Bob joins in some fancy water games, while Miles takes his old dog out on a birthday adventure.

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Little. You got little. Yeah, you got little. There we go. You got little, but now you’re big. I got little. Now I’m big. That could be a song. Got little. You’re little. Little big. I call him little big because he’s little and he’s big. Oh, yeah. He’s little and he’s big. Yes. I had to. Hey, this is Miles, and you took me by surprise. I didn’t realize that you were laughing, laughing, laughing. You just love that song, don’t you? No, I started following the singer’s daughter on TikTok. Yeah, I would gather there’s a lot of daughters you’re singers you’re following? Uh, Lorelei, Lorelei, Lorelei Bachman. I told her that I would sing her daddy. What’s that? I told her that I’d sing her daddy’s song on the podcast. Oh yeah. And she goes cha-ching. Yeah. Like where’s the money, dude? No. You know, like a buck and a quarter. So I did. So promise kept. Okay.
Promise kept. If you call it that, sure. Promise kept. How many other famous daughter, singers’ daughters are you following? Oh, God damn it. What was that guy? It was a one-hit wonder. Norman Greenbaum. No, no, no. I won’t think of it. I will not think of it, but like He always mentions it. Like, hey, just so everyone knows who my dad is. Just so everyone knows that he had that one song. He had the one song. I don’t remember what the fuck. What era was it? I was in the 80s. Madero’s? Glenn Madero’s or something. Glenn Madero’s? Yeah. No, I don’t know. Someone like that. I don’t know. It was like daughters all like, hey, look at Living La Vida Loca? Yeah. Ricky Martin? Yeah, it was Ricky Martin, yeah. Okay. Well, now that we’ve solved that riddle. Riddle me this, Bob Lament. Right. Riddle me this. So, are you okay? Are we all right? No, my nose is itchy, sorry. Oh, God. Well…
That’s, you know, put it a work order for Christ’s sake. Yeah. Itching that nose like a job. Mm-hmm. It’s like road work on the summertime. Christ. You remember a long time ago, you accused me of picking my nose on the air and I didn’t. I said, I was itching it. And you’re like, no, you were picking your nose. I saw you picking your nose that I ate it when you didn’t look. And you’re like, Oh, a hundred bucks. This is smells. Kid eats the booger. You’re wrong. You’re wrong. So did you, are you admitting to revelation? No, I wiped it on your coat. Oh, what? Yeah, that’s okay. Laughing. Laughing. Did she ever say that her father was in an insane asylum or anything? I missed that part of the story if she did. I don’t know. Maybe that’s where he got the song from. Everybody around him was laughing. Laughing.
Oh, my goodness. Yeah. Well, this last week, two things have happened to me. Let me put it this way. I’m going to change it a little bit. Two things. I have done two things that I’ve never done in my life this last week. All right. I’m going to tell you about one of them, and then I’ll tell you about the other one another time, perhaps. Intriguing. So my wife is trying to, you know, I’m getting older. There’s no doubt about it. Yeah. And my wife is, um, you know, encouraging, she’s doing it herself and she’s encouraging me to come along, which typically in the past, I probably would have not do anything. you know, certain exercise type things that I would not normally do. Are you kegeling? Well, I’ve always kegeled. I say kegel, you say kegel. Um, no. So this last week she goes, let’s go to water aerobics. Okay.
I want video. I want video of this. Yeah, I want video. And so she’s been going swimming, like swimming laps, right? Yes. And she’s like, come with me. We’re going to go swim some laps. And I’m like, okay. Come with me. I’ll go with you because I have neglected myself for eons. Go to the Y? Yeah, go to the Y, swim some laps. Yeah. Okay. And, uh, and so i’ve been doing that, you know, anytime she tells me i i go shirt on or shirt off sure what am I? 12? Shirt off. It doesn’t matter. Well, I didn’t, you know, I mean, you got, you know, some sweet titties there. I just didn’t know if you were well i don’t think they’re quite as sweet as yours, to be honest but uh
There was a time in my distant past where I did have some muscles. I think that was before I met you, I think. Yeah, it was before I met you, exactly. You were like Jabba the fucking Hut when I met you. Yeah, distant past, I said. So she goes, I’m going in the morning. You know, you should go with me. And I’m like, All right. Well, I said, wake me up and I’ll see how I’m feeling. I pulled a Miles title on this one. I will try. I will try. Exactly. I’m like, wake me up and I will see how I’m doing in the morning. You know, if I want to do this. And so she did. It was like, I think we had to be there like 730 or something. What the hell was that? What?
