This week I want to directly address those of you reading this blog who are Christians. Why is there a disconnect between your beliefs and how you treat the people you go out with?

To My Brothers and Sisters

Most weeks I write to you simply as someone interested in your wellbeing. I want to see as many singles as possible thriving and living fulfilling, exciting, well-adjusted, drama-free, heartbreak-free lives.

This week I am writing specifically to those of you who call yourselves Christians. I write about things like purity and abstinence from time to time, but I try not to get too preachy too often. So, please bear with me if I get a little preachy this week. If I do, it is because I think this subject is important. 

As your brother in Christ, I have a few questions specifically for you.

* Have you excluded God from one of the most important aspects of your life?

* Is there a disconnect between your Christian beliefs and your dating habits?

* Do you honor God in your interactions with the opposite sex?

Purity and Abstinence

Unfortunately, today, in our society purity and abstinence have fallen out of fashion. I can understand that non-Christians get caught up in the changing social mores and progressively liberalized moral standards. How could more sex with less commitment not be a hit with most people?

What I cannot understand is how easily single Christians get caught up in this. I mean, being a very sexual person myself, I do understand the appeal of it. But, do we live our lives according to what appeals to our human nature or what God says is best for us?

Giving In

Satisfying your sex drive is fairly easy. It is easy to give in to and easy to justify. It only takes a few moments of carelessness to undo years of doing the right thing. All it takes is putting yourself in the right situation with the right person.

We all have our limits. We set limits as to how far we want to go. But, there are also limits to how much temptation we can withstand. As I have written before, it is best to set your guardrails at a very safe distance. Give yourself lots of margin, lots of room for error. The further out you put your guardrails the less of a chance there is that you will give in and do what you promised yourself you would not do.

The Fine Art of Justification

And, when we do cross those lines we promised ourselves we would not cross, it is always easy to justify. It is so easy to think:

* God understands

* God gave me these urges

* You can’t really expect me to wait that long

* I can’t marry someone without giving them a test drive first to see if we are sexually compatible

* No one will be interested in me if I don’t put out

* It’s not really sex if it can’t lead to a pregnancy, so oral, anal, and dry humping are okay

* We’re different, the ordinary rules don’t apply to our special relationship

The Truth Is:

* Yes, God understands – He came down in human form so He would understand. But, He still says no and showed us how to overcome our human urges.

* Yes, God gave you those urges – but He also defined the limits of how, when, and with whom it is permissible to satisfy those urges.

* No, I cannot expect you to wait, but God can. Being your designer, He can expect whatever he wants. He also gives you the patience and strength to wait.

* Yes, you can marry without a test drive. Two people who love each other can find a way to fulfill each other sexually. No test drive is required.

Gamophobia and Philophobia

According to dictionary.com, gamophobia is the fear of marriage.  According to fearof.net, it has also come to mean the fear of commitment. Another pertinent word for my blog post today would be philophobia, which according to dictionary.com means a fear of love or fear of falling in love.

Labels

People love to toss labels around. Whether they are deserved or not is a whole different issue. It is easy today to find yourself labeled homophobic, racist, Islamophobic, or any one of thousands of other labels. People just love to label and pigeonhole groups and individuals. Name them. File them away. Write them off.

That being said, I think I can rightly label a huge percentage of people, especially divorcees, those I like to call serial daters, Generation Xers, and Millennials as gamophobic and philophobic.

The Trend

There has been a trend in recent years away from marriage and toward relationships of a more, shall we say, limited duration. For example, I was listening to a podcast recently. In it, the host mentioned his current girlfriend – his current girlfriend. I’m sure if she heard that podcast episode she must have felt all warm and fuzzy and totally secure in their relationship.

Even that is not as bad as the author who on the author bio in his book referred to his girlfriend as the woman he is “currently f***ing”. Here again, I’m sure that made his “significant other” feel really significant.

But, Why?

A growing segment of the population is content to settle for what they can get and has given up on creating a happy, stable marriage. How did we become a nation of commitment-phobes? Why do modern relationships have such a short lifespan and transient nature? Must every relationship have an exciting beginning, a declining, middle, and an inevitable end?

