By D. Jeff Burton

D. Jeff Burton is the author of For Those Who Wonder and a former member of the Sunstone board of directors.

 

 

 

In this column I share the story of a gay/bisexual man I’ve become acquainted with over email. Names and details are changed to protect his privacy (and job).

 

Nate: I have been reading your Sunstone column for many years. I can relate closely to some of the experiences people have in the LDS Borderlands, especially those who are partially or totally in the closet. Personally, I’m partially in two closets: the Borderlands closet and the LGBTQ closet. But I’ve had pretty good success reconciling this situation with my Mormonism. Perhaps some of your readers will find my experiences interesting and even helpful.

 

Jeff: I’m glad you contacted me. We’re always looking for thoughtful, meaningful stories from members like you. Borderland experiences, good and bad, have helped many people, and I’m grateful to everyone who has shared their stories in this column.1

Can I start off by having you fill out the standard questionnaire?

(Nate’s edited responses to our Borderland questionnaire follow.)

 

* How would you describe your upbringing in the Church?

I was born of goodly parents, a second child with one older sister and two younger sisters—all of us about a year and half apart. My mother was really hands-on with us, but my dad kept very busy with his careers—in business and in the Church. He was in bishoprics and the stake high council during most of my years growing up. He was a good man and set a good example for us, but he could be a little doctrinaire about our religious life.

 

* What is your current status in the Church?

I’m married with two grown children and I attend church meetings frequently with my wife. I don’t currently have an “important” calling, but I do help with ward dinners, substitute teaching, service projects, and Primary (my wife’s calling). My callings depend on the kind of bishop we have at the time. Some don’t seem to know how to deal with guys like me, while others try to bring me closer to the center. I go to church mostly because I just like being with my neighbors and friends in the ward.

 

* What issues / events / actions / concerns caused you to move into (or through) the “Borderlands?”

That’s a complicated question. I’ll have to give you a little background.

Since I grew up with mostly females in my daily life, I was very comfortable being with my sisters and their friends. I even put on a dress once in a while just for kicks (though I see now that they probably thought I was joking or making fun of them). When I was about nine years old my dad asked me why I didn’t go out and play with the boys more often. “I just feel more comfortable and happy with the girls,” I thought. But I didn’t tell my dad that. He likely thought that a boy playing with girls meant the kid was a sissy.

When I turned twelve, I was ordained a deacon and started socializing more with guys my age. I guess I was going through puberty about that time because I noticed that one boy in the quorum was really cute. I wasn’t surprised or upset by my reaction; I just thought it was what every guy felt. I was starting to get erections around that time but I didn’t know why or how they occurred, especially since they sometimes happened around guys I liked.

In other words, I didn’t know much about sex and gender identity at that point. I lived in an era, a family, and a part of Utah where those topics weren’t discussed. Honestly, when I heard people joke about a guy “being gay,” I thought they meant he was being a happy nerd.

One Sunday, during my first few months as a deacon, my bishop took all the Aaronic priesthood boys into a large classroom and started laying down the la...