it’s not… It’s not like my wife. She’s just cussing and cussing. It was just funny. What the fuck are you calling me for? What are you calling me for? God damn. I thought you were going to lunch. Leave me alone. I’m taking a crap. Yeah. It’s just like…
So anyway, we ended up at the Steak and Shake because it was the only place that was open. Typically, we go to these little weird places. Well, there you go. That was your end right there. It seems like you missed it. Well, I’ll tell you, Miles. I’m not in the market to eat leftovers sometimes. Yeah. Anything that’s in a bowl. I don’t care what the F it is. Yeah. Is leftovers to me. Yeah. It’s like, let’s just take everything we didn’t sell yesterday and offer it in a bowl. Everyone’s been finger blessing the food. You know, you’re like, yeah, no, I need something freshly prepared. Like a good steak and shake hamburger. Mm-hmm. I mean, I don’t care if every one of those people just got out of prison and is working there. That’s fine with me. Yeah.
I’m not eating no bowl. I’m like, the bowl to me is like… I can’t eat any of that kind of stuff. Yeah, right. Let’s go to the Steak and Shake. Yeah, so we ended up at the Steak and Shake. It was fine. We always go to these weird little places. Usually they have like four or five tables. That’s the whole place. It’s happy and Steak and Shake like… Hey, man, where’s that breakfast 24-hour place? You want a breakfast? Yeah. But I passed a couple other places. I get there, and I’m like, we’re walking in because we were all separate, right? And so we’re walking in, and I’m like, hey, I just passed a Mexican place and a sports bar down there. Oh, fuck that. That Mexican place is shit. Oh, what?
Hefe, he’s like, he ate there one time. It was horrible. Oh, my God. I go, what about the sports bar? Don’t know. Okay. Let me call my wife. Yeah, let me dial her up. What are you doing? Deborah. Yeah, that’s right. What do you know about me? Let’s check the Google. We had a great lunch, though. I really, you know. Yeah. But I didn’t even get to the part where you were a trendsetter yet. Yeah. But wait, there’s more. So Eric is telling me, he’s like, Hey, if you guys, there’s this place in McLean that has all these video games and pinball machines. And I’m like, yeah, me and miles went there. He’s like, no way. He’s like, yeah. So anyway, that’s where you’re a trendsetter. You’ve already been. Wow, man. I would,
outdid your boss Yeah. Cool. I got, there’s no place to eat. Yeah, that sucks yeah we had like the sweatiest subway I’ve ever been in my life. Yeah. The greasy pig or something. Yeah. It was, oh my God. It was like, it was like we walked into the jungle to get our sandwich. Yeah. Axel Rose, I think was serving us. Yeah. Yeah. When you’re high, you never, ever want to come down. So anyway, I had a good lunch on Labor Day with my friends. Yay! My lifetime friends almost there. I’ve known both of them for, gosh, since we were, before we were, you know, like almost prepubescent. Oh. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So what’s going on with you? Well, I didn’t have no cool adventure like you, apparently. I love to go on these little… I wish you lived a little closer. I would meet you for lunch, but it’s hard to drive four hours for lunch. I know. I’m sure your wife after a while would be like, you know, you two really got to cool it. Yeah, no kidding. You’re going broke, Bob. We did…
Tri-State Ghost Patrol one time. We ate lunch together, remember? Yeah, that was good food. Mexican restaurant. That was a good Mexican restaurant. It was, actually. I love Mexican food. I know. I had it twice last week. It was good. A couple weeks ago, I mentioned I was going to the chiropractor. I’d switched to this really upscale, big place that seems to… It’s so big, it actually has multiple chiropractors in there. Backcrackers, Inc. Come on, Cracker. Come on, Dr. Back. And I’ve been working with my guy, my touchy-feely guy. At first, I thought it was a little weird, but then I’ve grown accustomed to it. He keeps singing Righteous Brothers songs. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. You’re slapping me on the ass with a towel and stuff. He’s like, man, rubbing me down. I’m like, oh, you know, it was a little weird at first, but now, you know. You know, I got all the leftover baby oil that Diddy didn’t use before he went down. Yeah. And I had been given like a schedule sheet because I go in there like twice a week and I’ve been going there. Christ. Well, they want to get me right. You know, I mean, you know,
Kind of a train wreck. Got you right over a barrel. Jesus. I’m a train wreck. You know, I’m just a fricking train wreck. You’re like dumpy Christ. Well, pretty much. Yeah. And I saw there was one week where I was not going to be working with my guy, you know, you know, like a week, you know, four, you’ll be working with, uh, Laura or something. They’re like, Oh, Hmm. Well, okay. Well, I always go at the same time and i noticed like they had screwed up. They had like changed the, uh, days and i just i glanced at him like okay so i went home, excuse me. because so usually going around nine o’clock about 8 20, I get this phone call from the place. Uh, Mr. Title. Yeah. ah this is, you know so and so from
So-and-so? Yeah. You were supposed to be here 20 minutes ago. What? What? I’m looking for this piece of paper. What happened? I’m trying to prove her wrong. You lying son of a… Oh, damn it. I’m looking at my calendar here, my desktop calendar, and I haven’t got you written in. Yeah, I’m very non-electronic. Everything’s on paper. And I go, I’ll be there in like five minutes. So… i get there. And so i’m thinking i’m working with some lady, right? No, they give me like some some dude probably mid-30s ish late 30s i don’t know it doesn’t matter but you know younger guy it doesn’t matter it doesn’t matter other than he was so good looking ah yeah you’re gonna work with uh chuck here you know i’m like oh okay
This is a, we’re hazing Chuck today. So you get miles. You got the short straw. Cause I’m like waiting for this lady, you know, like, Oh no, I’m gonna get this dude. I’m like, okay. And, uh, you’re right. He does feel like spam. Oh, you touch his belly button. He goes, and this guy is down to business. Let’s get down to business. Yeah. I mean, he wasn’t rude, but i could tell like, oh, okay. We’re not gonna have a good time here you know let’s get this over with jesus yeah let’s just let’s just get i’m disgusted already, man. Let’s just, you know, get you prone here and, uh, I’ll get behind you and do my good thing. And, you know like okay very very yeah just like i’m thinking i really should have listened to my mother and gone into accounting. Yeah. Don’t fool it. Right. Future’s plastics.
And, um, I realized soon that this guy is not touchy feely guy. Yeah. You like him better or no? No. Oh, okay. You’re very down to business. Very down. You know, I’m trying to, you know, tell a joke. I was like, he’s politely laughing. I told him how I almost died on my birthday. And he’s like, Oh yeah. Yeah. I know how people must feel when they talk to you in person. That’s probably like, mm-hmm. That’s a riveting story, Mr. Title. Riveting. Bowls, you say? A bowl? He’s like, well, we’re going to go over to this other place here now. I’ve got some stuff over here. I’ve got the taffy-pulling machine to put you in. Yeah, Wonka takes me up. He’s like, come here, come here. And, uh…
There was an older woman there. Violet, you’re turning violet. There was an older woman doing some exercises or something. They had made her do some exercises and stuff. It was kind of funny because she kind of looked like a drunken sailor walking around. They had her doing some tippy-toe thing. Poor woman. I’ve got balance issues. So I’m following this guy to this other place, and I’m in the middle of one of my riveting stories, which I love to tell. And literally halfway through my story, he’s like, hey, Bernice, you look funny. That’s off my story, just right in mid-story. Cut it off. It must not have been so riveting, I guess. Yes, and he did not come like, oh, I’m sorry to interrupt. It was like, no, let’s just…
Oh, you’re talking? I’m sorry. Yeah, so he’s like, well, listen, we don’t have much time, so let’s just get this done. Shut the yap there. Yeah, I got the feeling. King Kong Bundy, shut the yap. Let me get to work. Yeah, I overstayed my welcome. I can tell that already because he’s like, hey, it’s like going to a shrink. Our time is up, all right? It’s time to leave. Whenever I squeeze him, I don’t know what’s going on. Yeah, there’s no hope. There’s no hope for this guy. You’re full of pancake batter. I’m not going to get no rub down with the lotion like I like. The patting and the squeezing that I get and the encouragement from the touchy-feely guy. Do you have your shirt off and everything? No, I was clothed to some degree. Where’s the nakedness at? Where are you naked at? No, I’m not naked.
