Alright, this doesn't suck.
But, is it the close voicings, the 7th chords, or the chromaticism that's doing it?
I don't think it's the close voicings. I tried that on something entirely diatonic and mostly free of 7th chords, and it didn't make it.
Come to think of it, in the example prior to this one, there were non-diatonic notes in all the same places as this one. And that one sounded "sometimes" Jazz-Choir, often Church-Choir.
So, I'm going to do an open-voicing one (because I already figured out the notes), but I think I have to write another one that uses all 7ths and 9ths, but nothing whatsoever outside of its home key. See if that flies.