“The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results.”(Often attributed to) Albert Einstein

Sometimes in your life as a single person, you get stuck in a rut. Bad ways of looking at things, relating to people, and dating turn into a cycle of bad decisions. You make the same relational mistakes over and over. You look at your singleness the same dysfunctional way year after year. It’s time to look at things a different way. It’s time to do things a different way.

A Different Way of Looking at Singleness

First, look at your singleness differently. As I’ve noted before, how you view your singleness makes all the difference in the world as to how much you enjoy it. If you view it as your cross to bear or a punishment you were cursed with, you will never know the joyful, enriching, thrill ride singleness can be.

Single Too Long?

Too many people view singleness as a time of life that should be minimized and kept as short as possible. They equate a long season of singleness to some sort of failure to marry.

The truth is that for most of us singleness is a valuable time of learning. Those years are when we learn who we are, what we believe, and what we value. That’s the time given to you to grow as a person.

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Time to Learn and Grow

Your single years are the time to learn what you want in a spouse, learn to attract that kind of spouse, and learn about what it takes to have a great relationship with your spouse. If you wait until you get married to start learning how to be a good spouse, you’ve wasted your single years.

Don’t do that. Don’t waste these years. Look at your singleness as your time to grow. You have a lot to learn about who you are, what qualities are important in a person you would want to marry, and how to be the spouse you should be.

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A Different Way of Dating

Secondly, start looking at dating differently.

Not All About You

To some people dating is a way to get what they want from someone else. It’s a way of gratifying their need for affection and sexual release. It’s all about the chase and the thrill of the hunt.

Not Just A Necessary Evil

To some people dating is seen as a necessary evil. They think, “Well, if I ever want to get married I guess I have to date, whether I want to or not.” The guys think, “Why do I need to spend all this time and money to get someone to like me?” While the ladies think, “Why do I need to subject myself to all the perils of dating and spend my evening fending off some jerk?”

And honestly, sometimes it can be tricky. There’s no guarantee your date will turn out nice. Plus, there’s always the risk of rejection on both sides and the accompanying ding to your ego.

Not About Long-Term Relationships

To other people dating means entering a long-term relationship. I won’t spend time on that here because I’ve dealt with that recently.

Related Article: The Problem with Long-Term Dating Relationships

A while back I wrote about how you deserve better and should not settle for certain behaviors and certain types of people. This week I want to talk about not settling for certain types of relationships.

Uncommitted

As with so many things I feel compelled to write about, this one should go without saying, but any type of romantic, intimate relationship should include some sort of commitment. Why would you settle for a relationship that include any type of intimacy without any type of commitment?

This is not an original thought, I am paraphrasing Josh Harris here. But despite any disagreements I have with his book, I wholeheartedly agree with his premise that the level of intimacy should only increase as the level of commitment increases.

Sure, some people do have a problem committing. Some people have been burned and move slowly. I moved slowly. But, there was no intimacy until I made a commitment. And, at some point, even the most gun shy among us has to overcome the fear and commit if we ever want to experience a truly intimate relationship.

Related Post: My Current Girlfriend | Commitment in the Age of Gamophobia

You can’t just coast along indefinitely. Otherwise, years later you end up friends with benefits wondering if any sort of real relationship could ever even be an option.

Ambiguous

Closely related to the uncommitted relationship is the ambiguous relationship. You know, you kind of coast along, maybe go on a date occasionally, maybe you talk on the phone every now and again. Sometimes you think you see signs that they are interested in you and sometimes you don’t.

That’s okay in the short term, but you can’t let that drag on month after month. Either it is strictly a friendship or there is some romantic interest. Find out which it is before you waste valuable time hoping it is what it is not.

Power Struggle

Relationships should be based on love and respect. Relationships that turn into power struggles are the types of relationships you should avoid.

Maintaining any relationship, even a healthy one, can at times be a struggle. We each struggle with commitment, trust, and in general, letting people into our inner thought life on an intimate level. Those things are natural and you work through them together as your level of commitment and trust grows.

But relationships should never be a struggle for who’s in control. Love asks, what can I do for you? And, how can I make you feel more loved? Love never demands submission.

