Miles’s son brings back some of his fond hospital memories, while Bob talks about the people of Vegas.

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I have this working now. It’s working perfectly. Hey, everybody. Welcome to Stag Show. This is Bob. Hey, everyone. This is Miles. And if you want to listen to the podcast that I was on over the weekend, you may. It’s a podcast for… You’re talking over my joke I was going to make. Now you’re kind of ruining my joke. For some reason, I’m not hearing you now, so I’m going to… Oh, no. No. No. We’ll figure this out, you know? Uh-oh. I’m going to jump off. Hmm. I see that you’re talking. Yes, I am talking. I hear you talking, but I can’t come in. I see you knocking. I have to click something or another. I don’t know what’s going on here. No, it’s working.
Yeah, I’ve lost your… I’ve lost your… I heard you before. Hello. Hello. Can you hear me? Lame Jeff. I don’t hear what you’re saying. Hello. Hello. Hello. You can type in the chat there. Yes. Hello. Yes. Jump off. Yeah, jump off and jump back on and I’ll just vamp for a minute. We’ll see if that fixes it because we’ve had this problem before. And now we’re just going to vamp for a bit here. You know, Miles is always having trouble with technology. And I think playing that video just threw him off a little bit. You know, that’s what happens with Miles from time to time. So, yeah, he can’t hear him. So hopefully he’s going to join us back again real quick. And we’ll just talk about the weather. So in my neck of the woods, apparently, I was not here for it, but there was tornadic activity. Yeah, there was like seven tornadoes in the St. Louis area over last weekend. And that was bad news for a lot of people. So I hope you all were safe during those storms if you’re around here.
But, you know, it’s just one of those things that happens every spring anyway. So can’t do much about it. Just have to suffer through. It’s horrible. Lots of people like the people got their houses knocked into. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Oh, no. Hello, hello, hello, hello. I still don’t hear you hello this is bad this is bad news oh you didn’t know you’re muted let me see if i can do something here okay go ahead and talk stuff to me here. Say something to me there, Lame Jeff. Hello, I’m Lame Jeff. You’re not doing it. No. Oh, shit. Oh, he did a restart. That’s good. I wonder what the deal is here. Somebody’s going to hurt someone. Yeah. before the night is through i muted you and now i’m unmuting you oh you jumped off again okay somebody’s gonna come undone there’s nothing we can do everybody
Everybody. Make it turn out right. I can’t hear you. Hello. I don’t know what to start this shit over while I figure this out here. Hold on. Oh, wait. Say something now. I don’t want to. Okay, now I can hear you. Hold on. Let’s try it. We’re just going to start over, and hopefully it’ll stay with you, okay? Yeah, okay. Here we go. Okay. Going to be a heartache tonight. A heartache tonight. I know. Fine, man. Static. Hey, everybody. Welcome to Static Show. This is Bob. Miles? Miles? Miles? Oh, my fucking God. You stopped talking. All right. We’re starting over again. This is motherfucking piss me off. Hold on. Stay on. Don’t disconnect. Stay on. I’m just not going to play the… All right.
thing again, here. Now I can hear you, and now i’m gonna do, okay. Now say something say something god damn it it’s just okay hold on say something now it’s my life, it’s now or never. Yeah, keep singing i think it has something to do with this other thing i’m using here, so Let’s see if this works this time here. There, keep talking. All right, I’m going to keep talking. It shuts you off when I do that. Are you a stupid jerk? You’re a jerk. We’ll fix it in post. We’ll fix it in post, all right? We’ll do it in post. How’s it going, Miles, besides all these hiccups? Going good. Oh, good. That’s good to know. Going good. Yeah, I’m… Enraged now. Oh, and engorged. So, did you have a good weekend? Yeah, yeah, it was good. How about you? Did I tell you I met Mr. T? No, I knew you were holding back, though. I was holding back. I know it. Well, it may have been Mr. T’s younger nephew or something.
