Thrive Singles Podcast

Expectations: We All Have Them

We all have expectations about what single life should be, what married life will be, and what life, in general, should be. Some of these are reasonable. Others are unreasonable. Some are good and healthy. Others are slowly suffocating our psyche.

Perhaps the most unreasonable expectation of all is that all our expectations will be reasonable. We all mess up from time to time.

Whose Expectations?

Where do our expectations come from? Are they truly our own, or someone else’s?

Family

For the first few years of our life, profoundly formative years, no one has more influence on us than our family – so, choose yours carefully. Okay, you don’t actually have any control over that. We can only hope that they don’t do too much damage before we develop enough understanding to critically examine what they teach us.

Seriously, think about it. How does what they expect of you, influence what you expect of yourself and others? Do they expect too much? Too little? Do they always expect the worst? Or, do they expect perfection?

Family is always a mixed bag. Plan on having to do at least some remedial work as you grow as a person and gain a better perspective on things.

Society

Some expectations are taught to us by society. It seems that everything I read, listen to, or watch is pushing some agenda, some lifestyle, or some ideology. As you consume any media of any type, it will subtly affect your thinking. There is a cumulative effect and it will affect what you expect from life, yourself, and relationships.

However, unlike our family, we do have a lot of control over what we see and hear. If we have unrealistic expectations, it is probably due in large part to what we allow into our ear gates and eye gates. To paraphrase Zig Ziglar – you can change your expectations by changing what goes into your mind. When it comes to your eyes and ears, learn to be a better gate keeper.

Peers

Another source of our expectations are the people we work with, hang out with, and otherwise spend significant time with. Like culture and unlike family, this is another place we have a lot of control. Exercise that control. Spend as much time as possible with people who help you get your mind right and as little time as possible with people who warp your thinking.

Our Self

Some expectations come from our own thinking – kind of. To a large extent, I believe that we absorb them from society, our family, and our peers. Conditioned by what we see and hear from the aforementioned sources, we gradually accept the world view and expectations of other people or institutions as our own.

So, be careful little eyes what you see. Be careful little ears what you hear. The only way to trust our own expectations is to make sure we feed our brain a steady stream of good stuff and spend time around people who influence us for good.

Life Experience

Sometimes our unrealistic expectations do come directly from within us and are totally our own. They are forged by our life experience. Whether our life so far has been good or bad, we tend to think the future will be more of the same.

Because we tend to retain things for which we have first-hand knowledge better than things we hear about, things we learn through experience can lead to the hardest patterns of all to break free of. The most insidious thing is that it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. We expect a bad outcome, so we don’t bother to give our best effort. That, of course, leads to a bad outcome and fulfills our doom and gloom prophecy.

It takes major brain reprogramming to overcome that pattern. It may take changing your viewing and listening habits,

Christian Beliefs vs ‘Modern’ Thought

It is my absolute conviction that it should be easier for Christian singles to thrive than anyone else. This, of course, flies in the face of current thought. According to ‘modern’ thinking, the only way to be single is to always be dating someone, have sex often, with or without a long-term commitment, and live together instead of marrying.

According to this thinking, having no sex or even a steady girlfriend, I should have been a miserable single again person. The truth is quite the opposite. Once I got over the initial shock of divorce, I began to thrive in my singleness. Because I lived out my beliefs, I can look back at my single years with a sense of satisfaction and the knowledge that doing it God’s way works best.

Having a lot of single friends and being involved in singles ministry and divorce ministry, I got to see a lot of people try it each way. I saw singles careful to do it God’s way and saw them thrive. I saw people do it the way most people today do it and saw them struggle.

Gettin’ Preachy Wit’ It

Usually, one of my goals with Thrive Singles Blog is to offer up a Christian world view of what singleness should look like without being preachy. Well, today you can put on your Sunday best and wave that hanky – I’m preachin’.

