Thrive Singles Podcast

If you want to thrive as a single person, start with these three essential first steps.

* Decide that change is necessary.

* Believe it is possible.

* Create a plan.

Let’s look at these a little closer.

Step 1: Decide Change is Necessary

The very first step, and this is crucial, is to decide change is necessary. Without that motivation, you will not do the work it takes.

Time for a Change?

Are you happy with your relationships? If you are going from relationship to relationship, repeatedly having your heart broken, and doubtful that a relationship can be fulfilling and last a lifetime, you need to make some changes.

Are you happy with your dating life? If your dates tend to turn into disasters, you have given up on going out, or you would like to date more but you have not had the opportunity in a while, you need to make some changes.

Are you happily single? If all you can think about is meeting someone and how you will not be happy until you find that special someone, you need to make some changes.

Do Things Better, Get Better Results

Once you realize that what you are doing is not getting you the results you want and that doing the same thing again will get you those same results again, then you are ready to make some changes.

Single life can be so much better than lonely nights, dysfunctional dating relationships, and waiting for someone someday. It is time for a change. It is time to do better. Now is the time to, like the ThriveSingles.com tagline says, stop hating being single and learn to thrive.

So, that is the first of the three steps. Decide to change.

Step 2: Believe You Can Change

But, you will not bother to make the effort if you do not believe you have a reasonable chance of being successful. And, I guess this is really a two-step process. First, you have to believe change is possible. But then, you have to believe that it is possible for you.

I hate to resort to my story and my experience so often, but I think I am a good example. I am very ordinary, not an especially strong person, and I do not possess any special powers. Yet I, in all my weakness and with all my issues, learned to thrive as a single. If I can do it, I am convinced anyone, and I mean anyone, and I particularly mean you, can do it too.

Thrive RIght Here, Right Now

You can thrive right here, right now, in your current situation. Like I have pointed out before, thriving does not depend on changing your situation or location. Those may be good moves for some of you, but the crux of the matter is first and foremost changing yourself.

You do not have to wait until you can change your circumstances. Start changing right now on the inside. Think differently. See yourself differently. See singleness differently.

Thrive as a Single

You can be happily single. Wouldn’t it be great to have a loving, devoted spouse? Absolutely! But in the meantime, you can be happy right now. Your happiness is not dependent on whether you have a spouse.

In fact, if you do want to get married, it will be a lot easier to find a spouse if you are happily single. People find happy, well-adjusted, engaged people a lot more attractive than miserable people who are just waiting around for someone to come and rescue them.

Thrive as a Married Person

You can be happily married.

They say variety is the spice of life. “They”, whoever they are, got that one right. Have you been basically going out with the same person over and over – just with a different name? Or, maybe you have not been going out on any dates because you have too severely limited your options. It is time to introduce a little diversity into your dating life.

Diversity in Dating

In previous posts on dating, I shared my views on what a date is and what the purpose of dating is. I also wrote a post about how to go on more dates.  Today’s post is related to that post. It is also related to my post about getting out of a dating rut.

If you have listened to the podcast or read this blog for any length of time you know my definition of a date – meeting a person of the opposite sex at a specified place and time. And, you know why you should go on dates – to learn about yourself and other people and to have a little fun. You also know that I encourage you to go on dates with lots of different types of people.

Variety is the Spice of Life

Toward that end, let me ask you this, how many dates have you had with people from a different church? Town? County? Culture? Keeping in mind my definition of date, have you ever gone on a date with someone of a different race or ethnicity than your own? Here is why I think you should.

Personal Growth

I have written a lot the past few weeks about personal growth. Part of personal growth is learning more about yourself and other people.

If you really want to learn about yourself, go on dates with a wide variety of people. Bring some diversity into your dating life. How do you react to, relate to, and feel around quiet, introspective people? Loud, expressive people? Artsy people? Professional people? Athletic people? Outdoorsy people? Geeks?

Let’s take that a step further.

How do you react to, relate to, and feel around people of different races? Spending quality time with people of different races or ethnicities will help you see things differently. It will help you expand your understanding of the world and the beings who inhabit it. You will gain fresh perspectives on family dynamics, politics, social issues, and the human experience.

You will also find out how similar we all are and that we are all driven by the same basic needs and desires. As you spend one-on-one time with different people you will, hopefully, learn to feel more comfortable around people who look or think differently than you. You will learn. You will grow.