I’m like, what’s exposed that he’s rubbing on? No, there’s nothing exposed. No, I think he rubs through the clothes. He doesn’t. Well, no, he’ll like, you know, lift up your shirt a little. No, he goes, you know, like second base and stuff. It goes, you know, like up at the shirt stuff. But yeah, it’s the second base of my. But not third, not third. You got to think those guys get to second base every day. Jealous. I was just wondering because I think you’re kind of a hairy person. Oh, yeah. Yeah, believe me. Well, in parts of me, I am. Well, okay. As hairy as you might think anymore. Oh, okay. Well, I got rubbed off. It’s all in my back now. Twice a week, for Christ’s sake. They’re practically plunking you.
It’s pretty much, you know, on my back is all I have, you know. Well, I knew you, yeah, you talked about your back. I’ve not, well, let me take that back. I have seen, you know, not that I wanted to, but you bent down to get something and exposed your, you know, back and your crack. And you looked, didn’t you? I mean, that’s like something. You go to the Great Wall of China and you’re like, oh, you saw it, didn’t you? Yeah, I saw it. It’s fucking everywhere. It’s the Grand Canyon, for Christ’s sakes. Look at it. So you’re fairly hairy. I can’t imagine this guy really wants to rub that. You know what I mean? He gets paid to do it, you know? Not enough.
he’s always coming back for more but yeah that’s no wonder they got you on two a week they’re like the once a week is we’re just not gonna cut it. We got at least two a week, more make it our worth our while yeah the the other guy was just like you. Like, listen, we’re out of time, so if you want to get dressed or you know put on your shoes and take your time, I don’t care i’m i’m leaving the room i’m gonna go see bernice bernice I’m going to put my finger down my throat and then go talk to that nice old lady that looks like drunk, like a drunk. And that was it. I’m going to take a Silkwood shower and I’ll be right back. You’re not getting second base. I got news for you. So, yeah. So, yeah. I’m like, I told my wife, I’m like, man, I’m like, what the, I was cheated today. I didn’t leave my tip. I know. Get no tip.
No happy ending. What kind of happy ending do you get? No, I’m just kidding. Come on. Yeah, I was going to say. No, I just… guess i don’t understand any of it. This is more awkward than the guy telling me about his wife’s bowl place. Yeah. Well, it’s a little awkward, I guess, to talk about, but i mean, you know, i just You talking about getting yourself rubbed on Yeah. he’s a little bit nauseating, I’ll be honest with you. He is gentle. I’m sure he is. Yeah.

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On this episode of LeMent Tonight, host Bob LeMent welcomes Las Vegas comedian, bartender, and street musician Steve K. for a candid, wide-ranging conversation on navigating the comedy world. Steve opens with a self-deprecating monologue touching on getting older, the indignities of open mics, and feeling like an outsider in entertainment. The discussion quickly pivots into an honest dive into Steve’s 20-year obsession with stand-up, where Bob challenges Steve’s tendency to get trapped in his own head and hyper-focus on local scene politics. Offering tough-love mentorship, Bob encourages him to stop obsessing over peer validation, lean into his unique raw perspective much like Rodney Dangerfield did, and measure success by the creative act rather than the pursuit of fame.

@tomedy601

Bad AI Transcript

Hey, everybody, it’s Lament Tonight. I’ve got my special guest tonight, Steve K. Steve comes from Las Vegas, Nevada. he’s an eligible bachelor there in las Vegas. he uh part-time uh drag queen, full-time bartender, I think, right? So, let me read you a quick bio that he has here. He’s a comedian who just does not feel like he fits into the comedy scene. Isn’t that all comedian Steve? But I cannot stop thinking about doing comedy. So, here i am. Maybe I can feel part of a community here. That’s his plausible bio. Steve K. from Vegas. How’s it going, Steve? Um, well, thank you, Bob. Thank you for having me and hello to all your listeners out there. Well, I was gonna you can do a little monologue here if you’d like. I’ll just kick it over to you. Oh, I feel like we’re on the Jimmy Fallon show or Jimmy Killen. I get to go out on the stage. Yeah. Where’s the band?
Well, here, hold on a second. Let’s see. Gary, are you there? And that’s what she said. Oh, yeah, that’s true. Bob, you are a great asshole. Thank you, Gary. All right. Go ahead, Steve. Okay, I’m just going to read some crap to you guys. I’m reading right off a piece of paper. I can afford to do that here because you can’t see me and my glasses. I just want you to know that I am competing very hard for my next gig. as a shopping cart attendant. I believe I got what it takes. I won’t let anything or anyone stand in my way. Not even my comedy career. I really feel I got this. And between the busting music on the street and DoorDash, I won’t need to work anywhere else and I can focus more
on my open mic career. There we go. Hey, thank you. Give me the light. In comedy, we have the light, Bob. So give me the light when my time’s up, all right? Oh, I’ll just, I’ll give you the hook, but go right ahead. Yeah, give me the hook. You know, they used to say when we were young, don’t trust anyone over 30. Now it’s the opposite. We’re being erased. Okay, look at a magazine, 40 successful people under 40. Every time there’s an acting gig, they don’t want us. The jobs I work, young people ride around in golf carts, three, four of them, or they’re hiding and they come around to make sure that I’m not leaning up against the wall. In speed dating, all the groups of 25 to 35, 35 to 42, you don’t have anything really above 42. Maybe incorporate a 55 plus island
but we will be the final generation. I know, don’t laugh at your own words. Thank you. Some foods know not to enter my mouth because my body is like the Hotel California. You can check in anytime you want, but it can never leave. It takes me two days to shit out a slice of pizza. Passing gas is your body’s way of saying, hey, I got food trapped inside of me. Sometimes I feel like a rocket ship that keeps trying to take off, but it can’t, so it keeps shooting out flames. Never ask a woman… Thank you, Bob. Thank you for the mercy laugh, the mercy symbols. Two more jokes and you’ll be out of your misery, everybody. Never ask a woman her age. We should all know that by now. It’s written somewhere.
in the Ten Commandments, but it’s a double standard. Just like it’s okay for a woman to clean a men’s room when men are urinating. Recently, a woman bluntly asked me how old I was. I told her the truth. She replied, still kicking it. Huh? As she looked me up and down, I said, stop sizing me up. What the hell does that mean, still kicking it? anyway you haven’t you haven’t kicked a bucket yet? You haven’t kicked over? Yeah, but i i’m still kicking it. I’m kicking it hard. Thank you. When I was a child, they were tearing up the woods. So I tried putting up uh flyers oh they’re tearing up the woods, right? And every time they’re tearing up the woods, I thought, wow, you know, new kids are gonna move in and i’m gonna make some new friends because i didn’t have any friends. That’s why i was riding my bicycle around in the woods, right?
Well, these kids, they would not be friends with me. They were rich kids. They became friends with the popular kids. So then not only did I not have any friends, but I didn’t have any more woods to ride through. So I tried putting up flyers, like for a flag football league. Nobody showed up. You know, this is before the internet. I don’t know. Oh, oh, wait, one more thing and I’ll stop, all right? Well, I’m going to bring it up. I’m going to turn it around, okay? I got an email from Plausible. Anybody, you should all join Plausible because you’ll get it on the email list. You can participate in, like, workshops and comedy. And they sent out emails. Who’s on your comedy team? And I had to think about it. Nobody but me. If I were in a bubblegum shrimp boat…
Not even Lieutenant Dan without his legs would come join me. I try to start an open mic here. Applause will go to Forrest and friends. I get everybody one day notice. I sat there for one hour. Nobody’s sure. This is my career in a nutshell. I will hand it back to you, Bob. Thank you. Oh, okay. Let me give you some applause there. Well, I was wondering at one point there during your monologue if we weren’t going to be starting a support group here. Well, that’s what it is. Comedy is a support group. I’m not going to lie. It’s just something I do. I think you’ve got a couple of different divergent support groups going. You have the constipation support group and then also the comedy slash support group. So maybe you can combine the two.