Oh, now, come on now. You can’t build it up and be like well no I met this guy. So I had to go to Las Vegas for work. Yeah. And I was there for a few days and I just got back and that’s why everything’s all screwed up now but so I was in Las Vegas and at this thing and I met this guy and he had a mohawk. and He had a bunch of chains, gold chains, and he was, you know, fairly, you know, physically fit. Oh, that’s the way you like him, yeah. Yeah, and I’m like, hey, you know, how’s it going, man? And yeah, sure enough, he looked, he was like Mr. T’s younger brother or something, or, you know, cousin or whatever. So that was…
And he was very much like Mr. T. He did not suffer fools. I pity the fool. It’s slow. He didn’t say, I pity the fool. But he was certainly a direct person, right? Well, you were in line at the buffet, and he’s behind you. No, I actually didn’t go to any buffets, actually. Oh, then you didn’t go to Vegas. You lied. No, I did. But where I stayed at, there wasn’t any buffets. I mean, really. bullshit. Well, it was a little bit upscale. Oh, I used to. Yeah. I went there once in my time. Okay, go ahead. It was not upscale? Is that what you’re saying? They used to get like three rooms or something. Right, you get comped out rooms. No, there was no comping out any rooms, believe me. Yeah. I had a lot of little small misadventures. One of them was meeting Mr. T’s cousin.
He’s a very nice guy, by the way. I thought he was real fun. He’s moving to Puerto Rico, just so everyone knows. Are you intimidated by this man at any point? No, not really. I mean, other than I’m like, God, you look like Mr. T. I wanted to say something so bad, but then I thought, that’s really inappropriate. Yeah. So I didn’t. You are inappropriate. I didn’t say, you got a Mr. T vibe going on here. I think he knew. I hope he knew. If he didn’t know, then that would be a whole other thing. And so this is the only second time I’ve been to Las Vegas. How many times did you say you went? Oh, just once. Oh, you went once? Okay. Once after I graduated, yeah. Oh, okay.
So you did like a hangover kind of situation? It’s kind of with my parents, so it wasn’t really as cool as you might think. Well, your dad, I mean, you know. But my mom was there. I mean, it was like a bunk school. I mean, come on. Yeah. Oh, it could be. I know your dad would be like, let’s go see the titties on the show, girls. If my mom was not with us, I am certain my dad would have snuck me into something. I was only 18 at the time. Yeah. I don’t think you need to get snuck in. I don’t know. How old are you going to be? 18. Okay. But there was, I mean, it’s a wonder that there’s not more, you know, kind of shows or, you know,
Everything’s set in Las Vegas because there’s nothing but a cavalcade of characters. I mean, everywhere you look, there was some character of a person just there. I remember walking through… I had to be somewhere real early in the morning, and so I was walking through the casino because everywhere you have to go, it goes through the casino. I was walking through the casino at like… don’t know it’s probably like 430 in the morning or something. And this lady who was one of the like you know, sanitation type people, she had a uniform on and everything, and she’s walking towards me. And I’m, you know, we’re walking towards each other. I’m trying to go to where I need to go. And apparently, I don’t know where the hell she’s going, but she’s going somewhere and
And she flips her hair as she walks by, right? You know how women flip their hair? Now, this woman looked to be about 75 years old and probably, you know, a lifelong smoker. So it’s not. And she’s only about four and a half feet tall. She was wearing a uniform for the hotel. Yeah. It was a little bit disconcerting to say the least. You know, all I could think about was this is not Mary Tyler Moore. You know what I’m saying? You could turn your world with a smile. Yeah. suddenly make it all seem worthwhile cause it’s you girl and you should know it anyway it was bizarre and then of course there was the people who look like they’ve been sitting at the slot machine all night and there was chain smoking, you know? Yeah. Oh, they’re allowed to smoke there yeah
I don’t know if it’s allowed, but there were a lot of people smoking. Well, no, I guess this one’s smoking. Yeah, never mind. Go ahead. And then there was the couple, because they had these bench seats at some of the slot machines. Sure. And it looked like she was masturbating him when I was walking up. You’re like, me next, me next. So it’s like they were, like, really close together, and he was, like, really leaned back, and he was pushing the button, you know, on the machine. Yeah. I mean, these things nowadays, they’re not, like, boxy or anything. They’re really big and tall. Yeah. And I swear to God, she, like, had her hand down on his crotch. Mm-hmm. Thankfully, that wasn’t the case, but just look that way upon my approach. Mm-hmm. Yeah.
