Allied We Can Raise the Bar on Being a Man

How much of who you are is really you—and how much is who you think everyone expects you to be?

At work, with friends, and online, there’s pressure to fit in, keep the peace, and protect your reputation. It doesn’t always look like a big compromise. Sometimes it’s one small decision you barely notice. Then another. Until you start wondering whether the person people see is the person you actually want to be.

In Episode 7 of the Allied We Can Values Series, I’m digging into what it means to be genuine when approval, pride, and your personal values pull you in different directions. We’ll get into the uncomfortable space between what we say we stand for and what our choices reveal and why that matters for trust, relationships, and finding common ground.

This isn’t about being perfect or telling everybody exactly what you think. It’s about a question worth asking before your next decision.

Watch or listen, then tell me in the comments: What’s one value you want people to see in how you live not just hear you talk about?

Subscribe for more conversations about character, integrity, accountability, and finding common ground for the common good.

Together we can raise the bar on being a man.

Are you ready to accelerate in getting what you really want? Checkout what other men are doing.

The book: https://a.co/d/imxGqxa

Full episodes: https://www.alliedwecan.org/podcast

Workshops for organizations: https://www.alliedwecan.org/workshops

Site: https://www.alliedwecan.org

You did what you were told to do. You got the degree, or you skipped it and worked twice as hard instead. You built the career, carried the family, made the payroll, and showed up when showing up cost you something. And the feeling you were promised on the other side of all that never quite arrived.

So you went looking for an answer, and there’s an entire industry waiting for men who are looking. Optimize. Dominate. Hit the number. Become high value. Nobody reads the fine print on that offer, which is that value which can be ranked can also be re-ranked, and a man standing on conditions is one bad year away from having nothing left to stand on.

In Episode Six, Eric Miller sits down with Dawna Daigneault, EdS, LPC, CCTP, a licensed professional counselor with twenty years in private practice and the creator of Worth-Conscious Theory. Her new book with Chris Brown, PhD, came out from Routledge, and it was written for therapists. This hour is the translation.

We went back to self-awareness in this one, and if you were with us for Episode One you’ll want to hear why. The first of her four pillars and the first practice in Allied We Can turn out to start in the same place.

Stay to the end. There’s a question in here you’ve been answering for years without ever hearing yourself ask it.

Watch every episode at https://www.alliedwecan.org/podcast

Links for the show notes: Sage Journal of Theory & Psychology: https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/09593543221135559

Book: https://www.routledge.com/Understanding-Self-Worth-A-Guide-to-Worth-Conscious-Theory-and-Psychotherapeutic-Practice/Daigneault-Brown/p/book/97

Did someone hurt you? Somebody just came to mind.

Eric didn’t even have to name them, and there they were, front and center, and now you’re doing the math on how long it’s been. You’ve got the last thing they said to you, word for word. You could recite it right now if he asked you to.

And here’s the part that ought to bother you. They’re not thinking about you at all. They’re going about their business. You’re the only one in this thing.

That’s what this episode is about, and Eric Miller be honest with you, it’s the one men skip. Ask a man to forgive somebody and watch what happens. The jaw sets. Because we were handed a message early on that forgiving is soft, that it means they got away with it, that a real man holds the line.

So before Eric says anything else in this episode, he’ll say four things out loud that forgiving is NOT. If you don’t hear those first, you’ll spend the whole hour braced for him to tell you to roll over, and he’s not going to do that.

Then we get into what it’s costing you, and Eric will warn you now, it isn’t only costing you with the one who did it. There are people at your table right now who never wronged you and are paying for it anyway. That part took me a while to see in my own life.

And at the end Eric Miller gives you three things to do. Nine minutes, start to finish. One of them takes sixty seconds and it’s the one that unlocks the rest, and there’s research behind why it works on men specifically. Eric get’s into that in the episode.

By the time you’re done you’ll have a straight answer on what forgiving actually is and four things it is not, you’ll know why this one stops men cold when nothing else does, you’ll see what it’s costing you at your own table, and you’ll have three things you can do on your own in about nine minutes. You’ll also walk away with something to say out loud that most men never get handed.