If you want to ultimately thrive as a single, living out your Christianity in the area of dating and sexuality will get you there. When it comes to thriving as a single, Christians should absolutely have the upper hand. I believe this is true for the following reasons: The Love of God, The Presence of God, and The Family of God. Let’s unpack each of those a little.

The Love of God

Two of the basic needs of human beings are love and acceptance. As a Christian single, you have that in abundance. God’s love for you is without equal and without fail. When you are secure in that, it moves you beyond the panicked search for love and acceptance in another person.

That gives you the strength to stay emotionally healthy. Whether any human being finds you attractive or gives you their attention or not, you know God loves you and is looking out for you.

The Presence of God

One of the biggest threats to the single person is loneliness, but in a very real sense, as a Christian single, you are never completely alone. God, in the person of The Holy Spirit, is always with you. Comfort and companionship are never something you lack. God is with you.

The Family of God

As wonderful as the presence of God is, that is not the only thing standing between you and loneliness. You also have the family of God. If you are plugged into a healthy body of fellow believers, you have their fellowship.

If you do not have that, find a body of believers who will offer you Christian fellowship. As a Christian single, you should never be completely alone in this world. You have brothers and sisters who love you. That is a major reason that I was able to thrive as a single.

Christian Singles *Should* Thrive

Yes, Christian singles should thrive. The truth is that Christian singles do not always thrive. I see many struggling. Given all of their advantages, why is that?

Sex Drive

One of the biggest reasons is our sex drive. Being a Christian does not make your sex drive magically disappear. This is especially true for those of us who have a healthy sex drive and were accustomed to having regular sex before we found ourselves single again.

This was a huge issue for me. It is an area for which I cannot offer any simple solution. It’s difficult. I struggled with it constantly. God sees your struggle.

Your Story

Every life tells a story. Maybe a story of adventure or heroism, or perhaps tragedy, or, in lots of cases, mediocrity. The great thing about your story is that you get to write it. You can take a story that seems destined for calamity and give it a plot twist that, in the end, surprises everyone.

So first off, remember – it’s your story. Even if you are born into extremely limiting circumstances, there are always things you have control over and can change for the better. If you were, as I was, the victim of a divorce, there is still a story to be written – and it could still have a romantic twist. But, even if there is no romantic twist, it can still have a very happy ending if you make the effort to carefully create and edit your story.

How Happy Are You with Your Story?

Let me ask you this – how happy are you with your story so far? Then, let me ask you another question – what can you do to make it better? You see, the first question is not what could someone else do to make life better? Or, what circumstances have to change to make life better? The very first questions to ask are: what do you have control over and what can you do to change your story?

So, keeping that in mind, let me ask you again, how happy are you with your story? And, what can you do to change it? Now answer those questions with I can statements – not I wish or if only statements.

Yes, it is indeed painful to make some terrible mistake and have things end badly. As unfortunate as that is, perhaps the most tragic scenario is letting some other person or some circumstance make the decisions and write your story for you. So, don’t let your ex, your critics, or your past determine your future.

Write a Happy Ending

When it comes to your story, make sure to write a happy ending. You deserve a happy ending. Even if you made mistakes, even if you messed up badly, even if people tell you it is beyond repair, write a happy ending for your story. Don’t settle for the fifteen minutes of fame that might come from being the center of some sad soap opera plot or Jerry Spring show script. You deserve better than that.

Tale of a Happy Single

Let’s bring this home to singleness. Why not write a tale of thriving singleness? Does being single again, or single longer than you hoped, doom you to a life of loneliness and unfulfillment? No! You can still author a tale of excitement, adventure, and success.

That could mean thriving as a single the rest of your life or thriving as a single so that you can thrive as a married person later on. Either story starts with thriving now. Your happy ending is not dependent on whether you end up married or single the rest of your life. It is dependent on learning to take control and to be happy no matter what.

It’s Not Too Late for a Rewrite

Here let me state the painfully obvious – the past is what it is. It is immutable and in uneditable. No amount of fretting, regretting, or self-flagellation will change one minor detail of it. You are stuck with it – forever.