If you are always having to reinforce and defend you boundaries, you are in an unhealthy relationship. You deserve better than that type of relationship.

Unequal / Lopsided

Next, I want to talk about the kind of relationship The Bible warns us about – being unequally yoked. But, I want to apply it to more than just your spiritual walk. Yes, being in a relationship with someone of a different belief system or someone having the same beliefs as you, but not taking them as seriously as you do usually leads to bad outcomes.

But, what about relationships where the commitment to the relationship is lopsided, your intellects are vastly different, or your financial goals are completely opposite? You deserve better than a relationship where you are always pulling in different directions or pulling in the same d...

Last week I wrote about not getting tired of doing the right things. If you ever end up getting married, what you do in the meantime makes all the difference in what kind of marriage you’ll have. But, what if “in the meantime” turns into for a lifetime? What if you never get married? Can there still be a happily ever after without a marriage?

Marriage ≠ Happiness

First off, I have to tell you that getting married doesn’t necessarily insure happiness. Even though the majority of marriages are good and loving, there is no guarantee. This is especially true of second or third marriages.

Without some personal growth and a change in perspective, people tend to either make the exact same mistake again, make the exact opposite mistake, or find some clever new way to mess up. That’s why, on this blog, I put a lot of emphasis on personal growth, purity, and, dating differently than you did before.

Also, single people tend to build up their expectations for marriage to a point where they’re almost certain to be disappointed. Don’t expect someone to come in and rescue you from your loneliness, financial troubles, or general existential angst. People tend to carry those things with them into marriage. In fact, a lot of the time you end up with two broken, needy people, each one counting on the other one to make their life better.

Related Post: Three Things Marriage Can and Cannot Do For You

Here again, that’s why I write so much about growing as a person and getting yourself into position to meet a spouse. Thriving as a single comes first.

All that being said, I’m not disparaging marriage. Those of you who read this blog regularly know that after a protracted second singleness I remarried and it’s awesome. But, my wife and I both did a lot of work on ourselves in our single years to give us a good shot at a great marriage. Thriving as a single came first.

Related Post: Marriage | Is It Still Relevant Today?

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Singleness ≠ Unhappiness

Yeah, but what if I never get married?

Okay, what if you never get married? What if you stay single for the rest of your life? What then?

Life as a single in no way means a life that is unfulfilling, lonely, or without meaning and purpose. If you never get married, life will still be good. It will be whatever you make of it.

Single people still have dreams, goals, ambitions, friends, family, talents, social lives, jobs, hobbies, adventures to experience, and interests to explore. Life is still rich and vibrant and meaningful.

You are free to strike out in whatever direction you see fit. Make your life an adventure. There are things in this life for you to accomplish. You’re Creator still has a purpose for your life. Seek God’s direction, then pour your energy into the things that are burning in your heart.

Related Post: Singleness = Freedom

The Key: Personal Growth

The key to thriving as a single person or to becoming happily married is the same – personal growth.

Have you been single longer than you hoped? Are you doing all the right things: growing as a person, becoming more physically, emotionally, and spiritually attractive, staying pure, and dating the right way, but you feel like you are no closer to finding a spouse than you were years ago? I know it’s discouraging, but don’t get tired of doing the right things.

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In Due Time

Let me be clear, there’s no guarantee you will end up married. But, if you’ll allow me to me get preachy for a few moments, The Bible has a lot to say about this.

For instance, the title of this post references a scripture, Galatians 6:9, which, in the English Standard Version reads, “And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.” And, in the King James Version, it reads, “And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.”

So, don’t give up. It could be that it’s just not your time yet. Maybe you just need to, as they say, keep sawing wood, keep on doing the right things and in due time, if you don’t give up, your time will come around. Who knows what tomorrow holds? Who knows who will walk into your church, your favorite coffee shop, or the produce section of your favorite market?

I know when Anita walked into my life, I was glad I was ready and doing the right things. If I had not been doing those things, she would never have been attracted to me. And vice versa, if she had not been doing the right things, I would never have been attracted to her. We met at a time when we were both ready and in position to meet and be happily married to someone.

So, what I can tell you is this: when someone does come along that you’re interested in, you’ll be glad you didn’t get tired doing the right things. You’ll be glad you took time to heal and grow as a person, stayed pure, and maximized your attractiveness.

