And I'm an Addict

What if the cravings were never a character flaw — just a misfiring survival signal? After three decades and twelve rehab attempts, a neuroscientist drew me a diagram that changed everything. This episode covers the real brain science of opioid addiction, why withdrawal feels like dying, what Sublocade did that nothing else could, and the village of people who refused to give up on me when I had given up on myself.

Fentanyl is 100 times more potent than morphine. Xylazine — tranq dope — rots flesh and defeats Narcan. Nitazenes are up to 40 times stronger than fentanyl and barely detectable on existing test strips. The street drug supply in 2025 is not the supply you think you know. 

In this episode of The Loudness McEvil Symposium, host Jason MacLeod — a 30-year opioid addict, former fentanyl user, and now 2+ years sober — breaks down exactly what is in the current North American drug supply, how it got there, and why people are dying who aren't using any more than they always did. 

This is not an outside perspective. In 2017, heroin disappeared from the supply and got replaced by fentanyl — without warning, without consent, overnight. People he knew died in that transition. This episode is the story of what happened, what's come since, and what's coming next. 

Covered in this episode: 

→ The history of illicit fentanyl and how it replaced heroin in the supply chain 

→ Counterfeit M30 pills and the hot spot problem killing people who think they know their dose 

→ Carfentanil — 10,000 times stronger than morphine, already in the streets 

→ Xylazine (tranq dope): the veterinary sedative causing flesh-rotting wounds that Narcan cannot reverse 

→ Nitazenes: the next wave of synthetic opioids, already detected across North America 

→ Why overdose deaths are rising not because people are using more, but because the supply is incomparably more dangerous 

→ What this means for harm reduction, naloxone, and fentanyl test strips 

This is Part 3 of the Loudness McEvil Symposium Opioid Series. Part 1 covers the 5,000-year history of opioids. Part 2 covers the crimes of Purdue Pharma, the Sackler family, and McKinsey. Part 4 covers what actually works in recovery. 

If you are in active addiction or love someone who is: please carry naloxone. Please use fentanyl test strips. Please do not use alone. 

Naloxone/Narcan access: findtreatment.gov | SAMHSA helpline: 1-800-662-4357 

The Loudness McEvil Symposium is a documentary-style podcast about addiction, recovery, survival, and the systems that shape both. Raw, researched, and told from inside the experience. 

Keywords: fentanyl, opioid epidemic, xylazine, tranq dope, nitazenes, carfentanil, drug overdose, opioid crisis, harm reduction, naloxone, Narcan, addiction recovery, street drugs, synthetic opioids, opioid addiction, drug supply, fentanyl test strips, opioid overdose, recovery podcast 

This isn't a story about corporate greed in the abstract. It's a documented, prosecuted, guilty-pleaded crime — committed by specific people with names, who knew exactly what they were doing.In part 2 of Loudness's opioid series, we get into OxyContin: how Purdue Pharma and the Sackler family built a machine to create as many opioid-dependent people as possible, as fast as possible. The fake "less than 1% addiction" statistic. The 5,000 doctors sent on resort vacations. McKinsey's proposal to pay distributors a rebate for every overdose. The $11 billion quietly moved offshore before the bankruptcy filing.And then: how the prescription epidemic became the heroin epidemic, which became the fentanyl epidemic — a direct causal chain that is still killing people today.Loudness survived it. Hundreds of thousands didn't.Part 3 coming soon: what the street epidemic actually looked like from the inside.The Loudness McEvil Symposium — addiction, homelessness, recovery, and the truth about who actually created this crisis.

REFERENCES:

Books

• Patrick Radden Keefe, Empire of Pain: The Secret History of the Sackler Dynasty (2021) — the essential book on this topic; sourced for the Sackler family history, the blizzard of prescriptions quote, and the milking program details
• Beth Macy, Dopesick: Dealers, Doctors, and the Drug Company that Addicted America (2018) — on the ground-level impact, particularly in Appalachia; adapted into the Hulu series

Court Documents & Legal Sources

• Massachusetts Attorney General's complaint against Purdue Pharma and the Sackler family (2019) — available at mass.gov/ago — source for the MGH funding details, the internal memos, and the "reckless criminals / scum of the earth" Richard Sackler email
• US Department of Justice — Purdue Pharma plea agreement (2020) — justice.gov — source for the admitted fraud and $8.3 billion settlement
• US Bankruptcy Court — Purdue Pharma Chapter 11 proceedings (2019–2021) — pacer.gov
• US Supreme Court — Harrington v. Purdue Pharma (2024) — ruling on the Sackler immunity shield — supremecourt.gov

McKinsey

• ProPublica — "McKinsey Proposed Paying Pharmacy Companies Rebates for OxyContin Overdoses" — propublica.org, November 2020 — the primary source for the per-overdose rebate proposal
• New York Times — "McKinsey Settles for $573 Million Over Role in Opioid Crisis" — nytimes.com, February 2021

The Distributors

• House Energy and Commerce Committee — "Red Flags and Warning Signs Ignored: Opioid Distribution and Enforcement Failures" (2020) — available at energycommerce.house.gov — source for the West Virginia pharmacy statistics
• Washington Post / 60 Minutes joint investigation — "The Drug Industry's Triumph Over the DEA" — washingtonpost.com, October 2017 — on the DEA revolving door
• State AG settlements — National Association of Attorneys General tracking page — naag.org

Russell Portenoy

• Wall Street Journal — "A Doctor's Change of Heart on Painkiller Risks" — wsj.com, December 2012 — Portenoy's public recantation
• ProPublica — "Doctors Who Get Paid by Drug Companies Prescribe More Brand-Name Drugs" — propublica.org (Dollars for Docs database)

The Sackler Names Coming Down

• New Yorker — "The Family That Built an Empire of Pain" — newyorker.com, October 2017 (Patrick Radden Keefe's original article before the book)
• ArtNet News — tracking coverage of museum name removals, 2019–2022 — news.artnet.com

Before OxyContin. Before the Sacklers. Before fentanyl hit the streets — humans were already hopelessly tangled up with the opium poppy.