and so i was like, holy moly, what the hell is going on here? Like, okay. It was a weird scene. So many strange weirdo. Yeah. You think the sanitation lady was trying to like flirt with her a little bit? No, I couldn’t tell if she was wearing a wig or not I think it might have been a wig, and so therefore she was just trying to get it out of her face. Really like… She looked like that lady in something about Mary, you know? Yeah. Yeah, but with long hair, you know? Yeah, feathery long hair. Yeah. And then the worst part for me was that… I don’t know if I had a haunted hotel room or what the deal was, but I was way up high, you know, like up towards the top of the building, like over 20 stories up. And I’m trying to get to sleep and I hear this, like a squeaky door. Yeah. And then I’m like,
trying to figure out, well, what is this noise? You know, there’s no squeak and nobody’s moving a door in here. And I thought, you know, is it, I’m hearing the people next door, you know, doing it or something, but no, it wasn’t it. It wasn’t rhythmic at all. And, um, and then it sound i finally isolated. It sounded like a flap, like on my air conditioning unit, my heater air conditioner, over 20 stories up in the air. Like opening and closing with the wind. And I’m like, is this thing going to fall off of here and impale someone on the ground? Right. And it did it the whole time. Oh, gee. Oh, my God. It drove me crazy. What are you going to do? I was on the outside of the building. I mean, it’s not like people are going to…
I was hoping to be like that lady had the key to your room and she just like walked in. Well, I will tell you. So I travel around a bit and this was one of the, other than a really cheap hotel I stayed at, this is the first hotel that hasn’t had a chain or a lock bar. Oh yeah. And this was a fancy hotel. This was not a cheap hotel at all. This was crazy. Quite a nice hotel. I had a huge room. I had a bathtub and a shower in a separate toilet area. Yeah. I’m like, this is weird. Yeah. The shower wall was actually like a glass thing and people in the bed could see you showering. Oh, yeah, I’ve had one of those rooms before, yeah. I had one time, it was down at Lake of the Ozarks in Missouri. I had a shower cube. It was total glass cube. That was your shower. Really? In the bedrooms right there, you just step into the shower, glass cube. I was like, this is the most bizarre thing.
And again, it was a really nice room. I mean, other than the glass shower. It was awkward because my parents were there. Yeah, it was awkward. Everybody, go to sleep. Don’t mind your uncle. He’s just over there. Don’t worry. Yeah, don’t worry. He’s just scrubbing his butt. So, yeah, I mean, it was… a very weird thing and so a friend of mine who lives there came and picked me up at the hotel that go to dinner and i i was you know i’m always early so i went out and i was uh waiting for them to arrive and this big stretch hummer was out there and somebody was getting married and so like all these like wedding party was running out to this hummer getting in it and then
And then I’m standing outside watching all these people run by and get into this Hummer, which is parked, you know, the driveway that you can drop people off and everything at the hotel is rather large. And it’s kind of on the far side of the driveway parked. And so then the bride comes out, full bridal outfit, right, with a train and the whole bit. She’s walking out to get in the Hummer and then up flies my friend. Just about took out the bride. Oh, God. Oh, no. I hop in and I go, didn’t you see the bride? He’s like, yeah, I saw her. It was… It was funny, though, because I’m like, in my head, I was thinking the same thing. I was like, wouldn’t it be funny if he come driving up here while this lady was coming out and just about hit her? And then it happened. There’s Starsky and Hutch maneuver. Yeah.