The Desires of Your Heart

There is a point at which you tend to want to give up. During my second singleness, honestly, there were several times I started to doubt God’s goodness and wonder if He gave me the desire to get married as some kind of cruel joke. It seemed like my desire for companionship and affection only served to make life miserable in their absence. And, my healthy sex drive seemed especially burdensome.

Related Post: Sexual Temptation | As a Christian Single, What Do I Do?

And yet, in Psalms 37:4 it says that if I delight myself in God, He will give me the desires of my heart. I have to tell you, I had my share of doubts. But, in the end, He did grant me that desire. Did He do it on the time table I would have chosen? No! But, can I look back and see His grace and wisdom in the timing? Yes!

Can I guarantee it will work that way for you? No. But, do I think there is a good chance it will? Yes. If the desire in your heart is a desire He placed there, He didn’t put it there to torture and frustrate you. Trust God’s goodness.

Keep Doing the Right Things

Even when it seems pointless, keep doing the right things. Even if you never end up married, living life as a healed, whole, healthy, attractive, confident, godly,

Some of you are still single and want to get married. Some of you are single again and want to get married. And, some of you are single or single again and have sworn you will never marry or marry again. If you want to stay single, you need to be happily single. If you want to get married, first, you need to be happily single. Either way, step number one is to learn to thrive, right here, right now, as a single person.

Someday, Somewhere, Somebody, Something

Most people have a terrible tendency to overlook all the good things about right here, right now. We idolize and idealize some person, thing, event, or place that is just beyond our grasp.

And the insidious thing is that on the occasions we do get actually get to experience that place, own that thing, or be with that person, the happiness we feel is short-lived. As soon as we experience it, we begin to take it for granted and look ahead longingly to the next event, place, person, or thing that we believe will finally make us happy.

Never let yourself idolize and idealize marriage that way. If you do, and God grants you a spouse, your happiness is very likely to be short-lived. You’re very likely to begin taking your spouse for granted and looking for some new event, place, person, or thing to make you happy again.

Related Post: 3 Lies Singles Believe About Married Life

Don’t wait for any event, place, person, or thing to make you happy. Learn to enjoy life now. Learn to thrive now – right now, where you are, with the things you have right now.

Happily Married

I don’t believe many people can make the transition from unhappily single to happily married. I’m not saying it is impossible, but it’s highly unlikely.

Marriage is not a cure-all for your bad habits and attitudes. You unhappiness, envy, jealousy, longing, depression, and a host of other spiritually and emotionally unhealthy attitudes and behaviors tend to follow you into marriage.

If you want to be happily married at some point, you lay the foundation for that now by learning to thrive as a single person. The best chance for a happy marriage is when two happy, content, emotionally and spiritually healthy people get married.

Happily Single

So, if you ever want to be happily married, learn to be happy now while you’re single. And, if you want to stay single, that doesn’t mean the rest of your life has to be a lonely, unfulfilling, second-rate existence.

What your married or single life will be will to a large extent be determined by the choices you make each day. So, make good choices. Choose good health, good friendships, loving yourself and others, thankfulness, contentment, purity, and good experiences, and reject things like envy, jealousy, and the constant yearning for what you don’t have.

Related Post: Successfully Single Part 2

Learn to Thrive

When I found myself single again at forty, to say I was not thrilled about it would be a huge understatement. At first, I hated it. I hated the thought of it. I hated the reality of it. But, I learned to thrive in the middle of it.

Today I’m happily remarried, but thriving as a single person had to come first. You learn to thrive as a single person by learning to be content, learning to be thankful, and growing as a person.

I don’t know about you,

You’re single. You want to go out on dates. You should go out on dates. But, trying to get a date is risky. So, be prepared for a few no thank you’s or possibly even the occasional rude dismissal. When that happens, how do you handle rejection?

We’ve all been there. You make a move to let someone know you are interested in them, and they return zero interest in you. Are worse yet, you ask someone out and they flatly, even pointedly reject you.

It’s Not You

One way to handle rejection is to realize that most of the time when that happens it’s not about you. Who knows what event in their life or flaw in their character precipitated that rejection? Yet, many of us assume it’s personal and that they see some fundamental flaw in us. Before you jump to that conclusion, consider a few alternative possibilities.