However, you can reframe it. You can look to it for clues as to what you need to change to get better results. It can serve as a cautionary tale. You can use it as motivation – a catalyst for changing your future.

Maybe up till now, you have been an unhappy person, resentful that you are still single or single again. Maybe you have been stuck in a relationship revolving door and have gone from one relationship failure to another. It is not too late to change that story.

Do not waste time reliving the past. Create the story you want.

Bad Advice / Good Advice

When I found myself single again at forty, I received a lot of awesome advice. Some of it saved me a lot of heartache. Maybe I’ll write about that some other time. Today, let’s talk about some of worst bad advice people give singles.

Bad Advice:

Get Right Back on That Horse

This is actually great advice … if you’re training for a rodeo. If, however, you have just been through a divorce or a breakup, it’s terrible advice. Some of the most heartbreaking stories I hear come from people who got right back on the dating horse too soon after a breakup.

Rebound Merry-Go-Round

Rebound relationships are the worst. Two people get together because they feel they ‘have so much in common’. In reality, mostly what they have in common is the pain they feel from their recent breakups. They help each other feel better and forget about the pain. But, the pain is always there – just below the surface – undealt with and unhealed.

Once they date a while, eventually, they discover they have little to nothing else in common. Then they break up and deal with that pain plus the pain from the last breakup that they never dealt with. Then they have a choice – deal with this even greater, compounded pain, or numb the pain with yet another rebound relationship. Many choose what they believe to be the easier route and go for another rebound. This cycle can repeat indefinitely.

Better Advice:

Take Time to Heal

Healing takes time. Take a break from dating – a good, long break. If you broke a leg, nobody would tell you to get right back on that leg. Give your heart time to heal up. There will be a time in the future, at an appropriate point in your healing, when you do need to get back on that horse. That time comes later. Don’t rush it.

Which leads us to our next …

Bad Advice:

Time Heals All Wounds

While it does take lots of time to heal wounds, the mere passing of time heals nothing. This advice insists that if you just wait long enough your heart will magically heal itself. Does that work for physical wounds? It may sometimes, for a minor wound, but we are talking about a major wound, a broken heart.

For a severe wound, you would never just give it time to heal. It would take time, but the wound would also need to be properly taken care of. You may need something as simple as a bit of antibiotic ointment and a bandage. But, you may need that wound cauterized or stitched up. Then it might require months of special protection and special care.

Better Advice:

Proper Care Over Time Heals Wounds

If your heart has been broken, that is a severe wound. It will require special, long-term care. You will need to do the things that allow it to heal properly. Keep it out of harm’s way for a while. Don’t expose it to unknown, potentially damaging people. Strengthen it by feeding your mind and spirit a diet of positive, uplifting words. And, apply the healing balm of the love of trusted friends and family liberally.

Bad Advice:

You’re Too Picky!

Anyone who has been single any amount of time has heard this one. The assumption is, if you are still single, it has to be that your standards are too high. If you would just lower your standards and expectations, you could be married.

There are a number of problems with this. How low should one lower their standards? How picky is too picky?

How to Be Unattractive

And here it is – just what you’ve been waiting for – your unscientific, unofficial guide to the top ten ways to be unattractive to the opposite sex.

During the many years I was single again I came across a lot of people very skilled at being unattractive. This unattractiveness included but was not limited to unattractive looks, attitudes, and behaviors. While this was irritating in regards to finding a date, it was very helpful in competing for the attention of someone I was interested in. In many cases, the competition was very skilled at being unattractive.

Anyway, without further ado …

#10 Dress Funny

Wear that outdated, mismatched, worn out clothing that people who love you warn you to never wear in public. Express your quirkiness by bucking accepted style trends – you know – trends like wearing clothes that match, have complementary colors, or fit properly. Also, you could, as a grownup, wear shirts with juvenile sayings on them.

