Romantipedia®

SHOW NOTES

I once had a journalist advisor before I even got into the public eye, and his name was Starr Wright.

He taught me concept that today would be considered trite, but which I had never heard of. The K.I.S.S. technique - “keep it simple, stupid.” And above all, “don’t bury the lead.”

One thing that makes me not a very good marketer, but I hope makes me a better person, is that I don’t aggreandize things and place them in neon so well. I tend to hope people “just get it” when it comes to quality instruction and spurring them into new ideas and directions for themselves.

But I guess that violates Starr’s advice of not burying the lead, and I have certainly made him rollover in his grave a few times in past decades for so doing.

This is probably true of what amounts to my “life’s work,” a model of human courtship that I have rendered in a 5000+ page wiki-style compendium, called Romantipedia.com.

Become a monthly paid Substack member today, here, or at the Romantipedia Substack:

My model I call Romantic Dynamics, with a nod to Freud’s overarching psychology he called Psychodynamics.

It took from 2004-2017 to develop and is still dynamically developing on the site, but I wasn’t sure what to do with it once it was done.

I rendered it as a 17 book series on Amazon of about 400 pages each: The Romantic Dynamics Series.

The Intro book even comes as an Audible audiobook.

I finally decided that since it is so central to all I write—because I believe that even the best very personal growth occurs within the forge of romantic relationships—that it ought to just be given away in access to monthly paid members of any of my substacks.

But where’s the “bury the lead part?”

Well, I haven’t been very good at showing what the Romantipedia.com site or its human courtship model, Romantic Dynamics, are even good for.

Thus, the video herein.

It walks you through all the features of the site and what to do with them to analyze your present or past relationships, learn specific lessons and skills from them, and to plan on what you would want for your future in a romance—no matter your background or age.

What’s more, being a paid monthly member to any of our substacks gets you access to the free and one-time-paid courses at courses.romanticdynamics.com for as long as you are a member.

Now anyone can watch the video above to see what Romantipedia.com gives you, and the lead is no longer buried.

It’s a searchable database of the working parts of my model, indexed to ongoing, emerging research in the field, from Evolutionary Psychology to Gottman.

It comes with an “AI-style” advisor to tunnel you down to the one single article that will answer your question about romance or personal growth, often with references to Ancient Greek myths, Shakespeare, or modern cinema in the same paragraph as the science—to flesh out the principles and make them real.

Become a monthly paid Substack member today, here, or at the Romantipedia Substack:

In this conversation, Dr. Paul discusses the launch of his new platforms, Romantipedia and Romantic Dynamics, which focus on human courtship and personal growth. He outlines the nine steps of human courtship, the features of the new sites, and the benefits of membership. The discussion also covers the role of virtual advisors in guiding users through the learning process, the importance of compatibility in relationships, and the future development of courses and community engagement. Dr. Paul reflects on his journey in the field of psychology and the evolution of his work over the years.

Introduction and Overview

- Dr. Paul, begins by addressing attendees and apologizes for a technical issue related to being muted.

- He introduces a new online resource, a website he has developed over the past decade, which is centered on the psychology of human courtship.

- Dr Paul discusses the evolution of his ideas, linking them to a book he published in 2007 and recent developments in psychological research.

- He outlines a structured model of human courtship comprising nine steps within three phases:

1. Sexual Attraction (Reptilian Brain)

2. Emotional Attraction (Mammalian Brain)

3. Intellectual Attraction (Conscious Partnership)

- Each phase includes three steps that delve into different aspects of attraction and relationships.

Membership and Access

- Attendees who are present during the call are granted complimentary lifetime access to the resource and courses available on the new platform, despite the general membership becoming paid.

- Dr Paul invites participants to ask questions and engages them in a brief tour of the resource, highlighting the interactive features available on the platform.

In summary, the talk focuses on presenting a comprehensive model of human courtship, offering free access to attendees for lifetime learning, and encouraging interaction throughout the webinar.

Takeaways

The model of human courtship is based on extensive research.

Romantopedia is designed to be user-friendly and informative.

Membership includes access to various resources and community support.

Virtual advisors help users navigate their learning journey.

Compatibility is crucial for successful relationships.

Emotional intelligence is key to personal growth.

The importance of scientific backing in psychological principles.

Public interest in psychology has increased significantly.

Courses will be continuously updated with new research.

Members will have ongoing access to resources and community engagement.

Titles

Unlocking the Secrets of Human Courtship

Navigating the Nine Steps of Romantic Dynamics

Sound bites

“I developed the best model of human courtship.”

“The site is structured like a Wiki.”

“I needed to prove what I claim to be true.”

Chapters

00:00 Introduction to Romantopedia and Membership Benefits

21:53 Exploring Romantic Dynamics and Course Offerings

42:31 Q&A and Closing Remarks

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit romantipedia.substack.com/subscribe

Thank you to everyone who tuned into my live video! Those who want access to the full Romantic Dynamics Course need to be monthly paid members at:

SHOW NOTES:

In this lesson of the Romantic Dynamics course, Dr. Paul delves into the intricacies of the mammalian brain and its pivotal role in human courtship. This exploration contrasts with the previously discussed reptilian brain, highlighting the evolution from instinctual behaviors to more complex emotional interactions. The session emphasizes the importance of self-esteem, courage, and emotional attraction in building meaningful relationships. Dr. Paul provides a comprehensive understanding of how these elements contribute to the phases of courtship, underscoring the significance of friendship and love.

Context:

Dr. Paul discusses concepts in the Romantic Dynamics course available to members, focusing on the mammalian brain and its role in human courtship and psychology.

Key Concepts:

1. Brain Models:

- The discussion begins with an overview of the Triune Brain Model, which segments the human brain into:

- Reptilian Brain: The least conscious, instinct-driven area responsible for basic survival instincts and childish behaviors. It plays a crucial role in the early stages of human courtship.

- Higher Brain: This area is associated with character development, conscious self-awareness, personal boundaries, and intentional decision-making.

2. Human Courtship:

- Dr. Paul asserts that prior models of human relationships, particularly those by the Gottman Institute, are centered around existing partnerships and marriage. However, they do not adequately address:

- Dating

- Forming friendships

- Addressing the loneliness experienced by single individuals

- The lesson proposes a unique model of human courtship that encompasses both psychological development and relational dynamics, focusing on how individuals can navigate dating and partnerships.

3. Evolutionary and Jungian Psychology:

- The lesson highlights the interrelationship between Evolutionary Psychology and Jungian Psychology. While both address psychological development, they are particularly relevant when applied to understanding the reptilian brain and its influence on initial dating behavior.

- Dr. Paul emphasizes the need for a comprehensive model that integrates all facets of the brain and the entire spectrum of human courtship and personal development.

4. Value of the Course:

- The coursework aims to provide participants with practical and applicable insights into dating and relationships, moving beyond traditional matchmaking approaches which often lack structured systems.

Conclusion:

This lesson underscores the complexity of human relationships, the role of the brain in shaping behaviors, and the necessity for educational resources that cater to both singles and those in relationships.

Keywords

Romantic Dynamics, mammalian brain, self-esteem, emotional attraction, courage, relationships, friendship, love, courtship, Dr. Paul

Detailed Takeaways

The Mammalian Brain's Role

Dr. Paul explains that the mammalian brain is essential for understanding emotional attraction, which is distinct from the primal instincts governed by the reptilian brain. This brain region facilitates complex emotions and self-awareness, crucial for developing deeper connections.

Self-Esteem and Happiness

The session highlights the link between self-esteem and happiness, emphasizing that individuals with high self-esteem are less prone to prolonged depression or anxiety. Self-esteem fosters friendship and love, forming the foundation of healthy relationships.

Courage in Relationships

Courage is portrayed as a vital component in overcoming challenges within relationships. Dr. Paul discusses how courage leads to confidence, enabling individuals to face fears and uncertainties, ultimately strengthening their bonds.

Emotional vs. Sexual Attraction

Emotional attraction is differentiated from sexual attraction, with the former being associated with love and friendship. This phase of courtship is characterized by mutual respect and understanding, forming the basis for lasting partnerships.

The Importance of Friendship Bonds

Friendship is identified as a core element of courtship, providing emotional support and enhancing self-esteem. Dr. Paul emphasizes that strong friendship bonds are vital for sustaining romantic relationships.

Value and Happiness

The concept of value in relationships is tied to the happiness derived from interactions with partners. Dr. Paul explains that recognizing and appreciating each other's value enhances relationship satisfaction.

Confidence as an Antidote to Anxiety

Confidence is presented as a countermeasure to anxiety, with Dr. Paul advocating for behavioral therapy techniques to build confidence. This approach helps individuals navigate relationship challenges with resilience.

Phases of Human Courtship

The session outlines the phases of human courtship, from initial attraction to emotional bonding and partnership. Each phase is marked by distinct emotional and psychological developments.

Understanding Emotions

Dr. Paul discusses the role of emotions in relationship development, highlighting their informational value. Emotions guide individuals in addressing unmet needs and fostering personal growth.

Courage and Relationship Growth

The lesson concludes with an emphasis on courage as a catalyst for relationship growth. By facing challenges head-on, individuals can build stronger, more fulfilling connections.

Titles

* Exploring the Mammalian Brain in Courtship

* The Role of Self-Esteem in Relationships

* Courage and Confidence in Love

* Understanding Emotional Attraction

* Friendship: The Core of Courtship

* Value and Happiness in Relationships

* Navigating Relationship Challenges with Courage

* The Phases of Human Courtship

* Emotions and Relationship Development

* Building Confidence in Love

Sound bites

* "The mammalian brain explains emotional attraction."

* "Self-esteem is happiness and friendship."

* "Courage is key in relationships."

* "Emotional attraction is not sexual attraction."

* "Friendship bonds are vital."

* "Value equals happiness in relationships."

* "Confidence fights anxiety."

* "Emotional attraction is a courtship phase."