It’s Their Ex

It could be something as simple as you reminding them of their ex. Maybe someone who looks like you or talks like you or smells like you or for whatever reason reminds them of you caused them a lot of pain at some point. You, unfortunately, caught them at a time when they hadn’t gotten over it yet.

It’s Bad Timing

Which brings us to timing. It’s not your fault that you showed interest in them at a time when they had not yet gotten over their ex. It could be that if you had met a few months later, after they had more time to gain perspective and to heal, they would have been more interested. Or, maybe if you had crossed paths before that person you remind them of broke their heart, the outcome would have been better.

It’s Them

Or, maybe it’s them. There could be some flaw in their character or their way of seeing you that doesn’t allow them to appreciate the fabulous person you are. Believe it or not, and I know this may come as a shock to you, but, some people are very hung up on a certain look. If you’re not the right weight, shape, height, eye color, skin color, ethnicity, or don’t have the right facial features they will dismiss you out of hand and never take time to get to know you.

And for some people it may not be looks. Some people will judge you by your income level, educational level, music preferences, fashion choices, culinary preferences, political affiliation, religious background, or accent. It’s not your fault that some people overvalue the less important things and undervalue more important things like good morals, Godly character, faithfulness, honesty, and a loving and gentle disposition.

It’s Nobody’s “Fault”

Also, consider that maybe the person you showed interest in is simply not a good fit for you. It could be nobody’s fault. Just because someone isn’t interested in you or you’re not interested in someone that doesn’t mean any fault has to be assigned.

And always remember, people, including both you and the other person, are free to have preferences in who they go out with. Of course, the wise person defines them carefully based on things that matter. But, well thought out or not people are entitled to their preferences.

It Is Your Fault

Now for a dose of hard truth. Earlier I wrote that most of the time it’s not your fault; that means sometimes – it is your fault. Another way to handle rejection is to use it as motivation to make the changes you need to make.

Everyone gets rejected from time to time. This is normal. But, if you look back and see a pattern of consistently g...

One of the best parts of being single is having the opportunity to experience fun dating activities with a variety of people. One of the worst parts of being single is sitting home alone when you’d rather be out on a date because you either missed an opportunity to ask someone out or mishandled your opportunity to ask them out and got turned down. If you want to date more, try these things.

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Be Bold: Seize the Moment

In the course of your everyday life, opportunities will present themselves. What do you do in those pivotal moments? Do you hesitate or talk yourself out of taking a risk? Or, do you seize that moment?

You never know where seizing that moment could lead. It could lead to an embarrassing crash and burn. But, it could lead to a great date or even marriage. You’ll never know unless you step out and take action.

My best advice is to get out of your comfort zone and take a few risks. When you do, you’ll probably get a few rejections. That’s okay. After a few rejections, you come to realize that they aren’t fatal. In fact, they can be instructional. Learn from each encounter.

The more you do it, the less intimidating it is and the more natural it feels. The first time you do anything is the scariest. But, each time after that gets less and less scary.

And, I say this as a guy who was by no means a naturally outgoing person as a teenager or even as a young adult. In fact, that was one of the things I learned in my second singleness. It took a midlife divorce to teach me that. But, now it’s become my nature.

A while back I was walking down the hall at church. There was a rather attractive woman just ahead of me. Pastor stuck his head out of an office…Pastor: Hi Sam!Sam: Hi Ben!Pastor: Hi Todd!Me: Hi Ben!Then, without missing a beat…Me: Hi Sam!Sam: Hi Todd!

Then for the rest of the walk down the hall, Sam and I had a nice conversation. If I were still a single man, who knows where that conversation could have led?

If I were still my younger self, that conversation would never have taken place. My fear would have kept me from opening my mouth and I would have missed an opportunity to make a new friend and have a nice conversation. It would have been just another wasted opportunity, one of so many.

Be Confident: Not Arrogant, NotTimid

To step out and do things like that takes a little confidence. That’s another thing I lacked as a younger man. It’s also another thing I developed after my divorce – in my forties. So, no matter how old you are or what you’ve been through, you can still develop confidence. That’s doable. That’s something you can, with effort, change about yourself.

