Thrive Singles Podcast

Thriving?

What does thriving as a single person look like? 

I have been writing and podcasting for the last year about how to thrive as a single person. Hopefully, you have found these blog posts and podcast episodes helpful.

To begin this year, I want to get back to basics. I want to start this week by defining what it means to thrive as a single person and giving you a few tips on how to get there. So, what does a thriving single life look like? Let me paint that picture for you.

You Don’t Feel Pressured to Marry

A thriving single does not feel pressured to get married. That is not to say that people don’t try to pressure you. It means that you have become immune to the pressure that society and your friends and family try to put on you. You will get married if and when you decide you want to.

How to Get There

You get to that point by becoming complete within yourself and not being needy. If you are financially stable, emotionally strong, and you have your sex drive under control, what’s the rush to get married? If in the course of getting to know people you find one you want to spend the rest of your life with, then you’ll get married. You’ll marry because it’s what you want, not because of external or internal pressure.

If you are feeling pressured, my post about dealing with the pressure to date might be helpful.

You Date as Often as You Like

Some people like to go out a lot. Others are more introverted and don’t need as much interaction. But, to be healthy as a single person, I believe it is important to spend some purposeful, quality time with people of the opposite sex.

Learning to relate to people of the opposite sex is essential to thriving as a single person. I believe it’s also an essential part of finding a spouse if marriage is something you desire.

How To Get There

There are two sides to this. If you are feeling pressure to date and aren’t ready to or just have zero desire to, check out the post I referenced above. It may be time to give some people in your life a little “just stop it” therapy.

On the other hand, most singles have the opposite problem. If you do want to go on more dates and can’t seem to make that happen, there are things you can do. Doing the same things you have been doing will get the same results you have been getting. Basically, if you want different results, change some things.

Change your self. Grow as a person. Become whole and confident. Start exercising. Read more. Dress better. Make yourself into that interesting, attractive person that the kind of person you would want to marry would be interested in.

Change your perspective on dating. Rethink why you want to date, what the purpose of dating is, and what kind of people you want to go out on dates with.

Change where you look. Maybe clubs and bars aren’t the places to find the kind of people who are worth marrying or even spending time with. Maybe you need to go to the places where the kind of people worth dating go.

For more on those things check out this post and this post.

You Are Growing as a Person

Thriving as a single person begins with thriving as a person. It begins with growing into the person you want to be. As Andy Stanley taught me, become the person the person you are looking for is looking for.

How To Get There

Never stop trying to become the very best version of ...

Another Year, Another Resolution

Every January people make grandiose New Year’s resolutions that fall by the wayside – usually by sometime in early February. The problem is that resolutions without a plan of action are, more or less, just a wish list.

What do you want the coming year to be like? Do you have things you want to make happen this year? In general, almost everyone wants to make more money, have better relationships, lose some weight, learn something new, eat better, exercise more, and de-clutter their home.

Get S.M.A.R.T.

I read self-help books by and listen to podcasts by several very smart people. I’m not going to lie to you and tell you I have this all figured out because I don’t. In fact, I’m writing this as much for me as for you. But, every time I take a small step toward implementing the things I learn, life gets a little better. Somewhere in my self-help journey, I was introduced to S.M.A.R.T. goals. There are slight variations, but the basic idea behind S.M.A.R.T. goals is that your goals should be:

* Specific

* Measurable

* Achievable

* Relevant

* Time-Bound

Let’s look at a few examples.

More Spiritual

Saying I want to be more spiritual this year is just a wish. Let’s turn that into a S.M.A.R.T. goal. You can plan to do specific things like read your Bible every day, pray every day, attend church regularly, and tithe on your income. Those things are specific.

And, they are measurable. You can measure how many times per week you read your Bible, how often you pray and attend church, and how much money you give.

Are these goals achievable? Yes. But, even high-performance automobiles take some period of time to get from 0 to 60. Maybe you need some intermediate steps to help you get going. Depending on your current schedule and financial situation, you may need to work up to reading your Bible every day or tithing a full 10% over a period of time – a specific period of time.

Are these goals relevant? Do they actually lead to living a more spiritual life?

Are these goals time-bound? When are you going to read your first passage of scripture? When are you going to give your first tithe?

More Dates

Let’s try another one. Saying you want to go on more dates this year is a good resolution, but without S.M.A.R.T. goals, it’s just a wish. Make it specific. How often do you want to go out on a date? That’s a number. That is measurable. Is it an achievable number?