* "Emotions guide relationship growth."

* "Courage builds confidence."

Chapters

* 00:00:00 Introduction to the Mammalian Brain

* 00:00:29 Self-Esteem and Emotional Attraction

* 00:00:57 Courage in Relationships

* 00:01:24 Friendship and Value in Courtship

* 00:01:52 Understanding Emotions in Relationships

* 00:02:22 Building Confidence and Overcoming Anxiety

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit romantipedia.substack.com/subscribe

To take the course as complimentary to your upgraded membership, upgrade yourself":

Summary

This conversation introduces the overall structure of the course on human courtship. It discusses the three phases of courtship: sexual attraction, emotional attraction, and intellectual attraction. Each phase consists of three steps, making a total of nine steps in the courtship process. The conversation emphasizes the importance of understanding and playing the same game as the other person, as well as the potential challenges of dealing with narcissism in relationships. It also highlights the significance of polarity and compatibility in forming a successful partnership. The conversation concludes by mentioning the Romantopedia website and the resources available for further learning.

Takeaways

Human courtship can be divided into three phases: sexual attraction, emotional attraction, and intellectual attraction.

Each phase consists of three steps, making a total of nine steps in the courtship process.

Understanding and playing the same game as the other person is crucial in forming a successful relationship.

Dealing with narcissism in relationships can be challenging and may lead to negative outcomes.

Polarity and compatibility are important factors in creating a lasting partnership.

Romantipedia provides additional resources and information on human courtship.

Sound Bites

"Are you going to be playing the same game as the other person?"

"Understanding and playing the same game as the other person is crucial in forming a successful relationship."

"Screen any potential date for severe narcissism at the outset."

Chapters

00:00 Introduction to the Course

01:59 Playing the Same Game in Courtship

03:27 Dealing with Narcissism in Relationships

06:16 The Three Phases of Courtship

08:39 The Importance of Polarity and Compatibility

19:48 Exploring the Nine Steps of Courtship

To take the course as complimentary to your upgraded membership, upgrade yourself":

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit romantipedia.substack.com/subscribe

The benefits of being a paid monthly Romantipedia® Member on Substack are numerous.

We offer members access to comment on the articles and draw many from the rich, 5000+ page compendium of lessons on romance at the Romantipedia.com website, accessible only by Romantipedia® Substack paid members.

Twice-monthly Teleseminar meetings augment your learning about romance using the system we have developed called Romantic Dynamics®.

In this system, we break down romance into three phases:

* Sexual Attraction Phase (Desire)

* Emotional Attraction Phase (friendship and exclusive dating)

* Intellectual Attraction Phase (commitment between partners.)

These phases are further subdivided into three steps each, which gives you a course to chart in knowing where you are at any given stage or step of courtship with another person.

When you become a member, you will also have access to the courses and training programs of Romantipedia®, video and audio courses with quizzes to test your knowledge.

Still, perhaps the most high-tech aspect of the site is the “Virtual Advisor,” an AI-like function that asks you questions to narrow your exploration of Romantipedia.com to only one article to answer your question about love.

Sign up below to be a member if you aren’t already, and once you are, find the link to register for free on Romantipedia.com at the bottom of this page.

Once you subscribe as a paid member you access all the benefits below…

This is your access to Romantipedia® Upgraded (paid) Membership.

You can log in after free registration for the detailed courses at:

Here is where you will register for free then log in, at which you will be directed to your courses to see all your courses, at:

In addition, as a paid, Upgraded Member, you will have access to Romantipedia.com for as long as you’re a Substack member. (You will also need to register there for free, then wait for us to approve you based on being a paid Substack member in good standing.)

Be sure to also register for free, separately at Romantipedia® to access every detail of the wiki and user forums, as well as the AI style advisor on romance, here:

After registering you will need to wait for us to approve you based on the status of being an ongoing paid member of this Substack.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit romantipedia.substack.com/subscribe

If you want access to the giant compendium of Human Courtship and the system called Romantic Dynamics®, at Romantipedia.com, become an Upgraded Member here:

To fully make use of this lecture in everyday life you ought to take the Social Personality Quiz for free, here:

What is my Social Personality?

SHOW NOTES:

Dr. Paul from Romantipedia discusses human courtship in nine total large steps organized into three steps per phase, with three phases in total. The talk delves into the idea that research across psychology disciplines suggests that the path of lasting romance fits within these phases. Reference is made to the triune brain theory proposed by Dr. Paul MacLean, a core idea in evolutionary psychology. This theory categorizes brain functionality into three main types: the reptilian brain, the mammalian brain, and the higher brain. Freud's theoretical framework of the id, ego, and superego is compared to the triune brain model, highlighting different categories of functionality in human behavior. The talk also touches on the relevance of these concepts to understanding human courtship dynamics and interactions.

The reptilian brain is described as the most primitive area of the brain, associated with instincts and the unconscious mind similar to Freud's or Jung's notion of the unconscious. The mammalian brain, on the other hand, is likened to emotional bonding and is considered the center of emotions. If correlated with brain anatomy, it would relate to the limbic system, responsible for emotional processing. Despite historical and conceptual differences between Jungian psychology and evolutionary psychology, both are noted for their utility in analyzing unconscious processes consistently and reliably. The reptilian brain represents instincts and the unconscious mind, while the mammalian brain pertains to emotional bonding and emotional processing.

The higher brain, associated with the cortex, mirrors the conscious mind, responsible for logic, reason, creativity, analysis, organization, ethics, and maturity. It encompasses aspects related to wakefulness, alertness, and purposeful behavior and thought. This segment of the brain is likened to Freud's conscious mind within his model of the unconscious, subconscious, and conscious, eventually evolving into the id, ego, and superego. These three functionalities are comparable to the evolutionary psychologists' triune brain model of the reptilian, mammalian, and higher brain. These three functional areas of the mind neatly align with three acts of a play or movements of a symphony, representing a beginning, a middle, and an end—a simple storytelling structure.

Romance and marriage can be seen as stories with a beginning, middle, and end, much like the three phases of courtship that correspond to the reptilian brain, the mammalian brain, and the higher brain. The first phase involves sexual attraction, passion, or desire, driven by unconscious instincts and a dance of masculine and feminine instincts. This phase comprises steps one to three. Moving on to the second phase, emotional attraction consists of steps four to six, where step six represents the completion of emotional attraction. Step four is characterized by finding value in each other, equating value with happiness, love, and friendship. This phase signifies the middle part of the courtship process, aligning with the concept of a three-part story structure.

Step 5 in the courtship process involves finding stress in each other, where couples become aware of what detracts from the love and happiness they share. This phase focuses on understanding and addressing negative emotions like anger, sadness, and anxiety that can impact relationships. Couples typically first experience stress arising from unmet needs or issues before facing major crisis situations. Step 6 represents the final stage of emotional attraction, concluding the exploration of emotional aspects of a relationship. The next phase, intellectual attraction, equates to commitment or partnership, marking the transition to a more conscious and committed stage in the relationship, associated with the higher brain in evolutionary psychology. This phase involves addressing and overcoming emotional stressors that may diminish love and friendship.

Steps 4, 5, and 6 of the courtship process focus on building emotional connection and friendship between two individuals in a relationship. Step 4 involves finding value in each other, step 5 is about identifying and addressing stress in the relationship, and step 6, the final step of emotional attraction, is referred to as finding completion in each other. This stage signifies moving from successfully managing stress together towards transitioning to a deeper commitment and partnership, preparing the couple for the next phase - intellectual attraction or a committed relationship (Steps 7, 8, and 9). Step 6 marks the threshold before deciding on a long-term commitment, where individuals may be nearing a significant commitment but still have aspects to explore together. This phase encapsulates the essence of friendship and emotional connection, laying the foundation for a more profound and enduring relationship beyond casual or exclusive dating.

In Step 4 of the relationship process, which marks the initial phase of emotional attraction, the focus is on defining friendship, as friendship and love are considered synonymous. Friendship is described as consistent mutual shared positive emotion, forming the basis for further discussions on relationship dynamics. A true friendship entails elements of consistency, mutuality, sharing, and positive emotions, with interactions that are fair and balanced emotionally. Moving on to Step 5, the phase involves identifying stressors in the relationship that can detract from the positive emotions and happiness shared between individuals. Stress, which can lead to feelings of anger and anxiety, is addressed by understanding its root causes, such as unmet needs or insecurities, and addressing them through assertiveness and courage respectively.

In the context of navigating relationships, Step 6 involves finding completion in each other, which signifies a deeper connection beyond basic friendship. While ordinary friends can support each other emotionally and work through challenges together, entering into a committed and lasting relationship requires an additional element: compatibility in personalities.

Personality, considered an integral aspect that cannot be easily altered, plays a crucial role in determining relationship suitability.

Unlike some personality typing systems like the Big Five that provide data but lack theoretical explanation, the Social Personality System (formerly known as KWML) offers a framework that delves into the reasons behind personality dynamics. This system focuses on the consistent patterns of communication and behavior that individuals exhibit, emphasizing the repeatability and reliability of these traits within relationship contexts.

Matching personalities effectively is highlighted as a key factor in building a strong and enduring partnership.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit romantipedia.substack.com/subscribe

From our teleseminar series for upgraded members, which we had again last night, I wanted to share this installment. Those of you with upgraded membership and, therefore, access to Romantipedia.com will find direct links in this article to explore more there.

You can upgrade to access all the coursework as well as Romantipedia.com by becoming an upgraded member, here:

For a potential lasting couple to navigate friendship and love together in this, the Act Two of our love story called human courtship - emotional attraction - we must master the two prime negative emotions – anger and fear, which are the roots of all unhappiness– or else risk the failure of our friendship, and therefore our romance. Othello and Hamlet teach us how we can transcend depression, revenge, and jealousy to  discover assertiveness as the only way out of anger. Lady Macbeth, Romeo and Juliet, and Julius Caesar show us how to transcend addiction, fear, masochism, and worry through courage to emerge as an emotionally powerful couple.