Maybe you will decide to pursue a relationship with someone of a different political bent, different ethnic background, or of a different race. Maybe not. But, even if you never get into a relationship, experiencing some diversity in your dating is a valuable learning experience and time well spent.

More Options

Here is another reason to add some diversity to your dating. It seems pretty obvious, but I have to point out that if you include people of other races and ethnicities, you will have a bigger, more diverse pool of people to draw from to go out with.

Sometimes it can be hard to find people you want to spend time with. You can expand that pool of people by concentrating on the important things on your list.

Process

From time to time I mention that personal growth plays a huge part in thriving as a single person. In last week’s post, I wrote about growth being a process. This week I want to delve into a little of the why, what, and how of personal growth.

Why?

First off, why do I think personal growth is important for single people? It works. Personal growth makes life better – whether you are married or single.

It Worked for Me

Growing as a person is important for everyone. This includes singles. In fact, I think it is especially important for singles. Let me start with what you might consider my weakest reason for believing this. It worked for me.

Personal growth made all the difference in my life as a single. I had a lot to learn and a lot of improvements to make. I have always been shy. My divorce left me unsure of myself and rethinking everything I thought I knew about relationships. And, I realized that I knew a lot less about myself and the opposite sex than I thought I did.

So, I started reading books, taking classes, and joining groups. When I did those things, I learned a lot – and started to grow. I began to gain confidence, I became more attractive to the opposite sex, and I started going on more dates and generally enjoying single life more.

I Saw It Work For Others

But, it did not just work for me. As I looked around, I saw the difference in outcomes and levels of happiness of people who put in the effort to learn and grow and those who did not. It was a stark contrast.

On the one hand, the people growing and learning were enjoying life, had more fun, had more positive outlooks, had more people of the opposite sex interested in them, were more well-adjusted, and were overall just more enjoyable to be around.

On the other hand, the people not interested in growing beyond where they were, had one failed relationship after another, were always complaining about how tough single life was, and never understood why relationship after relationship ended badly.

If Nothing Changes

Let’s say you are dissatisfied with your life and your relationships so far. If nothing changes, nothing changes. Unless you make some changes, you will go on being unhappy and dissatisfied.

And by changes, I do not mean changing your relationship status. If you make similar mistakes in your next relationship, you will have similar results. It is time to make changes in how you view yourself and others and how you go about getting into and being in a relationship.

What?

Okay, so how do I change? What is personal growth and what areas do I need to grow in?

Personal growth is what happens as you learn new things and put them into practice. As you learn about yourself, other people, and life and relationship skills, and incorporate the things you learn into your life, you grow and life gets better.

Learn About Yourself

It all starts with knowing yourself better. Why did I do those stupid things in my last relationship, sabotage myself, get discouraged so easily, or overreact to what so-and-so did or said? Why do I get so weird around people I find attractive, get so down on myself or others, or think that a lifetime, happily-ever-after marriage is out of reach for me?

There are things lurking undiscovered inside of you that affect your life. Your mistaken beliefs, motivations, unhealed wounds, and layers of scar tissue influence the way you relate to those around you. It will be hard to change your relationships until you understand why you relate to others the way you do.

Learn About Others

Speaking of other people, everyone is different.

Personal Growth

Learning to thrive is, at its heart, personal growth. Growth is a process. It takes time. So, don’t be discouraged if you’re not there yet. Keep doing the right things – and give it some time.

Start the Process

The first step in the process of thriving as a single person – if I may share a deep thought, or a cliché, depending on your frame of reference – is actually taking the first step. Sometimes the hardest part is overcoming the inertia of years of inaction and getting started. As the ancient Chinese saying goes – a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

Small Steps

There has to be a beginning. There has to be a point in time when you take that first step. It can start with something small but significant, like saying a polite but firm no to something you really would rather not do. Or, saying yes and giving yourself permission to do something you have been longing to do but keep getting talked out of by yourself or others.

Maybe for you, the process starts with turning down that date with that person you know will pressure you for sex. Or maybe, it means taking out a piece of paper and a pencil or creating a new document on your favorite writing app and making your list of things you must have and list of things you will not put up with in people you go out with.

Big Steps

Or, your first step may be more difficult. It may be you breaking off your relationship with that person who has a way of making you feel ugly or stupid, or who does not value your opinions and beliefs.