Why not? I mean, I try to start an open mic implausible, but apparently I’m not cool here. I’m not popular. Well, nobody is. You know how it goes, Steve. I know. I try not to take it personally. I’m trying to find a funny in it, Bob. You’d be on TikTok if you were really popular. I’ve been on TikTok. It’s a horrible app. That’s where Miles is right now. Miles Title, my co-host for Static Radio. He’s over on TikTok right now. I guarantee it. We won’t touch him, will we? Oh, no, I judge him constantly. Totally judge him. All right. Well, let’s not talk about him. Let’s talk about you, Steve. So you’ve been doing comedy for how long now? I started in 2006. Really? 2006? And what was the catalyst to do this? Well, I was always a writer from a time I was 12. But I went on a website for a local comedy club where I lived. And it was like a little ad site.
comedy classes. You too can become a comedian. I think it was $250 for the class. Now, I never thought about how do you become a comedian. I like some comedy. I’m like, wow, you could take a class and you could actually do comedy. I never thought about it. Wow, I’m going to take this class. I made up my mind when I saw that ad. I was 39 years old and I took the class. And ever since then, I quit many times. I walked away, but I’ve been obsessed. I’ve been obsessed with comedy for the last 20 years. Interesting. But it sounds like, I mean, is comedy… It’s not doing it for you. You have all these kind of, you know, bad experiences. Because of me. I have to take accountability for what I did. What were you doing? I’m just like a piece of wood that needed to be sanded down. I was rough around the edges. I’m the guy…
who goes from one extreme to the other, who doesn’t talk much or talks your ear off, who doesn’t know how to make things, who’s too real maybe, too open about himself. There’s too much for people to handle. Gotcha. Well, that’s a good question. So you thought that maybe you were touching on subjects that people were uncomfortable with? Uh, yeah, I, I believe it wasn’t funny. And, and, uh, you know, I’ve been told many times, this is not your therapy session, Steven. You have to talk about things that people can relate to it. That’s part of my problem. I have to, I have to let go of my narcissism and, you know, make it about other people. That’s how you get people to like you. That’s why I’m so alone. You know, I’m, I’m too self involved. Well, how can you get out of your head? That’s what you always got to do. You got to get out of your head, you know?
Have you tried anything else? I mean, you took a comedy class. So, I mean, you showed some initiative to do something, right? That you thought, oh, this will be interesting. I like comedy. I want to do this, right? And now you’ve just told me one of the issues that you’re having. So why haven’t you attacked that issue the way you attacked the comedy thing? I think I finally found the formula. It took 20 years because I mean, I told you I’ve been going to open mics on and off, and I was the awkward, clumsy kid who couldn’t fit in at these mics. I always made maybe one or two friends, or I would get paranoid. I thought I was too popular, and I would just disappear and hide for two years. And in comedy, when you disappear, when you stop coming around, it’s like you’re erased when you come back. You know, nobody knows you. You’re a couple years older, too, and people don’t like old people. So that’s, you know, I’m just… I…
Now, why do you think people don’t like old people? That’s the feeling. I remember I went to a workshop. Look around. Brad Pitt is freaking 60 years old. They love him. He’s old. He’s incumbent. They saw when he was young and he was attractive. I went to a comedy workshop one time and the manager said, amongst other things, amongst telling us that some of us are mentally ill and other things, he said that you should be young. It’s okay if you want to make it come and you’re older, but you’ll have to work twice as hard. You see, the entertainment business does not like old people. I see the comments. I see the way people act to me. Some people, young people, are cool, but a lot of them, you know, they don’t like us. They don’t want us around. We’re like extinct dinosaurs that they barely tolerate. Well, I think, you know, I think you’re right.
You’re overdoing it a little bit. I think you’re letting it affect you. That’s part of my problem. I take everything personally, too personally. Yes. Do you enjoy doing this? I love it. Okay. Then just do it. And whatever their hang-ups are, they’re hang-ups. And you just have to do what you want to do as long as you’re not hurting anybody else. I mean, you’re just having fun. What’s wrong with that? It took me a long time to figure it out, but I’m learning not to look at other comics and their success. I just try to… Oh, the jealousy factor. That’s what you’re getting at. Horribly. But I’m trying my best just to be the best… Why are you jealous? Why are you jealous? What is wrong with Steve that he has to be jealous of some other numbskull out there? Because they…
Their existence is credited because they’re on flyers. They’re in real shows. Oh, come on. I feel like a zero. I feel like Scrooge, like he’s dead and he’s looking through the window. That’s how I feel. I felt this way my whole life. And the more I talk about it, I can’t talk. I’m talking about it here, but I don’t talk about it because I know people don’t want to hear about it. It repels people. Well, I’m trying to help. So you have to… Okay, everybody can’t be famous, Steve. There’s only so many slots. I don’t want to be famous. I just want to be counted. You are counted. You’re counted. You’re there. You’re doing it. You are the 1% if you’re doing it. You don’t realize this, right? So you talk about the 1% of people who have all the money and everything, right? And whenever you look at the world, chances are you’re in the 1%.
if you have a steady job or any kind of means. But if you look at the comedy world and you look at based on everybody else, you are in probably better than the 1% because you’re actually doing something. Most people do nothing. And they criticize what we do. They’re trolls. That’s fine. That’s what they do. But they’re not actually creating something. something they’re reacting to something they’re not creating and you know, you have to keep take keep perspective right so you’re you’re if you can imagine you’re looking at everything with a magnifying glass and there’s a whole world around you that you’re not seeing because you are looking at it through this magnifying glass and all you’re seeing is what is through that glass. Whenever there’s a whole world around that glass, that is,
that you are beyond, right? You’re past all these people because you’re already doing something. Well, that’s what Instagram helped, Bob, because I was always focusing on the people I knew from the mics. Like, oh, why do they like, why does so-and-so like his post? But then I saw some guy in India in a hut is liking my video. You don’t know he’s in a hut, Steve. Well, you know what I’m saying? You’re right. I’m looking past that, past the bullshit and the local politics. And, you know, and I just like a Babe Ruth, I want to hit that ball out of the stadium, man. Then do it. I mean, here’s the difference, right? You know, the terrible thing, and this is something that, you know, maybe I’ve realized over time, the terrible thing is the most funny people are not the ones who are out in front of everybody.
It’s the palatable people. The people who are accepted, acceptable and accepted. They are the ones that everybody knows because they’re not, they’re middle of the road. I thought about that. You’re truly, truly, truly hilarious. People are nowhere on the scene anywhere because they’re so far beyond the That people don’t get it. And I think about that when the Quake people watch me laughing. I know they’re thinking that they’re funnier than me. And, you know, who the hell am I to get up and try to be funny? You know, I’m like, why don’t they get up and show that they’re funny? Because I feel ashamed getting up and, you know, spitting out blanks when these funny people can get up and be funnier than me. Yeah. But it’s okay. Because they’re wherever they want to be. It’s not…
You know, you can’t enter every race and you can’t win every race. So don’t bother with it. Just do what you want, you know? Yeah. If you’re happy doing it, you should do it, you know? Absolutely. You know, and all roots back to staying in your lane, Bob. No, you don’t have to. That’s the thing. There’s no lanes, my friend. There’s no lanes. I’m making an analogy. I got cut from the basketball team three times, so I finally joined swimming and track. There’s no tryouts in swimming and track. You stayed in your lane. You weren’t in competition. There’s no politics, cheerleaders. You just stayed in your lane, and you were the best swimmer and the best runner you could be. You are the swimming champion of the comedy world, my friend.