Science and the Two Killers of Friendship ➳

Right in the middle of the nine steps of courtship, and this, step 5, we have entered the world of friendship and love, and the main energy that it runs on, which is the happiness of self-esteem. This is where we know what to look for in love and friendship, but now we must guard that self-esteem against all the things that may bring it down, impair, limit, or extinguish it. The one word for the most threatening force that may kill love and friendship is, "Stress."

Since there are two kinds of stress - hurt and loss - then there are two major "killers" of love, friendship and happiness, and we must learn to deal with them both. If the stress called, "hurt," gets into us, then it is OURS, and we now call that, "anger." If the stress called, "loss," gets into us, then it too, is OURS, and we now call it, "anxiety." We need to be able to recognize and label these two killers of love when they appear in our lives, as stress.

The Drama of Anger and Fear ➳

Stress comes at us from the outside, and is negative emotional energy. Our personal boundary is actually the first line of defense against stress, blocking it at the door of our psychology. However, once these two types of stress - hurt and loss - get into us, they are now our anger and anxiety. These two opposite emotions are on a spectrum that explains nearly every negative experience we have, and they are behind much of the drama of the human condition.

The variety of ways that our dramas in our relationships may play out is myriad, as many as there are unique people in the world. However, the psychology does take on certain patterns across the bell curve of people, and for seeing the dynamics of stress with clarity, as sets of averages of behaviors, we will need to employ what we call the Anger Map to guide us in processing anger, and the Anxiety Map, to guide us in the dynamics of our fears.

In the end, the stories about our dramatic emotions also take certain patterns that one may find as themes of major pieces of folklore and literature. The works of Shakespeare for example contain such a rich diversity of human emotional situations that one might nearly see Shakespeare not just as the canon, or compendium of dramatic stories, but as a glossary of all the dramatic behaviors that people are capable of in their psychology.  And so we will make use of various Shakespearean stories in our exploration of stressand other impediments to love.

Othello and Desdemona ➳

Anger is often the first stressful emotion that men and women encounter as new couples. It indicates that there is some lack of a resource, that someone needs something and is not getting it, or that some social, financial, romantic or interpersonal damage has been done to a person. The stress called, "hurt," leads to the internal feelings in someone who has been hurt, of getting angry.

The story of Othello and Desdemona teaches us about many of the pathways that angerin us can take, including the path of revenge, with all its permutations, and among them, the "green-eyed monster," jealousy, which has its way with our impulsive, irrational behavior, taking it over as it is powered by anger and the scarcity of well-being, peace and comfort that we suffer of.

Our first foray into Shakespeare has us looking to the interpersonal strife between two men over one woman, and all the inaccurate meanings to be made in that, between the men and between Othello and his wife, Desdemona. It is an appropriate story to lead us deeper into the emotions, since we have completed the step 3 of courtship - where men compete to win the heart of a woman, and step 4 of courtship, where we have seen a man and woman come together to form the beginnings of a friendship.

The Treasure Map of Anger ➳

In getting this far through the Romantic Dynamics material, you likely have learned enough about psychology to see how emotions work, how they are on a spectrum, how our instincts and to a degree, how our decisions have an impact on the emotions.

We will first take on the challenge of a comprehensive look at that first of two killers of love, "hurt," and the anger which it becomes if it breaks through our personal boundary, or if we let it in through a weakness or gap in our boundary.

Central in understanding both anger, and any algorithmic map of it to explain its dynamics, is the notion that we, as humans, are living things. To biologists, a living thing at the least, responds to its environment, and this behavior requires that the response vary on a spectrum from being more unconscious and automatic (which we call an instinct), all the way over to a response that is actually conscious and purposeful, possibly with some logic and reasoning involved (which we call a decision.)

Since the response to the environment, varying from an instinct to a decision, can only have one of two outcomes - destructive (wrong) responses or outcomes, constructive(right) responses of outcomes, or there was no decision at all, then we have three possible pathways for anger that is in us, or gets into us, to be processed to its completion.

We will soon learn that these three options for anger will lead us down a path to the reptilian brain, the mammalian brain, or the higher brain, the latter of which is the conscious mind, and the center of character maturity. In the end, we are seeking out the very things we lack in life. These are our treasures, and they represent sources of well-being, or mothering, in our lives - the ultimate treasure, and a spiritual one.

Depression is Unloving ➳

If anger and anxiety suffered of hurt and loss are the two great "killers of love" and of friendship, then depression as one of the three pathways for anger is perhaps the most well-known and common. Depression is "anger turned inward," which is to say that it is anger that we store up and then make no decision about. In fact, one of the terrible things that sends the depressed down a drain of desolation is that depression itself causes indecision and passiveness, which then works against the "response to the environment" as defining life, and reflecting the passion that makes us feel alive, which then cycles back to passiveness and even more depression. Depression feels less than being alive.

In terms of where in the mind depression is operating, we could say that it is a feature of the mammalian brain, the emotional centers of the brain that are also so critical to running our emotional bonding in friendship and love. Depression is therefore also the enemy of love and friendship, and a depressed person may feel both unlovable and also come across as not friendly and loving, which certainly hurts romance.

The Sadness of Ophelia ➳

The story of Ophelia is one of the best in Shakespeare for explaining the dramatic nature of depression and its risks, the symbolism and language inherent in it and the hurt and anger underlying it in its Romantic Dynamics.

Ophelia was to marry Hamlet, when his grief-stricken antics got in the way, and she became so profoundly depressed as to actually get psychotic too, and commit suicide. This kind of tragic event is the natural course of what depression does to our romances. We are hurt, or not getting our need for love met, which then makes us angry on some level. If, like Ophelia, we find ourselves not being able to express our anger at the one who hurt us do to troubles of their own (like Hamlet's), then it has nowhere to go but to send us into depression.

From there, it can store up and store up, and when the lid if going to blow off, it very well may emerge as aggression. In the case of Ophelia and Hamlet, and her love for him amidst his grief, she could not find it in herself to violently attack him, and instead, attacked herself, to take her own life. The origin of the quote, "Depression is angerturned inward" was originally from Karl Menninger, MD, who had actually said, "Suicide is anger turned inward."

The Aggression of Hamlet ➳

In the character of Hamlet, we might be tempted to describe depression, for all his brooding and grief over the loss of his father. Yet his psychology vis a vis his loverOphelia, was one of emotional aggression with his anger. In our Anger Map, you might say that the greatest need of all needs in a boy is for his father, and in this case, the traumatic murder of his father was also a loss at the same time - the worst of that which causes both anger and anxiety, and the ultimate stress composed of that which both hurts, and suffers a loss.

The nature of aggression - doing harm to others with our anger - is seen in his cruel treatment of Ophelia - an emotional violence passed onto her from his reaction to the murder of his father. That aggressive nature is both angry, but also draws a feature out of the anxiety of his loss, which is impulsiveness. The reactionary impulsiveness in aggression makes it a pathway for venting anger that we could term, "reptilian-brained" due to its instinctual, lightning-quick response to the environment. This highlights that which is quick in our behavior is usually thoughtless, which lacks the foresight of Observing Ego spoken to in Polonius in his advice, "To Thine Own Self Be True." Like Ares, aggression is something expressed with the instincts on the environment, an automatic, unconscious behavior preprogrammed to respond to certain conditions with certain behaviors.

Only in the case of aggression, as with many instincts that are not paired with patienceand the maturity of high character, results in destructiveness to those around us - the ultimate win/lose behavior.

The Assertiveness of Horatio and Fortinbras ➳

Hamlet is not without male friends of his own, in the form of Horatio and Fortinbras. These two counsel him to cool his hot temper and think on what he is to do to root out the murderer of his father. Their advice encourages the higher-brained, conscious mature character behavior that we may call, "Assertiveness."

Assertiveness is the use of anger to correct a wrong with justice, to take the hurts we have suffered and correct them, to treat ourselves well, protect ourselves and to heal. With the lack we feel inside, the absence of the self-esteem type called, "well-being," we may use assertiveness to go get that which we lack, and to again fill up on well-being. That is the psychological healing process of both the hurt and the inner lack which cause anger in the first place.  To treat ourselves well.

One of the things that friends and romantic partners are called upon to do in mutually growing more mature, is to encourage assertiveness in our partner much like what Horatio and Fortinbras did for their friend, Hamlet. And so the donation of well-beingand the instruction on how to be more assertive are one of the two great actions of loving another person.

Assertiveness is then "higher-brained," or conscious, mature, and carries along with it all those traits of character maturity which also need the personal boundary and Observing Ego - patience, wisdom, constructiveness, a win/win approach that leads to balance and harmony.

The Two Deadly Sins of Anger ➳

When we think of sin, we ordinarily think of religion alongside the sense of doing "right or wrong." Even Christ in terms of his language, Aramaic, sees the word, "sin," translate literally to mean, "to miss the mark." This gives us a clue in terms of how to see "sin" in a psychological framework, as "not being accurate," alongside not being "right." The logic of the higher brain and its character maturity would help us in this matter, because when we are speaking of the "reptilian brain" and its various automatic functions that are designed to save our lives, to be "survivalist" and therefore, selfish, we are using a word that literally means, "the serpent."  So the reptilian brain is the domain of sin, when those instincts there are left to their own devices, and in the absence of the goodness, logic, and "right" of the higher brain, the absence of God, so to speak, and the absence of love.

You may then have heard of the famed "Seven Deadly Sins" plumbed by the fourth century Monk, Evagrius Ponticus, and include gluttony, fornication, greed, pride, envy (considered "sadness at another's fortune"), wrath, boasting, and dejection (or depression.) You may have heard some substitutions for some of these, such as Lust, for fornication, and Sloth for dejection or depression. In any case, the origin of these notions comes from Aristotle, and his concept of "cardinal virtues" and "vices."

