Thrive Singles Podcast

I don’t know about you, but when I was the last one still single in my group of friends, I didn’t feel particularly blessed. Then, when I found myself divorced in my forties, it sure didn’t feel like God had just bestowed some great blessing upon me. In fact, I felt cursed – cursed, abandoned, and forgotten by God – doomed to be alone forever. Anybody out there feeling me?

Doomed to Die Alone

I have a feeling I’m not alone in feeling I would die alone or in feeling I was somehow defective and could never succeed at marriage. I felt doomed to live the rest of my life alone, die alone, and never experience the reciprocal, intimate, lifelong love I always craved.

Of course, in reality, the odds of it ending up that way are pretty slim. In fact, you probably have about the same odds of that happening as winning a lottery jackpot worth hundreds of millions of dollars. But, for some reason, we don’t lie awake at night thinking about that minuscule possibility. Instead, we dwell on the bad things that could happen.

The good news is that it’s not up to random chance whether you die alone. You have a lot more influence over that than you do over whether you win the lottery. It’s a lot more difficult to die alone if you spend your time and energy developing relationships and learning to be more attractive. So, instead of worrying about it, take steps to make it even more unlikely than it already is.

Hexed to Third Wheel Hell

Do you ever feel like people are giving you sympathy invites? Does it seem like everyone else is coupled up everywhere you go? Are you tired of hearing everyone else talk about their spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, or fiancée? Welcome to third wheel hell.

First off, even if you are invited out of sympathy, sympathy invitations are still better than no invitations at all and sitting home alone every night. Secondly, don’t assume people invite you out of sympathy. There’s always the possibility that they actually like you, enjoy your company, and like having you around.

Of course, it still wreaks that everyone else around you is paired up and you’re not. I get it – been there, done that. But, it’s still good to be among friends rather than sitting home alone. Just don’t make that your only social interaction. Get out and hang around some good quality single friends too. And, get out and meet new people every chance you get.

Also, the statistics say that, if want to, you probably will get married at some point. This whole third wheel thing is probably a temporary situation – even if it’s gone on longer than you hoped.

Cursed by My Creator

As a Christian, I also wondered whether God still loved or cared about me. I questioned whether I had committed some unpardonable sin that caused God to curse me with eternal singleness. Or, I wondered if God kept women away from me to protect them from some flaw deep within me.

Yes, I actually had those thoughts. I could probably go back and look through my journal and show you places where I expressed those things.

If you are feeling cursed by God, I let me assure you that you are not. The Bible is full of passages that tell us things like: His eyes are always searching the Earth for people He can show Himself strong for (2 Chronicles 16:9), and taste and see that The Lord is good (Psalms 34:8), and He rewards people who diligently seek after Him (Hebrews 11:6).

So,

When I was faced with the thought of divorce, that was pretty scary. The only thing scarier than that was the thought that after the divorce I would be single. That was scary, especially being single over forty. That was terrifying. Turns out, psychologists have a scientific term for the fear of being single – Anuptaphobia.

I find that fear is closely related to several other fears for which I recently took the time to look up the medical names.

But, let’s start with that one.

Anuptaphobia

Anuptaphobia is the fear of being or staying single. Just like being asexual is being without a sexual nature, Anuptaphobia is the fear of being without a wedding – a-nuptial, so to speak.

Yes, this is an actual psychological term and yes, I think I had a mild case of it at the time of my divorce. And from my interactions with long-term singles and people in the process of divorcing, I would say that it’s pretty common. So, if you have a fear of remaining single the rest of your life, you’ve got lots of company.

If this is your fear, face it. Face it head-on. Maybe you will end up married. Maybe you won’t. Who knows what the future holds? Either way, you can thrive.

In fact, you need to thrive first. Fear makes you timid, insecure, and unsure of yourself. That is the exact opposite of the confidence that it takes to be attractive and desirable to the people around you.

Gamophobia

I have to mention Gamophobia here too. It’s a very common fear among singles. Gamophobia is the fear of marriage or commitment. I wrote a whole blog post centered around this fear. I’m not going to go in depth about it here. You can go back and read that post.

The interesting thing is that as afraid as some people are of being single, they choose to remain so because they’re afraid of making a lifetime commitment.