Well, my real name is Carpy. It’s like a fish. Carp. I always say carp. Fish. So I am a fish. I just don’t like saying it because it doesn’t sound funny to me. It sounds clumsy and awkward when I say it. And even Pablo said Steve K. Anybody knows Pablo Lewin? Yeah, Pablo. So check him out, Pablo Lewin. That’s great. Yeah, Pablo’s fantastic. He’s a great guy. He sat here on the dais as well. I imagine so. All of you have kept me in calm. Even when I’m not going to mics, I just come onto this platform. I get so much love that you guys inspire me to go back to the mics. Let’s get away from this downer, Steve, and let’s talk about the fun, Steve. You recently took a trip across…
The country, basically. Correct. Now, again, I know people who, you know, haven’t left their, you know, 50 mile radius of their house in 20 years. And here you are cutting across the country. I mean, that had to be some adventure. Oh, it was. By the way, it was my seventh time doing that. Oh, my Lord. Well, the other six times, what was the funnest one? I don’t think any of them were fun. But I always think those kind of trips are nothing but material generation trips. Because something is going to happen, whether you want it to or not. And chances are, if you can filter out the difficulties, it’s probably funny. Well, it’s funny because a lot of stuff could have happened. You’re right. I could have had a heart attack. I got sick. I could have crashed, right? By the grace of God, I made it. But both times I had a story to tell was at the hands of the people who were supposed to help us and protect us and serve us.
Yeah. Trouble with the police. Yeah. Out trying to hurt people, not help people. They’re the ones who gave me material. I’m sure. I’m sure. Well, what happened? First time. And I’m not going to name a state. I’m paranoid. I’m afraid they’re going to look me up and come and stalk me or something. That’s how sick I am. But I was in an unnamed state. Can you give us a region? Yeah. Like out east, were you in the Midwest? Were you out west? All right. It’s southeast of you. It’s the state just – it’s like right below the state just east of you. Tennessee? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No cities. My first time driving through – I made it through Texas all right. There was a border patrol stop in the middle of the state. I don’t know why. There’s only two cities in Tennessee. There’s Nashville. I’m not going to say the name. You can say it. And there’s Knoxville. That’s it. I don’t want to get the office in trouble. I’m afraid I saw what Ray Liotta, some movie where he was obsessed. He was a cop. I’m afraid of cops, to tell you the truth. Sure. This individual, he was in a little island somewhere.
And it always happens 20 minutes before I get to the hotel. After driving all day. That’s what I mean. I’m almost there. I got through hell and fury. And then the final prize is there waiting 20 minutes in a hotel. Anyway, he was on the medium. I’m always very careful. I don’t speed. I never speed. I saw him. I didn’t make eye contact. I’m driving along about a mile down the road. I see he’s following me. And then I’m like knuckling it. I’m trying to do everything right. You know, and I’m even afraid to change lanes. Hope he’ll go away. Yeah. Then all of a sudden, the lights. I get out. He comes up. Hey, how you doing? I pulled you over because you were following the guy in front of you just a little too close. Okay, yeah. Something that’s hard to prove. Okay. You want to step out of the car. I did. You don’t have any weapons on you or anything, do you? You never know these days. And I remember I said to him,
Live by the sword, die by the sword. Because I don’t carry weapons with me. Dennis is kind of weird, but he invites me to sit down in the front seat of the cop car with him. And then all of a sudden he goes, I got a call on the radio. I got to go. Was he just looking for companionship? I don’t know. I’m lonely. I’m lonely out here on the highway. It was weird, you know, but it just kind of, I’m obsessive. I replay these things in my head over and over again. That’s why I like to drive. Sometimes cops will just pull you over just for being on the road. And I find to be psychologically traumatic. They don’t think about that. That’s bizarre. Well, you had out-of-state plates, number one. I know I did. I drive a rental car. Give me a break, you know? And they used to harass me. And I had a personal car. It was a piece of shit. That’s back on Long Island. They used to harass me. I was delivering Uber Eats late at night.
rich neighborhoods, because they don’t want to pull over the rich people who pay taxes and drove 100 miles an hour, so they went after people who were delivering doordash to them. Oh, my goodness. But anyway, yeah, that was one incident. Another incident was in another state i got i got actually i got a question for you. You said you delivered doordash i have a uh i have a theory yeah i’ve talked about this several times it’s an anecdotal a theory. Every time I see a DoorDash driver picking up food while I’m out traveling or what have you, they always go to the bathroom. And they take their DoorDash bag with them. Oh. Did you ever do that, Steve? Well, I didn’t use a DoorDash bag. I just brought it in the car. I know, but did you take the food into the bathroom with you? No. And I usually didn’t go to the bathroom. I would just piss in the bush and lock the food in the car. Oh, well, hey. I support Steve’s DoorDash pissing in the bush bag.
And I would carry these little Kleenex wipes with me, these little restaurant wipes, and wipe my hands with alcohol to make sure your food is freshly served. Well, you are one of the few, my friend. I was in the suburbs of Chicago. Guy comes in, puts the food in the DoorDash bag, heads right into the John. Wow. I’ve seen it more than once in different places. Anyway, I don’t DoorDash, unfortunately, because of these… Sightings. Yeah. Um, of course, you know, I mean, Hey, but you know, it’s, it’s a way to make a few bucks, but you do that kind of work. There’s no human contact. When you work of an app, you’re not working with people and getting to know them yeah it’s a lonely you’ve had lonely existence here. You got to get you, you got to put yourself uh in situations where you’re, you know,
First cohabitation. I’ve lived that life, Bob, and it’s like a glacier. My life before the pandemic was like a glacier and it broke off. And I’m building a new life, but I’m not in that island. I had another life. I’m like one of those movies where the hero wakes up with amnesia and he had another life and he had a family and a career. I’m like that. And I’m just rebuilding a new life. And it’s in the comedy and music world. Okay. Yeah, I know you play the trumpet, right? Correct. Actually, before we get into your trumpet playing, I think Gary is going to play us a quick little song, and then we’ll be right back, okay? All right. One, two, three, four.
I forgot to put Gary on the screen. I didn’t even cue him up. I’m sorry, Gary. Bob, you are a great asshole. I know, Gary. I’m sorry. But Steve plays the trumpet, and I see you play the trumpet on your Instagram. I must say, in all honesty, Steve, I have never actually heard you play the trumpet. I’ve only seen you play the trumpet. Oh… Oh, you mean like you want to hear an audio, you mean? Well, because a lot of times when I’m scrolling through my Instagram, I have the sound all the way down because I have to because somebody else is sleeping. And so, yeah, I see you play the trumpet all the time, but I actually have never listened to your trumpeting because of my nocturnal habits. I want to thank you for telling me that, Bob.
It gave me some insight into your typical Instagram viewer. I think that’s true. I’ll tell you, if you have to put basically on-screen titles for me, because a lot of times I can’t get to sleep or whatever, and so I’m just kind of scrolling, and I don’t like earbuds or anything, and because I’m going to go to sleep eventually. It’s just I got to get there, right? So I’m just scrolling through and reading and whatnot. And so then whenever I get onto a video, I read it. I don’t listen to it. I read it. I read everything. Everything is reading. You know what? I think we become a visually obsessed society. I think audio is taking a second fiddle to video, Bob. You’re not alone.
Well, yeah, but I mean, the crazy thing, I mean, for podcasts have just exploded. And so that’s all mostly audio. And, but yeah, as far as short format kind of stuff, I generally don’t listen to it. I mean, it’s very, very rare that I’ll listen to anything on the short format stuff. I thank you. It helps me to figure, realize, you know, that how to target, people in social media. Now you, now I’ve made it worse. I just, I just got through talking to you about how you need to do what you want to do. And now you’re already targeting it again. You got to get out of that mindset. You got to do, here’s what I like to do and I’m going to do it and throw it out to the world. And if nobody watches it, who cares? You’ve done it. It’s the doing, you know, people always say it’s the journey, not the destination. Yeah.