In the case of the "Seven Deadly Sins," another name used for them is the "Capital Vices," those meriting death as punishment, in the sense of rejection from everlasting life. The two deadly sins" of anger are then Wrath, or Revenge, and Envy, or Jealousy, sadness at the fortune of another person. Both of these are forms of suffering, a lack of mature boundaries, in that they both cause one to be wishing for control of something that cannot be controlled, and only being in the present moment mindset - Observing Ego - is ever really something we do control.

For example, Revenge is anger directed at the past, which is already gone, and which we do not control. So all revenge is suffering and all revenge is aggressive, not assertive. This is "win/lose" behavior in which we are wishing to control the past which is already gone. It comes from a "scarcity mindset," that we cannot move onto a bright future until we "change the past." However, the past is set in stone.

Envy, or Jealousy, sadness at the fortune of another person, is anger directed at the future, in which we naturally assume the other person will continue to thrive, and that somehow that takes away from our own welfare. Thus, Envy is also a win/lose behavior in which we have a "scarcity mindset."

A major lesson in romance then when it comes to anger dynamics, is to root yourself free of revenge and envy feelings, which make you, yourself suffer as much as the other person.

The Escape Route From Stress ➳

We need to move on to anxiety and the Anxiety Map in order to deal with our second "killer of love," which is the losses and threats that cause anxiety. This second enemy of friendship and love usually comes along to new couples at some point after they first encounter anger and lacks of resources which cause anger.

In the case of anxiety, our structure of the dynamics is similar.It is still stress we face, but the name for the stress which causes anxiety is called, "loss."

Now, loss can have many synonyms. It may be an actual physical threat - the loss of our health - or it can be a financial threat, like a large bill or like bankruptcy. Loss may be intimidating, or it may even be fictional, the product of our own creative mind, not even real. Whatever it is, loss, as a stress, does not come in to do destruction, but to take something FROM us.

Therefore, the personal boundary is again the first line of defense. It is like an invisible shield around us - our privacy, the walls of our home, our encrypted passwords, and all the things that secure what we love from the outside world and its potential threats. Like preparation for a fire in our building, we need a plan, an "escape route" from stresses that find a way in through one of the open windows of our boundary which we forgot to close.

The Rescue Map of Anxiety ➳

We need to move on to anxiety and the Anxiety Map in order to deal with our second "killer of love," which is the losses and threats that cause anxiety. This second enemy of friendship and love usually comes along to new couples at some point after they first encounter anger and lacks of resources which cause anger.

In the case of anxiety, our structure of the dynamics is similar. If we are a living creature then by definition, we respond to the environment, and our emotions help us in that, serving as signals that something is wrong. We will then need to make a kind of decision about this wrongful thing which is going on. We will need to respond to that environment, anywhere from at the unconscious, instinct level, all the way up to the conscious, decision-making level.

With anxiety, rather than seeing our pathways to explore as a treasure map leading to well-being, we need to see our task as an "escape route" away from stress, and into confidence. After all, there is a threatened loss which caused our anxiety in the first place, or else simply a lack of confidence in our self-esteem that caused it. Once we are anxious, we have three available pathways just as we did with anger:

We can get impulsive and avoidant, passively letting anxiety drive us to escape the threats, frantically, thoughtlessly.

We can get "masochistic" and "poor me" in attitude, and dump our anxieties on others.

Or we can take the high road through the higher brain, and employ COURAGE against the things which make us anxious.

The Macbeths Had "Issues" ➳

We begin our exploration of the Anxiety Map - the escape route from anxiety - with the story of cowards. It is appropriate on multiple levels since the MacBeth's were married, were seeking goals, and had ample amounts of pathological narcissism in them as characters. And like much of Shakespeare, their story is distilled down to such universal human experiences of stress within a romance, that the story can't help but assist us with an exploration of anxiety.

One of the most well-known scenes in MacBeth and indeed in all of Shakespeare, is the one where having spurred her weak-character husband into actually murdering a rival for the kingship, Lady MacBeth cannot stop her obsessive washing of her hands, over and over again, she tries to dispense with her anxiety in an almost addictive way, to the point her hands are raw.

Meanwhile, her husband finds himself bearing the horrific and justifiably paranoid consequences of his murderous actions, as the trees of Dunsinane literally march up to him, leading to the final duel in which he justly meets his end. One of the lessons he offers us is to be careful what you fear. For if you repeat the fantasy too many times, you may find yourself in a real and deadly threat - the very thing you sought to avoid. Perhaps this is why therapists sometimes say, "What you resist, persists."

Both characters have a mindless, thoughtless way of pursuing their goals without considering the consequences. They are reptilian creatures to the bone, seeking out ambitions without regard to honesty or justice, murderers and cowards. They represent the addictive, reptilian bottom pathway of our diagram of anxiety's escape route - into the avoidance and impulsiveness of the passive approach to anxiety. Devoid of Observing Ego and the consequences of their actions, anxiety causes them to be always reactionary, survivalist, and in the end, to see their dreams, and their lives as the cowardly married couple, die.

Romeo and Juliet Could Have Just Left Town ➳

We explore a second attempted escape route for anxiety on our Anxiety Map, in the form of the drama of the "star-crossed lovers" Romeo and Juliet.  Theirs is also a tragedy, a cowardly life, and together, they both meet the same fate as the MacBeth's - which is death. We start to see a theme, that death is the result of cowardice in life. To this day, we so often think of the drama of Romeo and Juliet as a sweet love story, or as the ultimate love, when it is in fact, a despicable tragedy, and all could have been avoided.

Why does not one ever wonder why two adults in love, albeit young, never thought to have the courage to just skip town to Milan or Torino or somewhere in France? They could have made a new life as farmers or peddlers of products on the streets of some other city.

But no. Instead, the young, passionate lovers used the pathway for anxiety over their warring families to be masochistic together - the second pathway of anxiety. It means "the poor me attitude," victimhood as a banner worn on the forehead, and self-loathing and self-destruction.  This approach to anxiety is a decision to take the quick escape that leads nowhere, or leads back into an ongoing cycle of worry fretting, fearful imaginations and fantasies the expand and blow up the threats of life to grandiose proportions.

It is what one's grandparents may have called, "making a mountain of a molehill," or making "a tempest of a teapot." A mammalian-brained, emotional cycle of rumination about one's worries that is a branch point to the mammalian-brained ways of depressionand suicidality, just as the reptilian impulsiveness of the MacBeth's is a branch point to the reptilian nature of aggression (MacBeth's murderous ways.)

Like revenge and envy, masochism is a form of suffering of the highest proportions. It "dumps" our anxiety on other people, win/lose, and comes back to bite us anyway as we wish to control the threats in our lives with no more than what amount to repetitive thoughts of the threats themselves. Instead, we should take action on real threats, and subdue the imaginary ones, with courage.

Courage ➳

Courage is not only the antidote to cowardice, but is the most conscious, higher-brained thing that we can do with anxiety. It carries all the other features of mature character virtues in it - patience, discipline, goodness, fairness, justice, harmony, and persistence.  It is the constructive, win/win way to address anxiety, and that's even if we fail to get our heart's desire.

The reason for this is that no matter what, courage leads to confidence, that paternal, fatherly emotional energy of self-esteem that we all need in order to be completely happy.  Such Shakspearean stories as the hero stories of Julius Caesar, and Henry V tell us of courage on the actual battlefield, while specific characters such as Horatio and Fortinbras guide us at the interpersonal friendship level.

Courage is defined as "doing the right thing, no matter how bad you feel."  It always leads to more confidence in us, and benefits our romances with half of the two types of self-esteem that compose love.

Maturity in Friendship and Love ➳

Fully mastering the two threats to love - anger and anxiety - leads us to a place of wanting to do all we can to maximize our friendships.  This means exploring the dynamics of how love gets expressed and stress gets blocked or channelled into even more self-esteem.

The four classic modes of love - eros, agape, philia and amour are worth exploring here, because they show us the permutations and combinations possible between two people who are for example, parent and child, or platonic friends, or are mature lovers with mature and lasting romantic love.

All we have learned so far serves us well in terms of romance, but the fact is that each of the principles of the second phase of courtship - emotional attraction - are applicable to any human interaction involving love, such as the friendships and familial relationships above.

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Step 3 of courtship is where the female tests the male for both masculinity and character maturity, necessary items to reach a full, trusting attraction.

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This is also necessary to move onward into the full next phase called Emotional Attraction, which is friendship or love.

At that point they would both have a full attraction and desire, but only if the male rises to the occasion to pass the tests.

We use the synthesis of Jungian Psychology and Evolutionary Psychology to reach this conclusion, naming the male and female instincts after familial relationships in their mythological pantheon.

For example Athena is the goddess of judging the winners of wars, and her brother Ares is the god of war. If the male succeeds in being the top suitor, the winner, then the Athena Instinct in the female approves and he “passes the tests.”

Likewise, Artemis is the goddess of the “night hunt,” with a discriminating eye for character flaws and virtues in the male. To pass her tests the male employs the brother of Artemis, Apollo, who is equally detailed in his refinements as the god of the arts and sciences, diplomacy and conduct of a virtuous, logical, generative nature.

If the male then passes the tests of using numerous personal boundaries diplomatically—proves to be a “good man”—then Artemis is satisfied and the male passes the overall tests of both strength and kindness, a winning nature but also showing a loyal, trustworthy, high-character side.

The couple moves on to love, friendship and Emotional Attraction in this system.

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Facial asymmetry can affect human courtship behavior. In the study by Amcoff et al., it was found that male courtship display behavior in fish reflected the asymmetry of their morphological courtship trait [1].

This suggests that males preferentially use their best side and respond adaptively to temporary changes in signal trait asymmetry. Additionally, Lindell's research on facial emotion expression in humans showed that the left hemiface is anatomically more expressive, resulting in stronger emotion on the left side of the face [2].

This intuitive awareness of the left cheek's greater expressivity influences behaviors such as posing for photographs and cradling infants. These findings suggest that facial asymmetry can influence courtship behavior by affecting the attractiveness and expressivity of individuals.