What do you need to do to make that number an achievable goal? Are there other goals you need to achieve to make that goal achievable? Like improving your conversation skills, your wardrobe, your physical appearance, your self-confidence, your body language? Getting out and meeting and talking to more people?

Are those things relevant to getting more dates? You bet.

When are you going to start working on the things that lead to going out on more dates? When will you go on your first date of the new year?

Break it Down

Another sound strategy is breaking big goals down into smaller goals. Going out on more dates this year is a very nebulous goal, more of a wish. Going out on a date every weekend is a specific, but big and intimidating goal. Striking up a conversation with two or three people – of the opposite sex – who you find attractive – this week, that is a specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, time-bound goal. That will lead to achieving your bigger goal of going on more dates.

Survive or Thrive?

Here it comes again. Christmas is here and you’re still single. Instead of just muddling through it and barely surviving another holiday season, this year start learning to thrive.

That Time of Year

‘Tis the Season – for romancing and coupling up. I remember when I was young, just barely, ’cause it’s been a few decades, but I do remember. Christmas was a time of fun, anticipation, and the point around which the entire kid universe revolved. There may have been a few moments of greed, envy, or selfishness, but it was pretty much a time of innocence, excitement, and wonder.

Then came puberty – and the world changed. Suddenly Christmas became a time of unrealistic social and romantic expectations. In my imagination, my holiday plans danced brilliantly like Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers, but in real life, they sort of just stumbled and staggered around aimlessly like zombies.

It got better when I finally got married and had children. But, then came the divorce. Suddenly the holidays loomed ahead of me like horror-days – like the ones from my teen years, but worse. Instead of merely not dancing or wandering aimlessly like the undead, the holidays were glaring at me menacingly like some movie villain brandishing a cattle prod.

Change

Then things changed. Through a program called DivorceCare, I learned to cope with my new situation better. Through a course I believe was titled Surviving the Holidays, I learned to handle the holidays better. And, through connecting with other singles in a singles group, I gained some support that helped me begin to thrive – even during the holidays.

What Helped

So, if you are struggling during the holiday season, let me recommend a few things you can do that helped me not only survive but thrive in the Christmas Season.

Part of a Group

Even with my introverted nature, the biggest thing I did to start thriving was to become part of a group. I know there are a lot of dysfunctional singles groups out there, but there are some really good ones too. It’s like dating, you may have to go through a few bad ones before you find one that you click with.

Start with your church. If it doesn’t have a good, healthy singles ministry, look around. Look at other church singles groups in your area. Or, even look at ones you may have to travel a bit to participate in. It’s worth driving a few miles to be a part of a healthy, supportive group.

Maybe you could be the one to start a group after you’ve been in a good one for a while and learned how to thrive yourself. Or, maybe you could just connect informally with a few healthy single friends in your area.

Books, Programs, Courses

Another important thing I did was to invest time and effort into learning how to be emotionally healthy. The programs I mentioned before and numerous books and courses helped me to get my mind right.

There are people out there who have been through divorces and been through holidays as singles. Some of them have come up with great, healthy ways of dealing with these things. Take the time to learn from their experiences.

Helping

One of the smart things I did after my divorce was to remain in my church’s music ministry. As I mentioned above, being part of a group is really helpful, but being part of a group that focuses on a good common cause is even better.

So, join a ministry team at your church. Go help out at a food bank. Tutor kids after school. There are so many ways you can help other people. In doing so,

Lies About Married Life

The multiplicity of lies many single people believe have terrible effects on their life as a single person. Some of these beliefs not only affect their singleness but later on affect their marriage as well. But, today I want to deal specifically with lies singles believe about what married life will be like.

If you ever want to get married and stay married for life, kill these lies now. Otherwise, believing these lies might kill your marriage later.

Lie: After We Get Married

They Will Change

Let’s start with this huge lie. After we get married they will:

* grow up

* lose their bad habits

* be more responsible

* love me more

* stop belittling me

* respect me more

* go to church with me more

* realize how lucky they are to have me

* stop trying to change me

*                                                             (insert your own wish/pipe dream here)

Truth:

The truth? Who they are now is a pretty good indicator of who they will be after you get married. And, how they act now is pretty much how they will act after you get married. In fact, the sad truth is that in most cases the behaviors you don’t like get even worse after you get married. If they act unloving or disrespectful in their life as a single, they will probably do more of the same or worse in married life.