Yeah, no, there’s always that one or two person in your life who says something that sticks to you, like, why are you making a fool of yourself? Why don’t you shut up and sit down? There’s always that one or two people that you hear, and it sticks with you, and I hear those voices. I don’t remember even who said it, you know? Well, it was probably your aunt or somebody. I don’t know. You know, I met so many people in my life, I don’t remember, but that’s a problem. I got to wash my hands of this negativity, this stuff in the past. exactly you just you just need to do for yourself and not for other people. Yes. That makes sense segment except for me, because you’re on my show. So I’m going to ask you, if you’d like to play a little bit of a game, we’ve got um i’m going to read them off to you here. This is just like a little
improvisational games that I’ve kind of come up with that are based on other games, perhaps some of them. And would you be interested in playing an improvisational game? Yeah, I’m good at improv. I’m not good at games. So maybe I’ll be 50%. Well, the improv is the game, so it’s okay. So I’m going to run through the ones that I have here, and I’ll let you pick one at random, and we will see where it goes. Hit me. Okay. All right, first one, World Gone Mad. Funny commentary from us about the crazy happenings in the world. I’ll start it off with a topic, and then we’ll see where it goes from there. What a story. I asked the guest to tell everyone a story. I will pick a random topic and put them on the spot and critique them along the way. So you got to tell a story about the topic that I pick. Mind Guck, I and you have to come up with a crazy piece of
I want you to come up with a crazy piece of trivia that you just totally make up, but you need to convince me that it’s real. Did you know, Steve, that on average 18,000 new species are discovered each year? Example. You are the expert. You have to pretend to be an expert in a field that I pick and be convincing. Word spew. going to give you identity and i’m going to give you random words. So like benedictine monk and the word calligraphy. What would have been benedictine monk have to say, you know, opposite calligraphy? Ask not. I pose a question to you and they need to give the worst advice possible on the topic. Any of those interest you? Well, let’s pick one. What? All right. Which one interests you? I’m sorry. I narrowed it down to two. So it’s between them. It’s between being an expert about species or giving it a bad advice. Oh, that is asked not or you are an expert. All right. Well, I think I’m hoping to give a lot of bad advice. Let’s try this. We’ll do the ask not. Okay.
My first question is, how do you get people to sign up for a flag football team or something? What was that? How did I do that? No, I’m joking because you didn’t get anybody to sign up. Oh, yeah, by putting up paper flyers around on trees with scotch tape from a kid who nobody wants to be friends with. That’s how you do it. No. All right. This is going to give the worst advice. Okay. All right. I’m having a dinner party for my boss. What should I make? What should you make? Well, you should prune juice with vodka. Is that to start out or is that the nightcare? Yeah, yeah. When they come and give us prune juice with vodka and then be very nice and
accommodating when they have to go to the bathroom because they’re going to need you. Have fun. A lot of port-a-potties outside. And then… Oh, so you bring in port-a-potties just for this dinner. Okay. Just for this dinner. It’s a port-a-potty dinner, but they don’t have to surprise in the backyard because they’re going to need it. They’ll still be happy that you had it because they’ll need it. They’ll be running there. They’ll be begging for a toilet. Will you have… Are you going to recommend the hand-washing station where you got to pump it with your foot? Um… Yes, yes, they will. I would recommend that. And cow sills for urination, too, while it’s both coming out both ends. Okay. So we’ve got the drinks portion all squared away. All right. For the entree, well, maybe the appetizer. Oh, you’re going to have an appetizer? Yeah. Mashed potatoes mixed with tapioca pudding. So any questions?
food coloring in that to make it look like what they just left in the porta potty or leave it white. So you could both spaceships like richard dreyfus and close encounters. All right. So we get tapioca, uh, mashed potatoes. That’s, uh, sounds delightful. And maybe for dinner, scrambled eggs with pizza. They put the scrambled eggs on top of the pizza. It’s pretty good. Oh, really? Yeah. Now, oddly enough, I don’t find that as revolting as everything else so far. Scrambled eggs on pizza? Yeah, it’s pretty good. It sounds like a hangover cure or something. It will help with the diarrhea. It will help solidify the fluidity. Okay. See, we owe kindness. We make you shit, but then we help remedy that problem. We offer solutions. Going to firm you up there, firm your system up. There you go. That’s right. And for dessert? Probably some kind of fudge brownie rocky road ice cream or milkshake just to help soften things up again if it got a little deblocked up on the pizza. Okay.
The funny thing is your meal kept getting better and better. It started out really bad. At the end, it sounds really good. Yeah, I know. That’s not bad advice at all. See, I suck at giving bad advice. Well, you started out really good, and then you kind of trailed off there. It was off-the-cuff shit. Now, what can I tell you, man? Exactly. And then, so, like, are we going to have, like, cigars and brandy afterwards? What’s your thoughts? We’re going to have cigars, but they’re going to be filled with angel dust. Okay. And then when they get real thirsty and paranoid, we’re going to give them more prune juice and vodka. Oh, and then the cycle starts over again. That’s right. It’s like an all-nighter. That’s right. You said it’s all for the bosses and the corporates.
Yeah, right, yeah, from my boss. So before, we’re going to say very bad things, personal things that are going to embarrass these corporate executives, these bosses, whatever. Maybe videos of them with a hooker or just things you overheard them say, and you’re going to blast them. We’re going to Corleone them, huh? We’re going to Corleone them. That’s right. Humiliate them. Yeah. All right. Some of this isn’t bad advice. All right. Gary’s going to play us another little song here. Thank you very much. Thank you very much. Thank you. And good night. Not quite yet, Gary. We got one little more segment here with Steve before we go. And let’s talk about the future of Steve. The future of Steve. So where is, I mean, you want to do comedy. You’ve been doing comedy for 20 years. I mean, come on. Well, I finally figured out the formula, Bob.
is just to stop, like you said, stop looking in the magnifying glass just to get better. When I go to these mics now, I’m not really focusing on who’s watching, who’s listening. I try, but I just try to do the best set that I can. That’s an intellectual. And I also, I socialize at these mics. I hang out. I get to know comics. I never used to get to know them. I would just go there. I wouldn’t talk to anybody. I would get up thinking I’m going to be hilarious and everybody’s going to love me. you know, and walk out. And the best thing to do is to get to know people before. I mean, if you were the girl and you want to go to bed with her, you kind of woo her and get to know her first, right? Depends on how much money you have, but sure. Yeah, when you make an audience, it’s like having sex with them. In physical sex, you’re entering their brain. They’re allowing you to insert yourself into their cerebrum. So how do you feel about the gimmick comics?
Listen, I could be hateful and angry. The old self would. But whatever they’re doing, let them do that. They’re in their lane. That’s why I’m by a lane. They’re in a lane. You, you, you, you, I do me. I’m trying to repeat that mantra to myself. So if you had to pick somebody who was your, you know, comedy idol, you’re like, I kind of try to emulate who? Well, the guy who I idol is dead now and I wanted to be just like him because he was real and raw. There was a comic named Mike DiStefano. He died in 2012. Did you know him? No, I don’t. He was an East Coast comic. In fact, there’s a picture of him posing with Greg Giraldo and another comic who died. I forgot. They’re all dead. They must have went to your dinner party. Maybe. That’s quite possible. You know what? When comics die, we’re always happy because we think it’s an open slot for us.
Oh, that’s horrible, Steve. That’s so horrible. And he was just real. He had HIV. He was a drug addict. He just was raw. He wasn’t trying to be funny. And he used to say, don’t do bringer shows. Don’t take comedy classes. Don’t do anything with these people in the industry because they just want to attach themselves to him. He was so angry and so cynical and so raw. And yet he made it to Comedy Central. I wanted to meet the guy, but he died of a heart attack when he was 46 years old. Holy moly, that’s terrible poor guy that but i i guess i take it that’s problem i want to be too angry and too raw. And you got to sand that down. I’m working on just keeping it simple. Well, I think you can still be angry. I think that it’s the how do i say this?
The anger isn’t the issue. It depends on how it comes across, right? So you can be blustery and say vicious things, but the number one thing is they kind of have to be true, and they have to come from an angle that people will connect with and understand, but also that has humor in it. Well, that’s why I say nothing more funny than real stuff. And so, yeah, I mean, but you can’t just be angry, angry. I think you have to it has to come from a position of of humor. Yeah, you said it was the world, according to Steve, not everybody sees they didn’t get the memo. They can’t read my mind. They’re not on my way. I’m trying to figure out people because I look at people.
Sometimes I think… Don’t even try. Just forget that thing. I looked at them. We have nothing in common. No relation. And that’s where the alienation and the anger comes in. Yeah. No, but then lean into that. Lean into that. That was Dangerfield. I get no respect. No respect, right? He totally leaned into that aspect of his bit, right? And everybody thought it was funny. And he probably was saying a lot of truthful things. I mean, some of them were goofy, but you know what I mean? And, but that was, you know, that’s what he leaned into. So, so lean hard into something like that. You know what I mean? And, and try to find the, the funny part of it, the, the gem in there. It’s funny. You should mention Rodney. Cause you asked me comics. I admired, I admired Rodney. Yeah.