Masculinity and Femininity ➳

Masculinity and Femininity contain the nature of the "gender instincts" in us, the source of passion for each other and for life itself. These states of being are synonymous with vitality, "feeling alive," charisma, excitement, and arousal. When one expresses masculinity or Femininity to another person, it is revitalizing, exciting, and refreshing, so everyone benefits when these energies are shared among us.

Playing It Cool ➳

This is how to have composure in dealing with the opposite sex and the first skill to learn in any personal growth or change effort. The operative psychological principle is observing ego, which is akin to "mindfulness" in paying attention to what is going on inside oneself and the social environment. If human courtship demands that certain behaviors be done in specific ways, with particular timing (or courtship turns off), having a psychological skill to "gauge" or measure one's social interactions is indispensable.

Paris of Troy ➳

This is the secret code of what attracts men and women passionately, translated right from the ancient Greek tale of the Trojan War. Depicted in the painting, The Judgment of Paris, this is the story that explains not only how the beauty of Helen of Troy "launched the Trojan War" but how there were three goddesses in competition with each other, tested by the arousal and interest of the most desirable, and eligible bachelor on earth: Paris of Troy. The gifts of Aphrodite, Hera, and Athena are not to be forgotten when seeking to understand the full complement of attractors of men.

Narcissus and Echo ➳

This is the introduction of what it is that limits us from even becoming attracted in the first place. It is the pathological narcissism or childishness, immaturity, and destructiveness of the "every man for himself" approach when looking to find love.  The survivalist approach is not the way to go if we are to appeal to the best mate possible ultimately, and the story of Narcissus and Echo from the ancient Greeks shows us the extent of damage that immature and self-absorbed couples can do to each other if they are not on guard for this killer of love and commitment.

What is Beauty Anyway ➳

Beauty as the first attractor of men. The gift of Aphrodite appeals to men by way of what, on the surface, appears to be the beauty of a woman's face, her body, and symmetry, which has often been looked to as an explanation of why beauty is beauty.

We see symmetry in nature and the form of balance and harmony in any ecosystem. Why would we not also seek it and appreciate it in our bodies and those of others?  

As the research would reveal, we have an even deeper need for something more beautiful than just visual appreciation.  Beauty, exemplified in symmetry, is symbolic of and a sign of biological health. We and our offspring will live longer for association with a person.

An example from the research on facial and body symmetry and initial attraction is HERE.

Beauty and Danger ➳

The nature of arousal and danger in terms of beauty as an attractor for men might give rise to one thinking of the "Black Widow Spider" who lures in and kills its prey. Or perhaps we might think of stories of the Sirens of the ancient Greeks, who lured the sailors to the rocks to die in the tales of the ancient Greeks. In the world of primatology, one may die if one becomes in conflict with large other creatures vying for the social attention and mating of another.

And we ultimately might discover that the operative term involved in this whole first step of courtship - "passion" - carries within it a dual meaning - which is both "to survive" and "to reproduce." Passion, then, causes arousal, and arousal itself is of two types - that which is romantic, of course, but that which also grabs the attention because of something dangerous or deadly. And so our senses, attuned to what is a threat in the world, may confuse the two and be aroused by one, leading to the other type of arousal.

Smile and the World Smiles With You ➳

The power of the senses and the physicality of the instincts for both genders is so great that numerous signs and signals of reproductive health may be picked up on from more than even one's physical appearance. One's posture, and even gait, one's vocal tone, and eye contact, the power of nonverbal communication in the face, perhaps most exemplified by a great smile, tells the other gender, "Yes, I will have healthy, successful children with you if we go all the way through the courtship steps."

Notice that smiling also makes any human face more “beautiful” by making corrections in its symmetry - evening out imperfections physically that not only convey nondepressed happy emotion but visual symmetry indicative of robust physical health. A sign of “good genes.”

The smile is also about more than physical attraction and passion. It previews the happiness and friendship possible with a person in the following complete phase - emotional attraction. It communicates that one is confident, not anxious, grateful, satisfied, and not depressed, which is why, of all physical things, the smile very well may signal our future from sexual attraction through emotional attraction into partnership and intellectual attraction.

Mysteriousness and Bluebeard ➳

While the reproductive and physical health of the female may be most signaled by her physical appearance, movement, eyes, face, vocal tone, gait, and smile, the male offers something somewhat different back to her in more than these physical aspects of himself. They pertain to the attachment that she once had to her father and a specific nature to that, of power, safety, security, and spurring of her curiosity about what Freud called the "Oedipus" period of childhood.

The man's mysteriousness and the woman's curiosity about him cause her ongoing attention and interest. Should she ever be able to label and categorize him entirely, the mystery will be gone for her and, with it, his allure. Therefore, the man ought to take note of the Oedipal mysteriousness combined with "danger" and the arousal it causes, which is well-exemplified in the old French folklore of Bluebeard the Noble.

Strategies and Tactics for Being Mysterious ➳

Many men have a hard time knowing "how to be mysterious," which is the same as how to retain a woman's curiosity about his inner thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Perhaps one of the best answers is in knowing what is mysterious by what mysteriousness is not - which is labeled, categorized, given a name or a story, and which both renders the man "safe" or "a known quantity," but which simultaneously takes away his mysteriousness, his allure, the arousal of his masculine "dangerousness" and sexual desire.

This is not to say that the "danger" is not physical but somewhat unknowable and unpredictable, and the risk of rejection, abandonment, and being judged poorly by those she sought to appeal to and impress presents a psychological and social "danger." Consider the work of literature, The Scarlet Letter, whose worst punishment was the "banishment" of the female from the social group, echoing the observations of sociolinguist Deborah Tannen, who once described that the worst thing a little girl could do to another little girl was to "exclude her from knowledge of secrets."

To the ancient hunter-gatherer versions of ourselves, it may well have been confirmed that a woman in the small tribes we lived in, having been judged ill, excluded from the intelligence of the group as far as the natural and physical dangers of wild animals, warring enemy tribes and other threats of nature, could, indeed, physically endanger her. And so it is built into her to want to be in the know, socially, to question the thoughts, emotions, and behaviors of others, including other women and the man of her interest.

And so there are numerous ways that men can remain mysterious and "dangerous" socially and psychologically in a way that arouses passions and curiosity, most notably any actions and behaviors that cause questions in the woman's mind: "What is he thinking? What is he doing? What does it mean?"

An example of research on this concept in initial attraction is HERE.

Hermes and the Mystery of the Single Man ➳

From how to be mysterious, we might segment into those who are single versus those who are married since we will eventually find that human courtship forms, not a straight line but a spiral back to the beginning of the sequence, even for those who have been married for years. Instruction for single men on how to be mysterious and attractive and instruction for women on how to read men for this ability and how it can be managed in their favor is of the essence.

Stories of the Greek deity Hermes show us tales of a trickster, an efficient, rapid communicator, and a god of humor and fun, all of which have been said to be delightful personality traits in single men in the view of single women. The man of humor and fun is charming and paternal, like her daddy, yet sexy and alluring in its mysteriousness, humor being about surprise and the unexpected.

Meanwhile, Hermes is a great communicator and trickster, a god of music. The fast-talking but playful gamester in his very essence is of deep mysteriousness, and in which the "fun" and humor, the light-heartedness of his talk, softens the danger and mysteriousness of the unknown, turning "danger arousal" to a safer, secure, "sexual arousal" instead.

Cupid and the Mysteries of the Married Man ➳

Likewise, the long-time committed couple will need to turn back to step 1 of courtship if their romance is to continue through life, and so they too must find out how it is that they will be mysterious as a man and physically healthy as a woman.

The story of Eros and Psyche covered in prior instruction helps to lay out the elements of this story and the mature maternal nature of Eros (Cupid's) mother, Aphrodite, as the goddess who tests the young mortal, Psyche, to see if she is qualified to be with her son, and is prepared for the maturity of both being of high character as a partner, and yet also still feminine. Instruction for married men on how to be more mysterious and attractive even in a commitment and instruction for women on how to read their partner for interpretation and management to her favor is of the essence in the stories of Eros or Cupid.

Aphrodite, Body  Language, and Attraction Signals➳

As a mature maternal judge of the young woman, Aphrodite leads us back to the woman's physicality and the signs and signals it gives the man in behavior, yet another way for him to detect that, "Yes, I've still got it."

He remains a curious, mysterious presence in her life by noting the "attraction signals" he may pick up on in her. Those which animal behaviorists in the wild may call "submission signals" (to mating) and which Dr. John Gottman, the prolific researcher of marriage, calls "bids" in the behavior of men and women - offers of closer intimacy and alignment which one may notice, and take up, responding, or miss the call, and the opportunity to stay intimate and aligned.

Here, we learn how women can use body language to augment and impact their beauty as an attractor of men and how men can interpret and participate in the mutual expansion of sexual tension.

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THE STEPS OF INTELLECTUAL ATTRACTION

▪ In this program, we will divide this process of committed partnership, of Intellectual Attraction, into three large “steps” that couples naturally navigate their way through. And in the end, they will find themselves sure, not just of their sexual attraction or the friendship bond they share, but their ability to solve life’s problems as a team and the reason that they conduct themselves as mature partners together, not just in mutual desire or happiness, but in mutual success:

▪ 7. Who I Am: Mature Character

▪ 8. Who We Are: Character Compatibility

▪ 9. Where We Are Going: Achieving Life’s Goals Together

The three brains all work together as a system once we get to the Intellectual attraction Phase (commitment or partnership)

▪ ATTACHMENT (reptilian)- Theorist John Bowlby studied primate infants as they develop attachments to caregivers and believed it to fit with our process of evolution because attachment behavior would help infants survive in environments where predators lurked. They may be exposed to the elements of nature. Attachment is likely such a strong and unconscious force in us as small children then - a “firmware” - because it essentially kept us alive.