If you’re carrying something, and you’ve been carrying it long enough that it feels like part of you now, give me an hour.

Watch the episode and find every other one here: https://www.alliedwecan.org/podcast

The book this series is built on: https://a.co/d/imxGqxa

You’re hard on everyone, and it starts with yourself, and somewhere along the way you picked up the idea that this is what a high standard looks like. Maybe it was a coach. Maybe a dad, or a first boss who only ever spoke at volume. Nobody ever told you what right looked like. You just learned what wrong felt like.

Here’s the problem. If being hard on yourself actually worked, you wouldn’t still be fixing the same thing you were fixing five years ago.

In this episode, Eric Miller takes apart the difference between holding a standard and just coming down on yourself, and what that confusion is costing you. Not in the abstract. In information you’ll never get back, in the crew that stopped bringing you bad news, and in the failure you’ve been paying for instead of fixing.

He wasn’t always on this side of it. For years he thought self-compassion was what weak men used to excuse failing at something, and he would have argued it with you. What moved him wasn’t an argument. It was a boss named Walter, an office he did not want to walk into, and something that took him years to understand and a lot longer to turn on himself.

You’ll get two things to do about it before the hour is out. Neither one asks you to feel anything first.

And if you think compassion is the soft option, stay through the middle of this one. Nobody’s going to try to talk you out of anything.

Book: Allied We Can Find Common Ground- https://a.co/d/imxGqxa

Watch Season 2 of Allied We Can Raise the Bar on Being a Man, on your favorite platform

https://www.alliedwecan.org/podcast

Most men were given exactly two options, and neither one works. Close up and carry the whole thing yourself, or hold it until it cracks and comes out sideways on somebody who didn’t deserve it. Season 2, Episode 3 of Allied We Can is about the option nobody taught you — the third one.

Eric Miller makes the case that openness was never a question of how much you say. It’s a question of who you’re saying it to, what you’re asking them to do with it, and what you decided ahead of time to leave out. Get that order right and honesty stops costing you. Get it backwards and every attempt confirms what you already suspected about people.

This one is honest about where those two options came from, and it isn’t the tidy story about fathers handing down a code. For a lot of men there was no father in the house to hand down anything. For plenty of others he was in the house and unreachable. Many of us learned what a man is from our mothers, who did heroic work and still couldn’t show us the one thing only a man can show a boy. And younger men didn’t inherit one message about manhood — they inherited a pile of them that flatly contradict each other, then went online to sort it out and learned to perform instead of connect. Different training, same result: more than half of American men say no one really knows them, and among young men it’s closer to two out of three.

There’s one practice in here — the Ask, the Person, and the Line. About twenty seconds of thinking, then one sentence said out loud before the hard part. No app, no journal, nothing new to keep up with.

Also in this episode: discernment, which means reading whether somebody can actually carry what you’re about to hand them — a different question from whether they’re a good person. Why the men who get burned most often aren’t unlucky. Why waiting to be asked isn’t opening up. What to do when a good friend fumbles it. And what a sixteen-year-old learns standing in a driveway.

Run it when you’ve got the hour.

Chapter 3 of *Allied We Can Find Common Ground* goes deeper on this one. https://a.co/d/imxGqxa

Season 2, Episode 2 of Allied We Can is about attention — where yours goes, who taught it to leave, and what it’s quietly costing you at work, at home, and across the table from anyone you disagree with.

Eric makes the case that presence isn’t a wellness trend or a personality type. It’s a skill. Most of us were trained out of it early, by men who were doing the best they knew how, and nobody handed us the manual to get it back.

So this episode is the manual. There’s one practice in here. It runs about thirty seconds, it costs nothing, and it hooks onto something already sitting in your day. No app. No routine to maintain. No streak to break.

Also covered: why being able to juggle five things might be the most respectable way a man ever avoided himself, why calm is the wrong target, and what actually separates a man who’s steady from a man who’s just checked out.