I also he smoked. He smoked the Angel Dust cigar. That’s for sure. Absolutely. When he was in the emergency room, he had to sneak into the bathroom to smoke a joint because his wife. But he kept like me, kept stepping away from comedy and coming back. And he finally made it at 48. I’m going to get Rodney. I’m going to make it. But then 48 came and went and never made it. Well, no, but you have to remember, I mean, everybody, it doesn’t, you know, sometimes the rewards are not monetary. It’s not about the money for me, Bob. I’ll make money anywhere. It’s not about the money. Yeah, you’ll do it there. There you go. It’s this big feeling that you count like you belong, you know, like you go somewhere and like, you know, I,
comedy scene, you got to keep showing your face because if you go somewhere, people don’t know you. It’s like, they’ll, they’ll just, you’re, you’re invisible. Yeah. True. Well, Steve, do you have anything you want to, you want to tell us your Instagram account or anything like that? Sure. And it’s funny because of, you know, you like cats and my Instagram handle is named after my, my cat, my deceased cat, Tommy, Tomity, Tomity. Tomity. That’s right, because there was no comedy left. There was no comedy handles on Instagram. And I thought quick, and I thought, my cat, I used to call him Tomity. So it’s Tomity, and so on. And he lives on. He died, but he lives on through that name. That’s fantastic. That is such a nice, sweet, sentimental statement there to end on. Everybody watch for Steve. Not me. He’s going to go someplace. My cat’s becoming famous. My dead cat is not me. That’s okay.
Live vicariously through your cat. Whatever you got to do, Bob. Whatever formula, whatever recipe you got. Exactly. Tomody, Instagram, at Tomody. Did you get it anywhere else or just on Instagram? You can find me on YouTube, Comedy From The Streets, Steve K4092, Steve K-K-A-Y 4092, or you could find me on YouTube, Trumpet and Talk, or you could find me on YouTube, Steve K’s Variety Show, K-A-Y-S, Steve K’s Variety Show, because it’s a variety of bullshit. The manure of the internet at Steve K’s Variety Show. Well, Steve, thanks for being here with me tonight. And Gary, are you going to play us out? And we’ll wrap up our show tonight. Here we go.

Miles plumbs around and finds out at the local big-box hardware store, while Bob is trying to figure out what Miles is up to.

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Miles plumbs around and find out at the local big-box hardware store, while Bob is trying to figure out what Miles it up to.

Bad AI Transcript

Whoa, balloon. Hello? Hey, I got one black, one white, one black, one white, one black, and one white picture of you. You’re going to go ahead and catch your breath. Yeah, that was… I was writing this song in my head yesterday. Man, I got to get my friend Smidge to do the guitar for me. It’s very upbeat. Your friend Smidge, who you ignore until you want something? Oh, Pot, Cone, Kettle, Black… And Miles… Hey, Miles, you got a truck? You got something for me? Yeah. Yeah. Anyway. I thought it was funny. Yeah, I guess so. Is that the whole song or you got more to it? It’s going to be along those lines. I mean, you know, I’m going to sing about my dog too, you know. Okay. I saw it originally. I was singing about my dog. So I got one black and one brown and one black and brown and one black and one brown.
Or your country classic, I’m nothing but my dog’s bitch. I’m nothing but my dog’s bitch. Yeah. i’m glad i could be of service. I’m glad i could be of service. For scratching your itch i’m nothing but my dog. I’m just gonna be on the b side of my song. Sounds a lot like a rapid rod. Yeah. So static radio smiles. Oh, you’re here. Okay. Yeah. I just, I’m writing movies. I write songs. I’m very creative. Yeah. You’re very, you’re well, I like to think of different scenarios to put myself in just for fun. So you write a lot of porno movies? Is that what you’re saying? In my head? Yes. No. No, come on. And I’m going to go into the Hallmark store. Frank! No, Frank! Gretchen. Frank from Blue Velvet? They’re going to have the new
2026 ornaments. Yeah. Yeah. Well, anyway, that’s it. Interesting. No, you’re a very creative guy. You don’t have a very good record of getting things actually done, but you think of a lot of things. If I can just impose on people and get them to do the work, then… Yeah, well, yeah, then that’s your… You know, I’m an idea guy, Chuck. I’m the idea guy, yeah. Yeah, okay. I’m the Tom Holtz of parenthood, you know. Yeah, that’s probably for sure. That is for sure, yeah. Everyone’s going to have to Google this whole show and be like, I don’t know what the hell he’s talking about. The reference thing, like movies that are like 100 years old. Night Shift? What do you mean? Who’s the Fonz? He’s still on TV. He’s on Hazardous History or something like that. Oh, that guy works a lot. Yeah.
Nowadays, he does. Yeah, he does. Henry Winkler. The Wink. The Wink Man, yeah. Well, you had a story. I don’t really have a story this week. I can’t think of anything. I mean, I could talk about you making fun of me. That’s about it right now. You know, I don’t know. Yeah. So you said you had a big story today, and then you did not like my response. You’re going up on story. Yeah, this jabroni reminds me that we’re recording tonight, which I had forgotten. Yeah, well, every time there’s a holiday. I do. It screws me up, man. It’s like me. I’m like one day behind. Your work doesn’t call you and go, are you going to show up? Miles, now get down here. We had a three-day weekend. I thought I didn’t work anymore. Yeah, get down here, Miles.
Somebody’s got to make the donuts, Miles. Another old reference. Thank you. Everyone’s going to be lost in this. I went to a big box store for my plumbing needs. What kind of plumbing needs did you have? I got like a leaky shower thing going on. And it’s been going on. Is it leaking in the shower or outside the shower? No, in the shower. Like the faucet part is like… To me, that is… If I was going to channel Miles’ title, I would say that’s taking care of itself because there’s a drain right there. Everything is working. Yeah, it’s perfect. Why do I need to deal with it? Because it’s working still. After about two weeks of this, I’m like, I better fix this. And a water bill that went through the roof. Yeah, I know. Because I just paid the water bill and it was like 20 bucks higher. I’m like, what the fuck? Everyone is showering all day while this leak is happening. I haven’t showered for a week because of the leak. And I went to the first big box store, which…
know it’s like a huge store, but there’s only like four people that work there. So there’s like no help, you know, like, okay, well this well then just go to YouTube. That’s what i do. Well, I had to get the part and stuff. I had to figure out what i had to get. I I’m old school. I go to places okay no problem and uh so i went to the second box store because, uh, my, Like, my oldest son’s best friend works there i’m like oh hey yeah you know, Big Dave will help me out, you know. Well, what’s up, Miles? I heard you got a leaky flower. Even though it’s the wrong department, you know, I always bug this guy anyway he’s like i all i do is water the flowers. That’s it. That’s all i do. I just get the carts. Why do you insist on asking me these stupid, like, this makes up the answer. That’s why i’m out here. I don’t know i was like,
I don’t know. I’ll three. I don’t know. Fuck. I don’t know. I’ve never, I didn’t even, I only, I just walked through. I go to the break room. That’s it. I take a crap. I come back out. I get the cards and water the shit. And yeah, that’s it. And, uh, I realized early on the big Dave is not at work. I’m like, Oh, so I went to the actual department by myself. Like a big boy. Big boy. And I found the desk that the help should have been at. And it was unoccupied. Of course. And it says, today’s crew members for your needs will be Christy and Susie or something like that. like oh that sounds nice. You know, it’s probably too, you know, young lady. Very efficient, uh, licensed plumbers yeah yeah i’m like i’m like i don’t care. You know, anybody could work here. I don’t care. I don’t want to talk to no broad plumber. And I, uh, no, I did not play that card, but anyway, I, uh,
I cannot find anyone in this department. So I go to the next department and there’s like, dude, it looks like a very young Santana working there. Hey, Santana. I go, Hey, I showed him a picture of my nasty bathtub. He’s like, Oh, you guys ever hear a soft scrub? Yeah. Like, wow. What the fuck? You may just want to replace all that. Yeah. Yeah. Good deal. Yeah. Did they have a bathtub from Ed Gein’s house? What’s with all the toenails? Yeah, what is that? He’s cutting toenails in there like 24-7. Yeah, right. So I explained it to him. He’s like, oh, well, I’ll just summon one of these ladies over to help you. Right, yeah, the experts. I’m like, oh, okay. I’ll just sashay my way back over there, you know.