▪ BONDING - (mammalian) (from Wikipedia...) - "Human bonding is the process of development of a close, interpersonal relationship. It most commonly occurs between family members or friends, but it can also develop among groups, such as sporting teams, and whenever people spend time together. Bonding is a mutual, interactive process and is different from simple liking. Bonding typically refers to the process of attachment that develops between romantic partners, close friends, or parents and children. This bond is characterized by emotions such as affection and trust. Any two people who spend time together may form a bond. Male bonding refers to the establishment of relationships between men through shared activities. The term female bonding refers to the formation of close personal relationships between women."

▪ Identification and Initiation

▪ Identification - also a kind of “flip side” of attachment, in that, rather than being about what we unconsciously look for in a mate who feels familiar and right for us, it is what we unconsciously advertise out toward potential mates that they find unique about us.

▪ It might feel familiar to them, right for them, and beneficial if they were to partner with us. It is a set of traits that we took on from our same-sex parents.

▪ Initiation - taking the established identity we acquired from our same-sex parent from the internal psychological world into the external social world after approval by a whole community.

▪ Only this time, the further solidification of gender identity and character identity is not established one-on-one with our same-sex parent, but instead, is supervised by all same-sex elders of our whole village, or community, or organization to which we seek to belong.

In times past, done by ritual and ceremony, with some remaining vestiges of these left today: joining the military, graduating school, professional certification, passing fraternity or sorority “hazing,” getting married, or getting one’s first job is some analogies to these rituals of the past. As in ancient times and rituals, we are often given a new name or title, new responsibility, new rewards and goals that serve the community, new tools or rights, and often in the past. We were “given a spouse” arranged by the community, composed of men and women.

The 4 commonalities and the 4 skills of partnership (higher brained)

THE FOUR COMMONALITIES (the 4 inherent or even immutable aspects of you that help with inherent compatibility):

* Intelligence

* Maturity

* Beliefs/Values

* Goals (purpose or mission)

THE FOUR “Cs” or FOUR SKILLS OF COMMITMENT: (which can be grown from scratch by you and your partner

▪ CURIOSITY - we have to pay enough attention in the first place about something if we are to maintain a curiosity about it. Curiosity needs not to be distracted but to pay close attention to the matter. Observing Ego stops us from losing our focus and interest, causing us not to overvalue minor advantages to a relationship or to devalue the little things that might make it the perfect relationship for us. OE + Boundaries

▪ COMMUNICATION - without intimacy (two people being present-minded simultaneously), communication falls flat or is inaccurate, distracted, and includes erroneous or irrelevant information, when Observing Ego is not employed. OE + Boundaries + Emotion + Data

▪ COMPROMISE - when we look to discover what it is we can live without so that there may be harmony and teamwork in our relationship, we have to pay attention enough to valuate what our proposition is. Without Observing Ego, we may be giving up some part of ourselves in service of the team, which we really couldn’t afford to give up, or demanding of our partner what they cannot give and what we shouldn’t even bother to ask. OE + Boundaries + Decisions

▪ COLLABORATION - When one pilot on an airline flight goes to sleep on a long voyage, the other pilot and autopilot take over. Still, they can’t maintain this arrangement for the whole flight (especially takeoff or landing.) Collaboration is also dynamic and shifting to and fro to accomplish goals, adjusting to obstacles and imperfections. It needs Observing Ego to be constantly aware of the changing circumstances and keep our eyes on our major goals. OE + Boundaries + Intellect (Left-brain and Right-brain)

▪ The Ego Defenses and Development, Evolution, and Personal Growth

▪ Primitive

▪ DENIAL - outright denying that reality exists, similar to lying to ourselves. Caused by the boundary having holes in it, where we deny the limits of what we own or control.

▪ CONVERSION - taking our unconscious struggles and channeling the conflict into bodily complaints and sensations.

▪ PROJECTION - taking something we don't like inside ourselves and putting it out there, into the world, then criticizing it.

▪ DISTORTION - seeing reality as very different from how it actually is, so as to fit our internal needs.

▪ SPLITTING - taking the good and bad that are equally in ourselves, and projecting both out into the world, so that everyone and everything out there is either all GOOD or all BAD. "Black and white thinking"

▪ Immature

▪ ACTING OUT - Direct expression in action of an unconscious wish, instinct or impulse without conscious awareness of the emotion underlying the behavior. It is literally letting the instincts run our behavior without filtering or intervention

▪ FANTASY - When people tend to retreat into fantasy to resolve their inner conflicts or outer stresses; this is also the way of teens who take to science fiction or romantic fantasy media keep themselves from being overwhelmed. If something dabbled in as a guilty pleasure, there is something to be said for the enriching of the creative mind; however, since the intellectual attraction phase of courtship is all about goal-setting in our committed relationships, living in fantasy will not do.

▪ Some men may complain more about this defense being present in women with whom they are involved, but males are likely catching up in its use as an obstacle in relationships.

▪ The lifestyle popular among more and more male teens in Asia - “ghosting”

▪ IDEALIZATION - This defense appears when we see another person as having more desirable qualities than he or she may actually have. We saw the basic boundary anatomy of this defense when we looked at the defense called “Projection.” Only in this case - Idealization - are we participating in a kind of “hero worship,” which we can occasionally indulge in.

▪ INTROJECTION - It occurs when we take on some idea or admire a person so deeply that they literally “become a part of us,” where our identity takes on some of their identity.  Unlike projection - which puts our imaginations and memories out onto the identity of other people, creating a mirage, falsifying them - introjection takes their true essence into ourselves. Whether the identity of the other person tends more toward good or more the evil is another matter. What is taken in is real and gives us a real, new identity.

▪ PASSIVE-AGGRESSION - Oh, you know this one well. So well. You have been it, done it, and experienced it countless times.  It is aggression towards others expressed indirectly or passively, often through procrastination or some other seemingly non-aggressive but destructive act.

▪ Neurotic

▪ DISPLACEMENT - Whenever you are in a relationship and are inexplicably getting blamed for something you didn’t do, this social habit is likely going on, especially if there is a “triangle” of relating. 

▪ DISSOCIATION - This social habit is more than just ‘zoning out” since it involves utterly losing touch with one’s sense of personhood for a time to separate the experience of trauma, attack, or anxiety on that personhood, a bit like getting up and leaving a room in which there is an argument going on, only the room is you.

▪ The habit also can be made when one separates or clamps down on emotion to the point where it is not felt for now so that one can deal physically or intellectually with matters at hand. It’s the “I don’t have time to cry” habit

▪ ISOLATION OF AFFECT - Like intellectualization, the social habit of isolation tamps down on the outer expression of emotion in favor of only focusing on ideas. It reminds us that we have an inner experience of communicating with ourselves. This separation need not be only seen in explanations of things or intellectual arguments but also simply in the inner experience of not feeling the emotions of a social situation, as if the emotions are stuffed into the unconscious alongside the instincts, under the “ego boundary,” and out of our awareness. 

▪ RATIONALIZATION - You might see this social habit as being somehow related to the much more primitive “denial,” in that it is an automatic, unconscious attempt to excuse oneself from culpability for a moral failing or mistake. Anyone who has ever been in a love relationship knows it well, both from doing it and being on the receiving end. It causes us to continue functioning without guilt and deal with the aftermath later. Unlike the more primitive denial, it does acknowledge that a negative social occurrence has happened. Still, it automatically shifts the question, “Why?” to somewhere else to not have to deal with emotions arising after a bad decision. Guilt has a very useful purpose in our growth of conscience, as we’ve seen, but it can also be overwhelming

▪ INTELLECTUALIZATION - Sometimes, when you are dating or considering a relationship with a smart person, it can make you pull your hair out. You want to understand them as a real person and feel their emotion, but no matter what you do, they always have a logical, intellectual way of explaining away how things feel, favoring instead how things work. Alternatively, you may find that they tend to get enraged by your intellectuality, always complaining to you that you don’t seem to understand them at all, which angers you too because you’re smart enough to understand what’s going on between you, of course.

▪ REACTION FORMATION - We have covered this one as an example, which involves automatically changing unconscious instincts or impulses that are consciously thought to be in violation of or unacceptable to our higher-brained moral codes (Freud’s Superego) into their opposites. This unconscious social habit is interesting as a tool for “reading” and decoding others. It has been said that “the unconscious only think in positives, not negatives.” This is one of the popular methods of detecting a lie in others - that when one negates something in conversation, the idea first had to exist as a positive. So, what the person was thinking at the unconscious level was the positive version. For example, if someone says to you, “It’s not that your looks are not my type. It’s just that I’m spoken for right now,” the person’s unconscious is thinking that it is your looks that they don’t prefer. It’s too uncomfortable to make that known.

▪ REPRESSION - We have discussed “beliefs” as a memory construct and how emotions tie to ideas to make a complete belief. This social habit might be said to be the opposite of intellectualization in a way since it is one where the emotion is allowed to remain present. Still, the idea or knowledge of a conflict is what is sent out of the conscious mind. 

▪ REGRESSION - This social habit is one of those which has become part of the popular lexicon, and while people generally know what it means, it is important to see its core element as one of going backward in one’s level of maturity in response to threatening stress or emotion. This means that the person has reached a certain level of development in their life, but how they behave now is a response to some emotional trouble they are going through. 

▪ UNDOING - It is helpful to remember that in some way, defense mechanisms always pertain to the functioning of a personal boundary - either the outer one which connects us to the social world around us or the inner ego boundary which separates our unconscious instincts from our conscious mind and emotions. If we remember the visual depiction of a boundary, then we can always bypass the technical terms in which so much sounds alike. Defense mechanisms, as “mechanisms,” are always about the function of one or the other boundary and its status of holes, walls, or doors. Further, when the defense is more immature and unconscious, it pertains more to the ego boundary function, and when more mature and conscious, more of the personal boundary comes into play.

