Trust Again?!?

Can I ever trust again? That was one of my biggest post-divorce questions. After going through such a huge betrayal, is it possible to once again trust someone with the level of trust it takes to make a marriage thrive?

The Necessity of Trust

Make no mistake. Trust is necessary. I would argue that without trust there can be no intimacy. I believe, and stated recently in another post, that intimacy is the most important thing in marriage. So, if you want a happy marriage, you must have intimacy. And, if you want intimacy, you must trust again. I see no way around this. Trust is essential.

Of course, learning to trust again is much easier said than done.

Not Everyone Is Worthy of Your Trust

It is important to realize that not everyone is worthy of your trust. Some people simply cannot be trusted. Period.

The problem is it can be hard to tell the difference. It takes a little detective work and a lot of time to decide whether or not someone is trustworthy. You need to see people in numerous situations and see how they react to various circumstances before you can pass judgment accurately as to their trustworthiness.

Signs

The ever-quotable Yogi Berra once said, “You can observe a lot by just watching”. The truth is, you can learn a lot about someone’s trustworthiness if you simply observe them for a while. As time goes on, you may begin to notice seemingly small things that could indicate big issues. Here are a few.

If they:

Fudge facts occasionally

Don’t trust others

Are habitually late

Are secretive

Get defensive for no apparent reason

Lack self-control

Or, maybe you have or someone you trust just has a gut feeling that you cannot trust them. If any of these apply, be wary. They are probably not worthy of your trust. Most of the time these little things are telltale signs of big problems.

Relationships should not move to another level of intimacy until you reach a new level of trust. And, trust is a two-way street. As you look for signs that they are trustworthy or not, be ready to prove yourself trustworthy too. I do not mean this in some unhealthy, do something now to prove yourself to me or else kind of way. I just mean that you should both be able to hold up under the type of scrutiny that naturally stems from a healthy curiosity. An innocent question should not elicit an angry or defensive reply.

Trust Is Built Over Time

That short list is not a comprehensive method for proving if someone is trustworthy or not, but it gives you a small sampling of the kind of things to look for. My point is, do not simply assume someone is trustworthy just because you find them attractive and they seem normal. Allow them an opportunity to gain your trust over a significant period of time.

I say over a significant period of time because, as I said earlier, it takes time to see people in lots of different situations and circumstances. What a person is on the inside might take a while to surface in front of you. It might take seeing them in a tough situation before you see their real character come out. So, pay attention and give it lots of time.

Not Everyone Is Your Ex

On the other hand, the good news is not everyone is your ex. Not everyone is evil. Not everyone is the friend who stabbed you in the back when you were most vulnerable. There are still trustworthy people in this world.

An Individual, Not a Group

Every person is different. Judge each person according to his or her own actions. Do not lump all _______ (fill in the blank with a gender,