Oh, I sound like you’re sucking the bottom of a drink or something. No. Okay. She’s kind of getting everything together. I’m like, I don’t want to go. I’m like, this is not going to be… This is not going to be what I want to… I don’t want to be part of… this aqua aerobics kind of scene, you know what i mean? You have, like, cartoonish shorts that you wear, like scooby-doo or something or yeah jinkies i wear my speedo juicy on the back does it say juicy You know, regular swim trunks or whatever you want to call them. Speedos. Oh my God. Oh my God. I got a visual. I don’t even… I’ve got my swim trunks on. Yeah, so my wife’s getting everything together and I’m laying there and I’m like… Trust me. No, this is not for me, right? I didn’t say this out loud because she’s been really kind and
trying to, you know, encourage me. And I’m like, so then he’s getting ready and I hear she’s just about ready. And, you know, and something flipped in my head. I’m like, I’m going to go. I’m going to do this. Oh, he’s doing a Cameron from Ferris Bueller’s day off. I’ll go. You should be calling me. I’ll go. I’ll go. I’ll go. Yeah. So I hop up. I get my stuff together real quick and we head on over to do the aqua aerobics. Wait, are you going to be dressing in the dressing room? Um, I typically just wear my swim trunks over, but I do change afterwards. Is that what you’re talking about? Yeah. Cause you have like a weird thing about being like in front of people. Yeah.
Yes, I have a weird thing about running around naked in front of people, yes. Like most people do, I think. Hey, dudes. Yeah, I’m not your exhibitionist, if that’s what you’re talking about. I’m thinking you run into the bathroom stall. No, they have little, it’s very updated. It’s not like it was when you were kids where basically they threw you out in the parking lot and told you to change your clothes. Yeah. Yeah. So I put my swim trunks on, grabbed my towel and whatnot and my clothes to put on afterwards. I can’t stand to be all wet. Yeah. Right. So and we get there, we get to the pool. And she and I had the youngest of our sex at this aqua aerobics class. What was that? What? We were both the youngest in our sex. Oh, I’m sorry. Okay. I missed that part. Sorry. Yeah. So I’m the youngest guy. She’s the youngest lady. Oh, yeah. Woman. Yeah. And so it’s all these people that got to be.
at least 10 or 15 years older than us. All right. Let me tell you about Korea. Yeah, exactly. And I’m like, and, and my wife leans over and she’s like, where are the youngest ones here? I’m like, well, what did you think? Yeah. I mean, come on, Jesus, figure it out. But given that now actually one lady who was gone had to be there like forties or something. So she was ended up being the youngest, but, um, what’s that? She was boozing me. I don’t know what that means. I beg honkers. The, uh, so, but you know what? It was actually quite one big problem, but it was actually quite fun. Yeah. I enjoyed myself. We did an hour, believe it or not. Yeah. And they had these, uh,
Waits for the Water, which I’ve never heard of. Are you familiar with any of this? No. I’m thinking of that old Saturday Night Live thing with the synchronized swimming. Oh, Martin Short. It was a little bit like that. But they had these dumbbells, but you use them in the water and they actually are very resistant. It’s wild, but anyway. Yeah, so we went this whole routine. The only problem was it’s an indoor pool, not an outdoor pool. And It’s very echoey and noisy. There’s two pools side by side or close together. The other one, they’re playing some music or whatever. I couldn’t understand a word. Even though I’m not the oldest, I couldn’t understand a word this lady was saying from the front. I was taller. All of the older people were in the shallower area. I went to the deeper
the deepest part of the pool. Um, because I was taller and, um, and also then I was away from everybody. Uh, and she’s like, yeah, exactly. And so then I had to, I had to go over by my wife and I go, what did she say? And she’s like, just follow my, just follow my lead. And so then we did all the, uh, exercises and we’re bouncing around, but yeah, everybody was, I mean, there was like 80 year old people, mostly women, I will say. Yeah. Yeah. There was a couple of guys and then we, uh, um, you know, go through the whole hour of exercises there, which was really quite fun. And then we get done and my wife’s like, did you see those two old people flirting with each other?