#9 Act Like Your Date is Not Important

Interrupt and talk over your date. In general, make sure that they know you and your opinions are important – them and their opinions – not so much. Pay more attention to other people in the room than to them. For instance, if you are a guy, you could chat-up and/or ogle the waitress. Show up late – especially for no good reason – with no explanation – on multiple occasions.

#8 Be Gross

Pick your nose. Sneeze into your hand then shake hands with people. Forget to use deodorant. Show up with alcohol on your breath and your tongue good and lubricated so you can say all kinds of things you think are very clever. Never check yourself in the mirror before you leave for your date. Just, in general, be gross, unmindful, and unkempt.

#7 Be A Terrible Conversationalist

Only be conversant in one very obscure or morbid subject. Don’t read a lot and don’t keep up with current news stories, sports stories, scientific discoveries, or any other possibly interesting subject.

#6 Be a Debbie Downer

Talk about diseases, natural disasters, lingering infections, your aunt’s toe fungus, your long deceased pet’s tragic death, your distant cousin’s car crash, and all the things you don’t like about everything. Make sure that every time someone changes the subject to happier, more lighthearted matters you seize the opportunity to segue to a very sad or troubling story.

#5 Act Flakey and Unstable

Try to get really serious really quickly. Indicate that you are wanting to get married as soon as possible. Ask lots of really personal questions at the beginning of your first date – bonus points for taking notes.

#4 Talk Incessantly About Your Ex

Nuff said.

#3 Make It All About You

Talk about yourself – a lot. Any time the conversation veers away from you, steer it back – repeatedly and forcefully if necessary. Make frequent use of the words I, me, and my, and stay away from asking about them. Talk a lot about what you need in a spouse and ask if they can handle that.

#2 Lack Self-Confidence

Act shy. Apologize a lot. Put yourself down every chance you get. Remember, they are much too good for you. You don’t deserve to go out with them. In fact, they probably only went on this date because they feel sorry for you.

#1 Be A Jerk

Talk down to people. Act angry and impatient. Brag. Show off. Point out everyone’s faults and how superior you are. Perhaps you could use racial slurs or make fun of a disabled person. Or, you could make a big deal about paying for everything. And, just for good measure, be sure you forget your wallet.

What Did I Forget?

Oh, and one bonus tip, mostly for older guys – go for the comb-over!

Trust Again?!?

Can I ever trust again? That was one of my biggest post-divorce questions. After going through such a huge betrayal, is it possible to once again trust someone with the level of trust it takes to make a marriage thrive?

The Necessity of Trust

Make no mistake. Trust is necessary. I would argue that without trust there can be no intimacy. I believe, and stated recently in another post, that intimacy is the most important thing in marriage. So, if you want a happy marriage, you must have intimacy. And, if you want intimacy, you must trust again. I see no way around this. Trust is essential.

Of course, learning to trust again is much easier said than done.

Not Everyone Is Worthy of Your Trust

It is important to realize that not everyone is worthy of your trust. Some people simply cannot be trusted. Period.

The problem is it can be hard to tell the difference. It takes a little detective work and a lot of time to decide whether or not someone is trustworthy. You need to see people in numerous situations and see how they react to various circumstances before you can pass judgment accurately as to their trustworthiness.

Signs

The ever-quotable Yogi Berra once said, “You can observe a lot by just watching”. The truth is, you can learn a lot about someone’s trustworthiness if you simply observe them for a while. As time goes on, you may begin to notice seemingly small things that could indicate big issues. Here are a few.

If they:

Fudge facts occasionally

Don’t trust others

Are habitually late

Are secretive

Get defensive for no apparent reason

Lack self-control

Or, maybe you have or someone you trust just has a gut feeling that you cannot trust them. If any of these apply, be wary. They are probably not worthy of your trust. Most of the time these little things are telltale signs of big problems.

