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This year has been the hall of mirrors. It’s a welcome change from the cycle archetypes of the year prior, filled with spirals and butterflies, but very trippy in comparison. I don’t think past me could’ve handled this year’s synchronicities. They feel less like signs and more like motifs, adding to the story unfolding. My experience is affirmed by the way it’s mirrored in my environment. Maybe it’s a projection, magic, or a mix of both.

Regardless of which is true, I want to bring you into today’s current mirror moment. Exactly a year ago, I recorded a voice memo that I found eerily mirrored this weekend. In it, I talk a bit about the idea of Ikigai, a topic I’ve given less attention to since then. Defining your life’s purpose is a bit arrogant, considering how little perspective we have on the grand scheme of things as humans. Yet, it can be a great guiding light in figuring out who you are, which was what I needed.

I also described a synchronistic moment I had with my spiral necklace. I wrote a note on Substack months later reflecting on it.

I had thought about it again this weekend because my friend was wearing one of these famed spiral necklaces. Once again, I was having an eventful and illuminating weekend where I sat with my own alien wound. Without much effort, it’s become the theme for this part of the year. It was like the Universe said, ‘Now that you have a sense of self, let’s see how you handle accepting it over and over again.’

If it’s not already clear, I feel like a freak more often than I care to admit. I assume everyone can smell it on me. I’ve tried to cover it up, and I’ve tried leaning into it. Both equally suck to varying degrees.

My issue today is how I’ve contextualized this self-perception. I’ve always viewed my freak status as a detriment. Even in learning to embrace my freakdom, I embrace it under the understanding that only I and the very few will appreciate it. The majority would prefer to distance themselves from it as much as possible. My characteristics and personality keep me from forming certain bonds and interactions. There is no crowd I have or ever will be “in” with, which is why I’ve been able to form close one-on-one bonds instead. Having any sort of friend group throughout my life has been a hodgepodge effort. I recognize the beauty in that way of relating to others, but it doesn’t take away the stress from me.

I didn’t really metabolize until today that my distinctive way of being adds to any environment I’m in. That my difference brings balance or depth wherever I end up. My perspective, because of its distinction, holds value. We’re all like this in our own ways, but I’ve always been brought into situations where I feel it heavily. The archetype of the loveable freak has never been my speed. I’m not loud, vivacious, always in a bright colored palette. I’m not a caricature of anything. I don’t belong to any kind of alternative scene. I’m just very aggressively myself. I’ve cycled around for three years trying to rebuild a sense of self after losing it for a while. This process revealed itself to be unlayering the shell I had created. Now here I am out in the open and exposed.

I feel it’s time to release this Creep by Radiohead nonsense I’ve been on since middle school. I do belong here because I am here. I don’t match any of the interior palette, but I manage to bring the room together in my own strange way. Maybe I’ll be out of place, but I’d like to renegotiate with myself that my purpose isn’t to “find my place in the world” by looking for where I perfectly blend in. Instead, I could save time paying attention to what I like and letting myself fully embrace what I love with my whole heart, whether I’m the typical face of it or not.

This returns us to the Ikigai audio. By listening to my entry and returning to the materials mentioned, I sense it’s time to return to the exercise with a new perspective.

In the video exercise referenced, Eva Alordiah poses a simple question to help reorient ourselves towards what we want to do with this single life of ours.

“What is the greatest expression of love through your soul?”

Unwittingly, I was thinking about the same thing while reflecting on my renewed love of Dominic Fike.

This big upheaval moment in my life requires me to pay attention to what I love. If I can let go of my hang-ups and insecurities about whether what I love is for me, I could save myself some trouble. I have so much love for past me and our love for documenting.

Side note: Me concluding my ikigai to be sharing my voice only to immediately dismiss my job as a tour guide? The jokes write themselves.

A lot changes in one year, but it’s funny what we end up returning to. If you’d like to explore what I reference in this audio log, it is all linked below.

Ikigai Exploration:

Flex Mami episode mentioned

Video referenced (+ linked substack post)

Tiktok mentioned (RIP)

Notes On Shapeshifting quote + oracle style page pull I did this weekend:

Much love to all of you. I love learning alongside you.