I’m like, no. She’s like, they were splashing each other and carrying on. I’m like, no, I wasn’t even paying attention. I just thought they were flailing. Right. They all were drowning. Some of these people just barely moved. They just kind of were floating in the water. Like you? No. No, I was moving. I was doing… I did everything the lady said that I can figure out. I mimicked whatever the hell she was doing. Wait, take off my shorts? What? Well, okay. I think that’s what she said. Okay. That’s what the teacher says. Dunk my wife? Okay. So, I mean, they have you going side to side in a pool and going up and down and doing… Inside out. And then you… grab this pool noodle and you pull your leg up. It’s a whole thing. I swear. Oh, the show officially has become really old. Holy curse Oh my God. I was just like, I never in a million years thought i would do this. And then i did. And I’m like, and she’s like, well, you want to go again? And I said, yeah, I’d go if you want to go again.
We can be by that sexy couple over there. Yeah. The, the, the, yeah, the guy with the obvious heart condition. Cause he’s all puffy. Yeah. Uh, and the, uh, and then the old lady who, you know, has gone through three husbands or something. Yeah. The spry old woman. Who was flailing. No, I was just like, I mean, cause we’ve been, and we went over and did the, uh, the, uh, where you swim in the lanes, right? So you do laps. These people are like fit, you know, these people next to me are like, you know, swimming back forth like five times. I barely make it down once. That’s what I’ve been doing for, uh, at least a week and a half or whatever before we decided to do this. So, but yeah, it was, it was comical, very comical and very, uh, humbling, uh,
Then he went out to get coffee with his senior discount. Yeah. I got, yeah, I got my, I got my AARP card here. The waffles are free. So, yeah, but it was, I mean, it was, they’re all laughing and carrying on. It was like, it was like cocoon for Christ’s sake. I was in. Make sure you eat your oatmeal. Yeah. It’s a wonder everybody didn’t come out of the pool with a heart on it. Christ. I could cut diamonds. Look at it. So that’s, yeah. So there you go. I’d never done it before. I am having a hard time with this. Yeah. This seems like unlike you. Am I inspiring you, Miles, to take care of yourself? Yeah, you have. You have. You think? Well, I’m sure. It’s so convincing, to be honest with you. I have an exercise story, too. Do you really? You’ve done something? Yeah. I don’t believe it. All right. Well, hit me with it. Hit me with your bad shot. All right. So I’ve made friends with this guy.
What? I said, uh-oh. And we went to the pool together. They call him Kirby Bill. I don’t know why. He likes to swim naked. So I said, well, it’s a little weird. Have you ever seen pornographic Viewmaster discs? I don’t know. I would love to. No, this guy has got some acreage, some serious freaking acreage, you know? Okay. And, uh, talking to you for Mr. You know, uh, I just like 10th of an acre or something. We just hit it off. We hit it off. Miles. Let me tell you a story about acorns. Oh, I’d love to hear it. No, but he’s like, you know, you can go there, just, you know, text me, you know, so I know you’re there, you know? Okay. Huh?
I got an apple tree, but don’t take none of my apples. No, no, no, no. He’s got, no, he’s, I’ve not found any, but there’s actually some arrowheads around there and stuff. Oh, okay. So, which I’ve yet to find any, but are you like swinging the metal detector now? Is that what you’re going to tell me? I don’t have one. No, but, um, I pretend. No, uh, well, I don’t think you can find the arrowhead metal detectors anyway, but, uh, I thought, okay, you know what? Even though we’ve had this monsoon summer, this torrential downpour and shit, it’s my dog’s birthday weekend. We’re going to go for a serious freaking walk in these woods. Your dog’s birthday, you’re taking him for a walk in the woods? Yes. Okay.
And not the kind, like he’s getting old and I had to bring the shotgun with me and we’re going to put a bullet in his head or something. Nice. And, uh, that’s nice. And no, I was not, but, uh, so I tell my wife where we’re going. I’ve told my wife exactly where this is. She’s like, oh, okay. Yeah. Whatever, whatever. And, uh, she’s like, don’t take your phone. I don’t want to know where to find you. Yeah, no. Yeah. Right now I have a phone. It was like a 20% when I left, like, oh shit. Oh, yeah, no kidding. And so we get there, we’re walking, walking, walking, walking, and I realized, like, I brought, like, walking shoes, and it’s probably not the right time to be wearing walking shoes, like, in some serious muddy conditions. I’m like, oh, shit, this isn’t good. These crocs ain’t going to cut it out here in the world. Yeah, I wish, yeah, right? It was like, this was a bad idea, you know. It was a gibbet.