Autophobia

Next, I want to talk about Autophobia. No, that’s not a fear of driving, riding in, or being run over by an automobile, it’s a fear of being alone. It’s also called Monophobia or Isolophobia.

I have to confess, as much as a value my alone time, there were times as a single person when my fears got the best of me. I wondered what would happen if something bad happened to me while I was alone in my apartment. Who would know? I could go for days without help or, in a worst-case scenario, without anyone discovering my dead body.

So, if this is one of your fears, first of all, realize that you are not alone in your fear of being alone. It is not uncommon. 

Secondly, try to understand your fear. Is it like mine, a fear based more on the logistics of living alone? In that case, put systems in place that put your mind at ease.

Or, is it more of a fear of being alone with your thoughts? In that case, spend some time and effort reprogramming your thoughts. A good mental and spiritual diet of positive thoughts, prayer, and encouraging scriptures would be a good place to start.

If you are seriously afraid of being alone to the point where you constantly consciously avoid it, consider some professional help. Some Cognitive Behavioral Therapy could be just the thing to help you overcome that.

Atelophobia

Another fear many singles face is the fear of not being good enough.

I an attempt to impress the opposite sex, singles tell each other a plethora of lies. This is common on dates. It’s even more common online. You’ll hear every kind of lie, from fairly innocuous lies like “I’m a natural blonde” or “I graduated college with a 4.0 GPA” to more nefarious lies like “That’s not my kid” or “It was all my ex’s fault.” But, the most common lie singles tell each other is “I love you.”

What Does That Even Mean?

Many languages have multiple words for different types of love. Unfortunately, in English, we do not. We love chocolate, love our pets, love that new outfit, love our mom, love our favorite movie, love our kids, love our country, and love our spouse.

It’s confusing. Some of us love our spouse, kids, or country enough to kill or die for them. I don’t think anyone would kill or die for their love of chocolate or their pet. People may say that their desert or outfit is “to die for” but I believe that is usually just an exaggeration.

“I Love You” Devalued

We have devalued love by making it just another level of like. I like that, I really like that a lot, I love that is the natural progression. I like strawberries, I really like strawberries a lot, I love strawberries. So, we figure it’s the same with people. I like you, I really like you a lot, I love you.

And, that’s not anything peculiar to the word love. We have also devalued words like awesome, incredible, and epic to the point where we have no greater superlatives reserved for things which are truly awesome, incredible, or epic.

A few years ago, I got to see the Grand Canyon. It really was awesome, but saying it was awesome seems to not do it justice because we have overused the word awesome when describing lesser things like movies, pop songs, or our desert. It’s to the point to where if your entrée is awesome then,  something as awesome as the Grand Canyon is, I don’t know, awesome-r than awesome. Epically awesome? Incredibly epic?

It’s the same with I love you. When I tell my wife “I love you”, the words just seem inadequate to communicate the depth and intensity of what I mean. But, at the same time, when most single people tell another single “I love you” it often communicates more than what the person saying it means. It usually means something more like “I’m attracted to you” than “I would take a bullet for you.”

“I Love You” Misused

But, that’s just one way it’s misused. It is a phrase often used to manipulate other people into doing what we want them to do. It’s okay if we go a little farther, it’s okay if we have sex, it’s okay if I move in with you. Why? Because – I love you.

Real love never makes demands. It never demands a response, it never demands reciprocation, and it never demands a reward. If anyone ever tells you things like “I love you, but I’d love you more if…” or “if you loved me you would…”, or “it’s okay because I love you”, they are probably misusing the phrase.

Words, Deeds, and Lies

Those three little words, I love you, are easy to say and nice to hear. But, do the actions of the person saying them say I love you too, or are those just empty words?

If someone tells you I love you,

I would venture to say that, if not all of us, the overwhelming majority of us have been through a break up. For many of you, this may have been the breakup of a dating relationship. For some of you, it may have been an engagement. Most of us have been through at least one and a lot of us through several. Some may have ended by your choice. Others ended by someone else’s choice. All of them leave a mark.

I’m not sure that there is any great way to end a relationship. But, if you’re the one ending the relationship, there are better ways and worse ways of doing so. Here are some of the better ways to break up.

The Right Way?Well, Most of the Time

These tips apply to most situations, but not all. Today, I’m writing about dating relationships and engagements, not marriages. Marriage is a whole different level of relationship and needs and deserves its own post.