In part, this fear is understandable. A large number of forty-somethings and fifty-somethings have been through failed marriages. They are scared to death of ever going through another divorce or even getting that close to anyone again. That was me and is many divorcees my age. Meanwhile, the kids who witnessed those divorces are now marrying age. They have seen the horrors their parents went through and they want none of it. Now they have a fear of commitment too.

When you couple those fears with modern society’s shifting morality and drift from the Christian worldview, this is what you get. You get a decrease in marriage, an increase in gamophobia and philophobia, an increase in living together, and an increase in sexualized, short-lived dating relationships.

Call Me Old-Fashioned

It is understandable, but is it desirable? Is this really what is best for us, our children, and our society? You can call me old-fashioned, – go ahead, I’ll wait –  but I believe that marriage is good for us, good for our children, and good for our civilization.

Furthermore, I believe that it is in the security of a loving, stable, intimate, committed marriage that people thrive – and have the best sex. How can a one-night-stand or a series of transient sexual relationships ever measure up to what two people build up over decades of committing to learning to pleasure each other?

So, do you still think I’m old-fashioned? That’s okay. Maybe old-fashioned isn’t so bad. Maybe old-fashioned does not necessarily equate to dull, boring, or prudish after all.

A Real Commitment

Let me be perfectly clear. I probably should never start a paragraph that way. Every time a politician says that it is followed by an unbelievable barrage of obfuscation, equivocation, and misdirection. Oh well, anyway …

I do want to be clear about this. When I say commitment, I mean a lifelong,

A Test Drive?

But, what about sexual compatibility? How do you know if you are sexually compatible if you don’t have sex? That is one of the biggest objections to abstinence I hear. It’s right up there with “I have needs” and “everybody does it”. And, like other such sentiments, it is just another excuse for people to do what they want to do. Justification is an art most of us are pretty skilled at.

It is bad enough that this attitude is rampant in pop culture, but it has also infiltrated the church. I was shocked at how many times I heard people express that attitude in our DivorceCare groups and our Christian singles group.

I even had a Christian woman I was communicating with via eHarmony say it to me directly. She outright told me that there was no way she would marry someone without giving them a test drive first to make sure they were sexually compatible. And, she was not just a pew warmer. She was actively involved in her church.

Sexual Compatibility?

I want to spend our time together this week dealing with this whole sexual compatibility thing. What is it with this culture that we have elevated sexual compatibility to this exalted place? And, what does that even mean?

Compatible Equipment

Is it a matter of having compatible equipment? More than likely you can check off that box without a sexual test drive.

If you are both human, there is a pretty good chance your pieces will fit together in a pleasurable way. While there is some variance in sizes, and some people have a preference one way or the other, unless you and your spouse are at totally opposite ends of the spectrum, you should be okay on that front.

Even if you are a size mismatch, it’s not the end of the world or even the end of sexual fulfillment. There are ways of dealing with that. That being said, if size does matter to you, you should definitely have that conversation about that with anyone you are seriously interested in.

Compatible Desires

Or, is it a matter of sexual preferences? Is sexual compatibility a matter of liking the same positions, the same duration, or the same frequency? To be sure, those things are important, but a) are they what makes sex great and b) are they something that requires a test drive to figure out?

Like I said about size, if you have some peculiar sexual proclivity you need to talk about it with anyone you start to get serious about. Whether it is a size concern or a taboo sexual desire, any perspective mate needs to know about your sexual desires and expectations.

Talking about those things is a part of growing together as a couple. It is important to marry someone with whom you can engage in serious conversation about any important topic. Talking through difficult subjects leads to greater understanding and greater intimacy.

Misplaced Priorities

That is what makes sex great – intimacy – feeling connected to someone enough to commit to them for life. We have gotten our priorities completely backward. We glorify sex as the be all and end all of the human experience.

What about honor, self-control, or delayed gratification? What about knowing and being known, unconditional love, and commitment? Those things are dismissed as pie in the sky, old-fashioned, impractical, or impossible.