Christ. Huh? I’m going to lose a gibbet. Christ. I don’t know what a gibbet is. It’s those little things that people put in Crocs. Oh, I don’t. Sorry. I don’t know what that is. It’s like flare Crocs. I, you know, spray down, get rid of the mosquitoes, but I don’t realize like, like every 10 feet there’s face high. There’s like a spider with a nice web and I’m getting like, like, you know, just like a facial, uh, full of, like, spider, you know. That spider spunk all over me. Mm-hmm. I had to get, like, a stick out and start whacking, like, you know, whacking through the forest. Poor dog where you’re whacking the stick around. Oh, he’s having a great time. He’s running around like there’s no tomorrow. Like, do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. I carried the dog to knock the spider webs down for me. Oh, that’s how much it took off, you know what I mean?
And occasionally this like disappears on my ass, but you know, he’s usually not that. Well, no, he sticks around. Usually sticks around, you know, so I don’t remember his name, but he usually comes back to me. Bingo. And, uh, and, uh, anyway, I decided, okay. At the end of the property is this pretty fricking big Hill. I go, I shouldn’t, I really shouldn’t fuck it. Yolo, you know, Yolo, right. I’m Yolo. And, uh, I go, this is man. Why did I wear these fucking shoes? Shit. You know, like I’m struggling to get up there. This path, you know, like Jesus Christ, this is like monks bound, you know, fricking. I’m sure it’s like monks mound. All right. Except while monks mound has stairs, doesn’t have the stairs. I was like, okay. Yeah. And, uh, I finally get to the top of this cocksucker. I’m like, man, this bitch is tall. And I’m like, man, it’s like,
five miles in the air. I swear to God, it’s like Kilimanjaro. I’m taking pictures, you know, mushrooms and shit, you know, dog. I go out, it’s time to go. Time to leave. You know, getting too hot and human. Right. On my ass. Oh, fuck. I’m like, oh, okay. Okay. All right. I think nothing’s broken. I think I’m okay. I think I’m okay. Right. So you slid down the hill? Uh, no, I, I stopped. I was so fat that, uh, the gravity could not get me. So I was like, I fell on my ass, but I’m like, okay. I go, as long as I can get up, see, I’m not afraid of falling. It’s just like, can I get back up? You know, I’m like, this guy, after you left, the guy goes, you see that big dent in the tall hill dent. That hill ain’t as tall as it would. Yeah. Part of the hill.
I don’t think it was two minutes later. Guess what? Whoa. That’s what it hurt. I’m like, Oh, hopefully there was no like, uh, branches or stumps or anything there. No, I didn’t get hit in the nuts or anything. I’m like, shit, this was up to poop shoot. Yeah. I didn’t know. There wasn’t no food, silly Jerry or nothing. I’m like, I’m getting out of here, man. I’m like, okay. You know, I’ve, I’ve met the challenge now and you’re still, you’re still going. Yeah. And now I’m like, I’m heading, I mean, I go, this has gotta be more than a mile back of the car, you know, Superman crypto dog scenario here where he dragged you back to the car. Oh, no, no, no, no. I mean, occasionally I see a son of a bitch running around. He’s having a great time and he’s usually, if he disappears, he’s not more than about a minute away, you know? Okay.
And, uh, I occasionally see him and i realize after i’m hiking out, I’m like, where’s this son of a bitch at uh-oh i go son of a bitch, where are you? Hey, dumb shit i’m calling i’m calling whistling i like i’m out of breath. I didn’t bring enough water am i these crocs are covered in mud. My ass is all wet. Yeah, I know. I’m like, why? Why did it wear Crocs? You know, he was wearing like Uh, sweat pants that had no drawstring. So I’m like, can like pulling up the sweat slowly, you know, covered in, you know, forest bill, you know, my, oh my God, uh, Martin Sheen at the end of, you know, apocalypse down and I’m like, this dog has disappeared. He’s like, where’s the son of a bitch at walking? I mean, I’m like, this is more than a mile. Maybe this is two miles in the car. I don’t even know. Maybe three.