Also, for the most part, I’m writing about typical relationships. At the end of this post, I’ll deal a little bit with abusive relationships, but abusive relationships deserve a post of their own too.

An Ounce of Prevention

First and foremost, the best way handle breakups is to avoid super painful breakups by not getting into long, drawn-out dating relationships. See my post about Dating vs Dating. That’s also one of the keys to thriving as a single person.

Long-term, intimate, sexualized dating relationships will almost always lead to painful breakups. No matter how you go about breaking up, the depth of the ties sex creates will make it painful. But even in that case, you can make it as pain-free as possible or at least slightly less painful by breaking up the right way.

Because, no matter how hard you try to get singleness right, you may end up in a dating relationship or an engagement that needs to end.

Sooner Rather Than Later

When this happens, don’t drag it out.

Most of the time relationships ebb and flow. Emotions wax and wane. There may be times when you feel the relationship isn’t going well and times you feel it is. That’s typical. That’s the nature of relationships.

But, sometimes you come to a realization that the person you’re dating or engaged to just isn’t the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. Maybe some character trait surfaces that is a deal breaker. Maybe you reach an impasse on some religious, moral, financial, or sexual issue. Or maybe some new information comes to your attention that casts the person you are in a relationship with in a whole different light.

If you come to the decision that the relationship must end, end it sooner rather than later. Don’t drag things out. If you wait longer, it won’t hurt less, it will hurt more – for you and for the other person.

It’s better to break up quickly and cleanly than to keep going through the motions, exchanging forced smiles, half-hearted I-love-you’s, and passionless kisses while both trying to ignore the persistent feeling that something isn’t right.

Don’t play that game. If something needs to be fixed, fix it. If it can’t be fixed, end it.

Directly

Also, be direct. Don’t give subtle clues that can be misinterpreted like saying that it might be better if you saw less of each other or saw other people. And,

You are a single parent. This does not mean that you have no desire for sex, romance, and marriage. You are still an emotional and sexual being as well as a parent. But, you are first and foremost a parent. That comes with certain responsibilities.

The Needs of Your Children

There will be precious moments when you can put your needs first, but for the most part, the needs of your children must come first. Of course, this is a generality. Every child and every situation is different. Children need differing amounts of your time and attention depending on their age and their personalities. But, in general, meeting your children’s needs comes before meeting your own emotional and sexual needs.

Time and Attention

Your children need your time and your attention – especially your positive attention. They need interaction with you other than “do your homework”, “stop that”, “be quiet”, “be still”, and those sorts of things. They need fun and affirming interactions with you too.

Those needs vary greatly from child to child, but your children probably need more of your time and attention than you realize. This is especially true if you are a recent divorcee. While your children are with you, they may miss their other parent and you are their only available parent. There is no tag-team parenting when you are single and have your children.

I know you have to work and clean house. I know you need some social interaction with other adults. But, when your children are with you, as much as possible, be there for them.

Safety and Security

Children also need their home to be a safe, secure place. A huge mistake I see single parents make is bringing people into their home to meet their children well before that person has earned enough trust to be allowed around them.

I’m not trying to be alarmist, but most victims of sexual abuse are not abused by complete strangers. Most of the time, they are abused by people their parents allow around them. And while it is true that people can be very good at hiding who they really are, why prematurely introduce people into your children’s lives when you don’t know them long enough or well enough to know if your children are safe around them?

Stability

Another huge need children have is the need for stability. This is totally undermined when they are forced to accept a steady stream of boyfriends or girlfriends coming and going time after time, year after year.

Children take it hard when they are forced to accept a new person into their lives. Then, they take it hard again when they are forced to sever ties with that person because that relationship ends. And some single parents put their children through this again and again and again with every cycle of “falling in love” then breaking up.

It’s much better to wait until you’ve been with someone for a while and seriously think marriage might be a possibility before you introduce them to your children.

Timing is Everything

If you’ve been through a breakup or a divorce, when it comes to starting to date again as a single parent timing is everything.

When to Start Dating Again

For your own sake, you need to take time to heal and morn and learn from your ended r...

Single people in today’s culture seem obsessed with avoiding divorce. This goes for single men and single women of different age groups, different religious traditions, and different nationalities. They also seem obsessed with themselves and sex, but those are issues for another day.