And, in the case of confidence, it’s okay to fake it till you make it. I know, people love to hate on that old saw. But, when it comes to confidence, it makes sense. In my case, I just started acting and reacting to things like I would if I had more confidence. After doing that consciously for a while, I started doing it without thinking about it. It became my default. It became my nature.

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But by confidence, I don’t mean arrogance. True confidence is very attractive. For most people, arrogance is a huge turnoff. If that’s you,

There exists a dichotomy. The chasm betwixt the two sides of it grows wider and wider as time passes. On the one hand, some people completely give up on romance. On the other hand, some people use it as their drug of choice. I’m not sure which is worse, trudging through life jaded and romanceless or skipping along starry-eyed and breathless always desperately seeking that next dopamine hit.

If you’re single, what’s the proper role of romance?

Romance Novels and Rom-Coms

The problem is that most people get their ideas about romance from works of fiction. Be it a New York Times bestseller or a hot new Hollywood romcom, it sets our minds abuzz with the anticipation or dread that the next season will be blessed or cursed, depending on which side of the divide you make your stand, with a new opportunity for romance.

Side Note

A quick side-note here, this is especially the case around Christmas and Valentine’s Day. It seems those holidays, in particular, are largely driven by romanticism.

And as a side-side-note, in case you haven’t figured it out yet, Valentine’s Day is not nearly as much about love as it is about romance.

And as a side-side-side-note, of course, it’s also about selling lots of chocolate, greeting cards, movie tickets, books, flowers, lingerie, and jewelry. Romance is very profitable. So, be aware that a lot of the romance you feel in the air is carefully crafted by manipulative advertisers specifically to separate you from your hard-earned money. But, anyway…

Back to the Post…

In most books and movies, it seems that love is driven by romance. If two people get thrust into the right circumstances and romantic situations, nature will take its course and they will fall in love and live happily ever after.

That is pure fiction.

Well, actually, in the right circumstances, yes, any two people will start to have feelings for each other. The problem is that circumstances change. Marriages never exist from just one romantic moment to another. There is always lots of dull, challenging, irritating, tedious, ordinary, real life filled with cooking, washing dishes, vacuuming floors, working, lawn mowing, putting out the garbage, head colds, shaving, and flatulence happening between those occasional romantic moments. You know, all the stuff they conveniently leave out of Hallmark Channel movies and jewelry ads.

Romance and Dating

But, perhaps the biggest problem with romance is when it comes to dating. People have the wrong-headed idea that dating should always be romantic. I would suggest to you that the majority of you dating should not be romantic.

If you were dating just to get affection or sex, I could understand going for romance. It’s what leads to those things. But, is that what you’re after? Is that why you’re dating? Or, are you dating, as I suggest, to have fun, and to get to know yourself and the people you might be interested in marrying better? If that is your goal, and I believe it should be, romantic dating is not the way to get there.

Related Article: How to Date Like a Christian Atheist

In fact, introducing romance into dating makes it more likely you end up having sex before you intend to and less likely you end up happily married to a suitable spouse. That’s because romance clouds your judgment. It impairs your ability to get to know what someone is like in real life and know if they are the kind of...

It was once a rarity. Now it is the norm. The question is no longer – are you married or single? Marriage is no longer assumed to be the end game. The modern relationship questions have, unfortunately, become – who are you dating now and do you think you’ll move in together? It seems that a large percentage of single people have simply given up on marriage and accepted as truth that they’ll have to settle for a series of long-term dating relationships throughout their adult years.

I cannot in good conscience recommend that people do that. It’s good for neither the individuals involved, their children, if they have any, or society as a whole.

Dating and Sex

The first problem I have with long-term dating relationships is that they usually turn into sexual relationships. In fact, in most circles, it’s pretty much understood that if you’re dating, you’re having sex. In fact, for a lot of people, having a steady sexual partner is the whole point of it – that and always having a date for any occasion.

Look, I know I’m getting older and this truth is now viewed as a relic of generations past. It has, in the last few decades, fallen out of fashion. But, truth is still truth. Sex is for married people.