It may be:

* Lacing up your shoes and starting that exercise program

* Preparing healthy, home-cooked meals more often

* Starting to track your money and planning your first budget

* Taking a class to learn more about an area you have fallen behind in or have always been interested in

Little or big, the starting place is yours to choose. But, there must be a start, a definite action that says things will be different from now on.

Start Where You Are

It would be great if things were different. It would be great if you were further along the path, but you are where you are.

In past posts, I mentioned that I endorse a form of fake it till you make it. I believe it is okay to fake it, as in asking yourself what would I do if I were successful, emotionally healthy, and confident, and then acting accordingly.

But, when it comes to your starting point, do not try to fake it. Be as honest with yourself as you can. Maybe, ask a few carefully selected friends to evaluate where you are and where you need work.

What do you need to work on? Your attitude? People skills? Dating skills? Conversation skills? Personal appearance? Personal hygiene? Budgeting and financial skills? Diet and exercise? Spiritual life?

Rate yourself in each area. Prioritize which areas you need the most work in and which areas need the most immediate attention. Then slowly and steadily do the work.

Proceed Forward

Once you achieve forward motion, keep up your momentum. Progress may come quickly in some areas. It may come slowly in others, but it will come. And, it will be worth it when you start to see the payoff.

Keep your goal in mind. Hang on. Wait a minute. What is your goal? You should always begin with the end in mind. Is your goal to get and stay happily married? Is it to simply stop going through a cycle of bad relationships? Or, is it to just live a

In many blog posts, I mention types of people who you should not marry, should never go out with, or whose acceptance you should never seek. This week, I am putting a bunch of those people into one convenient blog post. This is not an exhaustive list, but it is a good place to start. So, here you go. Here are some people you should never go out with.

Never Go Out With…

For starters, you should never go out with anyone you do not trust or your friends and family do not trust. Your gut is usually right when it warms you about someone and your friends and family usually see people a lot more clearly than you can looking through eyes that are all glazed-over with infatuation.

Also, never go out with Momma’s Boy, Daddy’s Little Princess, Strong Silent Guy, Flirty Girl, Brooding Guy, or Ms. Thang. And, for God sake, never go out with Mr. Trust Fund, Jr. or Ms. Hot Mess. But enough generalities. Let’s get down to some serious specifics.

Too Interested In Outward Beauty

There are people for whom outward beauty is an obsession.  Never go out with people who place too much value on good looks.

I keep hearing this song. The chorus repeats this phrase over and over – I’m in love with your body. So, he is saying I’m in love with – not you, not who you are as a person, I’m in love with … the way your body currently looks. I think this exemplifies exactly the type of person you should never go out with.

I know a lot of girls fall for his kind of “compliment”. The problem is, what happens when you gain a few pounds? Or, what happens when they see a body they love even more? Do you really want a relationship with someone whose love depends on the shape of your body?

The fact is this, looks change. Bodies change. Age, gravity, and unhealthy lifestyle choices all conspire to alter your appearance over time – and usually not for the better.

If they are interested in you purely because of your looks they will be gone as soon as your looks change or they see someone whose looks they like better. You can try to always be the hottest hottie in their world. But ultimately, this is a battle you cannot win.

Makes You Feel Insecure

Never go out with people who make you feel insecure about your looks, your intellect, your beliefs and opinions, or your relationship with them. Unless you want to spend the rest of our days feeling bad about yourself, doubting yourself, and struggling to earn their love and approval, stay away from them.

Around healthy people, you will feel accepted, confident, and supported. Spend your time with healthy people.

Self-Centered

There are people who believe creation exists for them alone. Their needs, wants, and even whims are all that matter.

You can usually spot them pretty quickly and easily. Their sentences are full of words like me, my, and I. They dominate the conversation and seem to tune out when anyone else is speaking – unless they are talking about them of course. You may also notice that they tend to drive aggressively, often bend the rules, and seldom consider how their actions affect the people around them.

If you want to feel unimportant and more like property than a spouse, marry a self-centered person. Otherwise, do not even go on a date with one.

Always Talks About Their Ex

Some people have trouble letting go of the past. It could be that they idealize their ex and always talk about how their ex was good at this or that. Or, it could be that their ex was basically a spawn of Satan who ruined their life. Either way, their ex is their favorite topic of conversation.

If this kind of person asks you out, they may also mention their ex before they take another breath. If this happens,

Some of you are single and have never given it a second thought. Others of you wonder about it every waking moment and continually ask why God, why? You are the ones I am writing to today – and hopefully encouraging.