I would suggest to you that an obsession with creating a happy, healthy marriage would be a far more useful and healthy obsession and that if people spent their time pursuing that the whole divorce thing would take care of itself. For more on that, I suggest you go back and read some of my past posts about marriage.

Avoiding Divorce The Wrong Way

I can think of at least two wrong ways people try to avoid divorce. One was more popular in times past. One is more popular today. Both are still in use – and that’s not good.

In Times Past: Toughing It Out

In “the olden days”, actually not that long ago, people avoided divorce by staying in bad marriages. When you think about it, to a degree, it’s understandable.

People stayed in awful marriages because of:

* the children* divorce being hard to get* financial considerations* societal expectations* not wanting to look or feel like a failure

Now, we understand that it’s debatable whether children are better off in the bad marriage or better off after the divorce. It largely depends on the degree of conflict between the parents and whether abuse is involved. If there is abuse the children are far better off without the abusive parent around. That change is a good thing.

Other changes are not so good.

Today, divorces can be “no-fault” and easy to obtain, societal expectations have shifted tremendously, and there is not near as much stigma of failure attached to divorcees. In fact, we’ve made it so easy to divorce that people give up on marriages for common, petty reasons. They give up way too easily – because they can. They have an easy out.

Today: Avoiding Marriage

Today, people avoid divorce by not getting married. They more and more opt to live together or just date and have sex with a minimal commitment or no commitment at all. That’s become not only an option but, unfortunately, all too often it’s the default option.

Popular, But a Terrible Idea

This may be a popular option, but it’s a terrible idea.

The problem is that people think they will somehow escape heartbreak by not getting married. The truth is they may avoid a divorce but the emotional fallout of breaking off a sexual relationship can be just as devastating – especially if they have been together long-term or if they lived together.

Plus, this often leads to a pattern over years or even decades of cycle after cycle of “falling in love”, loosely pair bonding, then painfully breaking up.

Sex was given to us by God as a strong bonding agent. It releases powerful chemicals that help us attach to each other. By sharing that with someone then breaking up then repeating that process over and over people become immune to that bonding and teach themselves to not tightly bond with their next partner.

As a result, people trade the possible heartbreak of divorce for a series of heartbreaks and a decreased ability to form a lifelong bond.

Avoiding Divorce The Right Way

Let me admit right from the start that these are not the main things you should do to be attractive to the opposite sex. But, these are easy, simple, things you can do in addition to those main things that might make you a little more attractive.

I’ve covered way more important things in previous posts about attractiveness. Exercising, dressing better, eating better, being more confident, treating people well, living out your beliefs, these are things that have a much greater effect on your sex appeal.

That being said, here are a few other things you might not have thought about that can make a difference in the way people perceive you. And, most of these are not difficult or expensive to pull off. Such as…

Wear Red

Scientists have studied how color affects people’s perception of the opposite sex. While at least one study failed to replicate those findings, strong evidence implies that people perceive people wearing red as more attractive. And, this went both ways. Women judged men more attractive when the men wore red and men judged women more attractive when the women wore red.

If you think about it, it makes sense. Red doesn’t just blend in. It’s bold and confident. Red is the color of choice for sports cars, Valentines, and roses given with romantic intent. Everyone wants to be perceived as red-blooded and red hot.

Will this hold up to further scientific scrutiny? Who knows. But, is there any downside to wearing your favorite red shirt, red tie, red shoes, or red dress as the case may be? If nothing else, you might feel more sexy and attractive wearing it. And, that extra confidence will definitely make you more attractive.

Spelling and Grammar

This is such a simple thing, but it often gets overlooked. When emailing, texting, or otherwise private messaging, know the difference between there, their, and they’re, or and are, your and you’re, or two, to, and too.

And, when speaking on the phone or in person, conjugate your verbs. And, while you’re at it, don’t end every sentence with “you know?” and don’t begin every sentence with “So”.

But, going back to texting and private messaging, it’s 2018. You’re probably not using a flip phone equipped with only tiny numeric keys or sending a telegram and being charged by the letter. y r u stll txtng lik ths?

txts lke ths dnt impres teh oposit sx

TXTS LKE THS DOSNT ETHR

They give the impression that ur ignert dum r lzy. In this modern age of phones with QWERTY keyboards, text to speech functionality, and spell checking, there’s no excuse for cryptic emails or text messages. In fact, even in the one place it use to make sense, on Twitter, it doesn’t make sense anymore. As of late 2017, Twitter doubled its character limit, so there really isn’t much reason 4 U 2 tweet lk ths ethr.