I go there and I’m hanging out looking all cool. You know, you sashay is very funny. Yeah. I’m walking like some geisha, you know, it’s like, yeah. Yeah. If you’ve ever seen the old Warner brothers cartoons, the guy, the big guy kind of dancing around Ferdinand, the bull. Yeah. Yeah. So, uh, Uh, so I wasn’t there too long. Right. And just out of nowhere, this lady like is be lining over there. Like literally, literally, I didn’t even say anything. Right. This is her. I’ll like, this is her coming in and she’s like, yeah. Okay. Well, what I got called over here. What do you need? Yeah. I’m like, I’m thinking this isn’t, you know, it’s Christy or Susie, I don’t think. And I say this to everyone. This is not a sexist remark. I go, what do you know about plumbing? Which I think she really took the wrong way because that kind of amplified. You ever hear the term fuck around and find out? Yeah, that’s a different.
This is what happened. She watched you sashay across the store. She’s like, oh, all right. We got a jackass right here. Some sexist jackass, you know, sashaying around. Well, I’m here. I got him here for your question. Where’s your important question at? Where is it at? Come on. You don’t even know what you need. I was a little intimidated by this woman. I’m going to be honest. It looked like she was in her early 30s. Okay. And she was not having it with me at all. She probably had a tough day with a bunch of jackasses like you. Sashaying around. Sashaying around the plumbing department asking stupid-ass questions. I told my wife, I go, either she was getting ready to eat lunch or she’s trying to take a crap or something and got coming over to help me. Right? Yeah.
And oh my God. Yeah. I don’t know what I interrupted, but I really regretted the whole, I’m like, you know, uh, I’m not, yeah, I don’t want to come back here anymore. I’m like, I didn’t think I’m going to get bullied, bullied three knuckles deep in a DeWalt sander. Yeah, no shit. So, uh, I finally would, you know, get out what I wanted to tell her. Like, excuse me. I know. I know. It’s like a bad Woody Allen film. You’re going to have to take it apart and you have to bring it in and I got to see it because as you can see over here, there’s 800 types of these things. Literally, literally, literally. Do you know how to turn off your water, young man? I said, hey, do I need to turn off the water with this? Yes, you do.
He goes, yeah. I was like trying so hard to defuse it. I’m like, okay, how do I get out of this? Let’s stop for just a moment. Why in the world were you trying to fix your shower yourself? This is not a Miles job. I don’t know. Well, We had an alcoholic try to fix it like five years ago, and apparently whatever he did did not hold. It did not hold, unfortunately. It held for five years. I think that’s pretty good, considering. Yeah. I was just like, man. I thought it was a put-on. I thought maybe my dryer story last week inspired you to actually take on and fix something yourself. I couldn’t remember how the drone guy fixed it. I’m like, shit, what did he do again? I think he stuck his finger somewhere, but I don’t remember. I don’t remember he stuck his finger. I thought it was a put-on, all right? I mean, her whole rant, I thought, okay, I was waiting for her to be like, just kidding. No. Well, typically…
They go by manufacturer. So if you have a Delta, do you have a Price Fister? I don’t know. What kind of hardware do you have there? I have no idea. I don’t know. Because my guess is it’s leaking out of the handle itself, potentially. Is that right? Yeah. You’ve got a little washers in there that are loose and not working. I know. Yeah. After a while, she kind of settled down a little bit. She’s like, okay, well, listen, okay, you want to undo it? Whenever she realized you were special needs. Yeah. She’s like, wow, maybe I came on a little too strong. You’re like, I’m in a hurry. I got to catch the bus. Yeah. She probably felt bad. Like, wow, wow, I was an asshole. Jesus. Wow. Talk about not giving an F.
I mean, just not, not given an F about anything. I’m like, wow. You know, you don’t, you don’t see people work like that. So I’m trying to defuse it. I go, Hey, I’m friends with big Dave over here. You mean David? Uh, okay. I call him Dave big day. Oh no. He goes by David. All right. Well, listen, I got to go. I should know. We’ve had sex. Yeah. Yeah. And let’s recall each other in the morning. And breakfast. I think I’ve never I’m never going back to this place again. Never. Never. Even to see Big Dave. Yeah. No, I don’t know. You know, when you get bullied in school, at least, you know, like some dude hits you in the back of the head and laughs and runs away. You know, this lady’s just totally, you know,
Eviscerating me. Yeah, what do you want? My name’s Bob Lament. I got a leaky faucet in the shower. I don’t think women know anything about plumbing. Oh, yeah. I know I was joking around with her. Yeah, I think I was joking around. You kind of got that Cliff Clavin attitude sometimes. Hey, Nammy. Yeah. Yeah. What do you know about plumbing there, Mary Sue? Yeah. So I’m like, I’m out of here. I’m out of here. You didn’t get it fixed. It’s still leaking. Yeah. So it’s still leaking. It’s not all water. Some of it’s my tears. I hate being bullied by women at like a big box store. God damn it. Jesus. Women get down on men, but, man, you can turn that around real easy. Oh, that’s right. I’m telling you, man. Thank you. You’ve got to be a man like Bob LeMet. Like, I have a gold problem. Number one, be prepared. Don’t just run over there and hope for the best. You know, take a picture. You know? You know, I’m just going to YouTube it and just.
you know i’m gonna have amazon send the shit i need yeah that’s what i do i’m done i’m just i’m done i’m done the only problem with plumbing is you know the water doesn’t stop yeah that’s the hard part about yeah plumbing to me is the worst kind of fix Well, I have no background in any of this, so… Well, I’m just saying because this water will not quit, right? You can turn the water off and what have you, but… Well, hey, you wanted to come up and visit, so really two birds, one stone. Fixing your effing shower? Yeah, come on up, man. Yeah, you can have like a tortilla or something, man. Here goes one tortilla for you. There you go. So, yeah. So, me getting bullied again. Again. Now…
I sweated pipe before, which is tough. I didn’t like that too much. But my good friend Mark, God rest his soul, he was really good at all that kind of stuff. So I probably would have called him. He got any family members that know anything about plumbing? Maybe they can come over. Oh, yeah. All of them do. He’s like a family of contractors. Listen, I act like I’m your cousin or something. Hey, man. I’m Bob’s cousin, man. Maybe you guys want to come over here. Yeah. No, they probably won’t do that. Probably not. So now what are you going to do? How are you going to solve this problem, my friend? You got a drippy faucet going on there. I’m YouTubing it. i’m youtubing it, that’s it. I know, but, oh, okay. This happened today, right? So this, you just got humiliated today, right? Yeah, oh yeah, I’m not kidding. Within a couple hours of me writing that, oh, I got a story, you’re like, oh, great, great. You know, I’m drying my tears as i’m writing this i’m an idiot. I’m an idiot
This preteen girl showed me up about plumbing at the big box store. I’m going to start cutting myself again. Well, I can see where if I were to witness this and didn’t know you from a slight distance at the big box store, I’d be like, yeah, that guy’s a total douchebag. Plumbing there, Mary Sue. I always say that to people, though. What do you know about putting in windows? What do you know about putting on a roof? What do you know about fixing a car? I always do that as a joke. Well, it didn’t work this time. No, it was a swing and a miss. It was a complete… She was already upset. She had to help me out. Well, she didn’t want to come to the booth, I don’t think. I think she probably was… Had been some hot…
Peace, like you, she’d probably be like, oh, okay. You know, me, you know. Hey, young lady, I’ve got this Price Fister shower knob thing that’s leaking. Aren’t you Bob Lament from the NASCAR? Here’s a picture of it. Oh, there’s a punkiest guy in St. Louis. Yeah, exactly. I was named Mr. Arch. Thank you. I bet. I bet. I bet. Mr. Arch. So, well, I think you’ve learned your lesson. Yeah. No more fuck around and find out. It’s going to happen. What’s next time when you go, well, I guess this thing’s going to leak again for another five years until you get the drunk guy to show up again. No, that’s, yeah, that guy’s out of the picture. He died of cirrhosis. Oh, he died, okay. No, I don’t know. No.