I wrote a post back in February 2017 specifically to encourage singles who want to get married. I wrote this week’s post to encourage both those of you who want to get married or stay single.

Perception

I found it incredibly encouraging to realize that I could make my life as a single better by simply changing how I viewed it.

There is a reason the ThriveSingles.com home page and every podcast episode begins with the words stop hating being single and learn to thrive.  There is a reason you hear it said so often that your perception is your reality. Your attitude toward your singleness helps shape the reality of your life as a single person.

Good News

This is great news. This means your happiness and your satisfaction with life are not dependent on you changing your situation. It means your well-being does not depend on whether you get married or not or whether you have a date this weekend or not.

And, here is more good news, you have the freedom and the ability to view your singleness differently. You can change the way look at and feel about your singleness. The one thing you always have control over is your attitude. Not only that, but it is one thing you alone have control over. No one else can control your attitude unless you allow them to.

Your Point of View

Pop quiz. How do you view your singleness? Do you see it as a cross to bear? A punishment from God? Something to endure until you get married? A failure?

Or, can you see it as something to make the best of – or even an opportunity?

Possibilities

I listen to a few self-help podcasts. I find them encouraging and helpful. They help me develop and maintain a better attitude and give me good tips on living well. A few months back, a self-help “guru” I follow asked a very important question. When something changed in his situation for the worse he asked, “What does this make possible?”

What Does Your Singleness Make Possible?

So, let me ask you this, what does your singleness make possible?

I can see some the more sarcastic among you making your lists:

* Sleeping alone

* Getting even less help around the house

* Getting a second job to make up for the lost second income

* Not having sex for the foreseeable future

I get that. I’ve been there. Being single again or single longer than you had planned does have its downsides – no question.

But seriously, what good things does your singleness make possible?

* A fresh start with somebody more compatible, more loving, more faithful

* A fresh start with someone less demanding, less angry, less expensive

* Pursuing a hobby or business opportunity

* Getting involved with a ministry or civic organization

* Living life unencumbered by the demands and expectations of an unreasonable spouse

For me, yes, I had to sleep alone for years and yes, I had to do all the house cleaning, clothes washing, and cooking, but there was an upside too. Somehow it still allowed me more time for an expanded role in music ministry, an opportunity for singles ministry, and more opportunity to explore my creative side.

Maybe your singleness does not give you extra time or any other obvious advantage. But, if you stay positive and keep your eyes open for new possibilities you will find opportunities.

Is there something you want to accomplish before you get married? Something you want to do or create? Something you want to learn about or explore? What does your singleness make possible?

When you are single, you get a lot of advice. When you are single longer than people think you should be, you get even more advice – from everyone – all the time.

Sources of Advice

You especially get a lot of advice from married people who have long since forgotten how hard it can be being single. They assume that since they have “graduated” out of singleness and have “achieved” marriage, they are now qualified to give you advice.

Of course, the single people who think they have it all figured out also have a lot of advice to give you. Since they have given up on ever getting married and have embraced their single lifestyle, they believe they can guide you to a similar place of disdain for and distrust of the opposite sex and acceptance of your inevitable, preferable, lifelong singleness.

And of course, friends, siblings, aunts, uncles, and a plethora of bloggers and YouTube-ers all weigh in with widely varied advice as well. Even your ex may have advice on what you should do differently next time around. A lot of the advice you receive will probably be contradictory and will definitely vary in quality.

So, be careful who you take advice from. Not all sources are of equal value. Give more weight to advice from single people who are thriving and married people who were thriving while they were single and are now happily married.

Bad Advice

In short, there is no end to the bad advice you receive when you are single. I covered some of the worst, including “you’re too picky” and “get right back on that horse”, in my post aptly titled Bad Advice for Singles. You should also read my post “Just Be Yourself” to find out how that can be the worst or best advice people give you. But, there is still plenty more bad advice out there to cover.

So, here we go with three more pieces of advice people love to give singles.

Bad Advice:

Best Way to Get Over Somebody …

Although I only came across this in the last six months, apparently it has been around quite a while. The advice goes like this – the best way to get over somebody is to get under somebody else.

There are a number of reasons this advice appeals to so many people. None of those reasons are healthy. Some people want to make their ex jealous. Some just want to show their ex that they’ve “still got it”. Others want to show their ex that they are over them.