We seek after sexual fulfillment and sexual compatibility. Meanwhile, the things that actually matter and make a marriage great, like intimacy, commitment, and mutual respect get neglected. We ignore the most important things and put our sexual cart before our relational horse.

Date Better

In keeping with my theme of getting back to basics, this week I want to talk about dating and how to date better. Because, how you feel about, define, and go about dating has a huge impact on how much you enjoy single life and how well you thrive as a single person.

You Should Date

First off, if you have read this blog for any amount of time, you know I believe that if you are single you should probably date. You also know that when I say date I mean spending quality, non-romantic time on purpose with individuals of the opposite sex. And, you know I do not mean getting into some long drawn out, marriage lite dating relationship.

But, you should date. If you ever want to get married you should go out enough to feel confident around people of the opposite sex, to not feel desperate to have the affections of any certain person, and to determine what you really want in a spouse.

If you have no desire to get married, I still think it is healthy to hang out with people of the opposite sex from time to time. It is beneficial for the same reasons that it is healthy to have friends of different ethnicities and from different cultures. Interacting with people with different life experiences and points of view than your own helps to expand your thinking and prevents your worldview from becoming too narrow and insular.

What Is a Date?

I covered this more in-depth in my post Dating vs Dating. When I say you should date, I simply mean you should spend quality, fun, non-romantic time with people of the opposite sex in a context where you can get to know each other better.

In other words, if you ask a specific person to meet you at a specific place and time for the purpose of enjoying each other’s company and getting to know each other, to me, it is a date. For best results, do this often with a wide variety of people.

What’s the Point?

Here is where most people get it wrong. The point of a date is not to “win” the affections of someone. The point is not to see how romantic you can be and how far you can get. Going on a date is not about gratifying your physical urges for sex or affection.

The kind of dating I am writing about is to have a little fun, enjoy each other’s company, learn about yourself and them, and if you are seeking to get married, see if there is any mutual interest.

Who Should I Date?

Who you should date depends on what you value. See my post about making a list. Know what values and character traits you value in a person. Know what passions and beliefs are important to you. Yes, there should be some physical attraction. But, keep that in its proper context. Place the most value on what is the most important.

Give some thought to these statements and come up with five to ten things.

For your must-have list:

* I could never marry someone who isn’t… (respectful, kind, a good cook, …)

* I could never marry someone who doesn’t …  (attend church regularly, watch football, dress well, …)

For you deal breakers list:

* I could never marry someone who … (smokes, uses foul language, hates cats, gets angry easily, …)

Get past the shallow things and find around ten things for each list that really matter in life in and marriage. I know we are talking about just a date, not marriage, but think similar criteria should apply.

What Do We Do?

I suggest you spend a little time pre-dating, getting to know a little about the person through interacting with them in a casual or group settings first. That way you can get a feel for if you have any common interests. If there are certain things you both enjoy,

Hey, This is Todd. Due to a death in the family, I did not release a new blog post this week. But, I did go back and release a podcast episode based on a pivotal blog post from March 2017 that I have mentioned several times lately titled Are They Marriage Material? Check Your List.

See you next week. Thrive On!

Todd

Still Single For Valentine’s Day

Yeah, it’s Valentine’s Day, and your still single. It seems like everyone else is celebrating love and romance with their special someone while you can only dream about having someone with whom you can hold hands, kiss and otherwise share life. What kind of masochist dreamed up this holiday? Was it created solely to make single people feel lonely and unlovable? Probably not, but it sure feels that way sometimes.

And unfortunately, that is the net result, it tends to become a Singleness Awareness Day where single people feel like their faces get rubbed in the fact that they are still single. I would remind you again though that this is not the intent, but for the unattached, at times it sure feels that way.

If it makes you feel any better, lots of married folks don’t fare much better on Valentine’s Day. A lot of the time it ends up being at least a bit of a letdown for them too. It sets the romance bar so high that most people feel like they fall way short. For the married or still single alike, it sets the stage for disappointment. It builds up unrealistic expectations to which few people can ever measure up.

Expectations

So, what’s a single person to do?

My advice to married people and those still single is very similar. Try to have some realistic expectations for Valentine’s Day. It probably will not be as awesome or horrific as you imagine.