Maybe three, four. I don’t know. Cool. Let’s go for five. I mean, it was like, holy man, like, but 10 death March. I’m like, geez. And, uh, I hear something like, you know, running through the forest, like I go, man, I really hope it’s that dog and that’s something or whatever. I don’t know what it’s like. No, no dog, no dog. I finally make it back to the car. No dog. I’m like, well, happy birthday. Did you yell happy birthday whenever you left? So now, you know, phone’s on like, you know, 10%. I’m like, oh, I called my wife. I’m like, honey, dog’s gone. What did you do? Didn’t you take a leash? No, no, come on. He’s like half hunting dog, man. He knows what he’s doing. He knows his way around better than me. Yeah, apparently. Yeah. So I’m like,
I’m beeping the horn. I’m like, she goes, where are you? I’m like, it’s the place I’ve always told you. I go, you know, you go over the hill down there and you, it’s like 10 minutes from our house. Remember? Oh, okay. No way. This isn’t going to be like one of those comics where you pull the dog out of your butt crack. Cause you fell on it. Sherman. Yeah, no, this is not, yeah, this is not some Yorkian. Yeah. I’m like, you might want to send our son, you know, you might want to send our son. Hold on, I’m trying to map this thing in Google Maps. Send out the Calvary. You don’t have to use all this mapping bullshit. I’m telling you where it’s at. You go down the hill. Turn by the lake. There’s one freaking lake. You turn by… These are dead-on landmarks, and yet she’s trying to map this thing. I mean, because she’s in the modern age, unlike you. You go to Curly’s Knob…
Yeah. Why do you call it Curly’s knob? A guy named Curly used to expose himself there a lot. And then at the corner game, Curly’s knob. Yeah. I’ll tell you, they could never have that show Dukes of Hazzard on anymore because then everyone would be using their phone to figure out where to go. Well, hold on. Wait. Yeah, hold on. We don’t know the back roads. Yeah. Uh, so I’m like, send our sons. And about that time, the goddamn dog shows up. I don’t know where like, after I haven’t seen him for like maybe 20 minutes, but you son of a bitch. God damn it. He went out to get mangoes mangoes and he’s all wet. He’s like swimming in sewage. I don’t know where the fuck he was at.
Okay. Get in the, get in the front seat where your mom usually sits. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Likely brought a towel. Get in you son of a bitch. I can’t believe, you know, they have long leashes that, you know, no, no, he loves to run. He’s an old dog. He loves running. Why does he want to be a leash for? I’m just saying just so he doesn’t get in trouble. No, he’s just never, like, taken off like that, though. I mean, he just totally, like, give me the finger, like, F you, it’s my birthday. Like, I’m going to get my ya-ya’s out today. Boom. We’re living in Twilight Town. I’m going to go back there, and, like, seven coyotes are going to be out there, like, eating his guts or something. I thought maybe he was going to be humping them. Yeah, well, no, he’s fixed. He’s going to be drowning in the creek or some shit. I don’t know where the fuck.
Oh my God. I just assume he humps everything. Yeah. No, no, no. I’m checking myself for ticks and spiders. Well, heck that could have taken half the day. Well, no, the only time I act like a little bitch though, there was like this like lime green spider on me. I don’t know why I freaked out. I’m like, I don’t blame you. I wouldn’t. I’m like, there’s something wrong. This thing’s been radiated or something. There’s something wrong with this spider. You’re radiating. No spider would be like lime green color. This is not right, man. If I get bit by this, will I be Spider-Man? Yeah. Maybe not. Anyway, puppy’s okay. Uncle Lair, don’t worry about it. How about your butt? Your butt okay? I thought I had seriously damaged my good knee. I’m like, oh. Oh, no. My toxics.
It’s okay. Is it okay today? But man, yesterday I’m like, I think I might’ve really tore something in my leg or something. Oh my gosh. Yeah. So lesson learned. You laughed at me for going to water aerobics and here you are. I know. You know, Edmund Hillary climbing a 10 foot mound of dirt and fall on your ass twice. Sometimes you forget how old you are. You know, you’re like, you know i could probably do this. And you’re like, I have a bad back, bad knee, uh, you know. The only thing, the only thing that surprises me is there wasn’t like, you know, some kind of porno shop at the top of this hill or no gambling or something that’s why you made it all the way up there. No, I just, I knew it was the tallest hill and i go, we’re going up. Come on, yeller. Three slots at the top of the hill
So when are you going next weekend or what? I might. See? Okay. I love you. Have you recovered? I love you. Oh, God. I love you. Now we’ve got to be subjective of this. I love you. Say it. Do you like climbing? I think I heard him say, screw you. Do you trust your daddy? Screw you.