Bad Advice / Good Advice

When I found myself single again at forty, I received a lot of awesome advice. Some of it saved me a lot of heartache. Maybe I’ll write about that some other time. Today, let’s talk about some of worst bad advice people give singles.

Bad Advice:

Get Right Back on That Horse

This is actually great advice … if you’re training for a rodeo. If, however, you have just been through a divorce or a breakup, it’s terrible advice. Some of the most heartbreaking stories I hear come from people who got right back on the dating horse too soon after a breakup.

Rebound Merry-Go-Round

Rebound relationships are the worst. Two people get together because they feel they ‘have so much in common’. In reality, mostly what they have in common is the pain they feel from their recent breakups. They help each other feel better and forget about the pain. But, the pain is always there – just below the surface – undealt with and unhealed.

Once they date a while, eventually, they discover they have little to nothing else in common. Then they break up and deal with that pain plus the pain from the last breakup that they never dealt with. Then they have a choice – deal with this even greater, compounded pain, or numb the pain with yet another rebound relationship. Many choose what they believe to be the easier route and go for another rebound. This cycle can repeat indefinitely.

Better Advice:

Take Time to Heal

Healing takes time. Take a break from dating – a good, long break. If you broke a leg, nobody would tell you to get right back on that leg. Give your heart time to heal up. There will be a time in the future, at an appropriate point in your healing, when you do need to get back on that horse. That time comes later. Don’t rush it.

Which leads us to our next …

Bad Advice:

Time Heals All Wounds

While it does take lots of time to heal wounds, the mere passing of time heals nothing. This advice insists that if you just wait long enough your heart will magically heal itself. Does that work for physical wounds? It may sometimes, for a minor wound, but we are talking about a major wound, a broken heart.

For a severe wound, you would never just give it time to heal. It would take time, but the wound would also need to be properly taken care of. You may need something as simple as a bit of antibiotic ointment and a bandage. But, you may need that wound cauterized or stitched up. Then it might require months of special protection and special care.

Better Advice:

Proper Care Over Time Heals Wounds

If your heart has been broken, that is a severe wound. It will require special, long-term care. You will need to do the things that allow it to heal properly. Keep it out of harm’s way for a while. Don’t expose it to unknown, potentially damaging people. Strengthen it by feeding your mind and spirit a diet of positive, uplifting words. And, apply the healing balm of the love of trusted friends and family liberally.

Bad Advice:

You’re Too Picky!

Anyone who has been single any amount of time has heard this one. The assumption is, if you are still single, it has to be that your standards are too high. If you would just lower your standards and expectations, you could be married.

There are a number of problems with this. How low should one lower their standards? How picky is too picky?