Friendship

▪ Consistent

▪ Relates to the quality of personal boundaries

▪ is a fit for committed and lasting relationships, planning (for success), loyalty, and all the other personal boundary aspects

▪ Forms a foundation on which a story can be built - like the theme of a story

▪ An island of safety to return to

▪ Mutual

▪ Mutual means "fair" - win/win, not win/lose

▪ It is part of what fails when there is narcissism or dependency

▪ It is what fails when there is a mismatch of maturity, the requirement for both quality friendship and lasting partnership

▪ Balance, which is also "health" as far as emotions go

▪ Evolutionarily advantageous, Reciprocal Altruism

▪ Shared

▪ Means "in person" and forms the basis for making a team for two and testing that.

▪ We are wired for in-person socializing and romance, not email, texts, or tweets.

▪ also lends ownership

▪ also prevents projection and other immature ego defenses that we see operating when people communicate electronically

▪ Positive Emotion

▪ Not the Emo Club, which is based on negativity and is weak

▪ Is synonymous with happiness, value, and self-esteem

▪ Note the difference between good sex and happiness or between success and happiness

▪ They can co-occur but do not naturally lead to each other, except in the case of Csikshentimihalyi's FLOW STATE, caused by balance and alignment of the cognitive, emotional and passion-based

▪ Means that depressed and anxious people are not good friends while in the throes of their problem

▪ Value and Investment

▪ Value = Happiness

▪ Value = happiness, but value = worth of something

▪ Is dynamic and changing

▪ Can have a "drain" or "siphon" on it, but also a "feeder"

▪ For example, one's circle of friends outside the romance

▪ Or the well-being that comes from income to a degree

▪ Family

▪ What Goes In Must Come Out

▪ the second law of thermodynamics - that energy is neither created nor destroyed

▪ if you are a taker, the chickens will come home to roost someday

▪ Like a credit card

▪ Beliefs

▪ composed of ideas with emotion

▪ and so values are a part of beliefs in that they are an emotional valence

▪ tabletop model, with

▪ idea

▪ evidence

▪ emotional glue

▪ sense of reality and what is real

▪ Optimizing Investment

▪ Consider what people consider a 'bargain"

▪ Vs. what people consider a "ripoff"

▪ How many relationships have you been in that were a bargain?

▪ How many were ripoffs?

▪ The former had positive emotions and value

▪ The latter drained your positive emotion and value

▪ Self-esteem

▪ Positive Emotional Energy

▪ Depression and anxiety have low self-esteem

▪ Well-being and Confidence are the two flavors of high self-esteem

▪ Stress is "negative self-esteem" and is composed of

▪ Hurt

▪ And Loss

▪ The Opposite of Stress

▪ Hurt outside if through the boundary causes ANGER, which can lead to violence or depression

▪ Loss outside if through boundary causes ANXIETY, which can lead to addiction or worry/panic and masochism

▪ Stress is unhappiness

▪ Happiness, self-esteem, value, and friendship relieve stress

▪ if anger is in you, it's yours and drains your well-being

▪ If anxiety is in you, it's yours and drains your confidence

▪ Well-being

▪ The sense of being full or having one's needs met, fed well, mothered

▪ Enables your engine to run cool and to be efficient without waste

▪ Confidence

▪ The state of being able to withstand risk, change, or loss, to be fathered

▪ The energy of action, getting things done

▪ The Four Laws of Emotional Dynamics

▪ The 1st Law

▪ Love = Happiness = Self-esteem = Well-being + Confidence

▪ Identity

▪ Oxytocin and Well-being

▪ Vasopressin and Confidence

▪ The Chemistry of Couples

▪ The 2nd Law

▪ Stress = Hurt + Loss

▪ Hurt

▪ Loss

▪ The 3rd Law

▪ Unhappiness = Anger + Anxiety

▪ Anger = Hurt that gets in you

▪ Anxiety = Loss that gets in you

▪ The 4th Law

▪ Unhappiness has three directions

▪ Passiveness, Destructiveness, and Constructiveness

▪ Anger = Depression + Aggression + Assertiveness

▪ Anxiety = Impulsive Avoidance + Masochism + Courage

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit romantipedia.substack.com