I’m kidding. He didn’t die on the road. I got to find another drunk plumber to come fix my stuff. I didn’t hire him, okay? I didn’t hire him. Oh, okay. He had such good ratings on the Facebook. Yeah, okay. We’ll go with that. I’m just waiting until Big Dave gets back from vacation where the fuck he’s at. Son of a bitch. That’s terrible. He’s got the nerve. He’s got the goddamn nerve. I’m sorry. Well, you know. Yeah, I don’t know. Whenever you’re a sexist asshole at the big box. I guess. I guess. I was joking. Joking. But you need to have a shirt, you know. Yeah. Aside from your $5 footlong shirt, you need to have a shirt. I’m just joking. Yeah. I don’t know. Maybe. Maybe. What do you know about…
Fat old white man at the big box store. I say it to even medical people. I go, this is not your first day, right? I mean, you’ve done this before. Oh, sir, you’re so funny. Doctor, doctor, this is not your first day. I have graduated. I did go through medical school and do two years residency. Yeah. You are an ass. You’re even an ass to the healthcare people. I like to test the waters. I like to go right to that edge sometimes. No wonder Dr. Mike hates you. I know. He’s like, you’re stupid. God, I hate you. Dr. Mark, by the way. Oh, Dr. Mark. I can’t keep him straight. You’ve got like a whole medical team there. Yeah. They’re like, ah. We got to keep this sucker alive, man. He keeps giving us cash. Dr. Mike, Dr. Mark. Well, I think you’ve learned your lesson, young man. And talk, make, you know, funny comments about the nice young ladies. Well, I don’t know if she was nice, but.
The individual who shacks up with this woman, I tell you what, holy Christ, man. Did you ask her about that as well? No, come on. I don’t know where you’re going with these things. I mean, who knows what you say out in public. I can’t win. I really can’t win. I get no respect. Hey, we got Mike and Steve here. You guys got Any plumbing stories where you offend the plumbing ladies at all or anything? You want to tell? No, I don’t have any plumbing stories. I guess would that be in regards of possible irritable bowel syndrome or something? Well, Miles has got you beat on that one. I don’t know. Well, I’m not Miles for one. I don’t require going to the bathroom that much.
often that would require my plumbing to be worked on. I’m sure he has all the… I don’t know what that means. I’m not sure what that… Michael, I’m sure there’s a lot of… Miles’ nickname is Scope. I don’t know if that means anything. Okay, well, you better not be scoping out my toilets over here. I am a toilet paperless… household i don’t believe in uh you know what i don’t need a bidet i got a dog yeah i got a bidet i got bidets all in just about every bathroom that i have in the house. I just I know, but you still need to have some paper. I have bidets, but every once in a while it doesn’t uh no no no because i i think what are you on a special diet or something? What the hell?
No, I’ve shared this with you numerous of times. When you use toilet paper, you smear it up in the cavity area. A duvet uses delicate, pressurized water to clean the area correctly, so you don’t have smear on your asshole area of the cavity, and it cleans it better. I think it’s scientific. The cavity, yeah. The cavity area. My asshole cavity. I think that’s what they say when you go to the doctor. How’s your asshole cavity today? That’s right. No, other than that, man, I had a good weekend. No, I attended Dragon Con. I went to Atlanta’s Dragon Con this past weekend. Oh, yeah. You sent me a thing on that, yeah. Dragon. It’s like, you know, Comic-Con thing. Oh, I thought it was like people dressed up in drag. That’s every single day, Miles. Come on. For you, yes. I went with a couple good friends of mine and I went as the 80s Joker and I got a video I sent to Bob here. Oh, yeah. I did. That’s good. Pretty good, yeah.
Did you win a prize or anything? What’s that? You won a prize or anything? No, it’s just for fun. Oh, okay. I did manage to scare a five, six-year-old, but other than that, it was pretty good. Was it just with the bidet talk or with the costume? No, I hope not. Hey, kids, you got a bidet? I’m going to tell you. that’s what he’s going to go as next year. He’s going to just basically have a bottle of water and be spitting on it. I’m a bidet. Yeah. You know, as, as I was strolling through as a mixture of old Jack and, uh, and the other, uh, Joker, right. I, I basically put it out like that. Hey kid, let’s put a smile on that face of yours. Oh my goodness.
Yeah, Dragon Con’s got to be a big deal these days here. Lots of people down there in the Atlanta area. And the old peach. That’s right. Well, that’s what you’re spraying off with your bidet, the old peach. We got Stephen Kennedy down there. What’s going on there, Stephen Kennedy? Well, you were talking about IBS. That’s right. I got IPS, irritable penis syndrome. Is that something your wife made up or something? Well, it’s just a compulsive need to urinate. I cannot stand the slight sensation in my lower abdomen. I’m a compulsive uriner. IPS, you have to shit all the time. IPS, you have to piss all the time. Miles has got both of those. He’s just constantly… He’s much like his shower. He’s just dripping constantly. What’s the cause of the irritable piss syndrome? Do you drink a lot of fluids or something? A lot of it is anxiety. I notice when my nervous system is more anxious or not feeling well, I have to piss more. It’s a compulsive thing. My parasympathetic nerve, when I
When I get high, that nerve is more sensitive and I can’t stand the slightest sensation of liquid. Oh, my God. You know, the interesting thing is if you paired up with somebody with irritable bowel, you could be their bidet. Oh, wow. Clean it up. Yeah. That must be… very uncomfortable when it comes to the sexual activity. Like, ah, shit, babe, hold on. I got to pull out. I got to go piss. Well, that’s the thing. I haven’t been with a woman in a quarter of a century. Oh, my. Steve, come on now. You’re going to make everybody cry here. Come on. That’s probably why. Because he’s got to piss every five seconds. Every second. Well, you said a woman caused, yes, the trauma. Trauma. One woman fucked up my life. I just can’t get turned on by sex anymore. I’m psychologically traumatized. Oh, my.
Miles, do you have any advice here? It looks like the Green River Killer, I think, with that river behind him. Oh, that’s horrible. I use my art. I am crazy, but I put it into my comedy. I try to have healthy outlets. Well, my friend, let me tell you something. If you ever come to visit, you’re not using my goddamn toilets. Don’t worry. I’ll be like Howard Hughes. I’ll piss in a whole bunch of cups like in the 80s. Well, I do reside up in the northeast Georgia mountains, not saying for privacy issues, but you’re more than welcome to use the nearby forest. The great outdoors. I’m not coming to your state because weed is not legal. I’m traumatized by states where weed is not legal. Really? I thought it was pretty much legal everywhere these days. I guess not, huh? No, especially in cancer. The state cancer next door to you.
Hmm. What state? Kansas. Kansas is a cancer george kansas is a cancer sorry then he lives it Oh, my God. Yeah, Kansas is uh a long drive. That’s for certain yes well steve do you want to do you have any kind of story about uh plumbing or any advice for miles on how to fix a shower Well, first of all, Miles, I suspect that you used the three shells. What? Demolition Man. Fuck. Yeah, I knew you would get the reference. Oh, it’s in the movie Demolition Man, the three shells. Rob Schneider. Oh, you don’t get the three shells. Wesley Snipes. Wesley Snipes. Sandra Bullock. Would you like to have sex? After almost 30 years, I still can’t figure that movie out. How are you supposed to clean your asshole with three seashells? I’m assuming you scrape them and then rinse them off. You could use toilet paper. You’ve got to wrap the toilet paper around two fingers, stick two fingers all the way up your ass, and then you get all the residue. That’s how you clean the walls and cavities.
I’ll stick to my duvet. I’m sorry. We really fell off here. I like the plumbing talk better. I’ll stick to the duvet where it’s nice and pleasant and I don’t have fucking seashells up near my head. What if you get a chip in one of those shells? I wonder what happens then. Well, say goodnight, Gracie. Miss Calabash. Cha-cha.

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