Despite modern society’s gamophobia and aversion to commitment in general, the best place for personal fulfillment, child rearing, and, yes, sex is within the bond of a loving, stable, healthy, lifelong commitment. And if someone tells you otherwise, question their motives.

Related post: My Current Girlfriend | Commitment in the Age of Gamophobia

Marriage-Lite

Another problem I have with long-term relationships is that they are used as a substitute for marriage, a marriage-lite if you will. While you play long-term couple you get some short-term benefits of marriage, like sex and always having a date to any occasion, without being tied down to a long-term commitment you might second guess in the future.

It’s trying to get the rewards without the risks. But, and I say this as a happily remarried divorcee, with greater risk comes greater reward. I’m glad I took the risk of remarrying.

The rewards are phenomenal. Despite what my first wife did, I know my wife has my back. Despite what her first husband did, my wife knows I have her back. We’re in it for life, pulling in the same direction, and looking forward to as many decades of marriage as we can squeeze into what’s left of our Earthly existence.

You will never have that in a long-term dating, marriage-lite relationship. Those are relationships people get into and out of as they fall into and out of “love”. They are what people settle for, especially women. And as such, they are a poor substitute. Real love thrives in commitment. Insecurity thrives in dating relationships, short or long-term.

Marriage Vaccine

Perhaps the worst thing about long term-dating relationships is that going from one long-term dating relationship to the next inoculates you against making a permanent commitment. It’s like a marriage vaccine. You get small doses of deactivated marriage-like stuff which helps you build up a resistance to the real thing.

You begin to think that relationships naturally start, build, plateau, decline, then, inevitably end. Your life becomes a predictable cycle of long-term tragically ending relationships. My God, that sounds depressing. You deserve better. It’s time to break that cycle.

Last week I wrote about some of the best and worst things about being single. And you have to admit some of those things are pretty good. But still, sometimes you just get tired of being single.

On the whole, being single is not the worst thing in the world. If you’re doing it right, that is if you have your sex drive under control, have learned to be self-sufficient, have learned to be content, have enough quality people in your life to not be constantly lonely, and have learned to thrive as a single, it can be a great life.

Related post: The Best and Worst Things About Being Single

And right now, via our virtual connection enhanced by cutting edge technology co-developed by Microsoft, Google, and Facebook, I can actually hear some of you thinking, “yeah, I know, I know, but I’m tired of being single, I want to get married.”

I hear you. As my single years piled up, I felt the same way at times. My apartment and my bed felt empty. My sex drive was almost unbearable. And, I know some of you have been single longer than I was. There’s no denying it. As good as single life can be, it gets old sometimes.

Reality: You Are Single

But, right now, the reality is that you are single. And, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but unless you’re engaged right now, you probably will be single for quite a while longer.

The Good News

The good news is that you will be okay. Because you’re going to do singleness the right way, you will thrive. By that I mean you will stay pure, date wisely, become more and more physically and emotionally attractive, and grow as a person. And, you will not compromise your convictions, rush into a relationship, act desperate, or settle for someone who does not meet your well thought out criteria.

You, my friend, will be doing the things that help you move from single to married – not just sitting at home wishing you were married. Wishing you were married is about as helpful as wishing you had won the last Powerball lottery. The good news is that finding a good spouse is a lot easier than winning millions of dollars in the lottery.

Related post: Do This Now If You Want to Marry in the Next Few Years

And, here is more good news. Statistics tell us that most people who want to get married or remarried do – eventually. Which brings us to the bad news …

The Bad News

The bad news is it may take longer than you hoped.

In addition to being the last one in my group of friends to marry, I also went through almost seven years of second singleness. And when I say that, I know some of you are thinking oh My God it’s been two years for me and I’m already sick of it. And, others of you are thinking, big deal I’ve been single twice that long. While other of you are thinking, well at least you were married, I’ve never been married.

In the end, I don’t know why I had to be single so long. And, I don’t know why you’ve been single so long or how long you will be single. I just know that whether it’s been two years, twenty years, or your life so far, to you it sometimes just feels like it has been way too long.

And, it’s okay to have those feelings. Every single person has them from time to time. Just don’t let those feelings drive you to do dumb things. Don’t jet those feelings push you into compromising your ...