I thought this may have just been a pet peeve of mine, but the research backs it up. People view people who use proper grammar and spelling as smarter, more educated, and, in general, more attractive.

And, this is especially true on online dating sites. There, all people have to go on is your profile. So, if you have bad grammar and misspelled words in your profile, don’t be shocked if it generates little or no interest.

Walk Your Dog

Okay, scientist studied this one too. Studies show that people are more attractive when they’re walking...

Okay, before you start typing that caustic “you’re a sexist and you don’t know what you’re talking about” comment, hear me out. These are generalizations. Yes. Not all women do these things. Yes. Some men do these things.

And yes, there are also things single men do that single women hate. I covered some of those in last week’s post.

Okay, now that we’ve got that out the way, let’s proceed with these things single women* do that single men hate.

*By single women, I mean a large percentage of the single female population. This should not be construed as meaning every single woman, and of course, this does not refer to you, I’m sure you would never do these things.

Assume Guys Understand What You Mean

I don’t know if you’ve ever noticed this, but sometimes it seems like men and women don’t speak the same language. Therapist and author John Gray noticed this. In fact, he wrote a pretty good book about it, “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus”.

There seem to be inherent differences in the way men and women see the world, think, and communicate. Even in my marriage, with my wife who I love dearly, with both of us striving to communicate clearly and listen to and understand each other, we still miscommunicate more often than we’d like.

It’s even harder when you are single and don’t have that long history together to help you understand each other. So ladies, keep that in mind when you text, speak to, message, or otherwise communicate with a guy.

Don’t use code words and phrases that your girl friends readily understand. Don’t use references from romcoms that guys probably haven’t seen. And, even when a guy nods his head and smiles, realize that most of the little nuances you packed into what you just said went right over his head.

If you really want to make sure we understand something, say it in one or two succinct, direct sentences without nuance or embellishment. Spell it out clearly.

And, if you really want to understand us, remember, we usually just say what’s on our mind. Most of the time, what we say is pretty much what we mean. Don’t try to read a whole lot into it. Just take it at face value. When a guy tells you “You look nice today”, it’s almost always just a compliment. It’s very rarely a backhanded shot at how you looked yesterday.

Assume Guys Understand What You Feel

In general, most women are very in touch with their feelings. In general, most men are not. You know how you feel. We don’t. We don’t know what we’re feeling and we certainly don’t know what you’re feeling. We just don’t usually think in those terms.

One of the cruelest games women play with men is the “if you really cared you would know _____” game. Men hate that game. We can’t win.

A good husband can make significant progress in learning to understand how his wife feels. It doesn’t come naturally, but we can, through diligent effort gain some rudimentary grasp of your emotional complexities.

A single man? Unless a guy grew up with sisters, it’s very likely going to take a long time for him to get even the slightest glimpse into what you are feeling and why. So, here again, spell it out clearly for him.

Let me start by saying two things. Number one: I know a lot of really nice guys. Number Two: I have met and heard from women about lots of guys who were real jerks. My point is – any woman you meet will have met their share of each. All they have to go on when deciding which kind of man you are is how you treat them and how you treat the people around you.

Don’t end up getting labeled a jerk. Don’t do these things women hate.

Bragging

First up – bragging. Most women hate bragging – even humble bragging. Bragging will get you labeled a jerk. So guys, don’t brag about your position, your bank account, how much weight you can bench press, how many women want to go out with you, how many women you’ve gone out with, and for God sake, don’t brag about the size of your … equipment.

First off, any woman who is impressed by what you brag about is probably only interested in what you bragged about. So, I guess, if you want a woman who loves you for your powerful position, loves you for your money, or loves you because you are the man all the other women want, you could go ahead and try bragging about those things.

But, there’s another problem.

Most women with any sense who are worth pursuing either won’t be impressed by your bravado or have heard it all before and won’t believe a word of it.

Instead, be humble and modest. If you have anything worth bragging about, it will eventually surface naturally in the course of your interactions.