It is so easy to let your imagination run wild and think about how perfect life would be if only you had someone to celebrate Valentine’s Day with. But, why would you think that? Are any other holidays perfect? Is anything ever perfect?

Things very rarely live up to the perfect images we build in our mind. If you were married before, were Valentine’s Days all you ever hoped for back then? I doubt it, at least not on a regular basis.

On the other hand, was last Valentine’s Day as bad as you thought it would be? Often the dread of something is a lot worse than the thing itself.

What You Make It

Try to keep this in mind – every day is what you make of it. That includes ordinary days, work days, vacation days, special days and holidays. That includes Valentine’s Day.

This Valentine’s Day will be pretty much what you decide to make of it. Just like in all of life, you have a lot of effect on what this day will be like. So, plan on doing something you enjoy. Plan on spending it in the company of some good, like-minded, positive friends. And, plan on it being not quite as good or as bad as you expect. That is the way life usually happens, it usually ends up somewhere in between.

Attitude

And even if you can’t make something good happen on Valentine’s Day, you still have complete control over your attitude about it. Your joy and peace of mind are not dependent on what happens on any particular day. You only have so much control over what will happen on a certain day. But, you do have absolute control over how you will feel about and react to the events of the day.

Okay, pop psych test: is the girl in the picture at the top of this post feeling lonely? Or, is she on some grand adventure relishing her solitude? How she feels in that moment is largely the result of her intention for and planning of that day.

How you think she feels in that moment might say something about your attitude toward your singleness. Have you learned to appreciate the good in it?

Thrive On

So, this Valentine’s Day manage your expectations,

Basics

One of the basic tenets of thriving as a single person is learning to become more attractive. The two are interrelated and synergistic. The more you learn to thrive the more attractive you become and the more attractive you become the more you thrive.

So, how do you get that ball rolling? How do you become more attractive? I’m glad you asked. Here are a few basics.

Physical Attractiveness

We tend to think of physical attractiveness as something we are either born with or not born with. And while it is true that when it comes to body type and facial features some people are more genetically blessed than others, thank God, that is not the entire story.

Even for those of us not born with great genetics, there are things we can do to become more attractive.

Healthy

It almost goes without saying, but I have to say it, staying in good physical health helps you look and feel more attractive. Do not underestimate the value of giving your body nutritious food, exercise, and enough good, sound sleep.

Like I mentioned a few weeks back, out of shape and sleep deprived is not a good look. You might need to rearrange your schedule to work in more home cooking, some exercise, and a good night’s sleep. It takes a little time and effort and perhaps forming some new habits, but it is both doable and worth it.

Well Groomed

It does not matter how genetically blessed you are if your grooming habits are lax. There is no excuse for habitually going out in public smelling like gym socks or looking like someone just roused you from your winter hibernation.

Here again, I feel like this should go without saying, but for God sake, bathe, brush your teeth, and style your hair – every day. Who knows? Your next trip to the grocery store you could find yourself talking to someone on whom you would like to make a good first impression. I’ve been told that you never get a second chance to do that.

For those of us not as genetically blessed, these things are especially important. But even if you have a killer body, piercing blue eyes, and those supermodel high cheekbones, bad breath is still a major turn off.

Properly Dressed

I cannot emphasize this enough. Even if you are indeed going to Wal-Mart, do not dress like someone from a ‘People of Wal-Mart’ video – ever.

Dress for the occasion. You don’t show up at church in a mini skirt. You don’t wear flip-flops to a dinner party, maybe a barbecue or a luau, but not an actual dinner party. And you never wear a sport coat to the zoo in August south of the Mason Dixon Line. In other words, dress right for the season, the location, and the occasion.

It’s also important to dress modestly. I’m not saying to always wear boxy, unflattering clothes. To the contrary, you should dress to deemphasize your weaknesses and enhance your strong points, but not to the point of showing off. Remember, if you dress to show off your body the interest you get will mostly be from people who are interested in your body.

Aside from that, some of my best advice about clothing would be to go through your closet. If there is anything you don’t feel super attractive in, get rid of it. And when you go clothes shopping, only buy clothes that make you feel attractive and confident when you wear them.