The dysfunction in those motivations is obvious. They all have to do with showing your ex. That is a terrible reason to have sex. What it shows is that you are not over your ex. It shows they still have influence and control over you.

Another reason this advice is so popular is that, well, it turns out, people like sex. So, anything that promotes having sex is bound to be popular. People love hearing good news about their bad habits and bad behaviors. So, they love hearing that there might be a legitimate reason to engage in the bad behavior they were going to engage in any way.

But, even leaving sex out of the equation for a moment, who does this method appeal to? I mean, of course, it appeals to people who want to have sex, but who else does it appeal to?

This method is most often used by needy people who cannot stand to be alone any length of time. It is used by people who will probably go through a succession of dead-end relationships before they figure out that they need to get off of that merry-go-round for a while to break that dysfunctional dating cycle.

Better Advice

The less popular, but more healthy approach is to take all the time necessary ...

Okay, from time to time I mention stupid things I did as a single. Last week and the week before, I wrote about things I got right. Before that, I wrote once about the smartest things I did as a single. But this week, I am writing about three things I got wrong as a single.

Opposite Sex Friendships

While I was single, I never meant any harm to anyone. I genuinely thought a man and a woman could just be good friends. If there was no kissing or hand-holding, and a clear understanding that it was not a dating relationship, I naïvely thought it could be done without anyone getting attached or getting hurt. I was wrong.

I Got Hurt

And, that knife cut both ways. In one case, I got hurt. I spent significant time with this really cool woman. She was upfront with me that she was not at a point in her life where she was ready for a relationship, so we just pal-ed around.

But, as we hung around from time to time as just friends – I got really attached. I found her attractive on multiple levels. In fact, she was a lot like the woman I ended up marrying. We hit it off immediately. The conversation flowed effortlessly. We always enjoyed each other’s company.

The problem was simple – I was ready for a relationship. She was not. Like I said, she was upfront about that from the start. She never led me on or anything. My disappointment was strictly my fault.

I Hurt Someone

In a different friendship, I hurt someone. Here again, there was no kissing or hand-holding. She was fun to hang around with, but I had no romantic interest.

And, here again, I naïvely thought that it was possible for a man and a woman to just hang out as friends and that because there was no romantic involvement, nobody would get hurt. But, I know for a fact, when I got married it hurt her.

Get This Right

Do not make the same mistake I made. Do not naïvely think you can spend loads of time around one certain person of the opposite sex without one or the other of you getting attached and getting hurt.

Unless there is mutual interest in pursuing a relationship and some sort of commitment is made, do not spend too much time with any one person. Otherwise, someone will get attached and they will get hurt.

Too Far Physically

This is hard for me to admit. I write a lot about not letting your physical relationship get ahead of your commitment. But, that is not the whole story. Even if you are engaged, you are not married. There are still limits.

I let our physical relationship get out of hand. As our relationship got more and more intimate and our wedding day got closer and closer, I started letting my guard down. I started letting myself be alone with her at her place.

Being human beings, we started going further and further. Now, we did not go all the way. In fact, we did not go as far as a lot of couples go, but we went further than we intended and further that we should have.

If we would have needed to push our wedding date back, it would have been hard not to go all the way prematurely. It would have taken drastic measures to reset our physical relationship to where we could stay pure until that day. We were on a trajectory toward having sex very soon.

Get This Right

Never let your guard down. Never move your guardrails. If purity is your aim, you will need to be very purposeful in how you interact with the opposite sex. Dating or even being engaged does not give you license to do whatever you want.

Last week I told you part of my story and told you about three things I got right while I was single. This week I want to tell you a little more and tell you about three more things I got right.

Waiting

People have difficulty waiting. Today, more than ever, people seem to have no ability to or inclination to delay gratification. It is assumed that any human want, need, or desire has to be satisfied as soon as possible.

One of the biggest mistakes I see single people make, especially those who are single again, is they rush into dating and into a new relationship too quickly. Thank God, that was a lesson I was able to learn from witnessing other singles’ mistakes. I did not have to make this for mistake myself. I saw enough other people get hurt over and over in this repetitive, get interested, get together, get discouraged, get out cycle to keep me away from it.

What I Got Right

One of the things I got right was that I waited. I waited until I was over my ex and had healed up significantly before getting into a relationship. In fact, and you may find this hard to believe, I had no romantic dating relationship until I got to know the woman I married.