In this episode, Loudness traces opioids from their origins in 3400 BCE Mesopotamia — where the Sumerians called it "the joy plant" — through laudanum, morphine, soldier's disease, Bayer's heroin-for-children campaign, and the slow-release revolution that set the stage for the worst pharmaceutical disaster in American history.

This isn't just history. It's the story of why 30 years of Loudness's life went the way it did — and why yours, or someone you love, might be going the same way right now.

Part 1 of 3. Next episode: the crimes of Purdue Pharma, the Sackler family, McKinsey & Company, and everyone who looked the other way.

The Loudness McEvil Symposium — addiction, homelessness, recovery, and the occasional unfiltered opinion on how the world actually works.

Two years ago, I used opioids for the last time. Before that: 30 years of heroin, cocaine, fentanyl, and meth. 12 years of homelessness. And a birthday cake made of Smarties that finally meant something.
In Episode 2 of The Loudness McEvil Symposium, I compare Then vs. Now — sleeping in parking garages vs. having opinions about flooring, dumpster dining vs. six-dollar canned tomatoes, stealing cars vs. talking to people who own McLarens.
This isn't a brag. It's proof that the distance between those two lives is walkable — even when you're inside the one that feels impossible.
Topics: addiction recovery, sobriety milestones, homelessness, mental health, 12-step, SMART Recovery, fentanyl, opioid crisis, harm reduction.
If you're struggling, or love someone who is — this one's for you.

What if the real battle in addiction recovery isn't giving up the substance — it's giving up the self that needed it? In this episode, we go deep on the ego: what it actually is, how it fuels addiction, and why Step Six of the Twelve Steps may be the most quietly radical thing a person can be asked to do.
We explore how our deepest character defects — pride, dishonesty, anger, people-pleasing — aren't just flaws. They're survival strategies. And Step Six asks us to become willing to release them.
Whether you're in recovery, supporting someone who is, or simply curious about the psychology of change, this episode offers an honest, compassionate look at what it really means to let go.
Topics covered: the ego and addiction, character defects in the 12 steps, what "entirely ready" really means, ego death and spiritual transformation, how Step Six changes relationships and behavior.

KEYWORD TAGS

addiction recovery step six twelve steps ego and addiction character defects recovery podcast sobriety spiritual recovery 12 step program self-awareness recovery journey mental health higher power ego death willingness

In My 22 Month Addiction recovery Journey, I’ve noticed lots of things I find it hard to understand. In this episode I stream of conscience my thoughts on one of the hardest.

Alcohol is the only drug you have to explain quitting.

In this episode, I’m not telling anyone what to drink, how to live, or what choices to make. I’m trying to understand something that’s confused me for a long time — why alcohol is embraced, protected, and normalized despite being one of the most harmful substances humans consume.

From holidays and social pressure, to celebrity doctors claiming alcohol is “good for you,” to the way society excuses drunk violence while condemning mental illness, this is a messy, honest, unscripted attempt to make sense of a culture that treats some addictions as acceptable and others as moral failure.

Coming from lived experience, homelessness, addiction, and 22 months of sobriety, this isn’t a lecture or a call to arms. It’s a reflection.

No judgment. No preaching.

Just noticing.

Step Five in addiction recovery asks us to confront the uncomfortable truth about ourselves—out loud, to another person. It’s about revealing the raw, unpolished reality behind our addict stories, breaking the cycles of shame, secrecy, and self-deception that hold us back. In this episode, we explore why this step is a critical turning point on the recovery journey, offering insights into sober living and psychological healing. Whether you’re navigating your own addiction journey, supporting someone in recovery, or seeking understanding of the human need for honesty, this conversation sheds light on the power of truth as a path to freedom and connection. Join us for a candid exploration of recovery, addiction support, and the transformative power of being truly known.

Recovery is truly a group project, and this episode dives into the crucial role loved ones play in addiction support and relapse prevention. If you care about someone in recovery, prepare for some uncomfortable but honest truths. Jason explains why relapse doesn’t begin with drugs or alcohol but with isolation, control, and silence, and how well-meaning support can sometimes unintentionally feed addiction. Discover early relapse warning signs, why control can backfire, the danger of fake forgiveness, and why joy and laughter are vital for sustained recovery. This episode offers real talk on maintaining honesty, setting healthy boundaries, and building a livable, sober life. Join us for an insightful discussion that challenges myths about drug addiction and highlights effective strategies for addiction recovery.

In this deeply personal episode, Jason invites listeners into his sobriety journey as he sits down with his partner, Wendy, for an honest and heartfelt conversation about connection, isolation, and the realities of addiction recovery. Together, they unpack why isolation can feel safer during early recovery and how genuine connection supports maintaining long-term sobriety.

They delve into the razor-thin line between socializing and relapse, what partners often misunderstand about addiction support, and the complex emotions—fear, shame, and mental chaos—that drive addiction. Wendy shares her experience supporting Jason through relapses and healing, offering valuable insights for families and partners navigating the challenges of recovery together.

This episode is raw, messy, and vulnerable, delivering powerful survival stories and shedding light on rebuilding trust, setting boundaries, and the emotional reality of recovery. If you or someone you love is walking the path of addiction recovery, this candid conversation offers hope and understanding that truly matters.