Relationships should not move to another level of intimacy until you reach a new level of trust. And, trust is a two-way street. As you look for signs that they are trustworthy or not, be ready to prove yourself trustworthy too. I do not mean this in some unhealthy, do something now to prove yourself to me or else kind of way. I just mean that you should both be able to hold up under the type of scrutiny that naturally stems from a healthy curiosity. An innocent question should not elicit an angry or defensive reply.

Trust Is Built Over Time

That short list is not a comprehensive method for proving if someone is trustworthy or not, but it gives you a small sampling of the kind of things to look for. My point is, do not simply assume someone is trustworthy just because you find them attractive and they seem normal. Allow them an opportunity to gain your trust over a significant period of time.

I say over a significant period of time because, as I said earlier, it takes time to see people in lots of different situations and circumstances. What a person is on the inside might take a while to surface in front of you. It might take seeing them in a tough situation before you see their real character come out. So, pay attention and give it lots of time.

Not Everyone Is Your Ex

On the other hand, the good news is not everyone is your ex. Not everyone is evil. Not everyone is the friend who stabbed you in the back when you were most vulnerable. There are still trustworthy people in this world.

An Individual, Not a Group

Every person is different. Judge each person according to his or her own actions. Do not lump all _______ (fill in the blank with a gender,

Freedom

Happy 4th of July to all my fellow Americans!

Thinking about the freedom and liberty we enjoy as citizens of the United States of America also got me ruminating a bit about the advantages and freedoms afforded by the single life.

Do What You Want

Being single means freedom – the freedom to do what you want when you want to do it. Being single means your time and your money are yours to spend in any way you choose. It means not having to answer to someone else. It means not having to yield the TV remote to someone else. Being single means freedom from judgmental eyes when you eat ice cream straight out of the carton. It means when you’re not at work your schedule is your schedule.

One day, according to statistics, if you so desire, you will, more likely than not, marry someone. Along with all the wonderful things that marriage brings, companionship, intimacy, sex, shared responsibilities, also comes accountability.

What you do will more often than not be a joint decision, a collaboration between you and your spouse. Sometimes your decisions will be made together as a couple. Other times the decisions you make will be influenced by your spouse. Not that your spouse will necessarily be manipulative or demanding, it may just be your desire to please them, or their subtle influence on your way of thinking. Either way, your decisions will then derive more from the collective you and less from the single you.

That is not necessarily a bad thing, but it means that you should be thankful for and take full advantage of the freedom you enjoy now as a single person. So, go ahead, wear that shirt your future spouse will probably hate. Eat the stuff your ex thought was gross. Listen to that obscure band your future special someone may not appreciate.

Actually, who knows? While out doing, eating, and listening to what you want you may find yourself in the company of someone else who enjoys those same things.

Be What You Want

But your freedom doesn’t end there. You also have the power to decide who and what you want to be. This is America. You are single. You decide what you believe, what you stand for, what you enjoy, and what you want to make of your life.

Your only limits are your talent and your imagination. Go. Do. Become – while the choice is totally yours.

That is not to say that you entirely give up doing and being what you want when you get married. It could limit your options though, especially if children are involved. If you marry well though, it could open up even more possibilities, possibilities you never imagined.

But, that’s in the future. Who knows what the future holds? As for now, take full advantage of your singleness. Become the person you want to be. That is your right. It is your choice alone. Use that freedom judiciously, but for God sake, use it!

And here again, who knows, while exercising the freedom your singleness provides you may become the person who is incredibly attractive to the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.

Responsibility

I do have one word of caution though. With freedom also comes responsibility. You alone are responsible both for what you do and for who you become.  You alone will reap the rewards or bear the consequences, good or bad, of your decisions. So, use your freedom judiciously. Use it wisely. But, like I said earlier, for God sake, use it!

Trust: Hard to Gain, Easy to Lose

It is hard to build, easy to lose and harder yet to rebuild – trust. As to the latter, that is too difficult to cover in this brief post. I may try to tackle it in another post on another day. Today I want to talk about who to trust.