▪ WITHDRAWAL - Sometimes, a social habit can be more than primitive, more than immature, and yet, still severe or indicative of suffering. Withdrawal is like this and is often seen in traumatized individuals. It is similar to the phenomenon we had discussed previously, called “ghosting,” where males were removing themselves from society due to the pain they perceive there. It might be said to be similar in unconscious strategy to fantasy or wishful thinking.

▪ Mature

▪ ACCEPTANCE - Many of us have heard of the “5 stages of grief”: the process where denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance help us get over a major loss, such as that of a person from our lives. The final resting point where stability is regained is considered to be acceptable, a condition of equanimity and peace

▪ ALTRUISM - Evolutionary Psychologists point us toward the concept of kinship and reciprocal altruism among animals, and especially mammals, where we find an evolutionary advantage in occasionally sharing our resources with other members of the species, especially coming from a point of excess resources In the success of a couple, you might see this social habit - more conscious and intentional than the neurotic, immature, or pathological defenses - as the science-based core of any advice on “investing and withdrawing on a romantic bank account.” 

▪ ANTICIPATION - In terms of boundaries, you might see it as an extension of the knowledge of what we currently control and don’t control about life. This gives rise to the concept of even having future goals in the first place. Through goals, what we do not control now, we may in the future.

▪ COURAGE - as described in the Anxiety Map

▪ ASSERTIVENESS - as described in the Anger Map

▪ GRATITUDE - We tend to focus on this virtue only when in desperate need, but those of high character have learned to make it an automatic habit. There is a very good reason for this; if you think about the relationship between two people, where one takes more of a parental, unconditional love stance on providing confidence to the other, and the other takes more of a student role, the recipient of sustenance from their partner.

▪ EMOTIONAL SELF-SUFFICIENCY - This virtue of character and mature defense mechanism has, as its basis, not being dependent on the validation or approval of others. As such, you might consider it “self-love” or “self-respect.”

▪ This virtue or the mature defense takes all the shared teamwork aspects of the teamwork between a high-character couple and turns it on its ear - looking at the privacy and rejuvenation that is necessary for balance

▪ EMOTIONAL SELF-REGULATION - This defense shouldn’t be called a defense. It’s a strength; it’s common sense and a virtue.  If there is any reflection of the direct connection between the defenses and one’s personal boundary function, this one is the best of the best, as an example.

▪ FORGIVENESS - One of the hardest virtues of all to practice when one has been hurt by divorce or emotionally abused, insulted, or offended by one so close to them. This semi-conscious tendency to see that harboring revenge is a win/lose proposition and that there comes a time to let go of resentment, indignation or anger is the only way to thrive in the real world of mistakes that people make, including ourselves.

▪ HUMILITY - While nobody is perfect and has a flawless record in their relationships, it is all the more important to imagine being with a partner with a humble rather than aggrandized self-opinion. If it is success at our goals that we seek, but we find ourselves with a partner (or being the partner) who has an expanded sense of self, that will prove more costly to us both to maintain and feed with the limited resources we have.

▪ HUMOR - It was said that the German Philosopher and writer, Goethe, had three rules to follow in throwing a dinner party, something he loved to do often in his intellectual salons that he would put on.

▪ The first was the necessity of joining together based on the events that had happened to the individuals invited that day.

▪ The second is the need to unite his guests over current events or the larger philosophical issues affecting us all.

▪ Since these salon discussions were often serious and weighty, Goethe insisted on events ending only with humor so that one would wish to come again, and often.

▪ IDENTIFICATION - On the surface, you might think the unconscious modeling of one's own identity on another person's character and behavior to be more on the immature side and based in too much of what the Self Psychologists have called “false self.” However, when done in small amounts, for example, in having heroes even into mature adult life, or in a deep bonding of the shared identity between two mature partners at that “mandorla” intersection of their boundaries, you might also see how identification can also be a natural, mature, higher level feature of being human.

▪ MINDFULNESS - basically, Observing Ego

▪ MODERATION - the Aristotelian Golden Mean - Virtue

▪ MERCY - You have certainly heard the phrase that “Absolute power corrupts, absolutely.” Well, only for those with character weaknesses and incipient lack of mercy for others. This may draw from the concept that no human being is entirely free of narcissism, the tendency to be selfish, and self-centered, to lack empathy for others, to cross the boundaries of others, and to occasionally win/lose in our social transactions with others.

▪ PATIENCE - We have said that patience may be a feature of the “inner boundary” we have been learning about - the “Ego Boundary,” as I have called it - that which blocks or allows material from the unconscious instincts and drives to enter the conscious mind (whether or not having done that, your “outer boundary,” the Personal Boundary allows the impulse to be publicly expressed is a second matter. This patience that blocks the impulsiveness of the instincts is widely recognized as an essential of adult life, is a major feature behind analyzing violations of the rights of others, and the law, of one’s culpability for doing wrong depending on age-appropriateness, and is also a part of what the Positive Psychologists such as Dan Goleman call, “emotional intelligence.”

▪ RESPECT - good boundaries.

▪ SUBLIMATION - what is constructive and win/win converts the bad emotion to good, only in this case, it converts drives and instincts from destructive to constructive.

▪ SUPPRESSION - Suppression gives us the conscious decision to delay dealing with our emotions or destructive things in our lives so that we may deal with the present things we need to get done to survive, maintain stability, and rework our strategy at life’s goals as a successful couple. It is reminiscent of the 1990s action films where the main character often said, “I ain’t got time to bleed.”

▪ TOLERANCE - Tolerance is simple - allowing that of which one disapproves, which is the ultimate in respect for what boundaries even are - that we don’t own or control the opinions or perspectives of others.

▪ Virtues and Vices of the Mother

▪ To the son of a mother, she will represent his very first and most profound and "imprinted" blueprint of a "female whom one loves." Because this is "imprinted" through attachment and bonding, it will be unconscious and the benchmark against which he is inexorably drawn to a mate.

▪ To the daughter of a mother, she will represent her deep sense of self and belonging and, through identification, will become the unconscious benchmark of "what it is to be me, as a woman." Which will, in turn, guide what she radiates toward men.

▪ All people have virtues and vices, and so both will be made into what a boy seeks unconsciously in a woman, what he is unconsciously drawn to and desires, and what a girl will unconsciously find herself becoming.

▪ Familiarity is the principle, as we will be familiar with both virtues and vices, and our task is to shed the vices from the imprinted aspects of our mother in what we seek to become or who we seek to love, all while enjoying the virtues that we do find in ourselves and others.

▪ See how your story as a person is told in the context of your MOTHER'S FAMILY LINE.

▪ Virtues and Vices of the Father

▪ To the daughter of a father, he will represent her very first and most profound and "imprinted" blueprint of a "male whom one loves." Because this is "imprinted" through attachment and bonding, it will be unconscious and the benchmark against which she is inexorably drawn to a mate.

▪ To the son of a father, he will represent his deep sense of self and destined achievement, and through identification, will become the unconscious benchmark of "what it is to be me, as a man." Which will, in turn, guide what he radiates toward women.

▪ All people have virtues and vices, and so both will be made into what a girl seeks unconsciously in a man, what she is unconsciously drawn to and desires, and what a boy will unconsciously find himself becoming.

▪ Familiarity is the principle, as we will be familiar with both virtues and vices, and our task is to shed the vices from the imprinted aspects of our father in what we seek to become or who we seek to love, all while enjoying the virtues that we do find in ourselves and others.

▪ HOW IS YOUR STORY TOLD IN THE CONTEXT OF YOUR FATHER'S FAMILY LINE.

▪ Perpetual Growth and Compatible Character

▪ We have learned about the step-by-step process so far, where men and women find each other desirable in Phase I - sexual attraction - followed by the emotional connection of Phase II - emotional attraction.

▪ However, this process of general personal growth is largely performed in the years leading up to the relationship (or what you do with your learning after the relationship is over).

▪ Perhaps you will meet your best partner because of the personal growth you have already done yourself.

▪ However, if you are like most people, there will be far more growth for you to do alongside a person as you go through life.

▪ The way you will do this will depend on you both being curious and collaborative people, or you will be destined to the age-old "We grew apart."

▪ Unlike sexual attraction and personality compatibility, there is also the concept of "character compatibility" to contend with, which will have to do with the following:

▪ Your mutual, individual, and shared life stories.

▪ How much the virtues and vices in the woman remind the man of his mother, to whom he is attached and bonded, and which are similar in the virtues and vices of the woman's mother, with whom she identified.

▪ How much the virtues and vices in the man's father (with whom he identifies) are also present in the man and cause the woman to be reminded of her own father, to whom she was attached and bonded.

▪ If you have wondered how you could find a great match, your opposite in personality, but still not have things work out for the long term, the lack of a Compatible Character (and joint life's story) is why.

▪ If you have wondered how some people with imperfectly matched personalities - for example, a King and Warrior or a Lover and Magician - could still work out in the long term, this is why: the presence of Character Compatibility.

▪ THE STORY OF YOUR LIFE IS ALSO THE STORY OF YOUR CHARACTER GROWTH, AND NOW WE NEED TO PREPARE TO JOIN OUR STORY TO THAT OF ANOTHER PERSON.

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THE STEPS OF INTELLECTUAL ATTRACTION

▪ In this program, we will divide this process of committed partnership, of Intellectual Attraction, into three large “steps” that couples naturally navigate their way through. And in the end, they will find themselves sure, not just of their sexual attraction or the friendship bond they share, but their ability to solve life’s problems as a team and the reason that they conduct themselves as mature partners together, not just in mutual desire or happiness, but in mutual success:

▪ 7. Who I Am: Mature Character

▪ 8. Who We Are: Character Compatibility

▪ 9. Where We Are Going: Achieving Life’s Goals Together

THE THREE PSYCHOLOGICAL WORKING PARTS OF

MATURE CHARACTER

* Observing Ego

* Personal Boundaries

* Constructive Decisions

▪ Have you ever felt that the person you’re with did not respect you? 