So the myth of cheap food is not alive and well where I was at. There was no cheap food. Everything was super expensive. So what do you think my cheapest meal was while I was there? Oh, shit. I bet you the cheapest meal was $35. Oh, that’s a pretty good guess. Well, lucky for me, they had a Subway in a little food court deep inside the complex. And I got Subway one night. All I got was a six-inch sandwich and a bag of chips. This was my cheapest meal. There’s no $5 footlong. $15. Oh, yeah. That’s what it is around here. It’s expensive. Is it really? For just no drink? No, I don’t know. I just think like it’s over expensive over there it’s like should i quit going there. Really? Well, that was my cheapest dinner. And then i got, because i was trying to not spend a bunch of money, and there’s a johnny rockets next door, and i got a hamburger and some fries. That was thirty dollars yeah that’s incredible
Yeah, but every other restaurant was, you know, like, 40, 50 bucks. Yeah. Yeah. It was just like, oh, my god so expensive you know? Well, I’m glad my dad’s not alive to see that, because he’s returning his day. Yeah, he was, you know, on the all you can eat shrimp buffet guy, wasn’t he yeah i used to be like buffets Yeah, I didn’t get anything comped, I can tell you that. You didn’t gamble? No, I did not gamble. I actually didn’t gamble at all. Nothing. Not even like a dollar or anything. I didn’t gamble. You don’t gamble, do you? No, I don’t really gamble. I play lottery every once in a while, but not very often. Do you play slots, though, or do you play card games, or what do you…
doing last time i went there, I played a few slot machines and that was it. But you don’t do it. No, no, I don’t go like you do where you go hang out and sit there. Oh, I used to. Oh, okay. And I found Jesus. And Jesus took all my money. But then i lost him so i went back to gambling again but then i found So what was going on with you? Anything? That was my whole, I mean, there was more Las Vegas stories, but that was the good stuff. So, um, I don’t know. I don’t think I told this, but anyway, um, so my, one of my sons is kind of taking a bunch of different classes. He’s trying to, he wants to get out of, do something else in his life. You know, he’s trying different things and, you know, he’s like, I don’t want to do this. Yeah.
And he’s taking classes and he’s taking like some kind of medical assistant thing, you know, he’s like, I mean, I’ll just try it. I don’t know. Just see if I like it. I don’t know. Okay. Well, okay. And, uh, you know, it’s had its ups and downs. Mostly he’s enjoyed it. I think, you know, he’s, uh, we were driving around and he, cause I may, cause we were going to go to that, uh, a mini golf thing. And I was giving him a ride there. And uh, so I knew he had to take like some tests like a practice test or something like a written test or something So he brings it up, you know, because sometimes he’s a very quiet guy but he brings it up he goes yeah, yeah I did. Okay, I guess I know Okay, the better new dad you loser
I never took no medical class. I’m like, okay, well, that’s good. What do you mean? Did you have any problems with it? Well, yeah, I did in one part. I go, what’s that? The part about masturbation. Apparently, he’s not aware of your hobbies. I go, son, have a seat now because you’re talking… I’m not in the Hall of Fame, son, so whatever… How am I… Come on. My son can be very deadpan humor. I’m like, okay, he’s putting me on. I’m serious. I’m like, oh, okay. I didn’t know there was a chapter in that, but okay. I go, what? I got to know. You just can’t leave that and ignore it. You’re going to like, well, okay, all right. What is it? Basically, it’s like
if you walk into a room and some guy’s going to town what do you do so is this like the scenario for uh oh who’s that comedian that got caught masturbating louie louie uh well yeah but this would be someone like more like in a hospital situation you know oh okay i thought you were like paul rubens or uh well it’s not something we’ll be like you know you’d Fred Willard, got Fred Willard masturbating there. And you’re like, oh no, Bob Lament’s in here whacking it, you know, or something. Everybody’s looking for the weekend. Oh. Like, hey lover boy, put it away. I’m like, well, what do you, I mean, what do you, what’s the proper thing to do, I guess? I mean, do you join in? Do you leave? Do you join in?
I don’t know. Yeah. I can see you failing this test. Do you join in? Yeah. No, he’s like, no, the right thing to do is just walk away. Just turn and walk away and come back later. Slowly. I turn step by step. Let grandpa finish. The surplus is on the table there. Oh, it’s all right. I got the sheets. I’m just going to do a gator roll in these shoes. A gator roll. No, that’s a stolen joke. Oh God, that’s terrible. I’m like, yeah, like, come on. No, he’s very, yeah, he’s all serious. Like, no, that’s, that’s really a thing. You got to know how to question. So he didn’t say walk away. I mean, I don’t know what the fuck he said. Apparently, the teacher said posted on TikTok is not the right answer. Get out your phone. One of those laser pointers, like a cat. Videotape him when he’s going to town. No, I’m sorry. You know, I’m like.