After my divorce, I never thought I would be able to trust again. After feeling so betrayed, it seemed impossible to even consider trusting someone of the opposite sex. And yet, without trust, there can never be intimacy.

Therefore, if you desire deep intimacy with another human being, you will need to learn to trust. But, as a single, it sometimes seems like a jungle out there. Who can you trust as a date? Who can you trust for advice?

Do Not Trust

I know you know this. Like me, you probably learned it the hard way – by getting your heart broken. But, let me begin by stating the obvious – not everyone is deserving of your trust. So, how do you know who you should trust and not trust? There are, after all, two types of people in this world – people you should trust and people you should not trust.

Actually, there is a third group. There may be people in your life who have failed you in a moment of weakness and who deserve a second chance. We will deal with them in a future post about how to trust again.

Those Who Have Betrayed You

Let’s start with the obvious. If someone has betrayed your trust, why should you trust them again? There are people in this world who simply cannot be trusted. In very rare circumstances there may be a valid reason to give then a second chance. But in the overwhelming majority of instances, you should not trust them. Period. They have proven themselves unworthy of your trust.

Yes Men

Those are easy to spot. The second group is not so obvious. The corporate world calls them ‘yes men’. The thing is, you cannot absolutely trust anyone who sees you as absolutely perfect and who agrees with absolutely everything you say and do. Either they are lying to you or they do not see you clearly enough to understand your strengths and weaknesses. Either way, you cannot trust them – not for advice – not in a relationship.

Naysayers

At the other extreme, some people seem to revel in shooting you down at every turn. There is no possible way that you are as ugly, or as stupid, or wrong as often as they claim you are. When people tell you “you never” or “you always”, that is a clear indication they have no grasp on reality. You cannot trust them.

Just as you are never as perfect as your ‘yes men’ say you are, you are never as bad as your naysayers say you are. Do not go to them for advice and definitely never get into a relationship with one of them.

Your Heart

Follow your heart. That is common advice. I would submit that The Bible is correct when it says that our hearts are deceitful and wicked and inclined toward leading us astray. That is especially true in love and romance, the so-called matters of the heart.

All too often, the prevailing wisdom proves untrustworthy. How many people do you know who have followed their heart into a relationship then followed their heart right back out of the relationship? Apparently, hearts are susceptible to either error or a change of heart so to speak.

Your Head

I would further submit that deciding with your brain alone doesn’t yield much better results. One big problem with doing it that way is we hardly ever actually do think it through objectively. We tend to make a decision with our heart and then use our brain to justify the...

My Love Story

I know – I periodically, predictably mount my virtual soapbox and proceed to pontificate regarding not falling in love too easily and especially regarding not falling in love too soon after a breakup. But, I have to admit, I fell hard shortly after my divorce. Actually, I wish I had fallen in love sooner. It was the best thing that possibly could have happened. I fell in love – with being single!

As with all good love stories, it started with a lingering glance, then a little flirting, then outright seduction. Before long I was hooked. I wanted more. Sure, it wasn’t all wine and roses, violins and chocolates. There were ups and downs. There were times it felt like the honeymoon was over. But, I gave it time and worked it out and the feelings always returned.

I and my singleness rode off into the sunset and lived happily – until I got to know Anita.

The End Beginning

Fade to black.

How to Fall In Love

So, how did I do it? How did I go from heartbroken, forty-something divorcee to thriving single man? More importantly, how can you fall in love with being single?

Familiarity

Get to know each other. The old adage says that familiarity breeds contempt. I find this is only true if the other person is a jerk, or you are a jerk. If you both are not jerks, chances are if you spend enough time together you will start to feel attracted to each other.

Have you ever noticed how easily office romances form? That happens for one simple reason – people who spend a lot of time around each other working toward a common goal tend to bond. Plain and simple. You spend a lot of time together, you grow fond of each other.

So, spend a lot of time just being single. I know I harp on this a lot, but it is important. The more time you spend purposely single without any romantic attachments, the more your fondness for singleness grows.

