Chapters 

00:00 The Last Big Argument — and What Happened After 

00:48 Why We Hate Conflict But Explode When We Do Fight 

01:29 Passive Aggression and Withdrawal — The Cycle We Were In 

02:41 Calling It Out — How We've Changed 

03:36 A Psychological Awakening in Our 40s 

05:15 How Do We Behave After a Fight? 

06:37 When I've Done Something Wrong vs When I've Been Wronged 

08:16 Avoidant vs Anxious — What We Are 

09:24 The WhatsApp Blue Tick Torture 

12:18 Your Nervous System Is on Fire 

13:27 Would You Prefer WhatsApp Essays? 

15:32 How Did We Get Here? The Origins of Attachment Styles 

15:57 Mary Ainsworth's Famous Infant Study 

17:01 What I Learned About Myself as a Child 

18:07 Did Our Parents Shape Our Attachment Styles? 

20:13 Anxious Attachment — Shahbaz's Story 

22:30 Moving to Pakistan and the Fear of Abandonment 

23:04 Important Nuance — Attachment Styles Are Adaptations Not Flaws 

25:33 How Positive Relationships Help You Heal 

26:11 Is It Like Neuroplasticity? 

27:00 The Gap Between Insight and Change Is Very Wide 

28:05 Can You Actually Change Your Default State? 

29:57 What Doing the Work Really Looks Like 

31:19 Why We Can't Sit With Our Own Thoughts Anymore 

34:46 The Nuances — Why Attachment Theory Isn't One Size Fits All 

35:28 It Takes a Village — Collective Caregiving in Our Culture 

38:19 How the Nuclear Family Puts Too Much Pressure on Parents 

42:19 The Prophet ﷺ Had Three Caregivers — And Was the Most Secure Person in History 

43:48 Why I'm Anxious in Marriage But Secure as a Parent 

44:29 Attachment Styles Are Context Dependent 

48:18 The Suitcase We All Bring Into Marriage 

50:42 You Don't Know How Your Partner Will Handle Loss Until You're There 

52:08 The Man in Front of Me at 42 Is Not the Man I Married 

54:42 Why We Both Went to Therapy 

55:28 What Therapy Actually Did — It Wasn't About Our Problems 

57:02 Healing Is the Coherent Story You Tell About Yourself 

01:00:07 Self-Compassion on the Journey 

01:01:01 The Truth Is Sexy — Gabor Maté's Wife Was Right 

01:02:13 The Postmortem — How We Debrief After Arguments 

01:03:01 Don't Personalise Everything 

01:03:31 You Can Only Control Yourself

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Key Quotes "These were just behavioural adaptations. It served me then. But it doesn't serve me now. Yet I'm still doing the same thing."

 "The gap between insight and change is very wide. Just because we know doesn't mean tomorrow we won't repeat the same predictable behaviours." 

"I am more internal now and less reactionary. And I think that's the healthiest thing I've done for myself and for us." ――――――――――――――――――――― 

About the Speakers 

Shahbaz Khan is a corporate lawyer, a husband and a proud father of three. He has spent almost two decades advising large corporations and worked on key strategic, high-stakes transactions in the Middle East region. He is an advocate for emotional and mental wellbeing as well as positive, impactful leadership in the workplace, grounded on values of compassion, humility and emotional intelligence. He is a mentor and thrives on connecting with people and helping them with their personal development and growth. 

🔗 Follow Shahbaz Khan on his LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/shahbaz-jamil-khan-9298331a/ 

Alveena is a psychology MSc student, writer, and seeker exploring the intersection of mental health, psychology, and Islamic spirituality. Her work blends academic insight with lived experience to explore identity, belonging, and healing. Through her writing and podcast, she shares personal reflections that bridge science and spirituality, encouraging honest self-inquiry and wholehearted living. She invites listeners to slow down, reflect, and reconnect with who they truly are. 

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LINKS & RESOURCES 

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/alveena-salim/ 

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/withalveena/

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