All the $#!T

After the initial shock wears off, you begin the steady slide into the pit of despair - that all-consuming vortex of grief, anger, sadness, loneliness, helplessness, rage, dread, and an overwhelming sense of being generally “unmoored” or lost at sea.

This is the worst - and longest - stretch of the process. In this episode I talk about how I gained clarity about my situation, how I approached my new reality, and some of the steps I took to start allowing myself to move forward. The pit can have a dream-like quality to it. You may feel like you’re going to wake up and realize it was all a bad dream. This too is part of the process. You will have optimistic days that have you feeling like you’re finally heading in a good direction, only to wake up the next feeling that familiar sick feeling in the pit of your stomach. This is normal. The cycle will likely repeat itself several times. You will be able to measure progress in the amount of time between cycles and how quickly you’re able to break yourself out of the spiral each time it starts again. Be patient and giver yourself grace. Take the time you need to fully process each spiral.

There is no prescription for how long you will stay in the pit. You will emerge in your own time when you are ready. Hopefully some of the experiences I share will give you the confidence to believe that you too will come out stronger and more resilient on the other side. THIS is the worst of it. Stay the course, and when you finally pull yourself out of the pit, you will begin to feel better than you have in a long time - and the belief that you have the potential to THRIVE in your new life will become a source of joy rather than sadness.

Wow! It's been a LONG time since the last episode! Sorry for the wait, but life happened to me.

I went through a divorce in early 2024, which turned my life upside down and inside out. I was caught completely off guard and totally unprepared for what would come next. It seems particularly ironic considering the last episode I published before going silent!

In the aftermath, I looked for content that would help me understand what I was feeling, what was happening psychologically and physiologically. I couldn't find anything helpful, so I decided to create it for the guys who will inevitably find themselves following in my footsteps.

This is part one of a four-part series. This episode was created about six months after my marriage fell apart. Long enough to have tentatively regained my bearings, but still raw enough to clearly remember what that initial phase of shock felt like, what I was thinking, what I was feeling, and how my mind and body reacted to the acute pain of losing what felt like half of myself.

This series is real and raw. It's not the uplifting and rosy outlook you have come to expect. It's meant to share the harsh reality of the dark path ahead for those going through this process. I hope it helps you understand that you're not alone and that the thoughts and feelings you are having are normal - you're not going crazy, you're just in severe, acute pain.

I hope you find encouragement in these episodes. I share the actions I took - or didn't take - to make my way through this first phase of the journey and encourage you to take the appropriate steps to protect yourself, care for yourself, and prepare yourself for the long process to healing.

Please feel free to reach out if you don't have anyone else to talk to about this! Nearly two years later, I can tell you that it gets SO MUCH BETTER, and life becomes more joyful and prosperous ... but you have to go through the $#!T to get there.

Relationships are hard, man! Whether you're still in high school and stressing about finding a date to prom, or a bit older and stressing about finding a date to your friend's wedding, the basic rules of relationships still apply.

Tom shares the NUMBER ONE key to building a successful relationship and shares a conversation with his friend, Katie, about navigating the ins and outs of dating. Together they discuss how to find a suitable partner, and how the lessons learned in personal relationships can have a wider impact across all areas of your life.

About Katie:

Katie is the president of Bella Boutique, a non-profit in Denver, Colorado, that provides free formal wear, including shoes, jewelry, and accessories to high school students with families in financial hardship to enable them to attend prom and homecoming without the financial burden that can come with it.

For more information, visit: https://www.bellaboutiquedenver.org/

If you want to donate to the cause, the organization's Venmo account is: @bellaboutiquedenver

Do you ever think about all the stuff on your to-do list, or a big project you’re not sure how to tackle, and immediately feel exhausted? Have you ever thought about your future with apathy, like no matter what you do it’s just going to be a long, slow slog to the grave?

You could be depressed, but if you’re generally content in your day-to-day life outside of thinking about the future, it could be something else: acedia. Acedia is a state of listlessness, of not caring or not being concerned with your position or condition in the world.

This is NORMAL for people of all ages, especially when it feels like the deck is stacked against you. The only way to fight back is to go BACK to your daydreams - the thoughts and ideas that gave you life and energy. The thoughts that got you excited to get out of bed in the morning. Pull them out and dust them off. Keeping your daydreams alive is one of the best ways to keep a sense of meaning and purpose in your life, and make the future a little less scary.

Loneliness isn’t just about being alone. It’s about feeling alone. Loneliness results from a lack of sincere connection with others. You can see people every day at school or work, have 500 contacts in your phone, and millions of followers on social media, but you will experience loneliness if you can’t truly connect with them in an unfiltered way. A true connection is someone who sees you for who you ARE rather than the mask you put on for the rest of the world. It is someone you can be vulnerable with, a friend who will listen to you and give either advice or consolation, depending on the need.

None of us are immune from loneliness, and the impact is greater now that we spend so much time absorbed in our phones. Let your phone be a tool to help dig you out of that lonely place. Text a friend - a TRUE friend with whom you feel comfortable talking about the real $#!T we all face in life. Set up a time to connect either in person or via a virtual call. It’ll do you both some good.

Tom shares a conversation with his brother, Andy, while on a backpacking trip in the Grayson Highlands of Virginia. They talk about how the comforts of modern living can trap you in a cycle of discontent. Andy presents his theory that most people default to following the path of least resistance - the comfortable, easy path - and that the best way to break out of it is to challenge yourself with something that scares you a little bit. He shares stories from his 15-year career as an outdoor professional and how his meandering path has ultimately led him through jobs in education and law enforcement before taking a leap of faith to his dream job of farming. 

Tom and Will talk about habits and answer a question from a young man about how to break a habit without an “ultimatum,” or some consequence (real or perceived) attached to it. The guys share some of their own stories and offer some insight into what it takes to reach that ultimatum with yourself.

NOTE: This episode includes a discussion of nicotine use and addiction. Tom and Will do NOT encourage, condone, or advocate the use of this addictive chemical.

Tom and Will tackle a question from a young man who doesn’t understand why older people keep telling him to “enjoy these years.” What is there to enjoy when life is full of stress, anxiety, fear, and all these other uncomfortable emotions and feelings? Who could possibly ENJOY this? The guys break it down with some solid rationale and a few suggestions to help you realize that there IS a lot to enjoy right now - even if you can’t see it yet.

PROGRAMMING NOTE: All the $#!T is moving to a bi-weekly (twice a month) format. Episodes will still drop on Mondays, but the frequency is changing to every other week. Thanks for listening!

Tom and Will talk mental health, but with the caveat that the term isn’t necessarily negative. Your mental health is simply the state of your mind at any given time. The guys talk about several challenges that young men face when it comes to mental health, including acknowledging and processing emotion, struggling with a desire for independence, and the ever-present “standard” of what it means to be a man and how they measure up.

The guys argue over how significant a role isolation and loneliness play in mental health, but both agree that finding a supportive older male to serve as a mentor and role model is a strong play. Tom shares his thoughts on contentment and how finding contentment in everyday life is one of the greatest boosts to a strong metal game.

Tom and Will get EMOTIONAL in this episode, talking about the socially-constructed fallacy that “real men don’t cry.” The guys share some personal stories, along with some of the tools they use to process their emotions. They encourage young men to embrace rather than suppress their own emotions. They emphasize that there is nothing “unmanly” about crying or acknowledging the emotions that can trigger it, including sadness, shame, and fear.