Make a List, Actually Two

How do you know if someone is the type of person you should marry? How do you know if someone is the type of person you should go on a date with? It’s pretty simple really. It depends on what you value. Check your list.

I received a lot of good advice as a single person. I also received a lot of bad advice, but I am saving that for another post. One of the best pieces of advice came from multiple sources. I believe the first time I saw it was in a book I highly recommend called Boundaries in Dating by Henry Cloud and John Townsend(1). My wife also received very similar advice in a book she read called Love Smart by Dr. Phil McGraw(1), another book I highly recommend.

The best advice I received as a single person? Make a list. In fact, make two lists. Make a list of things you must have in a spouse and make a list of things you absolutely will not tolerate in a spouse. Then, no matter what, do not deviate from your list.

Check It Twice

The most important thing about your list is that it has to be very thoughtfully created. In crafting it, you should do some soul-searching and decide what is truly important in life. If your list is shallow and consists of mostly physical and financial qualifications it will be less than useless. Instead of leading you to Mr. or Ms. Right it will lead you right back to the same sort of mistakes that have left you broken hearted before.

In making your list, be honest with yourself. In the process, you may come to understand that your priorities need some adjusting. You may realize you keep dating the wrong people because you are idealizing the wrong things. Maybe it’s time to start valuing what is truly valuable.

What are the qualities that make a relationship work? Perhaps honesty, trustworthiness, and godliness should trump she’s cute or he drives a Mercedes. Maybe kind and good-natured is better than he’s six-foot tall or she looks great in yoga pants.

Naughty or Nice

Another important thing about your lists is that they are not too – not too short or too long, not too stringent or too relaxed, not too rigid or too flexible, not too general or too detailed, and not too unrealistic.

From what I have read, and from making my own list, it seems that ten items, give or take a few, is optimal for each list. Some people have too few and leave out some very important things. Other people go to the alternate extreme and end up with a list so long and specific that it could not possibly describe any real live human being.

List One: I Must Have

Okay, let’s start with list number one – things I must have. I suggest doing a little research first into what traits lead to strong relationships. And that doesn’t necessarily just mean internet research, you could also speak to happy couples and see what qualities they value in each other that help keep their marriage happy.

Of course, the tendency of many people is to overly value physical attributes and financial assets and put too many of those things way too high on their list. Frankly, there are a lot of very good-looking and rich people fighting over child custody and spousal support every day. That is not what keeps a marriage happy.

That being said, as in most things,