This one’s honest about the price. Paying attention means noticing things. Some of what’s waiting has been waiting a while.

Start it when you’ve got an hour and nothing in your other hand.

Nobody ever taught you to observe your own behaviors. You react, then rationalize, and call it your personality. You feel the heat climb up the back of your neck — and right away you’ve got an excuse ready. You’re just being honest. Just saying what everyone’s thinking.

But that story came second. Something already moved in you first, and it picked your words before you got a vote.

This is Video 1 of the Allied We Can Values Series — ten values, ten videos — and we’re not starting with the divisive stuff. We’re starting somewhere more personal. Because there’s a machine out there right now, engineered and focus-grouped, selling a version of manhood that keeps you angry, reactive, and easy to point at anything.

A man who can’t read himself isn’t strong. I’ll tell you what he actually is in the video — and why the people who study what sets you off are counting on you never finding out.

There’s a better pathway. In this one, I show you where it is.

Get book here:

eBook https://a.co/d/75YlQJW

Paperback- https://a.co/d/imxGqxa

Hardcover- https://a.co/d/1g6jINC

Love was never meant to be a competition, yet somewhere along the way, we started keeping score. We were told that control equals strength and that vulnerability is weakness. But what if the very thing we’ve been taught to avoid is the key to real connection?

In this episode Eric Miller invites listeners to look at love through a different lens—one that challenges the power games shaping modern relationships and redefines what it means to be strong. When influence turns into manipulation and confidence turns into control, something sacred gets lost.

This conversation isn’t about blame. It’s about rediscovering the kind of love that doesn’t need to win to feel worthy. The kind that grows when we stop performing and start showing up with authenticity.

If you’ve ever wondered why relationships that look “successful” on the surface still feel empty underneath, this one’s for you.

Do you want to improve your relationships? Watch Episode 17: Love Without Control now.

We spend years, sometimes decades chasing milestones we’re told will define us. Promotions, pay raises, bigger titles, busier calendars. And yet, when we finally arrive, the satisfaction is fleeting, and the question still lingers: Who am I beneath all this striving?

In this episode: Work, Worth, and Manhood, Eric Miller steps behind the polished surface of career success to share a deeply personal story, one marked by constant achievement yet an unsettling sense of emptiness. Together, we trace the hidden forces that tie a man’s worth to his productivity and explore how those narrative shapes relationships, self-esteem, and even the way men respond to power and authority.

We also pull back the curtain on how systems from workplaces to political movements exploit this performance-driven identity to keep men striving, competing, and conforming. And we ask a deeper question: What’s left when the goals are stripped away?

This isn’t a conversation about ambition versus apathy. It’s an invitation to step beyond the paycheck and uncover a richer definition of strength, one rooted in integrity, character, and the quiet confidence of knowing your value doesn’t have to be earned.

What happens when dad isn’t there? For many men, the absence of a father, whether through leaving, neglect, or emotional unavailability creates wounds that echo for decades. These experiences often plant questions of worth and safety that influence relationships, career paths, and personal identity.

Research shows that father absence in childhood is associated with higher risks of anxiety, depression, and difficulty forming trust. Boys raised without consistent father involvement are more likely to struggle with school, act out behaviorally, or turn anger into their primary emotional outlet. Timing matters too, absence in early childhood carries some of the strongest effects. Yet the story is not only about risk; quality relationships with mentors, stepparents, or community leaders can help buffer these challenges and provide stability.

This episode also explores why authoritarian figures often feel appealing to those with unresolved father wounds. By mimicking a “strong father” role—strict rules, control, and promises of protection such leaders can attract followers searching for stability, even if the cost is personal freedom. Healthy masculinity offers a different path, one grounded in presence, listening, accountability, and empowerment.

You will leave with practical action steps. This is not about dwelling on pain but about transforming it into growth and authenticity. Healing the father gap is possible, and when men choose that work, they model a masculinity that empowers rather than controls.