Marriage and Change

You are thinking that after you get married the reality of being a married person will help them straighten up. Meanwhile, they are thinking that once they get married they can finally relax and be who they really are because now they are married and no longer have to impress you.

The bottom line is that they may indeed change after you get married, but it might be for the worse instead of for the better. This could simply be irritating behaviors, but it could also be dangerous, reckless, or abusive behaviors. So, the best thing to do is to make sure of what kind of person someone is before you get too close or start thinking about marriage.

Self Deception

The worst thing you can do is get too close too quickly and get physically involved, then try to figure out if they are the kind of person you should marry. Once you are involved your rose-colored glasses are in place and you lose all objectivity. That’s when you start telling yourself lies about married life changing them.

Lie: After We Get Married

My Spouse Will Meet All My Needs

Okay, lie number two. After you get married your spouse will meet all your needs for:

* romance

* affection

* conversation

* emotional support

* financial security

* sex

*                                     (fill in your unmet need/unrealistic demand here)

Truth:

The truth? Not only is that unrealistic but it is actually impossible for two people, no matter how much they love each other, to meet all of each other’s needs and fulfill all of each other’s desires. Most of us love our spouses dearly and will do all we can for them. But, we are only human. There are limits to what we can do for each other. But there are no limits on what we can expect from each other. So, you can see the inherent problem there.

That is one of the reasons I always stress the importance of thriving as a single person first. Going into a marriage needy sets your up for a dysfunctional marriage. Going into a marriage with all kinds of unrealistic expectations leads to disappointment. And, each of you having your own list of things you expect the oth...

More Lies

Last week I wrote about three lies that Christian singles believe. That is an important post. Please go back and read it if you haven’t. But, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that was just the tip of the iceberg.

And, since our actions spring from what we believe, it is important to make sure that what we believe is true. So, here are three more lies you need to stop believing.

Lie: You Have to Get Married to be Happy and Fulfilled

I pointed out last week that these lies can come from family, friends, and society. This one comes from those a lot of times, but I think it is the one we may be most likely to tell ourselves. When you feel lonely and needy it’s easy to think getting married will make it all better.

The Truth:

The truth is in my prolonged second singleness I learned to be happy and fulfilled and so can you. Life is more than marriage. It is learning, building, doing, experiencing, growing, and helping. Life is God, friends, and family. It is discovering your purpose, living it out in this world, and storing up treasures for the next.

To define fulfillment and happiness so narrowly misses the point of the bulk of what life is. I wrote recently in defense of marriage. Marriage done right is a wonderful thing. Marriage is the proper context for sex and child-rearing. But, marriage is not necessary to bring meaning, fulfillment, or happiness to life. You find those things as you live with purpose, love your God, and serve your fellow man. Marriage is optional.

Another truth is that you need to be happy and fulfilled before you ever think about getting married. People who enter into marriage needy, unhappy, and unfulfilled will very likely be just as needy, unhappy, and unfulfilled after they get married as they were before.

As I have stated many times before in several posts, learning to thrive as a single person is its own reward. Plus, it gives you in the best chance for a happy marriage.

Lie: All the Good Ones Are Taken

I wish I had a dollar for every time a single told me all the good ones are taken. I have to ask the obvious question. If all the good ones are taken, why are there so many very nice singles of both sexes telling me all the good ones are taken?

The Truth:

The truth is that for every single person saying all the good ones are taken, there is a single person of the opposite sex saying exactly the same thing. So, if you are asking that question, apparently, either you are not looking in the right places or you need to change your definition of a “good one”.

In fact, I believe you should spend a significant amount of time and effort defining what makes someone a “good one”. For more on that, see my post “Are They Marriage Material? Check Your List“.

You could be too hung up on looks or money. You may be underappreciating some excellent prospects right under your nose because you have some twisted ideas of what a “good one” is. Spend some time thinking about what really matters and what attributes lead to a happy marriage. Then spend time developing those attributes in yourself and look for them in people you might want to go out with.

After you properly define exactly what a “good one” is, put some thought into figuring out where you might meet that type of person. It could be that you’ve been looking for love in all the wrong places and wouldn’t recognize it if you found it.

Lies, Lies, Lies

I’ve heard them. You’ve heard them. They’ve been perpetuated by friends, family, and society. We’ve, at times, maybe even believed one or more of them. But make no mistake, they are all lies – all of them.

The thing about believing lies is that you act according to your beliefs. If your beliefs are wrong, you do the wrongs things. If you do the wrong things in relationships, you end up unhappy, lonely, or in a dysfunctional relationship.