I was single and unattached for more than six years after my divorce. If I can do this, me, this weak-willed guy who thrives on affection and who my ex-wife stopped just short of accusing of being a sex addict can do it, pretty much anyone can do it. It is absolutely possible – and, I believe, necessary.

One reason I waited, like I wrote above, was because I saw so many other singles going through so much heartbreak. Another reason I waited was out of honor for my last marriage. I waited until after my ex remarried and there was no hope of reconciliation. If your spouse leaves you, that kind of waiting is not a requirement. But, personally, I felt better waiting and praying for reconciliation until it was no longer an option.

Yet another reason I waited was to educate myself. I wanted to make sure I had more knowledge about how to date and have better relationships. I wanted to know what it takes to form a relationship that could last a lifetime. Divorcing once was hard enough. Why leave any room for another relationship disaster?

Dating

One of the questions people love to ask single people is if they are dating anyone. Who are you dating? Who are you seeing? It is hard enough dealing with our own internal drive for intimacy, then, family, friends, and society pressure us too.

Dating is a societal expectation. And, not just any type of dating, part of modern dating is the expectation that you are having sex.

What I Got Right

Another important thing I got right was not dating. I just dated a lot. If you read this blog or listen to the podcast at all, you know what I mean. What I did not do was get into any romantic, intimate, sexual, relationships. What I did do was go out on fun, non-romantic, dates with lots of different women.

At first, this was partly because of a fear of ever falling in love again. But later, it was because I learned that this was the best way to date and the best way to find out if someone is the type of person you could imagine yourself married to. You only know that if you have spent significant time with them – and with other people of the opposite sex.

For that reason, it is important to go on dates with lots of different types of people. That is something I got right. I spent time with women with different personalit...

As I have written before, while I was single I did some dumb things and I did some smart things. Today I want to tell a little more of my story. Let me tell you about some of the things I got right as a single person.

It is not that I want or deserve your applause or admiration. It is not that I want to minimize the things I got wrong. I just hope you can learn a little something from what I share today.

Community

Human beings are designed to be part of a group. We have this persistent mythology of the lone wolf, but it is just that myth. People thrive in a tribe. There is safety in numbers. There is also camaraderie, accountability, and a host of other benefits.

Something I got very right while I was single was that once I had healed up enough after my divorce I started hanging around with a group of singles. They were mostly from my church and a few other nearby churches. The group leaders were a very solid married couple. The female leader had been through a divorce and spent many years as a single person. We could relate to her and she could relate to us.

A Healthy Community

I think it is important to note that this was a group organized by and under the authority of my church. Being I belong to a healthy thriving church and the leaders were a top-quality couple, the group was very helpful to a lot of people. Not all singles groups are created equal. I have also experienced some not so great singles groups. A lot of them lack solid teaching and guidance.

It seems like many such groups devolve into a forum for complaining about the opposite sex or single life in general. They do not provide the teaching necessary for helping single people thrive. And, many singles groups are either unwelcoming to new people or the members pounce on them like hyenas on fresh meat.

But, if you can find a good stable, healthy, helpful group to be a part of, it can make all the difference in your life as a single person. It did for me. So, if you want to do singleness right, make an effort to be part of a community.

Other Communities

That is not to say that your time should always be spent among single people. Another community I was a part of was my church. Like I said earlier, I belong to a strong, healthy, thriving church. The married couples there were also a great blessing to me.

But, singles groups and churches are not your only options. Being a part of any healthy, thriving group of like-minded people is helpful. It could be a civic group, a group centered around a favorite hobby, or any group united by something you enjoy or believe strongly about. The important thing is to be a part of a healthy, vibrant community.

Generosity

Not all the problems in singles groups are because of the group or the leaders.  One of the biggest problems with these groups is that people attend them for selfish reasons. Instead of becoming a part of a group for the right reasons, they only hang around if there is someone there they are interested in. Or, they only hang around if they get to be the center of attention. Their motivation is selfish. It is all about them.

Early on, I realized that as messed up as my divorce had left me, there were people there that I could help. It feels good to help other people. And, on the odd chance that someone you might be interested in should show up one night, know this – generosity and helpfulness is very attractive.

If they see you being nice and being helpful to everyone there, not just the attractive or successful ones, your value goes up in their eyes. They will see your generosity and maturity and be attracted to you. Meanwhile, those who give their attention only to the most attractive will get ignored by or turne...