▪ Have you ever felt like the person you’re with was wasting your time, energy, money, or attention? 

▪ Have you ever felt as if the one you were with had a tendency to be overly agreeable to everything you suggest

▪ Have you ever had something about your relationship that troubled you yet was ill-defined

▪ Thinking About Commitment

▪ How will I find someone with whom I am satisfied and happy?

▪ Why do I keep finding myself with people who don’t work out or are bad for me in many ways?

▪ Why do I not seem to be that attracted to “nice” people or people who are good for me?

▪ And how can I stop choosing the “wrong people” repeatedly?

▪ We get “imprinted” upon by both parents, which is to say that we take in all their traits, both good and bad, in a process of “identification” with our same-sex parent and “attachment” to our opposite-sex parent. In return, both parents “bond” with us.

▪ At other times of life, we might pick and choose what to make our own about someone we encounter, but not in this case, at this time. The parents' traits are “seared” onto our basic social circuitry.

▪ It is indeed a kind of “learning,” but not some consciously learned behavior, as one learns to fit into the role of a restaurant waiter, an airplane pilot, or even a swimmer or marathon runner. It is beyond just unconscious learning as one takes on a good habit, bad habit, sport, or sociological role. Instead, like “imprinting,”

▪ it is literally becoming something different at the identity level. Unlike “social roles” or the oft-cited “gender roles,” it is as impossible to “unlearn” as it is to “unlearn” being male and masculine or female and feminine.

▪ This is how one may know that imprinting is real and impervious to “sociology,” with its fads, policies, and swaying of opinion. Opinions are just higher-brained beliefs, while imprinting is at the reptilian, bodily level, the identity level, and it is permanent.

▪ We “attach” to the opposite sex parent, which is to say that we depend on them, or someone just like them, for our sense of feeling well in the world. We “desire” them, and people just like them.

▪ We “identify” with the same-sex parent, which is similar to having “programmed” into ourselves that to obtain the benefits of the opposite-sex parent, we need to behave like, or “be” the same-sex parent.

▪ The parents “bond” with us in return, in the way they feel toward us. All three are forms of “imprinting.”

▪ Being a Whole Person

▪ The "legal definition of a person" is an "entity with rights and cognitive, emotional and volitional capacity." This means that a person has "boundaries"(rights) and intellectual, emotional, and decision-making functions.

▪ To be a complete person, we need to work on the mature psychology of these working parts of psychology:

▪ Personal Boundaries (with rights, ownership, duties, and responsibilities)

▪ Cognitive Style (right-brained vs. left-brained), which fill up on Education and Experience, with genius in the middle

▪ Emotional Style (maternal vs. paternal based), which is composed of either a dominance of Well-being or else of Confidence, composing a "whole Self-esteem" in the form of happiness.

▪ Decision-making style - composed of equal amounts of the facility at ethics (conscience) and intuition (shrewdness)

▪ These are the core skills out of which we may build and analyze any other feature of our psychology. Generally, these are all functioning at their best when THEY ARE IN BALANCE.

▪ THE MIDPOINT OF THE SPECTRUM OF ANY OF OUR FUNCTIONS IS ARISTOTLE'S "GOLDEN MEAN" - which is the place of highest character or VIRTUE.

▪ Assemble all those, and see the narrative story that develops, and you in the story of one's life, you see "the whole person."

▪ This is why Freud, quoting philosopher, Epictetus, says, "Character is Destiny."

▪ The Importance of Boundaries

▪ Mature, desirable, high-character partners do not commit to or attract mates who are “overwhelmed” or have weak personal boundaries.

▪ They don’t choose those who lack preferences in life or identity they stand up for.

▪ They don’t choose partners who are out of control of their own emotions or are unpredictable when they need to be relied on.

▪ They don’t commit to or attract potential mates who would choose “being right” over “being happy.”

▪ They don’t choose partners who choose their own happiness only over the mutual pursuit of happiness that is had as a couple.

▪ The personal boundary is an invisible marker of your personal space and your identity.

▪ It is a barrier against stress and an invisible psychological circle around you that marks what you control about life from what you don’t.

▪ The personal boundary is the center of what we call “strength.”

▪ It functions exactly like the border of your private country, blocking the wrong mate for you at the Passport Office and permitting the right mate to tour your world.

▪ When undeveloped or damaged, the personal boundary is the very cause of all codependence in the world, nearly all the abuse in the world, most miscommunication in the world, perfectionism, rudeness, prejudice, judgmentalism, ignorance, subjugation, imprisonment, joyless achievement, loneliness, and desperation.

▪ When traumatized, cold, arrogant, isolative, or scared, it is the very cause of all self-protective loneliness and starvation for love in the world.

▪ The damaged boundary blocks new ideas from entering the world.  The damaged boundary is the jail cell of boundaries – nothing gets in or out. There is no cultural exchange between two individuals and no chance of collaboration.

▪ Attachment, Bonding, Identification, and Initiation

▪ Thus, we are most romantically successful by holding onto our same-sex parents’ best virtues and minimal vices of theirs.

▪ Attachment - from infant to parent or lover to lover

▪ Bonding - from parent to infant or lover to lover

▪ Identification - learning to be like the same-sex parent

▪ Initiation - instruction and formal invitation to the world of adults

▪ The Importance of Observing Ego

▪ Spend meditative time with a present-moment mindset.  This gives you access.

▪ Use your five senses. They give you data on what is happening in and around you right now, and in a way that “just thinking” can’t grant you new information. (If you hear a loud noise in the next room, check out what’s causing it!)

▪ Take action. This “getting into your body” makes the present moment very real and lets you test the environment for what’s really happening, testing yourself for what you’re really capable of. (There needs to come to an end to mental practice eventually and a time for action on our lives and loves.)

▪ Make a decision. Even if you don’t take action, decisions lead to action eventually and give immediacy to the present moment. We use the present and the real circumstances around us to make decisions, and our decisions are often impacted by input from both of the other areas of the mind: the emotions of the mammalian brain and the instincts of the reptilian brain (essentially tend to take over our decisions with impulsive, thoughtless action.)

▪ However, when you have Observing Ego, you can turn your mammalian emotions and reptilian instincts into your friends who help you make decisions rather than letting them take over entirely. You “observe” these other areas of the mind, what they want, and can then, like a good parent, make the most mature, responsible, wise decision, which also may satisfy these “other brains” to some degree.

▪ Be intimate, which means eliminating distractions to connect with your loved one. Two of the most profound, multisensory ways of finding intimacy with another person are to a. ) share a meal and b.) have sex. When we make intimate acts, our conversation or physical contact can feel “timeless” because we are in the present moment, where we truly observe and pay attention to our love with Observing Ego.

▪ Go to a truly great film. You will see a potential version of yourself on the screen and receive a priceless gift: the ability to see what would happen in the future if you made certain decisions in certain circumstances.

▪ The "Currencies" of Intellectual Attraction

▪ Time - The currency of the intellect, whether Educational or Experiential

▪ Freedom - The currency of decision-making, whether ethics vs intuition

▪ Strength - The currency of personal boundaries

▪ Happiness - The currency of the emotions

▪ The Exchange: SUCCESS

▪ The Intellect

▪ Left-brained Education

▪ Right-brained Experience

▪ The Cost: Time

▪ The Reward: Success

▪ Decisions, Habits, and Momentum

▪ Ethics (win/win) - the "Golden Rule"

▪ Intuition (Shrewdness) - (Win/Lose) the "Iron Rule"

▪ Wisdom - the perfect balance

▪ Emotionally, the best decisions are both ethical and effective

▪ Intellectually, the best decisions are both educational and experiential

▪ "Volitionally"” the best decisions have equal amounts of intuition and shrewdness (wisdom), as measured not just in results, but according to the Game Theorists, in win/win results (constructive)

▪ This brings us to the "legal definition of a person" - which is "an entity with rights, and cognitive, emotional and volitional capacity."

▪ This is similar to saying that a "person" who has a "complete psyche" would have boundaries (rights), and cognitive (intellectual), emotional, and volitional (decision-making) features to their psychology.

▪ So we are covering "the whole you" as a "person" here, in step 7 of courtship: Who I Am.

▪ Boundaries

▪ The Definition of a Boundary and its Properties

▪ Like the border of a country

▪ Like a shield - of Ares, Perseus, Athena, Artemis, or Apollo

▪ Marks what we control from don't control

▪ Marks what we own from don't own

▪ Marks what we have responsibility from don't have responsibility over

▪ Works like a TANK of our resources

▪ Works like a budgeter or filter

▪ Works by your comfort with the word NO - also about control

▪ May drain you - SUFFERING

▪ Big part of narcissism

▪ Big part of codependence

▪ "Holes" in the Boundary - lies, trauma, weakness, and pathological narcissism

▪ Weak - can't say no or hear no with grace

▪ the real cause of all SUFFERING in the world

▪ cause of and the result of trauma

▪ Can be more pushy, intrusive, or more passive and victimy

▪ Cause of addiction along with anxiety

▪ narcissistic, immature, all about me

▪ and so are about win/lose destructiveness

▪ weak, low character, allowing the primitive instinctual animalistic to run things

▪ "Walls" in the Boundary - brittle protection, but isolation and starvation

▪ Protective but lonely and starving stress and trauma

▪ Another response to stress and trauma - scar tissue

▪ Brittle - may break again

▪ Isolative

▪ Independent, not very intimate

▪ "Doors" in the Boundary - strength, respect, efficiency, durability

▪ midpoint function between holes and walls

▪ Flexible and dynamic

▪ Allows filtering adaptation, budgeting, and balance of overflow

▪ Addiction

▪ holes in boundaries plus anxiety

▪ quick fix for things we can't control

▪ external locus of control rather than internal

▪ The Crucial Role of Boundaries in Maturity and Partnership

▪ The "Relationship" and shared psychological space

▪ The Mandorla shape and Phi

▪ Interdependendence and balance

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