Here are a few things that a lot of single people believe that just are not true.

Lie: You Have to Put Out

Okay, let’s start with one of the most common lies singles believe. It’s gotten to the point where this almost goes without saying and is now the new normal. It has become a societal expectation. Having sex is assumed to be a part of dating.

And that attitude is prevalent, even among Christians. I corresponded with someone I met on eHarmony who was otherwise a practicing Christian and involved in her church, but she would not budge on her perceived “need” to sexually try someone out before she married them. This shocked me. It also caused me to lose interest.

The Truth:

The truth is there are lots of people out there who believe like you do, that sex is for married people. You just don’t hear about them very often. That point of view gets either ignored or shouted down most of the time. Society at large cannot fathom dating without sex. But, I can and I know a lot of you can.

In fact, I did. I believed this so deeply that I never dated and never would have considered dating someone who thought sex in dating was okay. The woman I am now married to felt the same way. We both went an extended period of time without having sex before we remarried.

It was difficult, but because we were purposeful, we made it through our dating and engagement without indulging our sexual urges. And we have friends with similar stories. We are a minority, but we are here, we are thriving, and our adherence to our convictions is part of what attracted us and our spouses to each other.

Conviction, Attractiveness, and Regrets

In fact, I would say that living out your convictions will make you attractive to the kind of people you actually want to attract and repel the people you don’t need in your life anyway. It’s a double win.

I don’t have any statistics to back this up, but in my life experience, I have never seen not having sex keep anyone from finding a good spouse. In fact, it has probably saved many of us from bad mistakes and from needless heartache. I have never known anyone who regretted not having sex before they got married. But on the other hand, I have seen many people regret doing it.

Lie: You Have to Be Really Good Looking

Another lie singles commonly believe is that dating and finding a spouse is dependent on being blessed with really good looks. I believe I personally disproved that one.

The Truth:

The truth is that some amount of physical attraction is necessary for a marital relationship. But, while physical attraction will get you noticed more easily and quickly, most people are more interested in how they feel when they are around you. If you are engaging, attentive, genuine, humorous, encouraging, thoughtful, kind, and confident, you don’t have to be the best-looking person around to attract attention. Of course, it also helps if you add in good grooming, good personal hygiene, and dressing appropriately for the occasion too.

Plus,

Another Thanksgiving as a Single

So, you find yourself at yet another Thanksgiving Dinner single and without a date. When you look around the table and see lots of people with their spouse or significant other or at least a date, it’s a lot easier to think about what you don’t have than to be thankful for what you do have.

How can you have an attitude of gratitude? How can you, as the Bible commands, give thanks in all circumstances? I have to admit that as a divorcee in my forties, it was a lot easier to grumble and complain than it was to be thankful. But, even in the worst of it, I still found things I could be thankful for.

Thankfulness in Small Things

For one, my mom and dad were still alive and well. For another, one of my grandparents was still alive and well. And the more I thought about it, the more reasons I found to be thankful. Maybe I didn’t get to spend as much time with my children as I would have liked, but at least my ex didn’t move them out-of-town or out-of-state. Money was tight, but I had food to eat and a place to stay.

I lived alone except for a few blessed days every other week when my kids were with me. But, after a while, I became thankful for that alone time. It had value. I was more spiritual, more creative, and more connected to friends and family than I had been in a long time. Just having the use of all of my extremities, being, pretty much, in my right mind were reasons to be thankful. Having the mental capacity to ponder the meaning of life and happiness is a reason for thankfulness.

Why, Why, Why

For the record, I was not always thankful. I tend toward depression and I fought with all the thoughts you would expect. I resented the time I didn’t have with my children. It bothered me that when I did have them it freed up my ex to go spend time with another man. And, even with my introvert tendencies, spending so much time alone got old at times.

With each passing year, I thought more and more that I would die single and alone. I wondered why, why, why. Why did I have to go through this? Why couldn’t I find someone? If God loved me, why did I have to go so many years without the emotional and sexual intimacy I so desperately desired?

I can’t promise you that your story will turn out great or that you will find and marry that successful, attractive person of your dreams. But, I can tell you this – life is much better when you learn to be thankful for what you do have. And, I can also tell you that you will be more attractive to higher quality people when you learn to be thankful and stop spending your time whining and complaining.

Thankfulness and Control

There are lots of things in this world you have no control over.

* Other people’s actions and choices

* How people treat you

* The economy

* How people drive or treat each other

* The price of groceries or rent

There are some things you have limited control over. You can probably have at least some impact on these things.