Not Listening

Secondly, and I can’t emphasize this enough, women hate it when you don’t really listen to what they are saying. What you are communicating, in effect, is that what they are saying is not important which implies that they are not important.

This is easy to fall into. We all want to tell our story. Our minds get so busy trying to formulate our next interesting thing to say that we lose focus on what the person across from us is saying.

The good news is that listening is a skill anyone can learn. And, when you learn to listen, you make other people feel valued and they find you more attractive. So, any time and effort you put into honing your listening skills is time well spent.

Belittling People

I should have probably put this one second. In a way, this relates to my first point. Bragging is one way men try to make themselves look better. Another way is putting other people down. Women hate this.

Guys, no woman wants to hear you bash your ex, insult the wait staff, or otherwise dump on people or institutions. More than likely, all your putdowns will do is conjure up images of what some jerk did to them in the past, then you get lumped in with them.

Women worth being with know that how you talk to and treat the people around you is how you will, sooner or later, talk to and treat them. So, talk to and treat the people around you with respect, understanding, and kindness.

Being Crude or Vulgar

And, speaking of how you speak to people, most women hate hearing a man being crude or vulgar. Guys, this may come as a shock to some of you, but men and women are different. Most women don’t talk and act like your guy friends and they don’t want to hear you talk and see you act the way you do around your guy friends.

And yes, I have heard women excel in crudeness and vulgarity. It’s not exclusively a guy thing. But, those women are a tiny minority. The overwhelming majority of women don’t w...

We’ve all been through it. Either you or someone you went out with totally ruined the evening and left you wondering whether going on dates was really a good idea. There are hundreds, maybe thousands of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few of the more common mistakes you can easily avoid.

A lot of things I write in these posts should go without saying. But judging by my experiences, and probably yours too, they still need to be said again.

Show Up Late

There are reasons people are occasionally late. But, barring a fire, a severed limb, or some other Bona fide emergency, you should be where you said you would be when you said you would be there.

This is not necessarily an unrecoverable error, but it could very well ruin a date, especially if reservations are involved. At the very least it indicates to the other person that they or this date are just not that important to you. And, nobody enjoys standing or sitting around alone awkwardly waiting and wondering when or if their date will show up.

Make it All About You

A good way to ruin a date is to make it all about you. Talk about yourself constantly. Don’t really pay attention to what your date talks about. Make it all about your interests, your needs, and your opinions.

Part of being attractive and having a good dating experience is making the people around you feel valued. What people take away from dates is not necessarily exactly what you did or said, but how they felt while they were around you. So, spend some time listening to, encouraging, and complimenting your date. Don’t make it all about you.

Make it All About Physical Gratification

And, don’t make it all about physical gratification. In fact, don’t make it about physical affection at all. One of my favorite quotes about this is from Joshua Harris. In ‘I Kissed Dating Goodbye’, he says, “The joy of intimacy is the reward of commitment.” He believes like I do that the level of physical intimacy only increases as the level of commitment increases.

If you want to have good dates, make it all about fun and getting to know yourself and other people. Physical affection is for further down the line. Sex and activities that could lead to sex are for people who have made the ultimate commitment – marriage.

What a lot of people do on dates these days is what married people would consider foreplay. If you read this blog, I assume that sex outside of marriage is not an option for you. So, how is it fun to do things that get your body ready for sex and then not have sex?

Don’t ruin your dates by making them all about gratifying your need for physical affection. Make your dates all about good conversation and fun activities.

Act Needy

And, speaking of your needs, that’s a great way to ruin your dates, make dating all about your needs. Are your needs more important than the needs of the people you go out with? If this is what you believe, you need to have a good long talk with Jesus.

Besides that, acting needy and desperate is a huge turnoff to most well-adjusted, emotionally healthy people. In other words, it will repel the kind of people you want to attract and attract the kind of people you don’t want to be around.

Well-adjusted, emotionally healthy people tend to not spend their time around emotional leeches who suck up all of their spiritual and emotional energy.

Focus on the Negative

I’m pretty sure we all have some dating experience with Donald or Debbie Downer. Another surefire way to ruin a date and guarantee no future dates is to focus on the negative.

Talk about your aches and pains and problems. Heard any heart-wrenching news stories? Have any bloody, oozing, or otherwise gross symptoms? Anything come to mind that you ‘just can’t stand...