Emotionally

Ah, confidence, that brings us to the second area of attractiveness, emotional attractiveness. Physical attractiveness is important, but it is not all important. Equally important is learning to be more attractive emotionally. Even the most physically attractive person is unattractive if they are an emotional wreck.

Confident

The ancient saying is exactly right – Faint heart never won fair lady.

Just Get Over It

How many times have people told you to just get over it? As I wrote two weeks ago, I got over a lot of my issues as a single person. But of course, there are some things I just never got over.

First off, I would like to tell everyone telling everyone else to get over it, to get over it. There are no instant cures for this stuff. Some things take more than a simple admonishment to get over it to get over it.

Things I Never Got Over

Two weeks ago I wrote a blog post about the things I did right while I was single. In that post, I said I would write later about the dumb things I did while I was single. Toward that end, this week I want to admit to a few things I never quite got over while I was single. On some of them I did make some progress, but I never completely got over them.

Physical Touch

I have always been a touchy-feely type of person. One of the things I missed the most after my divorce was kissing, hugging, and just touching in general. A bed can be a great big empty place when you sleep in it alone night after night, year after year, with no one else in it to kiss, cuddle with, or otherwise touch.

I tried various things. An extra pillow to hug on helped some. In fact, I know of quite a few singles who bought those huge body pillows just for that purpose. They all told me that it helped – at least to some degree.

Something I couldn’t try, because of my apartment, was having a pet. Owning, and more specifically petting a dog has proven health benefits. Just like when you touch a person, it measurably lowers your heart rate, lowers your blood pressure, decreases your stress hormones, increases your relaxation hormones, and decreases your risk of cardiovascular disease. 

But, both of these things can only help so much. Petting your dog is good for you and the dog, but it’s not quite the same as holding your spouse. I never got over that desire to have someone next to me. I think for most of us this may be an innate need.

Jealousy

I hate to admit it, but I never got over being jealous. Every time someone got married or even engaged, as happy as I was for them, I still felt jealous. If it was a woman I knew, I would think “Aw man! That’s one less option for me.” If it was a man I knew, I would always wonder if maybe God loved him a little more than He loved me.

Please don’t get me wrong. I was genuinely happy for them, but I was still jealous. I knew better. It wasn’t helpful or right. But, honestly, I was still jealous. This was especially true when it was someone who had not been single very long, the people I wrote about last week who make it look easy.

The only advice I have here is to love the people around you and be happy for them. And, never give up hope that if you really desire to get married you, more likely than not, will eventually get your turn.

If you have any advice on getting over jealousy, please share t it the comment section.

Sex

Where do I even begin with this one? I have written about my struggles with my sex drive in several posts. Be sure check out a few of these. The thing is that sex is something we are all hardwired to seek after. And for those of us who were married then became single, there is a huge void in our life. Something important that we really enjoyed is now missing.

So yeh, all the years I was single again I never completely got over missing sex. But, and this is an important but, I never let that urge drive me to marry too quickly or get into a sexual

Still Single

It doesn’t matter if you’ve been single six months or sixteen years, the question is always the same. Why am I still single? Everyone else makes it look so easy. It seems like I’m the only one struggling this much and staying single this long.

Truth and Untruth

Sometimes it’s true. There are people who just make it look easy. They always seem to have a date and when they don’t they have something cool going on with their friends.

Other times, things are not as they appear. Your perception is that they are doing great, but actually, in private they are struggling – just like you.

But enough about them. What about you? Why are you still single?

There’s Something Wrong With Me

At times in our journey as singles, we have all wondered if we are still single because there is something wrong with us. I know I did.

Yes There Is, But …

The truth is that there is something wrong with you, probably multiple things. The same goes for me. But, the truth is that there are also multiple things wrong with the people you think make it look easy. No one is perfect. Thank God, the truth is that you do not have to be perfect to be successful at singleness or at marriage.