* Your health – genetics might work against you, but you can exercise and eat better

* Your appearance – here again, genetics might work against you, but dressing well and practicing good hygiene and grooming goes a long way

* Your income – the economy might work against you, but you can always look for or try to create opportunities

But, there is one thing you always have complete control over – your attitude. Whatever your situation, you can choose to be thankful – whether circumstances warrant it or not.

Yeh, Yeh, Heard It Before

I know.

Under Pressure

We’ve all heard these questions. So, who are you dating now? Are you dating anyone yet? Why aren’t you dating yet? Are you gay?

We’ve all been the recipient of lots of encouraging words. You’re so pretty, I know you’ll find someone. You’re such a great catch, I can’t believe you aren’t dating anyone. I know there’s someone special out there just for you.

We’ve all heard the cliché advice. Just be patient. Good things come to those who wait. You need to smile more. 

And, more advice. You’re just trying too hard. You’re not trying hard enough. You should lose a little weight. Color your hair. Dress to impress. Don’t be so pretentious, dress down a little. Be more accessible. Be more aloof and play hard-to-get. You gotta learn to play the game. You need to stop playing games and get serious.

All of that advice is given with the express purpose of helping you to start dating. Because, obviously, if you are not dating within their expected time frame, your life has no meaning and you are doomed to be lonely and unfulfilled forever.

All in the Timing

As I explained in a previous post, I do believe you should not date, as in having some sort of marriage-lite long-term relationship. But, I do believe should date, as in going out and having a little non-sexual, non-romantic fun with people of the opposite sex. That is good and healthy and profitable for learning about yourself and other people.

That being said, if you have been through a divorce, breakup, or bereavement, you should be the one who decides when you are ready to date again. Only you know where you are mentally and how ready you are emotionally. Don’t let outside pressure rush you into something you are not ready for.

Or, maybe you haven’t been through a divorce, breakup, or bereavement. Maybe you, for whatever reason, just, for now, don’t want to date. There is nothing wrong with that. Taking a little time off and just being single is exactly the right thing to do sometimes.

Where Does it Come From?

So, where does all this pressure come from? It comes at you from everywhere. Some of it comes from external sources like friends, family, and society, but some of it also comes from your own internal drives too.

Friends and Family

A lot of pressure comes from those closest to you, your friends and family.  Please understand, they usually do it with the best of intentions. They are probably not doing it to annoy you or make you feel bad. Probably. I don’t know your family. I guess I can’t rule it out for some of you. But, for most of you, your family and friends just want to see you happy.

And to be happy, obviously, you need to be in a relationship. If you are not, you must be lonely, unfulfilled, and unhappy.

Society

Our culture glorifies dating to the point of ridiculousness. Being happily unattached is as foreign to modern society as tithing, saving sex for marriage, or going to church every Sunday. They have no frame of reference.

Almost every major book, film, television show, recording artist, celebrity, or news outlet has the underlying perspective of sex being for any consenting adults, dating being a sexual relationship, and living together being the new normal. It takes strong convictions to stand up to this constant media barrage.

Yourself

If all of that isn’t enough, you also have to contend with your own internal drive to be part of a couple. There is a natural yearning in our hearts for companionship and intimacy. But, your internal pressure gets amplified even further by all the outside pressures y...

Red Flags and Rose-Colored Glasses

No matter how skilled someone is at crafting an attractive persona, you can usually find subtle clues to their true character. If you know where to look, you can spot the red flags. So, why do we so often miss them? Why is it so hard to see the warning signs?

When you first become interested in someone, there is an initial phase of attraction that can be pretty intoxicating – literally. It triggers the same dopamine release in your brain as drugs or alcohol. This is especially true for people who rush into physical affection and doubly true for those who start having sex.

When you experience that much pleasure from having someone’s attention, the last thing on your mind is finding reasons why being around them is a bad idea. You don your rose-colored glasses and notice all of their good qualities. In this dopamine-fueled haze, all their bad or even potentially dangerous characteristics are invisible.

Slow Your Roll

That is why I encourage singles to slow down. Delay getting physically involved with anyone until you can get to know their character. Stay out of romantic situations until you have formed a realistic picture of who they are. There is time for that later.

People love to rush past the getting to know you stage and get right into the romantic and sexual stage. That is why so many people miss huge red flags. Yes, some people are very skilled at hiding who they are. But, you give yourself a greater chance to see them more clearly if you take it slow.