Boy, that’s a conversation I really never thought I was going to have with my adult son. Yeah, probably not. Apparently, but if you’re a college professor, you just get fired. Yeah, apparently. Right? Our alma mater had a professor who filmed himself, recorded himself masturbating in various parts of campus. Yeah. And apparently everybody took the advice. They just turned and walked away. Mr. McGillicuddy, what are you doing? Everyone’s wondering. Will it come out tonight? Everyone’s… Trying to get it right. Get it right. Well, did he pass the test anyway? Yes, he did pass, but he was marked down in this one. I’m sorry, young boy. I’m marking you down for the masturbation. Son, you happen to be talking to the king of all. He’s the king of wishful thinking.
I’m the king of wishful thinking. So when you had your accident and you had your black penis, did you masturbate in the hospital? No. Oh, you didn’t because it was too sore? What do you think? Well, I had a catheter. I woke up with a catheter, so that would be really… Yeah. Well, but hey, it just, you know, it takes it all away. So you’re all good. You got to want it. You got to want it. No muss, no fuss. Yeah. Then my brother’s best friend had to come in and take it out, which is very like, oh, fuck. Hey there, young buck. Hey there. If you just look at the ceiling for a moment. Look me in the eye. Look me in the eye.
If I feel this thing getting stiff, I’m going to punch you right in the face. I was injured with a bad car wreck, yes, and I did get bruised in the groin. But it’s funny. I’m checking back on it now. It probably is funny at the time, but it’s not funny. Oh, my gosh. Yeah. Yeah, he spent a lot of time in the hospital. I’m surprised that you weren’t, you know, like a case, one of the cases they had to study or something. No. We had a young Miles Title here at this hospital. He seemed to be rather fascinated with his ding-a-ling, if you know what I’m saying. Master of my domain. King of the time. Let me just tell you that Chuck Berry had nothing on this young man.
Although one of my roommates did throw me a porn magazine, I guess. Who did? I had a lot of roommates and there’s this guy, I don’t know, probably in his 20s, he was married and his wife had brought him in porn. Uh-huh. He was like, hey, do you want to check this out? I’m like, ah, fuck yeah. There’s a bear shit in the woods. I noticed your wieners kind of weird looking. Yeah. Well, I mean, I didn’t notice, but I mean, I kind of know, but I didn’t. Well, anyway. So I was like, man, what a great wife and her husband born in the hospital. That’s weird. That’s weird. Where did you hide it at? No, I threw it back on his bed when I was done. I’m like, forget it. Oh, okay. I’m perusing it. He’s like, these pages are all stuck together, sir. No, she just brought them in fresh. She’s like, there you go, Dennis. No, I mean, when you threw it back, that’s what he said. Oh, okay.
I wouldn’t touch that, Vic, if I was you. I’d leave that alone for a little while. Why is there blood in your spunk? This is nasty. We call this guy, you know, Blackbeard over here. Yeah. Like pirate booty going on. Yeah, that really happened. That is a good story. That guy did. My dad’s 18, so I don’t think it’s too weird, but yeah. It’s not too weird. Just me and my hospital roomie sharing porno mags. No big deal. We’re just two dudes. Would you like to see my copy of Nurses Monthly? Hey, my wife is here. She’s in this and stuff. I didn’t know if you were here. No. They get a whole pictorial on the nurses of Waukegan. Oh, that’s weird. I think that’s a little weird. Yeah. Yeah, I think maybe that was over the line on your part. Oh, I wasn’t throwing porn to a kid. I was the kid.
I was a kid. I mean, I had literally just turned 18 like two weeks before this happened. Yeah. Or a week before it was happening. Yeah, that’s what happens. Turn 18, get in the car wreck, and then people throw porn at you. You’re like, oh! He’s like, yeah, it’s pretty good, isn’t it? You’re like, no, I hurt my dong. Yeah. This erection is killing me. Jeez Louise. I got a catheter in for Christ’s sake. I can’t be getting a boner. You should have thought that before you opened it up, kid. Yeah, I should have declined. Sorry, dude. No, but could you hand me that Bible, please? Yeah, I was reading that. Just to be ready to go back to Exodus. Okay. Flipping through. Oh, nice. Wow. There’s nothing like Las Vegas and a porno mag in the hospital.