If you spend most of your time as a single thinking about being in a relationship, you fall in love with falling in love. If you spend most of your time as a single enjoying your singleness, you fall in love with it more and more.

Seeing the Best

When you love someone you see the best in them. And, when you see the best in someone you learn to love them.

Learn to see the best in singleness and you may find it quite attractive. It’s the old glass half empty, glass half full thing. It is a matter of perception. You see what you look for. Look for good, find good. Look for bad, find bad.

Singleness has a lot to offer. Singleness grants freedom to do and become whatever you desire. You do not need to check with a spouse before you decide or seek permission before you act. What you become, how you spend your time, how you spend your money, where you live, who you hang out with, what you eat, what music you listen to, and so many other large and small decisions are yours to make as you see fit.

Trust and Faithfulness

Love affairs blossom when built on trust and faithfulness. The rough patches in my love affair with singleness happened when I was not faithful and flirted with thoughts of other loves. The good thing is that after other loves broke my heart, singleness always welcomed me back with graciousness and open arms.

To fully thrive in your singleness, stay faithful and don’t entertain thoughts of other loves until the proper time. Singleness rarely marries. It prefers to just go steady long-term. When you finally become the person you need to be and meet a person you want to spend the rest of your life with, singleness will not stand in your way, get clingy, or act possessive. It will gladly release you to go fall in love with the right person at the right time.

Timing

Change! Do Something Different

‘If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading.’ -Lao Tzu

Are you stuck in a repeating cycle of dead-end dating? I have a one-word answer to your dilemma – change!

When I was a singles group leader I saw, and now in other people around me as well I see, far too many people stuck in a dating rut. They never grow as a person, they date the same kind of people over and over, and they look in the same places again and again. Naturally, they get the same result time after time. Do not let this be you!

If you continue doing the same thing you will continue to get the same results. When what you are doing is not working, do something else. Try something new. How else can I say this? Modify your modus operandi. To get a different result, stop doing what you currently do and start doing something different.

When you feel stuck it is time to re-evaluate everything and see what needs changing.

Change #1: Change Yourself

Start with the one thing you always have the power to change – yourself. Start with your why. Why do you date? And, why do you date who you date? Sit down with yourself and have a frank discussion about why you date, who you date, and why you date them. Seriously. Do it. You may be surprised what you hear yourself say.

You could even write down or type out your answers. Sometimes things that make sense in your head sound totally different when you read them out loud later or read them to someone else.

Compare your reasons for dating to the ones I wrote about in my post ‘Better Dates Part 1‘. Some reasons for dating are a lot better than others. Are you dating for the right reasons?

Change your attitude

Change how you see yourself and change how you see dating. Do you see yourself as too good for this one or not good enough for that one? Either of those extremes is as unhealthy as the other. Learn to see yourself accurately. You are probably not the greatest. You are probably not the worst. Most likely you are stuck somewhere in the middle of that ‘bell curve’ with the rest of us.

Perhaps you are stuck in a rut because you have unrealistic expectations about dating. Maybe you need to put dating in its proper perspective. Are you looking for a project, or are you looking for a savior? Are you expecting too much, or maybe too little? Do you date to give or to get? Are you waiting for prince charming or settling for whatever comes your way?

There again, any extreme is not healthy. Have the attitude that dating is all about having a little fun and getting to know someone. Perhaps, one day you will discover that one of the people you go out with would make an excellent spouse. In the meantime, get your mind right. Keep yourself and dating in the proper perspective.

I go into this in more depth in my post ‘Better Dates Part 2‘.

Change yourself, become a better you

If you are stuck in a rut, maybe some type of personal growth needs to happen. Perhaps you need to work on your personality, your physical appearance, your conversation skills, your body language, or your confidence.

The thing is, if you have been through a number of bad relationships, perhaps you should look at the common denominator – you. Get to the gym. Read a few books or take a few classes, especially books or classes on self-improvement and relationship skills. You can find some excellent suggestions on the