It’s Fixable

Also, your problems are probably not irreparable. The overwhelming majority of us don’t have some deep-seated defect that will keep us from ever having a satisfying relationship. Your issues are more than likely things that, with a little knowledge and coaching up, can be fixed. You are not doomed to be single forever. Whatever flaws you do have can, not only be fixed, but can actually, with proper care, become your strengths.

God Is Punishing Me

The real reason you are still single is that you have committed an unpardonable sin and God is angry with you. It wasn’t a sin quite bad enough to warrant smiting you so He just banished you to the joyless Land of Forgotten Singles where there is weeping and gnashing of teeth.

Not

Actually, no, He didn’t. You will be relieved to find out that God is actually on your side. In fact, He is merciful, quick to forgive, and loves to give good things to His children. You just have to stop working against Him and learn to work with Him and do things His way.

It is important to realize that God is not all vengeance and wrath. He is also mercy, grace, and compassion. Those traits extend to places you would never believe possible. Whatever it is that you think God is punishing you for, confess it, repent of it, and know that He loves you. That is His nature.

I Haven’t Met the Right Person Yet

Most people believe they are still single because they have not met the right person yet. A lot of times this is closely linked to the myth that there is one special person out there just for you. If that is what you believe, I have good news for you. It’s not true. There are many people to whom you could be happily married.

3.5 Billion Possibilities

That being said, maybe you haven’t met someone you could see yourself being married to. Maybe you live somewhere where there is a very limited pool of prospects. Or, maybe you, like me, are hard to match. Here’s more good news. There are now over seven billion people alive on planet Earth. That’s billion – with a “b”. Slightly more than half of them are male and slightly less than half are female. That gives you a pool of about three point five billion possible matches – give or take a few hundred thousand. So,

My Story

As I stated last week, I want to start the new year by getting back to basics. So, my posts for the next few weeks will deal with some of the basics of learning to thrive as a single person. 

In last week’s post, I gave my description of what a thriving single life looks like and a few tips on how to get there. As I thought about different aspects of that and started getting my ideas together for the next few posts, it brought me back to my time as a single in midlife and some of the things I did right as a single person.

Of course, I did some dumb things too. Maybe I’ll share those with you in a future post. But for this week, let’s concentrate on the positive. Here are a few of the smartest things I did as a single person.

I Got Over My Ex

One of the smartest things I did was to take the time to get over my ex in a healthy way – without a rebound relationship, a chemical crutch, or a string of emotionless one-night stands.

Like everyone going through a breakup or divorce, I went through the bootlicking stage where I would have done almost anything legal to win my ex back. I also went through the anger stage where just looking at her made my blood pressure go up. You can’t help but be affected by that big of a loss.

We all like to think that there is some grand gesture, some grandiose thing we can do, some sublimely eloquent thing we can say or write that will make it all better and get things back to the way they were. But, there comes a time when you have to realize that there is nothing you can do. When someone makes the choice and moves on, it is pointless to sit around thinking about them year after year.

The truth is that as time went on I was perfectly fine without her. My happiness and well-being are not dependent on one person’s acceptance or rejection of me. And, come to find out, there are lots of people who think pretty highly of me.

I began to thrive as a single person as I got over my ex. A big part of that was a program called DivorceCare. I can’t say enough good things about that program. If you have been through a bad breakup or a divorce, do yourself a huge favor and check it out here.

I Stayed In My Church’s Music Ministry

Staying in my church’s music ministry was one of the smartest things I did. It was good on three different levels.

One way it was good was because I was part of a group. It was an opportunity for regular fellowship and camaraderie. That kept me connected to people I had something in common with.

Another good thing about it was that it was something I did to help others. Helping others is a great way to start thriving. It takes your focus off of yourself and helps you focus outwardly on the needs of others. In the case of the music ministry that meant the needs of the ministry team and the needs of the congregation.

A third way it was helpful was that it kept me spiritually healthy. There is something about participating in corporate praise and worship that refreshes your spirit and keeps you God-focused rather than problem-focused.

I Got Involved With a Singles Group

Another one of the smartest things I did was getting involved with a singles group. That gave me the opportunity to interact with singles of the opposite sex in a healthy, safe environment.

I should specify here that I found a very healthy singles group with leaders who taught us t...