QUOTABLE

* “There are two kinds of people in the world: people with systems, and people who are broke.”

* “We weren’t poor. We were vintage.”

* “I would never take a check from my father.”

* “Goals are for idiots. Systems are subject to constant refinement.”

* “The right system never lets you fail.”

* “What my father did with thousands, I did with millions.”

* “I was my father with three more zeros.”

* “On the one hand, we lost everything. On the other hand, we never really had it.”

* “Small & Smart is not just the best way to do business. It is the best way to live.”

ESSAY VERSION

Mark Whitney hilariously dissects the case of a man who threw a Subway sandwich at federal officers in Washington, D.C. Through sharp satire and food puns, Whitney argues that if this is our biggest threat, then we’re “officially safe enough.” It’s a witty critique of political theater and government overreach.

Coach dismantles America’s outmoded hate matrix, proposes “common law citizenship” for immigrants who are treated like citizens, and roasts Trump’s weaponization of IRS data provided by immigrants with social security numbers and business permits. Featuring Billy Long — the auctioneer-turned-IRS Commissioner who lasted 52 days — a record for the Administration.

In this explosive monologue, Coach explains why congressional insider trading will never stop—because 90% of Congress is married. With stories from prison, supervised release, and legal hustles, Coach reminds us of loopholes nobody has the power to close, even if they wanted to, which they don’t!

In a no-holds-barred interview straight out of South Park’s sandbox, America’s Coach welcomes Slimy Trump—the presidential penis himself—fresh off his animated debut. From Climax, Michigan to Ball State, no shaft goes unexamined. It’s satire, it’s obscene, it’s somehow patriotic. Slimy goes deep. Very deep. And sings Pippin. Seriously.

Mark Whitney delivers a masterclass in solo multimedia production, guiding viewers through his live video rig, 3-camera setup, and his evolving satirical newsroom starring “Dick Shaft.” From gear hacks to graphic composition tips inspired by Jon Stewart, Mark shows how to produce high-quality satire on a budget. He also previews upcoming essays, shares his studio design philosophy, and explains why Substack—not YouTube—is his platform of choice. A must-watch for serious creators looking to elevate their video game.

Colbert Retrospective, Chapter 2 of 5: "Bombs, Boogeymen, and Body Slams" · October 30, 2018. Pipe bombs, false flags, and Halloween hysteria collide as Mark Whitney skewers Trump, media panic, and America’s terrorized psyche. Stephen Colbert gets the Sis Boom Bah Award for Joke of the Week.

While testing out a new gimbal on a breezy beach walk near his studio, Mark Whitney unspools a plausible political thriller involving J.D. Vance, Peter Thiel, and the ghost of Jeffrey Epstein. Drawing inspiration from House of Cards, Whitney spins a tale of plausible deniability, dark arts kompromat, and quiet coups—ultimately asking: who benefits most if Trump collapses under scandal?

Colbert Retrospective, Chapter 1 of 5: "Brett Kavanaugh Has Bad Judgment" · September 30, 2018. A late night look back at Brett Kavanaugh’s confirmation circus, exposing the beer-soaked lies, prep school privilege, and painfully bad judgment.