A Test Drive?

But, what about sexual compatibility? How do you know if you are sexually compatible if you don’t have sex? That is one of the biggest objections to abstinence I hear. It’s right up there with “I have needs” and “everybody does it”. And, like other such sentiments, it is just another excuse for people to do what they want to do. Justification is an art most of us are pretty skilled at.

It is bad enough that this attitude is rampant in pop culture, but it has also infiltrated the church. I was shocked at how many times I heard people express that attitude in our DivorceCare groups and our Christian singles group.

I even had a Christian woman I was communicating with via eHarmony say it to me directly. She outright told me that there was no way she would marry someone without giving them a test drive first to make sure they were sexually compatible. And, she was not just a pew warmer. She was actively involved in her church.

Sexual Compatibility?

I want to spend our time together this week dealing with this whole sexual compatibility thing. What is it with this culture that we have elevated sexual compatibility to this exalted place? And, what does that even mean?

Compatible Equipment

Is it a matter of having compatible equipment? More than likely you can check off that box without a sexual test drive.

If you are both human, there is a pretty good chance your pieces will fit together in a pleasurable way. While there is some variance in sizes, and some people have a preference one way or the other, unless you and your spouse are at totally opposite ends of the spectrum, you should be okay on that front.

Even if you are a size mismatch, it’s not the end of the world or even the end of sexual fulfillment. There are ways of dealing with that. That being said, if size does matter to you, you should definitely have that conversation about that with anyone you are seriously interested in.

Compatible Desires

Or, is it a matter of sexual preferences? Is sexual compatibility a matter of liking the same positions, the same duration, or the same frequency? To be sure, those things are important, but a) are they what makes sex great and b) are they something that requires a test drive to figure out?

Like I said about size, if you have some peculiar sexual proclivity you need to talk about it with anyone you start to get serious about. Whether it is a size concern or a taboo sexual desire, any perspective mate needs to know about your sexual desires and expectations.

Talking about those things is a part of growing together as a couple. It is important to marry someone with whom you can engage in serious conversation about any important topic. Talking through difficult subjects leads to greater understanding and greater intimacy.

Misplaced Priorities

That is what makes sex great – intimacy – feeling connected to someone enough to commit to them for life. We have gotten our priorities completely backward. We glorify sex as the be all and end all of the human experience.

What about honor, self-control, or delayed gratification? What about knowing and being known, unconditional love, and commitment? Those things are dismissed as pie in the sky, old-fashioned, impractical, or impossible.

We seek after sexual fulfillment and sexual compatibility. Meanwhile, the things that actually matter and make a marriage great, like intimacy, commitment, and mutual respect get neglected. We ignore the most important things and put our sexual cart before our relational horse.