Commandeer the Food Trucks: Rally a squad of our iconic mobile kitchens—Voodoo Doughnut for the sugar rush, Nong's Khao Man Gai for that Thai soul food hug, and a fleet of taco wagons from the Alberta Arts District. Park them en masse at the deployment staging areas: Southwest Third Avenue by the ICE outpost, Pioneer Courthouse Square for good measure. No barricades, no chants—just free plates heaped high, courtesy of the city and state coffers. Let the guardsmen line up like tourists at the Saturday Market, fumbling for napkins amid the steam of sizzling carnitas.

Mobilize the Servers: Assemble a company of hospitality pros—bartenders from the Pearl District's craft cocktail dens, line cooks from food cart pods, and that army of baristas who treat espresso like an art form. Outfit them in "Welcome to Portland: Resistance with a Side of Fries" aprons. Their mission? Overwhelm the arrivals with waves of indulgence: bottomless pours of Stumptown Coffee (cold brew for the jet-lagged, pour-overs for the principled), world-renowned Portland pizza slices from Escape From New York or Sizzle Pie (extra za'atar for that Middle Eastern flair), and a rotating carousel of craft brews from Breakside or Deschutes to wash it down. Turn the drop zone into a pop-up block party, complete with indie playlists from KEXP—think Sleater-Kinney anthems underscoring the irony.

Layer in the International Resistance: Because nothing says "global solidarity" like a bakery blitz. Source a fine selection of Danish pastries—flaky almond kringle, cheese-filled spandauer, and cinnamon-snail wisps—from our city's Danish outposts like Scandia or the Nordic bakeries in the Hawthorne district. Deliver them in care packages labeled "From Copenhagen with Love: Sweet Dreams of Actual Resistance." It's a nod to the European allies who've long eyed America's authoritarian flirtations with horror, and a reminder that true pushback pairs buttery layers with unyielding critique.