Do They Pressure You?

In fact, how they react to you taking it slow is a good indicator of what kind of person they are. One big red flag is pressure. If someone makes a habit of pressuring you to do things their way, rush into a relationship, or modify your boundaries, they do not have your best interests at heart. Red flag.

Do They Manipulate?

Some people are extremely skilled at manipulation. Overt manipulation is usually easy to spot. It takes a little more time and effort to spot the subtle manipulation tactics some people use. Whether it’s playing on your sympathy, rushing you to make decisions, or any number of advanced manipulation tactics, any type of manipulation is a danger sign.

Do They Try to Isolate You?

One of the biggest things to look out for is someone trying to isolate you from your friends and family. If they constantly talk bad about your friends and family and try to pit you against them, beware. Red flag. At best they are insecure and your relationship with them will be dysfunctional. At worst – they could be dangerous.

Do They Exhibit Addictive Behaviors?

If you want a truly terrible relationship get with someone who is addicted – to anything. It could be drugs, food, sex, alcohol, porn, or whatever. The exact nature of the dependency is not the main issue. The main issue is that there will always be something in their life that is more important than you. Whenever there is a choice to make between your wellbeing and their getting what they need, your wellbeing will always lose. Huge red flag.

How Do They Treat People?

Of course, they treat you well – at least at first while they are trying to win you over. Remember, you see the best they can be in that first stage. If they do not treat you well at first, don’t think you can correct that later. It will only get worse as time goes on.

But, aside from that, how do they treat their parents? The waiter or waitress? Your friends? Their ex? People who disagree with them? The way you see them treating other people is the way they will, sooner or later, treat you.

How Do They Speak?

The Bible says that out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.

Lost Virginity

Okay, first, let’s get the bad news out of the way. Second virginity is not the same as virginity. Once you have sex you are no longer a virgin. That ship has sailed. There is no do-over. It is not truthful or accurate to call yourself a virgin. A virgin is by definition someone who has not had sex. Period.

Your Point?

Okay, that may seem a tad harsh, but as they say, it is what it is. The definition of virgin is what it is. Now that we have that out-of-the-way, let’s move on.

There are many of you who in a moment of weakness gave up your virginity and now regret it. Some of you were maybe coerced, tricked, or forced into giving up your virginity. Perhaps, an increase in knowledge or a change of heart has left you regretting earlier life decisions. Or, maybe you are like me, maybe you found yourself the victim of a divorce. Where does that leave you? Is there any point to second virginity if you are no longer a virgin?

Yes, there most certainly is.

After my divorce, I joined a program called DivorceCare. That is where I was first introduced to the concept of second virginity. Since then, I have also heard it referred to as “second chance virginity”, “secondary virginity”, or even “revirginization”.

Second Virginity

The concept is simple and important. You can make a decision today to abstain from sex until marriage and be sexually pure from here on. You can deliver to your future spouse the purest you possible. The point is, you cannot change the past, but you can decide what happens next.

Right here, let me address my Christian brothers and sisters. The past is the past. It cannot be undone. But, thank God, there is forgiveness. There is no do-over, but there is a fresh start and a future that is a blank slate waiting to be written.

An Analogy

Here is an analogy for my Christian brothers and sisters. When you are born again, you are not physically born again. You are literally born again, but it is in the spiritual sense, not the physical sense. It is the same for second virginity. By definition, you are not a virgin, but in a spiritual sense you can become pure again in spirit and live in purity from this point on.

Easy? No. Doable? Yes!

The things which are most important, most worthwhile, and most rewarding in this life are seldom the things which are easily done. It is usually the hardest choices to make and the hardest things to do that lead to the best changes in life.

I would suggest to you that one of the biggest reasons there are not more people in the world striving toward purity is not because they don’t think it is a worthy goal or a good thing to do, but because it is hard to do. In fact, a lot of people think it is impossible. Why embark on a quest in which you are so likely to fail? Why swim against considerable social, cultural, and sexual currents?

And yet, more people than you would imagine begin this journey and fight this fight. Not all of them succeed. Some have more success than others. But, speaking for myself, I am glad I made the effort, despite my mixed success. I share a little about that in this related post.

Yet, despite so many failures, many people do achieve a second virginity that they feel great about and are happy to report to their future spouse when the time comes for those types of conversations. It is doable. Many people have done and are doing it. 

But, Why?

But, why bother? Is this a goal worth pursuing? Without a clear vision of why you are striving for purity, you will never attain it. So, why bother?